By My Side

by Wendy Lou Jones

  “But he was so cross with me?”

  Mark Cobham shook his head. “He wasn’t cross with you, Kate, he was scared. He didn’t go home for days in case you needed him. Mr Barker had to send him home on the Saturday after you came in, to make him get some sleep or he wouldn’t have been fit to carry on. You know he stayed with you the whole night you were admitted. He barely left your side through everything you went through. It was only when the nurses kicked him out of ITU in the morning that he left you and got himself together enough to go and do his day’s work. He killed himself to make sure you were okay.”

  Kate was floating in that ocean she had always dreamed of, but this time she was alone, on a life-raft and slipping further and further out to sea. “And I sent him away without so much as a kind word.” She was the lowest of the low. She looked into Mark’s eyes, searching for some sense of forgiveness. So that was it. Everything that had happened to help her: the night of the crash, the operations, her care after and even her new housemate, it had all been down to him; the tireless, thankless efforts of Adam.

  A moment passed in silence as she tried to comprehend what had really gone on.

  “So what are you going to do about it, Kate?” Mr Cobham said at last.

  Kate looked up. “Do you think he will still speak to me?” she asked.

  “Kate, he loves you. Now get yourself back up there before you miss him altogether; he’s leaving for Italy in the morning.”

  “Italy?”

  “Yes. He’s got a job out there; didn’t you know? He refused to stay on with us, although they did ask him. He’s fluent, you know.”

  It was like she’d been hit with a sledgehammer. Now Kate remembered: Adam had only been filling in while they advertised the post for a permanent replacement. He was only ever meant to be a locum. “Is-?”

  “It’s his last day, Kate. What are you waiting for? Get yourself up there.” He looked at his watch. “He should just about have finished in Theatre by now.”

  Kate leapt up out of her seat and ran as fast as her aching leg would carry her, along the corridors to Theatre. She searched for him everywhere, but in the end, a nurse clearing up told her that he had already gone. She ran back through the hospital to Adam’s office, in a last ditch attempt to reach for salvation, but it was locked, and he was gone.

  ~~~

  There the woman stopped as she felt the drawing of the hour.

  “So what happened?” Lena asked her. “He didn’t really go to Italy, did he? ‘Cause I have to tell you, if he did, this is the worst story I’ve ever heard.”

  “Yes, he went.”

  “No! I thought you were trying to cheer me up? Isn’t that what everyone’s trying to do these days? Cheer up the unhappy girl?”

  “Is that what you think?” the woman asked.

  Time was marching on and the woman felt the moment slipping away from her.

  ~~~

  Kate pulled up outside her house and parked her car. It was bright red and shiny. She knew the shine wouldn’t last, but at least it was nice for now.

  In less than a week she would be a useful member of society again. She would have been excited, but for the burden of guilt hanging over her. She was dwelling at the bottom of a shadowy pit and the moment weighed heavily upon her.

  Kate hated having left everything so cold between them. He had to know she understood now what had happened, both to him and to her and that she regretted everything.

  It was plain to Kate that there would be no coming back from this, despite what Mr Cobham had said, but she would not be happy in herself until she had at least tried to make amends. It wasn’t going to be easy, facing Adam again, but in some way Kate thought that would help. There was something unfinished between them, an apology to be made, and to be able to move on, she felt she had to know that pain.

  But she was terrified. What if he wasn’t there? What if he wouldn’t listen? Or maybe he would listen, but no longer cared? There were so many possible outcomes and few of them were good.

  She tried to rehearse what she was going to say, but words alone seemed inadequate. Kate decided to just tell him the truth. She had to lay it all out for him, everything that had happened, if he would listen, and then grit her teeth and take whatever he flung at her. She threw on something smart and brushed out her hair and prepared to go back out.

  Collette came in then. “You look nice,” she said. “Off anywhere exciting?”

  Kate didn’t like to say. “There’s something I’ve got to do,” she said. “If it all goes well, I’ll tell you about it when I get back.” She took a deep breath, grabbed her keys and marched out into the half-light, looking neither left, nor right but straight ahead and without so much as a coat around her.

  It was a twenty minute drive from Kate’s house to his and several times along the way she thought of turning back. But she was not a coward. Kate knew it was going to be tough. He was unlikely to make it easy for her after everything she’d put him through but she had to face him, and it had to be now, before he was gone and there were no more chances to explain.

  She pulled up in the parking bay outside the smart building. Adam’s car was sitting patiently in its parking spot. Kate took a deep breath and looked up. There were a few lights on in the apartments above, but from outside, she wasn’t sure which one of them was his. She got out of the car with her limbs trembling, walked up to the entrance and pressed the buzzer. There was no answer. She waited for a minute and pressed it again, clutching her arms around her and rocking on the spot to keep warm. Still nobody answered.

  Cars passed by behind her, up on the main road, but in the apartment building in front of her everything was still. Kate’s breath was starting to form clouds around her head. She tried one last time and then walked slowly back across the car park to her car.

  A figure approached down the long sloping driveway. He was carrying a bag and was wrapped up tightly in a long dark coat. Kate slowed her pace and squinted to make out the features in the fading light. Adam.

  “Kate?”

  Kate walked out into the open and stood there, shivering, waiting for him to join her.

  Adam approached and stopped a short way off, as if silently waiting for Kate to explain.

  She looked down at the ground and then up at his face, but there was no way she could hold onto his gaze. “I just needed to see you, to say thank you… and to say sorry… for everything. Mr Cobham told me what you did and… and I was so awful to you. If I’d only known… if I’d known half of it…” She looked up, desperate for understanding.

  Adam shifted his weight and looked at her intensely, his face giving away nothing of what he was feeling inside and Kate was forced to look back down at the floor.

  “I had no idea,” she said. “I never thought…” Oh, how was she meant to find the words to tell him how truly sorry she was? “I was just so hurt.” She rubbed her neck nervously. She tried to speak but she couldn’t think of the words to say. Her mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out.

  Adam took a step closer and Kate looked up again, hoping for some sort of softness in his eyes. Instead, they were burning, scrambling her brain and making her body shake more than ever. Her gaze fell to his lips. They were moving now, freed from the deathly grip that had made them so cold. They creased a little at one side, as if he might be considering a smile. He stepped closer still. He put down his bag and his hands reached for her face. Kate’s heart stilled as his breath mingled with hers in one heart-stopping moment when anything seemed possible, and then he kissed her.

  Kate’s body was melting. All the fear and regret that had built up inside was washed away as he pulled her into him, almost sweeping her off her feet and crushing her in the strength of his hold. His aftershave lingered around her, whispering temptation and there they stood, locked in an embrace, and lost in the extraordinary depths of their love.

  Kate’s body shuddered as a sharp gust of wind whirled around them and Adam opened his coa
t and wrapped her inside it.

  “What have you done with your coat?” he murmured, as his warm breath fanned across her cheeks and curled beneath her hair.

  “I didn’t think,” she said. “I just knew I had to see you.”

  Adam kissed the top of her head as her fragile body trembled against his. “Come on, let’s get you inside. There’s someone I need to speak to.”

  Kate walked with him, sharing his warmth, up the stairs to his apartment.

  With the key, he let himself in and offered Kate his hand. She took it willingly and walked inside and there, sat on the settee, was Mark.

  Adam didn’t let go of Kate’s hand. He put the bag down and walked over to greet him. “Look what I found, freezing to death outside in the cold,” he said.

  “Kate. If I’d known it was you I would have let you in,” said Mark.

  Adam cleared his throat and looked at Mark. “A little birdie tells me that you might have mentioned something that you know you shouldn’t have.” His eyes were scolding, though his mouth couldn’t help but smile and his hand was holding tight on to Kate’s.

  “Thanks for the head’s up, Kate,” Mark sighed. “I thought you were on my team?”

  “Mark?”

  Mark Cobham put his hands in the air. “Okay, I admit it, I cracked, but the pair of you were bloody hopeless on your own. Someone had to knock some sense into you.”

  Kate smiled at her boss and then looked back up at Adam. “He was only trying to help,” she said.

  “Don’t you start,” Adam scolded. “I’ve got enough to deal with with him running his mouth off when he shouldn’t have. Don’t get me started on you.”

  The pit of Kate’s stomach clenched as she saw the fire of passion igniting in his eyes. “Sorry,” she said, mocking him with the glint in her own and risking a grin as delicious thoughts blazed across her mind.

  “Well, I hope you like Chinese, because I think this is my cue to go,” Mark said.

  “No. Not because of me, please,” Kate told him. “I just came round to-”

  “No. I must be going. Adam won’t thank me for hanging around now. Have fun in Italy, Adam. Keep in touch.” He turned to Kate. “And I’ll see you on Monday.”

  The front door clicked shut and Kate’s smile was lost. “You’re really going then?” she said, suddenly devastated by the news.

  “I have to,” Adam told her. “They’re expecting me.” But that night was theirs, and in the morning, Kate went with him to the airport and struggled to let go as they parted at the gate.

  “Will you wait for me?” he asked her at the final time his flight was called.

  “Till the end of time,” she said and her eyes became the sea.

  “Marry me, Kate. When I get back from here. Marry me and never let go,” and Kate hugged him to her.

  “Of course,” she told him. “I love you. Come back to me. Quickly.”

  And six weeks later Adam was back in Kate’s arms, having served his notice the moment he arrived, and carrying a ring.

  ~~~

  She had tried her hardest to reach out to the girl, the rest would have to be up to her now, and she looked at Lena with worldly eyes, willing her to take the next step.

  “So it was happily-ever-after in the end?” Lena asked her.

  The woman looked fondly at her charge, and a curious haze fell upon her. “That is for you to decide.”

  A hand come to rest lightly on the woman’s shoulder and Lena saw a dark-haired, handsome man lean down and kiss the top of her head. “Come along, sweetheart, it’s time to go.”

  She touched his hand and turned back to Lena. “One day someone will stop and look at you, Lena, and they will see you for the wonderful, brilliant, beautiful woman you really are. You’ll see. And it will all have been worth it. And it will probably happen sooner than you think.” She smiled and lifted her hand away and Lena shivered at the loss of her touch.

  The woman stood up. “Don’t stop kissing those frogs, Lena; you never know when one of them is going to turn out to be your prince.”

  The sound of cars pulling up outside stirred the room into life and Lena looked for her mother among the dark jostling throng. One woman peered out through the curtains to see the sad procession arriving, letting in the brilliant light of the day. Lena looked at the white china clock on the mantelpiece and then back to the woman, but the woman was already gone.

  “Lee, come on love. The cars are here,” Gloria called across the room. Lena stood up and looked out of the window just in time to see the woman, radiant despite the sombre turn of the day, walking hand in hand across the front lawn, with her adoring man by her side. They stopped half way and Lena saw a little girl, no more than a few years old, skip merrily up beside them. The woman turned and leaning down, she held out her other hand. Happiness was shining out of her like rays of the sun. And as the little girl took hold of the woman’s hand, she smiled and they carried on together.

  “Lee,” her mother called again.

  Lena picked up her coat and wandered over to her mother’s side.

  Out in the sun, the cars lined up along the side of the road. Lena and her mum walked up the driveway, solemnly admiring the flowers there. At the end of the drive, waiting in all soberness, were three black hearses, already carrying their precious loads.

  The men, dressed in mourning suits, were carefully lifting the wreaths into the back of each hearse and placing them around the coffins. Behind them was the family’s car. The driver of this last car was young, not much older than herself, Lena thought. He had a kind face, with warm eyes and a composure that whispered of quiet confidence. The lad gave her a respectful, friendly nod and Lena accepted it without expression and looked away.

  They sat in their car, waiting for the off and Lena watched as a middle-aged couple, dressed all in black, were seated in the family car along with another, younger couple, standing supportively by them.

  Lena’s mum asked her if she had been okay, sat all alone in the living room, and Lena told her it had been fine actually, because someone she had worked with had sat down next to her and told her a story about a woman called Kate who had met the love of her life after a funeral. Gloria turned to look at her daughter.

  “Did she tell you her name?” she asked.

  Lena shook her head. “No, but I’ve got a feeling it might have been her.”

  “Who?” her mum asked.

  “Kate.”

  Gloria’s voice became thin, as if she suddenly found difficulty in speaking. “What makes you say that, love?”

  “She just looked like the Kate she was describing. And she knew an awful lot about her,” Lena said.

  Gloria shivered. She studied her daughter for a minute and then blinked and settled back in her seat.

  The procession set off and Gloria started the engine, shaking her head a little as she waited in line to pull away.

  At the church on the hill, Lena and her mum found a pew on the left side, near the back and Lena looked around the congregation. Organ music played as the church filled up to standing room only.

  Gloria opened up the order of service and looked inside to see which hymns they were going to be singing. The music stopped and the congregation stood. One by one the three coffins were reverently carried in and settled down, side by side, at the front of the church, two big and one small.

  The vicar asked everyone to sit and spoke a few words before the first hymn was announced and they all stood once again. Lena mumbled the words to a song she had never known and looked around the church at the sculptures and plaques along the walls. As the hymn came to an end, the congregation retook their seats and Gloria closed the order of service and laid it carefully in her lap.

  A man took his place at the front of the church and addressed the congregation.

  “I was lucky enough to work with Kate for a number of years and I was a friend to Adam throughout, which had its moments, I can assure you.”

  Suddenly he had Lena’s
attention.

  “So when I was asked to say a few words about the two of them today I began by thinking about all that they had achieved. I listed their various accomplishments and tried hard to think of a few anecdotes to string it all together. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that what they did in life wasn’t important, it was who they were, or rather who they were when they were together that mattered.”

  “I had the privilege of knowing them both quite well in their short time on this earth and what struck me most about the pair of them was how much more they were together than apart. It was as if their just being together created something special, something shared by those around them and so in the end I decided just to tell you about their love in my own words.”

  “It really began five and a half years ago, on an icy cold evening in January; the day that Kate finally understood how much Adam really loved her.”

  Lena’s heart shuddered. She looked across at the order of service sitting on her mother’s lap and started to shiver. She quietly touched the folded sheet of paper and her mother passed it across and there, on the front, was a picture of the woman, the man and the little girl.

  Lena felt her stomach heave. Her breathing became rapid and her heart beat hammered inside her. She looked around, frantically trying to spot the woman who should have been there, but she was nowhere to be seen.

  Black hats and suits swam in front of her eyes and then her mind focussed in on the words the man was saying.

  “I was sitting on the couch at Adam’s place one night, the night before he took a brief trip to Italy, for a job he had, by then, lost all passion for.”

  “We were having a final farewell meal, the man way, a few beers and a Chinese from up the road, when he walked back in with Kate, his hand locked firmly in hers. ‘Look what I found freezing to death outside,’ he said. I could see Adam was trying hard to remain stern and disapproving, but from the look in his eyes, he had never been happier. I was in trouble, of course, for telling Kate about everything he’d done for her: saving her life after the crash and turning the world upside down to help her, but he seemed to manage not to hold that against me.”