OMG! Is This Actually My Life? Hattie Moore's Unbelievable Year!

by Rae Earl

  I didn’t eat anything for tea as I needed to look properly ill. Now I need to spend the whole weekend working out what the note is about. You know what I am thinking, don’t you? I KNOW it’s a massive coincidence but Weirdo Jen says sometimes if you really want something to happen, the universe actually listens.

  7.14 p.m.

  Actually I don’t feel that well. Please let me have glandular fever – you get 6 months off school! I need more time off to go through the rest of this house to find out what else is being hidden from me. I KNOW there’s something and I KNOW it’s big. I have always known. It wouldn’t surprise me if Mum wasn’t my mum and I was actually an adopted Gypsy or something. OR perhaps I have been put into this house because I have special powers and the government is trying to keep me safe from terrorists or the forces of evil until I reach 18.

  There MUST be a reason why that theory is in my head. Perhaps they wiped my brain before they put me here.

  7.59 p.m.

  Just realized that’s basically actually what happens to Harry Potter – that’s why it’s in my head. LOL!

  I could still be adopted though.

  9.32 p.m.

  So pleased it’s Saturday tomorrow. Me and my brace can just hide from the world.

  SATURDAY 28TH FEBRUARY

  11.12 a.m.

  Got up this morning, logged into Facebook and saw a message from MGK. I was nearly sick. I can’t even get away from her in my own bedroom!

  All the message had in it was a website link to richardbluepaperproducts.com

  I didn’t get it at first. They are a company that make paper bags. Then I realized what she meant – I’m such an ugly I need a bag over my head.

  Why can’t she leave me alone? I’ve never done anything to her.

  12.57 p.m.

  Just went downstairs for some toast. My stepdad said, “Did you want that toast blended for easy eating?” He was just joking but I burst into tears and ran upstairs. Rob came after me and said, “Oh Hattie, I am so sorry – I was only kidding. Whatever is the matter?” I made him promise not to tell anyone then I blurted it out about MGK and the chanting and the Facebook message. Rob said, “Hattie, we HAVE to tell your mum.” I said no, but he reckons it’s her RIGHT to know and no one should have to live like this. OMG, I would rather just put up with it than Mum get involved.

  5.15 p.m.

  Rob told Mum. Now she is threatening to go up to the school. This will make it 20 times worse. Basically I will have to change schools, leave Dimple and Jen. I wish I could just go abroad like all the celebs do when they split up with someone. I know the paparazzi are not after me but Mum is – and that’s worse.

  SUNDAY 1ST MARCH

  7.23 p.m.

  Goose came round today. I told him about being bullied. He asked if there was anything he could do. I said basically no, Goose. My life is about to end. My mum is going to go up to the school, make me look about 7 years old and ruin my entire life. MGK will then never leave me alone and I will be forced to be home-schooled like one of the girls you think are getting fatter but turn out to be ACTUALLY PREGNANT!

  UNBELIEVABLY he then said that I should “trust my mum” and “get it sorted”. Is Goose actually 86?! I don’t want it sorted by my mum – I just want MGK to stop. I want to be able to go to school and not have everyone wet themselves at my metal head. I HATE THIS LIFE.

  Then I told Goose about the note – but I didn’t tell him what I thought – and he thinks EXACTLY the same thing. IT MUST BE MY DAD. IT MUST BE!!! CARLO? CARLO?! Goose said he must be on the Internet somewhere but when we googled Carlo it came up with 62 million results. Goose agreed we need to narrow it down a bit. I can’t ask Mum because she will know I’ve been through her drawer but I might casually mention the name to Gran.

  11.47 p.m.

  Just remembered one good thing – Goose said that all the boys thought MGK was a total doughnut slagbag and it’s hilarious she wants to be a glamour model because she has no breasts. This has made me feel slightly better.

  11.52 p.m.

  Bet MGK gets the best boob job ever. And marries someone famous. And has her wedding in OK magazine. In fact I can actually guarantee that this is going to happen.

  MONDAY 2ND MARCH

  2.05 a.m.

  I can’t sleep. So worried about everything and keep thinking about MGK’s celebrity wedding. She will have mini cupcakes and a Cinderella carriage-thing.

  3.19 a.m.

  She won’t have bridesmaids unless they are all fat and make her look even better. The Beckhams will be there and Elton John – if he’s still alive.

  I can’t believe MGK is actually getting millions for her wedding – it just sucks.

  6.34 a.m.

  Think I got a bit carried away but I know it’s going to happen. When it does I am showing everyone this to prove I am never wrong.

  7.12 a.m.

  Mum just said, “Hattie, either you go to school or I will.” When I begged for a couple more days off she just shouted, “Me or you!” Well, Mum, it’s you then – go and make everything 20 million times worse. Thanks. Ruin my life.

  Weirdo Jen texted. She told me she loved me and said she is trying voodoo on MGK but needs some chicken legs. This is difficult as both her parents are vegans. It’s sweet she is trying though.

  10.10 a.m.

  Jeremy Kyle has got a drug dealer on. Well, he did have – he just told him to “get off my stage”. Might ring Jeremy Kyle and get MGK on. He will sort her out AND be nice to me.

  10.37 a.m.

  Oh GREAT. You have to be 16 or over to be on Jeremy Kyle. Craptacular. Of course none of us under-16s have any problems at all. Bullied, and WHO IS MY DAD?! Can’t even do a DNA test, Jeremy, as he is nowhere to be seen!

  1.43 p.m.

  Mum just rang. She has been up to the school. She was there before 9 – OF COURSE! I HAVE to go in tomorrow. They couldn’t go into detail with my mum BUT they have started their anti-bullying procedure and are going to talk to MGK today. They want to talk to me tomorrow about “the situation”. I could vom. Now I’ve dropped her RIGHT IN IT she will make me pay. I can’t get out of it though. Mum is walking with me to school like a mental.

  TUESDAY 3RD MARCH

  6.32 p.m.

  Me and Mum went in just after 8. It was weird walking through the empty playground into Mrs Cob’s office. When we got in there Mrs Cob’s secretary made me and my mum A CUP OF TEA. It was really freaky. Then Mrs Cob said that she was very sorry that I didn’t feel that I could talk to her about what had been going on. In line with the school’s anti-bullying procedure she had spoken to MGK. She said she couldn’t discuss what MGK had said BUT she would be speaking to her parents.

  Mrs Cob then told us that ANY bullying would not be tolerated at school and that prolonged abusive behaviour would result in a suspension that could severely affect a pupil’s career plans (though I don’t think you need GCSEs to get your breasts out for money, Mrs Cob).

  Basically if ANYONE ever takes the pee out of me again, I am to go straight to Mrs Cob who will take “immediate action”.

  After that I went to double Art and MGK didn’t even look at me! She just carried on doing her craptacular clay model of a Hermès Birkin bag. I AM FREE! I AM FREE! It was SO good to see Dimple and Weirdo Jen again and they gave me a massive hug – until Mrs Matfield went mad at us and said school wasn’t “for hugging”.

  Why can’t the school start its anti-bullying procedure against Mrs Matfield?

  Can’t tell you how much better I feel. I have been so worried about things.

  6.46 p.m.

  Just realized Mum actually really helped me. Might go downstairs and thank her.

  6.59 p.m.

  Thanked Mum. She looked upset and said in a huge strop way, “Hattie, just tell me things – I’ve known that girl’s mother for years, you know. I can help. I’m on your side. Please don’t bottle stuff up.” If she is on my side, then:

  1. Why doesn’t she tell me ab
out my real dad?

  2. Why is EVERYTHING I do wrong?

  3. Why am I the only girl of my age that has been banned from wearing actually decent knickers?

  WEDNESDAY 4TH MARCH

  5.12 p.m.

  MAXMARVELLOUSNESS day at school.

  MGK is STILL ignoring me and all her gang just stay right away from me. THEN Danielle Lance revealed the following:

  Danielle’s mum still lays her clothes out for her every evening and helps her out with “difficult sleeves”.

  Her mum also has never actually been sick – she just swallows it.

  LOL! Perhaps my mum isn’t so bad after all.

  Then went to see Gran and told her about the bullying. She was really offended that I hadn’t told her too but when she threatened to give MGK “just what the prissy little madam deserves” I was glad that I hadn’t! Gran really, REALLY hates her. It’s FANTASTIC.

  Then I had to find a way to casually ask Gran if she knew a Carlo, so I just slipped into the conversation the question “What’s your favourite Italian men’s name?” I don’t think she was suspicious. Gran said, “Giuseppe.”

  When I said Carlo Gran looked ever so slightly weird, turned her back and said, “Isn’t he the bloke who owns that restaurant in town?” Then there was a massive gap and she started talking about her bunions. She always talks about those when she wants to change the subject.

  THURSDAY 5TH MARCH

  8.32 p.m.

  I think I may actually be the new Gordon Ramsay. In Food Technology today I made the finest apple crumble in the history of modern desserts. I think Jamie Oliver may actually want to marry me and let me do the cooking. Mrs Angel said it was “first class” and she can’t wait to see what I can do with a frittata next week.

  After school we went shopping and I asked Mum if I could get the ingredients for a beef Wellington with a horseradish cream as I’d seen it on Masterchef and I thought I could recreate it from memory. Mum said, “Hattie, we are having oven chips and drumsticks tonight – I want my dinner at 7 p.m. not 11 p.m.” So I stayed outside in a mood. If she is not willing to encourage my talents I’m not going to help her do a big shop.

  10.14 p.m.

  Just googled frittata . It’s got loads of eggs in it. Eggs will be banned in my restaurant. You don’t really need them for cooking anyway.

  10.55 p.m.

  OMG – frittata! Carlo! Perhaps great Italian cooking is in my genes.

  FRIDAY 6TH MARCH

  5.13 p.m.

  Realized this morning that while I was waiting for my mum outside Tesco’s last night I put my apple crumble down and forgot to pick it up again. Marv to think that my crumble is currently being enjoyed in someone else’s house. It’s totally like being famous.

  6.19 p.m.

  UNBELIEVABLE! Mum has gone mental about me losing an apple crumble. She says we have to ring Tesco’s manager and ask (AND SHE IS SERIOUS) if anyone has actually handed in an apple crumble!

  7.35 p.m.

  Rang Tesco’s customer services. They said no apple crumble had been handed in and even if it had been it would have been destroyed immediately as a contamination risk. Is it the mission of all adults to make me feel craptacular?

  SATURDAY 7TH MARCH

  10.26 a.m.

  MUM IS STILL MENTAL about the crumble. Is her life so empty?!

  I said, “Mum if someone found my crumble they would just eat it and keep the dish.” Mum said, “Call the local police. Perhaps someone handed it in!” When I refused she went completely LOON and said, “Hattie – you are calling them.”

  Apparently I HAVE to find the dish because it’s a family heirloom that Gran’s mum had and has been passed down through generations.

  1. How can a dish survive that long?

  2. Think of all the manky food that has been in it. ERRRGGHH!

  3. Other families have jewellery and paintings that they can take on The Antiques Roadshow. Why have we got an oven dish?!

  SUNDAY 8TH MARCH

  2.25 p.m.

  Called the police. UNBELIEVABLY someone has handed in my crumble. The policeman was laughing his head off saying, “Yes, we have apprehended a stray crumble in the vicinity of Tesco’s. It is currently being detained in a holding cell in our fridge!”

  Oh LOL, NOT.

  MONDAY 9TH MARCH

  6.34 p.m.

  After school we collected the crumble from the police and the address of the person who handed it in. Mum is making me write a thank you note. According to her, “Dear Mrs Crisp, thank you for saving my crumble” is not sufficient. What am I meant to say?!

  I am having to spend time on an APPLE CRUMBLE rather than investigating MY OWN HUMAN GENES.

  I have decided though that I actually DO want to be a celebrity chef.

  8.17 p.m.

  Just spoke to Dimple on my mob. She pointed out that I will be following in my mum’s footsteps if I get into cooking. I went up like a mental: “Dimps, I want to be a celebrity chef, not cook fry-ups in a cafe!” Dimple said I would probably have to start somewhere small then work up. ER, NO!!! Did Jamie Oliver start his career cooking bacon sarnies?! Dimple reckons he started in his parents’ pub!

  9.23 p.m.

  Been on Wikipedia – Dimple is right. Bet it’s a posh pub though and builders and their bums are banned.

  TUESDAY 10TH MARCH

  6.24 p.m.

  Dimps has just texted. She’s invited me round for her festival of Holi tomorrow. Now religiousy things are usually completely boring. EVEN more boring than the “quiet birthday party” Danielle Lance had when she was 6. BUT at Dimple’s house there is always tons of her mum’s food, which is utterly DELISH. Basically I can just ignore the God stuff and focus on the samosas.

  I’m not allowed to tell Weirdo Jen I am going as she is banned from Dimple’s house. She once did Mrs Rathod’s tarot cards and told her she would benefit from a new relationship. Mr Rathod went mental.

  WEDNESDAY 11TH MARCH

  9.42 p.m.

  OMG. Weirdest day EVER.

  Dimple and I never get serious about world things but I actually think my best friend might be a Nazi.

  Basically I went round Dimple’s house and there was a MASSIVE Nazi swastika symbol thing on her front doorstep. Everybody there was acting totally normally but it was there. In bright colours. HUGE. And when I think about it, Dimple’s uniform is always perfect – and Nazis ALWAYS looked dead smart. AND at school she always does as she is told. PLUS her dad is really tough. He says there is never any excuse for someone not to be working – unless they are dead or in intensive care.

  My best friend is a NAZI!!! WHAT DO I DO? And I can’t even call Jen and ask for advice because that big Nazi party that just happened was not meant to have happened.

  Have to speak to Dimple tomorrow. I feel actually dead angry with her.

  10.09 p.m.

  But less angry than when I thought she had nicked McFittie off me. Does that make me shallow?

  10.13 p.m.

  Just realized I haven’t thought of McFittie in ages. Yes, I am officially shallow. And fickle.

  THURSDAY 12TH MARCH

  12.16 p.m.

  Tackled Dimple at break. She is NOT a Nazi. Apparently Hindus had the swastika first and Hitler just hijacked it. What a relief!

  4.45 p.m.

  That sucks for Hindus though as I bet loads of people think they are actual mental Hitler lovers. OMG, in fact perhaps Hindus are losing out on loads of full-on love action because who wants to tongue a nutter?!

  FRIDAY 13TH MARCH

  5.12 p.m.

  Weirdo Jen brought her runes into school today. They are these fortune-telling stone things. She did mine – there was absolutely no mention of men. She said she couldn’t see any men on the horizon, just a focus on “maturing” and “growth”! That MUST be about finding out who my dad is.

  Dimple got loads of love stones, but we couldn’t finish because Mrs Matfield saw us playing with them and confiscated them as
“school is not about messing with the occult”. Weirdo Jen said that Mrs Matfield did not know what she was messing with and she had awakened Nature’s forces. Mrs Matfield gave Jen a lunch detention and said she wasn’t scared of anything that wasn’t actually holding a machine gun.

  She is a PURE EVIL mental. She should not be allowed near young people. Or any people in fact.

  8.37 p.m.

  Keep thinking about “growth”. I HAVE to ask Mum about Carlo. I just need to find the right time because she’ll pretend to be busy. Or ill. Or she’ll turn away so I can’t see the mental twitch she gets when she is majorly lying.