OMG! Is This Actually My Life? Hattie Moore's Unbelievable Year!
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I think I would know if I was naturally sexy. I would feel more … tingly.
9.23 p.m.
Just tripped over my actual own legs – not sexy.
10.14 p.m.
Just examined own legs. Leg stubble – NOT sexy. Why does it grow back so quickly?
SATURDAY 31ST JANUARY
5.05 p.m.
Been practising eating food in front of the mirror.
The following foods are NOT erotic:
cornflakes
crisps
toast
baked beans
water biscuits
Gran’s fruit cake
The following foods COULD be sexy:
Müller Light Fruit Corner
dark chocolate Magnum
banana
6.29 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says bananas are far too “obvious”.
6.43 p.m.
Just tried eating another banana in the mirror. Jen is right.
SUNDAY 1ST FEBRUARY
3.29 p.m.
Asked Gran today why leg hair grows back so quickly.
She says I’m a mental to shave and that they are doing cheap waxing at the college. I feel so sorry for the beauty student that sees the back of her legs. It would be enough to make her decide on another career!
Gran says she might have an eyebrow shape and a Brazilian as they are on offer too.
Gran having a Brazilian. I actually do now need counselling.
7.19 p.m.
Just tried to eat Gran’s roast dinner erotically. She asked me if I had cramps. I don’t think I am very good at this.
MONDAY 2ND FEBRUARY
4.27 p.m.
Showed Jen at lunch today how I intended to drink my coffee seductively. She said obviously she wasn’t a boy but she thought I quite possibly could look quite good doing it. She told me I had to slow down though as it’s the PACE of how you eat the food that really matters – NOT the actual food. You have to chew everything at least 36 times.
5.45 p.m.
How can you chew a Müller Light Fruit Corner?
6.43 p.m.
Goose came round to see my stepdad. He doesn’t really count as a boy but I ate an orange in front of him to see if he would notice anything. He just carried on talking about being ripped off on eBay. HATTIE MOORE, YOU NEED TO BE MORE OBVIOUS. EAT SLOWER.
TUESDAY 3RD FEBRUARY
10.17 p.m.
I was late for school this morning as it took me 22 minutes to eat 2 Weetabix. Then at lunch Mrs Matfield asked if I was unwell as I was “meandering over my chips like an invalid”. It’s not easy learning to be sexy – I hope McFittie appreciates all this.
10.33 p.m.
Mum reminded me I have the dentist tomorrow afternoon – going to miss double Science – YES!!!
WEDNESDAY 4TH FEBRUARY
5.02 p.m.
TOTAL nightmare.
Just been to the dentist and he says I need braces – otherwise my teeth will end up sticking out like diving boards. I WILL NEED TO WEAR THEM for at least 12 months. Who is going to want to kiss a robot? The good news is for an extra £1,500 I can have the ones which match the colour of my teeth!
10.24 p.m.
Mum says that I will have to have the cheaper version. Does she realize that I may now be single for the rest of my life?
10.38 p.m.
Asked Mum if I could contact my real dad to ask him for the money to pay for my braces. She turned into a mental and shouted, “Hattie, DON’T BE RIDICULOUS! He hasn’t paid any child support ever and … I don’t even know where he is.”
I BET SHE DOES! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, MUM? I DESERVE THE TRUTH!!!
I thought that but I didn’t say it.
THURSDAY 5TH FEBRUARY
4.54 p.m.
OFFICIAL – I am having my braces fitted on the 16th February. Please note this is 2 days after my birthday – so I will start my 14th year on Earth looking craptacular like never before.
I will NEED to go out with McFittie before then so he can truly fall in love with the REAL me before I become half-woman half-metal.
8.10 p.m.
Goose just texted me to say that braces “can look cool”.
1. Why does my mum tell Goose’s mum everything about my life?!
2. Why does Goose’s mum tell HIM everything about my life? As a woman she should know I NEED PRIVACY.
9.35 p.m.
I’ve just listened to my fave song and I’ve decided I am going to TOTALLY rock braces. I am NOT going to sit in my room crying about it like a massive spoon. But first, tomorrow is McFittie Day. I am going to go in there and be the best woman I CAN BE. I AM GOING FOR IT!
FRIDAY 6TH FEBRUARY
5.26 a.m.
CAN’T SLEEP.
McFittie Day.
When I write here again I could be the girlfriend of someone gorgeous who gets free skinny blueberry muffins on a daily basis.
7.36 a.m.
Just had full MASSIVE bath with two LUSH bath bombs. Mum said, “You’re up early.” Yes, I am, Mum – as I basically have an appointment with Hotness after school.
I didn’t say this, as she would go mental.
4.15 p.m.
Jen just did my make-up. My eyes are POPPING-OUT good and she let me borrow her lip plumper. I have officially the greatest friends in the world ever.
I’m going to go for it. It’s time. McFittie BE MINE. Hattie Moore is ON A HOT LOVE MISSION TO CAPTURE McFITTIE.
11.35 p.m.
I think I would like to move to Spain and never come back.
I don’t think I want to keep this thing any more either.
SATURDAY 7TH FEBRUARY
SUNDAY 8TH FEBRUARY
8.23 a.m.
This diary is looking at me. But I can’t write it now.
10.34 a.m.
No, Mum, I am not getting up today. There is no point.
4.36 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says writing things down can make you feel better. So here it is. This is how my life ended.
I went to see McFittie in Bertie’s after school and ordered a tea (you can make that quietly). While I was waiting I started a conversation.
Me: How are you?
McFittie: Fine. Would you like milk?
Me: Yes. I like milk. I like music too. Who do you listen to? Do you write your own stuff?
McFittie: Sugar?
Me: No, thanks. My friend Dimple says sugar causes MASSIVE zits. You’d love Dimple. Her dad’s a surgeon and she really likes bhangra.
(I know I was talking more than him but men don’t talk a lot so I thought it was going really well.)
Next he offered me a biscotti and I bought it and sat at the table directly opposite him. Then I dipped my biscotti in my tea and tried to eat it sexily.
STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. Because a STUPID bit of biscotti went down my stupid useless throat the wrong way and I ended up nearly choking to death on it. My coughing got so bad McFittie ran over and brought me a glass of water and started patting me on the back. That didn’t work.
Then stupid fat sales guy (who was in Bertie’s for ANOTHER meeting) said, “I’ve got my first-aid certificate – stand her up and thump her between her shoulders!” This DID work but I ended up blowing bits of biscotti everywhere. And dribbling water down my top.
So just to sum up Hattie Moore’s day of triumph – I nearly died because of a crumb, and the man I love saw me spit food all over the place like a STUPID fountain of spew. NOT SEXY. NOT SEXY. NOT SEXY.
I hate myself. And biscotti.
10.14 p.m.
My brother just heard me crying. He came in and asked what was wrong. When I told him he gave me a hug and said, “Perhaps he found it cute? You never know. And if he didn’t there’ll be other boys – even for an ugly like you.” Then he winked.
Sometimes my brother is not evil and actually perhaps I will allow him to live.
10.36 p.m.
Perhaps the lovely part of my brother comes from my real dad. It
certainly does not come from my mum.
MONDAY 9TH FEBRUARY
8.34 p.m.
Dimple agrees with my brother. She thinks choking on a crumb may make me seem “sweet” and that boys “like to look after you” and “be the strong one”.
I love Dimple but I think she’s just being nice.
TUESDAY 10TH FEBRUARY
7.34 p.m.
I have been waiting to use the bathroom for about 12 hours. I need to keep on top of my hairiness and zit situation so if I do bump into McFittie I am all gorgeousness.
My stepdad takes ages in there. I understand that he spends all day in his car, and BO is the fear of every driving instructor. But seriously – how long does a man need to make sure he doesn’t smell?! He goes through two bottles of Lynx a week. How hard can it be to just sit there and tell people how to use a gearstick? He’s hardly building up a sweat.
I’ve decided to give me and McFittie some space. I’m not going to go to Bertie’s for a few days. Hopefully by then he will have forgotten about it.
10.45 p.m.
Who am I kidding? He’s probably telling someone right now how he saved my life and what I looked like with biscotti all over my chin.
WEDNESDAY 11TH FEBRUARY
10.14 p.m.
We had the second meeting today of the Not Fair Protest Group.
Invisible braces are to be free on the NHS. I am contacting the prime minister directly as he is in charge of this sort of thing.
Weirdo Jen has suggested that we combine NFPG meetings with a make-up masterclass. I think this may be the best idea in the history of the world.
Teachers are NOT to wear make-up. If school isn’t about looking glamorous then that should be for EVERYONE – including staff.
Biscotti to be banned as they are actually dangerous and ruin lives.
THURSDAY 12TH FEBRUARY
10.19 p.m.
I’ve emailed the prime minister through the Downing Street website. It says responses cannot be guaranteed – but surely there are not many things more important than the nation’s teeth?!
From: Hattie Moore
Date: February 12, 09:23:12 PM GMT
To:
Subject: Bad braces RUIN lives as much as the recession!
Dear Prime Minister,
I am writing to you today asking for your help.
I have been told I have to have braces but I cannot afford the ones that will actually stop me from looking like something from Doctor Who.
PLEASE, PLEASE, Prime Minister, can you make invisible braces free on the NHS to girls under 16? In the long run you will undoubtedly save money as people with bad braces always need counselling when they are older.
Looking forward to hearing from you. (My stepdad told me to write this – apparently it means, “I want a reply”.)
He HAS to reply SURELY. I will be a voter soon!
10.57 p.m.
OMG – how good would it be to have the prime minister as your dad?! You could film him on the toilet and threaten to put it on YouTube – then he would do ANYTHING you wanted.
11.14 p.m.
For all I know my dad COULD be the prime minister!
FRIDAY 13TH FEBRUARY
7.56 p.m.
Goose said he had heard about what happened with McFittie (APPARENTLY THE WHOLE WORLD HAS) and he was really sorry and it was McFittie’s loss as I was actually lovely and funny. WHAT IS THAT BOY’S PROBLEM? Does he actually enjoy reminding me of everything that is wrong with my life right now?
I told Goose that he should concentrate on his own life – like the fact his mum still calls him “Goosey Woosey” at the age of 15. LOL!!! Goose said he loved his mum and actually didn’t care what other people thought.
Thinking about it, it is actually really sweet that Goose still feels that way about his mum. Wish I did.
11.36 p.m.
OMG – I FORGOT my Citizens’ Advice Bureau appointment.
Can’t believe I have let a near-death from a biscotti stop me from finding my dad.
I’ll call them on Monday to re-arrange it.
SATURDAY 14TH FEBRUARY
12.09 p.m.
MY BIRTHDAY!
Got 6 birthday cards – but more to the point JUST got a VALENTINE’S DAY CARD. It has a massive picture of a battered old teddy bear on it with “Happy Valentine’s Day” and then inside it says, “Valentine – I’d love you whatever you were.”
PLEASE, PLEASE, let it be from McFittie. Dimple is coming round to examine it fully.
3.05 p.m.
Me and Dimple have been sniffing the card for the past 10 minutes and Dimps is convinced that she can smell caffeine. Also the message “I’d love you whatever you were” has to refer to me choking on a biscotti and ending up with drool on my face. Thinking about it, it SO could be from him.
Going bowling tonight for my birthday. Me, Dimple and Jen are going to work out a love plan.
9.23 p.m.
Just got in from Megabowl. We’ve agreed that Dimple is going to go into Bertie’s tomorrow and basically ask McFittie if he likes me. If he says yes then I am going FULL-ON for action. If he says no – then I will die. But then at least I’ll know and will be able to move on and continue to grow as a person.
SUNDAY 15TH FEBRUARY
7.32 a.m.
Just realized growing as a person is what Dr Phil says you should do. Once he is in your head he’s very hard to get out.
My brace gets fitted tomorrow. Just taken a photo of my teeth on my mobile. Goodbye, naked white things. Hello, big metal gates on my face.
9.30 p.m.
Just spoke to Dimple. She said McFittie was really busy and they couldn’t talk. Then she changed the subject to THE DENTIST!!! Why would I want to talk about my braces instead of hotness?! Anyway Dimple is going to see him again tomorrow. Whilst I am going through hell.
10.14 p.m.
Mum just came in to tell me that she’s coming with me to the dentist! Apparently, according to her friend Paul, it’s the law. Err – yes, Mum, I am actually 14 now – I can dress and feed myself. I don’t need you at the dentist.
But she’s still coming!
MONDAY 16TH FEBRUARY
11.23 a.m.
(Half-term. In fact the worst start to a half-term EVER.)
Rang the Citizens’ Advice Bureau. They now can’t see me till the 21st April!
That’s weeks away. Rob reckons it’s because everyone is now going bankrupt, getting divorced AND having problems with anti-social behaviour.
AND NOW I’VE GOT THE DENTIST!!!
7.12 p.m.
I am in so much pain.
I’ve just had the afternoon from HELL.
We got to Mr Crawford the dentist. He numbed my mouth with about a million injections and then he started PULLING MY TEETH OUT. I thought, OMG – he’s got the wrong patient! Like that guy on TV that had his arm chopped off because they mixed him up with his twin.
Then the dentist said, “Hattie, to fit your brace we need to take your Number 4 teeth out.” ERR – MR MENTAL, YOU DID NOT MENTION THIS AT MY LAST APPOINTMENT! Apparently he did though and he even sent Mum a letter and that’s why she had to be with me!
Next thing I know he is STANDING ON A CHAIR to PULL 2 TEETH OUT. There was blood everywhere – on me, on the dentist, on the big light thing above my head.
THEN he said, “Have a rest Hattie”. He had a slurp of coffee and THEN started wetting himself at Steve Wright’s “Factoids” on the radio.
WHY ARE DENTISTS EVEN ALLOWED THE RADIO ON? DOCTORS AREN’T!
AND THEN … he glued my brace on.
My stupid, ugly, horrible, EVIL brace.
By the time he had finished I was even whiter than normal with crusty blood all over my lips. The only good thing was Mum looked SO WORRIED! HA! She DOES care! She said, “Hattie, you were great in there. I was really proud.”
I have to be brave to prove that I am mature and capable of handling pa
in.
7.32 p.m.
I have decided I am not capable of handling pain. This is a nightmare. My entire face aches. I’m starving but I’m not actually allowed to chew. Mum has said she will “rustle me up something suitable for tea”.