A Soldier's Gift

by Lynne St. James

  “How is she with her friends?”

  “She won’t see them. Even Hannah stopped coming to visit, not that I blame her. I’m hoping Dani will be better when she gets home.”

  “What if she doesn’t?”

  “I don’t know. Her doctor says she needs more than physical therapy. He recommended someone—a therapist—but I haven’t talked to her about it yet. She was in a good mood last night and I didn’t want to ruin it.”

  Laughing, Julie nodded. “I can’t blame you there. You know you could tell her the scars make her mysterious, and she can make up any story she wants to about how she got them.”

  Beth quirked an eyebrow. A diehard romantic, Julie still waited for her Prince Charming to ride up on his white steed. “You’ll be the one making up stories. Dani will tell it like it is.”

  The exaggerated sigh and a shake of her curly brown head made Beth smile. The only time she smiled was with Julie these days. The weight of two lives rested on her shoulders and the doctors were waiting on her to make a decision about Doug. She hadn’t mentioned it to Julie, but she needed to talk to someone. Why did she have to be the one to decide? He had to torture her even in the end. Stubborn asshole.

  The cheerful tinkle of the bell for the front door of the shop was a welcome distraction.

  “Hi, Mrs. Middleton, how are you today?” Julie asked.

  “Wonderful, wonderful. How are you girls? Oh and I’ve brought some books to exchange.”

  “Great.”

  Using two hands to lift her Vera Bradley tote, Mrs. Middleton started stacking paperbacks on the wide counter.

  “How did you like the books?” Julie asked.

  “I loved them, thank you for the recommendations. Does she have any more?”

  “Oh yes, she puts out books faster than I can keep up. We have two whole shelves devoted to her books. Let me show you.”

  “While you’re shopping I’ll total these up,” Beth said, sorting the pile of books on the countertop.

  Brenda Middleton was one of their best customers. For all the books she traded, she bought twice as many. She also sent in all her friends from her knitting circle. She’d been the first customer through their door five years ago. It was because of customers like her they’d been able to stay in business even when the large chain stores opened. They weren’t rolling in money but they made a comfortable living, although Dani’s medical bills were going to be a huge strain.

  She’d checked in the last book from Mrs. Middleton’s pile and totaled her credit. Beth was about to let her know when her phone vibrated. Fishing it out of her pocket, she groaned when she saw the name.

  “Hi, Dr. Andrews.”

  “Mrs. Fraser. How are you doing today?”

  Should she tell him the truth? Nah. “Fine, thanks. Has there been a change with Doug, is that why you’re calling?”

  “No change I’m afraid, and we ran the tests you asked for and there were no changes. He has no brain activity. Have you made a decision?”

  “No…yes…I don’t know. I don’t want to be the one to decide. He’s not even my husband anymore.”

  “But you’re the next of kin on all of his paperwork. There’s no one else.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “I understand, Mrs. Fraser, I do. It’s never an easy decision. Why don’t you come down and we can discuss it further.”

  “How late are you going to be there? I just got to work and I can’t leave right now.”

  “I’ll be here until about six today.”

  “Okay, I’ll try to make it over at lunch time.” Seeing Mrs. Middleton and Julie approaching, she said, “I’ve got to go. See you later.” Shoving the phone in her pocket, she plastered a smile on her face in time for them to get to the counter. Julie gave her a strange look but Beth shook her head.

  “You hit the jackpot, Mrs. M. Your credit is fifteen dollars and twenty cents.”

  “Splendid. Although I’m sure I picked out more than that.”

  Julie laughed. “You sure did. But I know you’re going to love these.”

  “So will my knitting group,” Mrs. Middleton replied with a wink. “It seems like a lot of the husbands have been a lot happier lately.” A tinge of pink stained the woman’s wrinkled cheeks and her eyes twinkled.

  “And what about Mr. Middleton?”

  “He’s a very happy man. If you get my drift.”

  Beth laughed. Nothing like helping the sex lives of the Willow Haven senior citizens. Too bad she didn’t have one anymore.

  After she left, Julie cornered Beth. “Who called? You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

  “Ugh. It was the doctor at the military hospital.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I haven’t told you everything about Doug. He’s been in a coma since the accident. It wasn’t just burns. They’re saying he’s brain dead; he has been like that really since he got there. I kept hoping they were wrong. But now they want me to consider pulling the plug so we can donate his organs.”

  “Shit. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I dunno. I hate this. We’ve been divorced almost five years. I’m the last one who should be making this decision.”

  “What about his parents? They sure had plenty of opinions when you guys were married.”

  “His mom died a couple of years ago and his dad last year. I never knew, you’d think he’d at least have told Dani her grandparents died. If he did she’d have told me.”

  “He’s an asshole. But we knew this and have for a long time. So it’s no surprise. How’d you find out?”

  “I tried to call them. Their phone was disconnected and the doctor said they were deceased. I Googled them and found their obits. So it leaves me with the decision. It sucks donkey balls. I feel like a cold-hearted bitch you know?”

  Wrapping her arms around Beth, Julie pulled her into a tight hug. “Yeah it does, and no you’re not. If he’s brain dead, there really isn’t any choice, right? Why keep him on life support to breathe. It’s not what he would have wanted is it?”

  “No, not when we got married, but now? Who the hell knows? After his last tour he changed so much. The PTSD didn’t help but I think it was something else too. Too damn stubborn to ever talk to me about it.”

  “Right. So do what you need to do. If not for you then for Dani. She doesn’t need to deal with a father hooked up to machines. Besides, who knows how many people will be saved with his organs.”

  “You really are the best.”

  “We already discussed this,” Julie said with a giggle. “So tell me, does Dani have any cute single doctors?”

  Giggling along with Julie, some of the tension drained from Beth’s shoulders. She didn’t realize how stressed she’d been. Stubborn…yep definitely. She should have talked to Julie about this before, it would’ve been one less thing she had to deal with alone. Decision made, and all she hoped was she didn’t change her mind between now and when she met with Dr. Andrews. Then she’d have to figure out a way to tell Dani. She didn’t even want to think about that discussion.

  Chapter Two

  Pulling in to the parking lot at the military hospital, Beth fought the urge to turn around and leave. Suck it up buttercup, it’s big girl panty time. He’d have no problem pulling your plug. At least she didn’t think he would. She’d loved him so much but he’d murdered it, one heartbeat at a time until there was nothing left. He hadn’t been the man she’d married in longer than she could remember.

  Monday. A strange thing to think as she approached the automatic doors. She’d read somewhere Mondays were bad days for changes, maybe she should come back tomorrow. With a sigh, she stepped through the doors and let her feet take her to Dr. Andrews’ office on the third floor.

  Stepping off the elevator, blaring alarms and nurses running down the hall with crash carts almost convinced her to go back to the bookstore. Could it be Doug? Maybe he made the decision for me. Nah. No brain function remember?

  The of
fice door was ajar and she knocked.

  “Ah, Mrs. Fraser. Thank you for coming.” He stepped from behind his desk and shook her hand, then directed her to one of the large leather chairs in front of his desk. From his attitude you’d never know she was there to decide life or death for her ex. She wondered how many times he’d had this discussion with family members. How did he do it and sleep at night?

  “Thank you,” she replied, not really knowing what else to say. What am I thanking him for?

  “Do you have any questions about the test results or anything else?”

  “Are you sure there’s no chance of recovery?”

  “It’s been three months and no changes at all to any of his brain scans. He shows no response at all. He’s already gone, Mrs. Fraser. The machines are the only thing keeping him alive.”

  Beth stared at her hands, absently rubbing her left ring finger where her wedding band used to be. She hadn’t worn it in over five years, but she swore she could still see a faint mark where it used to be. “I guess there isn’t much of a decision to make, is there?”

  “I’m afraid not. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. The hospital is not pressuring you into a decision, but he is an organ donor, which would make me think he’d want to go forward with that.”

  “It sure feels like you’re pressuring me, but I understand I guess. Have you ever had to make a decision like this for someone close to you?” He looked surprised by her question, and looked away from her gaze. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Did he have any idea what this decision was going to do to her or her daughter? Of course he didn’t. He probably didn’t care either. Why should he? We weren’t his patients.

  “Take the time you need. I’m sorry you feel pressured.”

  Shit. Now I feel like a bitch. “It’s okay. You have no idea how hard this is. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell I’ll look my daughter in the face and tell her I took her father off life support”

  “Don’t, tell her he passed away. It’s the truth.”

  “Obviously you don’t have a teenage daughter. There are no simple answers for them.” With a sigh, she knew it was the right thing to do. She’d only been prolonging the inevitable. “Can I have a few minutes with him, you know…before…” She let the comment drop. It was too hard to say the words.”

  “Of course. Take as long as you need.”

  Our meeting was over, it was way too simple a decision, too easy to end a man’s life, if it was still a life. He led her down the hall to her ex-husband’s room, then stepped out to give her some privacy. She held back the snort. It all felt so wrong. From the moment she’d gotten the call from the police, her life was a surreal rollercoaster ride through a house of horrors.

  Taking a deep breath, she approached the bed. It had been almost a week since she’d seen him last. Her time was Dani’s. She needed her. Doug never regained consciousness after the accident. At first they’d thought he would. But after they’d treated his broken bones and burns and he hadn’t improved, they’d done more extensive testing.

  “How did we get here, Doug? Where did we go wrong?” Of course there was no answer. She was there to say goodbye, it should’ve been easy after everything they’d been through, but it wasn’t. She’d loved him, he’d been her whole life, and when Dani was born they were the perfect little family, until he went to Iraq.

  The first deployment wasn’t too bad except the constant worry that she’d get the knock on the door telling her he was dead. She’d been ecstatic when he came home. Meeting him when he got off the plane in the airport, and how Dani ran to him on her little chubby two-year-old legs. The second deployment took its toll on him, and then by the third, PTSD had a strong hold on him, one he would struggle with every day, but instead it left him a changed man. He didn’t even tell her he was coming home the last tour, he’d just walked through their door one evening. Gone was the loving, sweet man she’d married. It was replaced with a belligerent bear bent on destruction, no matter how hard he fought to get back to some semblance of his former self.

  Two years later they were divorced. By then Dani was seven and understood way too much. She’d tried to make it work. But when she’d come home from the bookstore in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and found him lying in the middle of the living room floor passed out, and Dani crying in her room, it was the last straw. She could put up with a lot but don’t hurt her baby, no how no way.

  The divorce was the easiest part, he just walked away and it was almost six months before he came to see Dani for the first time. At first Dani cried for her daddy all the time but eventually it got better. Beth was never sure where he went or what he did during his time away, but when he came back things were better. He had gotten some kind of help and he was closer to the man she knew—at least most of the time. After that, things settled into a routine until three months ago.

  The machines beeped and she watched the heart monitor. His heart was still good, it was the things he’d seen and done that changed him. Now it might help someone else live a good life. It’s what she needed to hold onto. To remember the good times, the laughter, the Sunday morning pillow fights, and reading newspapers in bed. Why couldn’t you love us enough to change, to fight for our family?

  She didn’t realize she was crying until a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m so sorry it ended like this. You deserved better, you were a good man, a kind, loving father. I know deep down you wanted to be again, and you fought to be a good dad for Dani. I hope you can find peace and be happy again. I won’t let Dani forget how much you loved her, I promise. Goodbye, Doug,” she whispered and gave him one last kiss. Praying she’d done the right thing, she ran out of the room with tears sliding down her cheeks. She cried even harder as she realized all Dani would miss, the father-daughter dances, the driving lessons, being walked down the aisle. All the memories Beth shared with her father.

  “Okay, Dr. Andrews…”

  “I’m very sorry, Mrs. Fraser.

  “Thank you. So what happens now?”

  “We’ll take him to an operating room and prepare him so we can harvest his organs. If you’ll wait here a few moments, there’s a little ceremony we do as we move him.”

  A ceremony? She hadn’t thought there’d be anything like that. But then she’d been trying not to think about any of this. Sue and another nurse followed Dr. Andrews into Doug’s room. A few minutes later they were joined by orderlies, who rolled Doug’s bed down the hallway. A small honor guard appeared and walked with his bed.

  Patients appeared in their doorways or came into the hallway, they stood at attention and saluted as the bed rolled past. Tears rolled down Beth’s cheeks like a waterfall, and one of the nurses handed her a tissue and put an arm around her. As she stood racked with grief, her heart broke for Doug one more time, remembering the man she married, the man who gave her Dani, and the man she loved more than anything for a long time.

  The bed rolled out of her sight and she took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears and pull herself together. Doug would have been happy about this. He’d been proud to serve and it was a fitting end for the man he’d been once upon a time.

  Knowing she was in no shape to drive, she rushed down the hall to the patient solarium. It’s where Dr. Andrews found her a short while later and presented her with a flag. He looked sorry and uncomfortable at the same time and Beth nodded, thanking him, then she turned toward the windows, staring unseeing out the window, clutching the folded flag to her chest.

  He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to get out of the room before he went crazy. Not wanting to bother Sue, he carefully counted his steps to the bathroom door, then continued to count until he reached the doorjamb. She’d taken him to the solarium before and he’d counted the steps, so he should be able to do it by himself, right?

  Slow and steady he walked down the hallway, making sure to keep one hand on the wall, and counting three steps between the doorways. The normal hospital smells and sounds washed over him
until he got to the fourth doorway from his room. A woman was crying as she ran past him with a whoosh of air and the scent of orange blossoms. He doubted she even saw him. It was a good thing he’d stopped or she’d have taken him out.

  Her tears got to him. He hated hearing or seeing anyone cry, but she wasn’t just sad, she sounded devastated. He wondered if she was related to the soldier they’d taken away. He’d heard the brief ceremony but didn’t know anything other than it was a soldier, didn’t know if the soldier was male or female or even how old the soldier was. It reminded him if he’d died there would have been no one to cry at his bedside.

  “Lieutenant, what are you doing out of your room?”

  “Crap. You caught me.”

  Sue laughed. “If you wanted to go for a walk you should have buzzed. You know you have to be careful still.”

  “I wanted to do it myself.”

  She placed his hand on her shoulder and walked with him. “Where are we going?”

  “To the solarium, I needed to get out of my room.”

  “You made it more than halfway. Good job.”

  “Thanks.” He smiled, a bit of satisfaction in knowing he wasn’t totally helpless. Maybe if he didn’t get his sight back he’d be okay after all.

  “Do you want to sit near the windows?”

  “Yeah, I love the sun on my face.”

  “Me too, at least until July when it’s just too hot.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t live in Florida.”

  “I’m not leaving, I love the beach too much.” Mac wondered if he’d pegged her wrong. “Okay, Lieutenant, I’ll be back to check on you. Here’s the call button if you need anything,” she said as she placed it in his hand.

  “Thanks, Sue.”

  “Enjoy.”

  Lifting his face in the direction of the sun, he heard the same muffled tears and picked up the scent of orange blossoms. Her breathing hitched and she blew her nose. His other senses had ramped up when he couldn’t use his eyes and he was surprised how much he’d missed when only relying on his eyes. Would he have noticed her? Heard her tears, smelled her perfume?