Keeping Secrets

by Treasure Hernandez

  Shawdiece’s hand slid from Secret’s belly. “Maybe you don’t know him. Perhaps that’s why you avoid answering the question every time I ask.”

  Oh, Secret knew who the father was all right, and she didn’t need Maury Povich’s help in finding out. Ironically, she almost wished she didn’t know. Not knowing who her baby daddy was seemed less humiliating and embarrassing than knowing who he was and how he’d come about impregnating her.

  Technically, Secret really didn’t know him-know him. She knew nothing about him, not even his name. She’d know his face in a lineup if she ever saw him again. Other than that, nothing. She didn’t know his favorite color or his favorite food. She knew he liked KFC, but didn’t know if it was his favorite. She wouldn’t even know the back, dark alley that led to his house, if that was even where he really lived. For all she knew, he could have been using some crackhead’s house to get laid while his wife and kids sat waiting for him somewhere in a house in the suburbs.

  For that reason alone, she couldn’t have the baby that was growing inside her belly; the baby that just a half hour ago back at the clinic she’d learned for certain she was carrying. That had been Secret’s whole point in going to the free clinic while Shawndiece tagged along for moral support. Secret’s period was two weeks late and she didn’t want to wait around with fingers crossed hoping she didn’t miss next month’s as well. Now, after leaving the clinic, it was official; she was as pregnant as the day was long. And if she dared give birth to this baby, what on God’s green earth would she tell the child when it asked who its father was? She would not, under any uncertain terms, give birth to a bastard. She couldn’t do that to her child. Poor thing didn’t deserve it. No child of hers deserved it.

  Besides, she had a plan, a plan to get out of Flint and go make something of herself. How could she do that with a baby in tow? Who would take care of the baby while she went off to college in Ohio? Did they even allow babies in campus dorms? How could she afford a babysitter? She had no money, and how does a mother get child support from a man whose name and address she doesn’t even know? Trifling, it was all just trifling. And Secret refused to go out that way. That was not the plan. Then again, it hadn’t been in the plan to turn a trick to pay off her estranged father’s debt he had with some dangerous guys either, ending up pregnant.

  “You know you can tell me if you don’t know who you pregnant by don’t you?” Shawndiece said, interrupting Secret’s secret thoughts. “You know I’m the last person in the world whose gon’ judge you. Who am I to judge you about being pregnant when I’m already up on you two abortions? I didn’t know whether them babies were Tom’s, Dick’s, or Khari’s.” Shawndiece laughed.

  “You stupid.” Secret chuckled. “Yet here you are telling me to keep mine.”

  “I’m not telling you to keep yours. I’m just saying I’d understand if you did. Like I said, Secret, you ain’t like me. You gon’ make it regardless. So if getting an abortion is going to weigh heavy on your mind, you might as well not have all that guilt and remorse holding you back. Hell, you can have sextuplets and you still gon’ get further in life than half the chicks in the neighborhood.”

  “Yeah, but what about college?” Secret reminded her friend. “I’ve been dreaming of walking the campus of OSU since I can remember. I’ve looked at their Web site and have sent off for their brochures and I ain’t never seen nobody strolling the campus pushing a baby stroller.”

  “Look, chick, I’m not trying to talk you into anything or out of anything. I just want you to be certain of whatever decision you make. I mean, I can see the pros and cons of keeping the baby and not keeping the baby. It’s all about what you want to do. Either way, you know I got your back.”

  If Secret didn’t know anything else for certain, she knew what Shawndiece was saying was true. She’d have her back through hell and high water. She’d never stab her in the back or turn her back on her, but she’d damn sure have her back.

  “Now I ain’t gonna sit here and lie and tell you I’ll baby-sit for you and all that,” Shawndiece continued. “Hell, I ain’t wanna have and watch my own babies, so why would I wanna watch yours? But it can call me Auntie Shawn-Shawn and I’ll buy it some really cool birthday and Christmas presents.”

  Secret just looked at Shawn like she was crazy. “Why are you stupid?” She burst out laughing.

  “I’m serious.”

  “I know, and that’s the scary part.”

  The girls continued their ride on the bus until they reached their stop. Once they had gotten off the bus, were in their neighborhood, and had walked to the cross streets where they needed to split up, they headed their separate ways.

  “Don’t forget, I got your back,” Shawndiece reminded Secret as she walked in the opposite direction. “And if you decide to go to the next clinic, if need be, I got five on it, you know what I’m saying?”

  “Umphf, umphf, umphf. I got no words for you, Shawn, other than I’ma pray for you.”

  “Good, ’cause I need all the prayer there is.” Shawndiece put her thumb to her ear and her pinky finger to her mouth. “Call me,” she shouted out as she headed to her house.

  “I will,” Secret called back as she headed to hers.

  Secret could feel her stomach turning as she walked to her house. Her stomach turning had nothing to do with the little embryo, fetus, or whatever it was they call a baby that’s barely even a month into development. Her queasy stomach had everything to do with her mother. Whether she kept the baby or not, she’d have to tell her mother. She’d need her either way. The medical card and information came addressed to her mother, and she’d need that card to get some money off the abortion procedure. It wouldn’t pay for the full procedure, but it would put a nice little dent in the total cost. She’d learned that when she looked up all her options at the first inkling that she could possibly be pregnant. Nine times out of ten, she’d need her mother to help her pay for the abortion as well. She had just turned eighteen last week, so she didn’t need her mother’s consent to get the abortion, but she would need her financial support.

  She’d thought about picking up a job at the local supermarket real quick. She figured she’d have her first paycheck in enough time before she got too far along in the pregnancy when it would be too late to terminate it. That way she could eliminate having to tell her mother anything at all. But with the whole job application and interview process, she knew she’d be pushing it close. She didn’t want to take that chance.

  She hated that the thought had even crossed her mind, but just so she could leave her mother out of the whole scenario, she thought about maybe even turning another trick just to get the money she’d need. Her skin crawled at the thought of that, though. She’d made her mind up. She didn’t know how, but Secret was going to get rid of that baby so help her God.

  Chapter Ten

  Secret was so happy when she walked in the door and there was no sign of her mother. She had too much on her mind right now and the last thing she needed was Yolanda nagging and complaining. The last Secret remembered, Yolanda was off work today at her job as a store manager at a local convenience store. She’d either gotten called in or had driven to Detroit to the casino like she was good for doing.

  “I hope she hits it big,” Secret said to herself as she walked in the kitchen to see what was good to eat. “’Cause I’m gonna need some of that money.”

  “What did you say? And why you making all that goddamn noise waking me up and shit? I finally get a day off and your ass don’t want a bitch to get no rest.”

  Secret was stunned when she turned around to see her mother’s head lifted on the couch. Her mind had been so far gone that she hadn’t even seen her lying there on the couch when she walked in the door. As a matter of fact, she couldn’t recall seeing her car outside either.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t even see you lying down there,” Secret apologized. “I didn’t see your car parked outside either.”

  “That’s b
ecause that old bitch a couple doors down let one of her tricks park in my spot again,” Yolanda spat. “I had to park way down in the visitor’s spot. Next time, whichever nigga she let park in my spot ain’t gon’ have no money to pay for her pussy because they gon’ be too busy replacing all four of their tires. I’ma have that mutherfucker sittin’ on bricks fuckin’ with my parking spot.”

  Oh well, Secret thought as her mother’s voice rang loudly in her ears. Looks like I’m not going to have any peace after all.

  Secret opened the refrigerator and started fumbling through some of the left over containers. The first container she opened was a couple pieces of tilapia her mother had cooked the night before. Secret hated the taste of leftover fish. It just didn’t warm up well in the microwave. It turned mushy. The next container was some garlic mashed potatoes that she herself had made. She loved garlic mashed potatoes; the only thing was she couldn’t even remember how long ago she’d made them. She made a mental note to clean the refrigerator out before her mother got to cussing and fussing about it. Next she pulled out a container from the back of the fridge. When she opened the lid the sharp smell of old broccoli and cheese assaulted her nose. She quickly put the lid back on it, but the smell lingered.

  Secret quickly threw the container back in its spot as she began to gag. She tried to get her throat reflexes under control as she held her stomach. She continued to gag, knowing she’d better make her way to the bathroom and fast.

  Like she was trying out for the US track team in the Olympics, Secret closed the fridge door and sprinted to the bathroom. Barely making it to the commode, she quickly lifted the toilet seat and began to heave into the bowl. The smell of the porcelain and that little blue toilet cleaner that hung on the side of the bowl made her puke even more. After about five minutes of heaving and sweating, Secret finally flushed the toilet and pulled herself off her knees. She was startled by her mother standing in the doorway when she turned around to go to the sink.

  “You pregnant?” were the distinct, clear, cut-to-the-chase words that came out of Yolanda’s mouth.

  Still, Secret’s reply was, “Huh?”

  “What the fuck I tell you about ‘huhing’ me?” Yolanda said. “Besides, bitch, you heard me.” Yolanda walked closer to her daughter. “You knocked up, ain’t ya?”

  “What makes you say that?” Secret had a stupid look on her face and let out some nervous laughter. Her first instinct was to say, “No, I’m not,” but she really didn’t want to lie to her mother.

  The last time she lied to her mother was when she was in ninth grade. Shawndiece had talked Secret into going to a skip party.

  “Your mom has to work today, right?” Shawndiece said to Secret.

  “Yes, but—” Secret started before her best friend cut her off.

  “Good. That means when the school calls your house to see why you’re absent, she won’t be there to take the call. If they leave a message, you get home first, so you can just delete it. Miss Yolanda will never know. Come on, girl. You’re in high school. Have a little fun for once.”

  It all sounded easy enough, so instead of getting on the school bus that morning, Secret met up with Shawndiece and they headed over Tico’s house, the guy who was hosting the skip party. By the time they got there the party was already jumping. The house was packed with about twenty of the most well-known kids at school. Needless to say, Secret was like a rose in a field of dandelions; she just didn’t fit in. Always one to keep her eye on the prize, which was her education, anything outside of school work, homework, and a mall outing here or there with Shawndiece was foreign to Secret. She’d never witnessed this side of high school, and she was in awe.

  The other kids were drinking, smoking, and eating the mini-cereal-breakfast buffet Tico had set out. The television was tuned to some BET 106 & Park recordings. It couldn’t be heard, though, over the music that was coming out of the living room speakers.

  “You cool?” Shawndiece would come over and ask Secret, who’d made permanent residence over in a chair that sat by an end table.

  “Yeah, I’m good,” Secret would reply, willing herself not to go into her book bag and pull out schoolwork or a book to read. As entertaining as it was to watch the boys and girls at her school who never noticed her—and still weren’t paying her a lick of mind—flirt with, touch and grind on each other, she’d prefer to be in class obtaining whatever it would take to get her one day closer to fleeing Flint.

  Secret got home that day at the exact same time she would have had she gone to school. Upon walking in the door, she headed straight to the telephone where, just as she’d thought, a message from the school secretary awaited. Secret deleted the message without even listening to it in full, grateful she’d beaten her mother to the message. She’d phoned a couple of her classmates whom she shared most of her classes with and had even been in study groups with before. She managed to get the day’s assignments for all her classes and get her work done by the time Yolanda walked through the door that night.

  “So how was school today?” Yolanda walked into Secret’s room and asked. That alone should have been a red flag for Secret. She couldn’t remember the last time her mother had inquired about her and her schooling.

  “Uh, it was uh, good,” Secret replied, thrown off by her mother’s query.

  “So what were your assignments today?” Yolanda came and flopped down on Secret’s bed.

  “Just the same ol’ same ol’,” Secret said.

  “Oh, really? Let’s see.” Yolanda folded her arms, crossed her legs, and allowed her foot to swing back and forth as if she was calling Secret out, just waiting to bust her in a lie.

  Secret pulled out the schoolwork she’d done for the day and handed it to her mother, glad she was able to control her shaking hands.

  Yolanda didn’t even bother to look it over. She just handed it right back to Secret, glaring at her. “You hungry?”

  “Yeah. A little.”

  “Guess I’ll go in the kitchen and whip something up then.” Yolanda stood and then headed toward the door.

  Secret let out a deep breath. She was in the clear.

  “What did you guys have for lunch at school today?” Yolanda turned around and asked. “I don’t want to make the same thing you’ve already eaten.” Once again, Yolanda folded her arms. She played the piano on her left arm with her right hand.

  “Huh? What?” Secret was stomped.

  “I said, what did you all have for lunch at school today?” Now Yolanda’s hands were down at her side, balled into fists. Secret stared down at them as if they were talking to her. They were daring her to lie, but begging her not to.

  “I don’t know.” Secret didn’t lie. “I didn’t eat lunch at school today.”

  “Why not?”

  “Shawndiece and I ate elsewhere.” Once again, she didn’t lie. She was on a truth roll for sure.

  “Where?”

  “One of our friend’s house.” Secret was getting both agitated and nervous. She didn’t want to have to lie or, even worse, get caught in one. “Trust me, Ma, you can cook anything and I’ll eat it. It’s no big deal.”

  “No big deal, huh?” Yolanda had said in a knowing tone. “Well, since it’s no big deal, then I guess I’ll leave it alone. But just one more thing.”

  “Yes, Mom,” Secret said, way too eager to get rid of her nagging mother.

  “The bus got you to and from school today okay, didn’t it?”

  Secret’s heart was racing. Her mother was being far too inquisitive. She knows, Secret thought. She knows I didn’t go to school today. Secret thought it might be in her best interest to come clean. Then again there was a chance that a simple yes could get rid of her mother and that would be the end of it. With not much time to waste, and before Secret could catch it from slipping through her lips, there was an audible, “Yes.”

  “And you’s a lying motherfucker,” were the audible words that shot out of Yolanda’s mouth. “Your school called my job looki
ng for yo’ black ass. Embarrassed the fuck out of me. I’m sitting there not knowing where my child is. I’m lying telling them you home sick ’cause I don’t want them to think I can’t keep up with my fast-ass daughter. Where the fuck were you anyway?”

  “Nowhere, at school, Ma.” Secret wished she could have kicked herself. All she had to do was go ahead and fess up, yet she continued to play along with the lie. That only pissed Yolanda off more.

  “So you gon’ sit there and lie in my muthafuckin’ face like I’m some bitch on the streets?” Yolanda had walked over to the bed where Secret sat and was all up in her face. “Huh, are you?”

  “But I was at scho—” Before Secret could even get the lie out, blood was dripping from her lip from the blow Yolanda had struck her with.

  “There’s two things I can’t stand in this world: a thief and a liar,” Yolanda told her daughter. “You lie to me, I bust you in your muthafuckin’ mouth. Now this is the first time you’ve ever lied to me that I know of. It happens again, you gon’ find yourself on the goddamn floor. When you come to, you gon’ feel like someone slipped your ass a Mickey ’cause you ain’t gon’ remember shit that went down before then. I’m your mother. You bet’ not eva’ lie to me or steal from me. You got that?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Secret said, holding her bleeding lip.

  “Now go take your ass in the bathroom and clean up for dinner,” Yolanda said as she exited Secret’s room, mumbling under her breath, “You lucky I ain’t knock your muthafuckin’ teeth out lying to me.”

  Secret went into the bathroom, her mother’s words ringing in her head.

  “You bet’ not eva’ lie to me.”

  “Huh? What?” Secret was startled, her thoughts from the past returning to the present.

  “Didn’t I just say don’t ‘huh’ me?” Yolanda spat as she stood in the bathroom doorway. “Are you pregnant? And you better not lie to me, girl.”

  There was no way Secret wanted to hop on the same merry-go-round she’d ridden her first year in high school when she decided to tell her first and only lie to her mother. So this time she just straight-out told the truth just to get it over with. “Yes, ma’am, I’m pregnant.” She figured now that she was eighteen, legally an adult, how bad could it be telling her mother the truth?