Dan nods. “Yeah, me neither. That’s kind of why I want to go tonight. It’s just gonna be harder tomorrow.”
Ryan grimaces. “Yeah. Okay. So this is it?”
Dan reaches down and finds his underwear and jeans, lines up his feet and pulls them on as he stands. “Yeah, I think so. For now, at least.” He turns around and leans over, and this time he lets the kiss be as sweet and as real as it wants to be. When he pulls away, Ryan lets out a little huffing sigh.
“Okay. It’s been great to know you, Dan, and I’ll keep in touch.”
Yeah. Great to know you too.” It sounds wrong, sounds too distant, but he doesn’t know what to say that would be better, and maybe a little distance is what he needs. He scoops up his shirt and shoes in the living room, but waits until he gets outside to pull them on. He doesn’t want to take the chance that he’d change his mind if he stayed inside a minute longer.
He climbs down the wooden stairs and heads out into the night, taking deep breaths of the cool, dark air. He thinks of Justin, wonders what he would think, but he remembers his resolution from that morning and tries not to let himself dwell on that. Instead, he tries to think of a happy Justin memory. The first one he comes up with is about a time that he made Justin laugh so hard that tomato soup came out of his nose at his mother’s dining room table. Not romantic, not poignant… but funny as hell. He laughs a little to himself, remembering Molly’s reaction, remembering how Justin had tried to stop laughing, and it had only made him laugh more, until he’d had to get up and spit what was left of his mouthful of soup down the drain. He’d stood there over the kitchen sink, broad shoulders shaking, and Dan had come up behind him and hugged him as they laughed together. Dan thinks Ryan would have liked Justin, and that Justin would have liked Ryan. He isn’t sure whether that makes what he did better, or if it makes it worse.
Chapter 31
DAN DOESN’T sleep too well that night. He’s not sure he left things with Ryan in the right way. He had thought it would be easier if he didn’t stay any longer, but now it feels like he left too abruptly, and he wonders if he’s somehow cheapened the memory of the whole relationship. And he’s also still not sure how he should feel about moving on after Justin—Justin’s been out of his life for over a year, but he only actually died a month ago, so maybe Dan’s pushing on too fast. On a more concrete level, he’s worried about taking the barn to its first horse trial the next day. He’s been to plenty of competitions before, but he’s never been in charge, and he really doesn’t want to let Evan down. And that thought makes him anxious about Evan himself, and how things will be on the road with him. All in all, it’s not as restful a night as he might have hoped.
Still, he’s up with the sun the next morning, and heads down to the barn to start getting things ready. The horses were all bathed the day before, but they need to have their tack packed up and their shipping boots and blankets put on, and then Dan has to run over things with the riders and make sure that they’re bringing everything they need, and there’s a moment of panic when the shipping company calls to confirm a two-horse trailer when Dan had ordered a six. But it’s a six-horse trailer that shows up half an hour later, and the horses all load smoothly. Dan tries to calm himself as he helps Evan and Robyn pile the last bits of equipment into the trailer and the back of Evan’s Cherokee. Dan thinks about calling Ryan and trying to say a better goodbye, but he doesn’t know what he’d say differently, so he doesn’t call.
Tat is excited about riding in the horse trailer, so after Evan meets the driver and satisfies himself that he seems sane, Tat and Michelle climb up to the cab of the big truck, and Robyn and Dan settle in with Evan. Dan’s in the back seat, and he feels himself starting to nod off before they even get to town. He has trouble staying awake in a moving vehicle at the best of times, unless he’s driving, and this is not the best of times. Evan and Robyn are chatting happily in the front, and Dan doesn’t really feel like his presence is required, so he balls his jacket up to use as a pillow, and drifts off to sleep.
He has weird dreams, filled with motion and sound. He wakes up from a vision of Evan swimming through the flooded hallways of what Dan thinks might be his own elementary school, only to find the car stopped and Evan turned around in his seat and staring at him. He blinks a little confusedly, and then remembers where he is. He brings a hand up to his face to check for drool, but luckily it comes away dry.
“What’s up?” he asks, trying to sound somewhat coherent.
Evan grins. “Lunch break.” He’s looking at Dan fondly, and Dan bashfully smiles back. Justin used to say that Dan looked soft when he first woke up, as if he hadn’t gotten around to putting his walls up yet, and Dan wonders if that’s what Evan sees. He’s surprised to find that he doesn’t really mind if it is.
Robyn is already out of the car, stretching a little as she waits for them. Dan takes another second to wake up and then opens the car door and climbs out, indulging in a stretch of his own. The others are wandering back from the truck parked in front of them, and Dan finds the driver. “Can you open up the back for me? Let me give them a quick check while we’re stopped?” He looks at Robyn, then at the highway McDonalds they’re stopped at. “Can you just order me a Big Mac meal, with a Coke and an apple pie? I’ll be in soon.”
Tat’s excited to check on the horses as well, so she gives her order to Evan and climbs up the ramp with Dan while the others go into the restaurant. Tatiana is peering around at the animals like she’s never seen them before, and Dan tries to focus her a little.
“So, the first thing you want to check for is temperature. Too hot is worse than too cold, but neither is ideal, so you can change the vents if you need to. But I think we’re okay today. And we’re parked in the shade, so it shouldn’t get too hot while we’re sitting still. Then check each horse out. You don’t need to go right in with them, just tap their butts and see if they turn around and look alert, make sure they’re standing naturally. While you’re at it, check their boots and their sheets, and make sure everything’s still in place.” He and Tat do this, and Dan resists the urge to double-check the horses Tat looks at. He figures it’s important for her to think that he’s trusting her with a responsibility, and that he won’t automatically catch it if she messes up. But he sneaks a look when he can, and doesn’t see anything amiss. “Then check their hay—it’s not crucial on a trip this length, but having something to munch on can keep them calm.” He watches her carefully peek at each animal’s hay net, and grins. “They good?” She nods. “Okay, and we’ll give them water when we come back out. They usually won’t drink at the start of the break, but they probably will by the end. Everything make sense?” She nods, and they head out of the trailer and lift the ramp back up and bolt it shut. Dan checks the sight lines to be sure they’ll be able to see the trailer from inside, and then he and Tat head over.
The others have already bought the food and found tables by the windows, so Tat and Dan take quick detours to the washroom and then join them. The truck driver is a story teller, and while Michelle looks as if she’s heard about enough, Tat is still enthralled and gives the man a rapt audience. Dan catches Michelle’s eye, and softly asks, “Do you want to trade seats, ride in the car the rest of the way?”
Michelle smiles warmly at him. “No, I’m okay. But thanks for asking.”
They finish up the meal and tidy the table, and then Dan and Tat go out to pour water out of the containers they’d brought from the farm and offer it to the horses. They all have at least a little, and Dan goes back to the Cherokee confident that the horses are traveling well.
The rest of the trip is uneventful. Evan and Robyn try to get Dan to play stupid road games, and then to sing along to the radio. Robyn seems to hit her apex when she develops an epic game of “Would you rather…?” By the time the Cherokee pulls into the eventing grounds, she’s found the ultimate question of “Would you rather cut off your baby toe or sleep with Amy Winehouse?” and Dan and Evan have both bowed o
ut of the game citing car sickness.
The next hour or so is busy with getting the horses unloaded, checked in, settled in their temporary accommodations, and unpacking and sorting out the equipment. The most valuable stuff will stay in the back of the Cherokee, but there’s still enough equipment of medium value that Dan uses bicycle locks to fasten the footlockers to the metal stall enclosures. It won’t stop a determined thief, but it will keep things from being casually lifted.
At three o’clock the cross-country course is opened to allow the competitors to walk it, and they all go out and have a look at what their horses will be asked to do the next day. Dan encourages the other three to think out loud and try to figure out the challenges for themselves, only interjecting when he thinks they’ve missed something. He takes special care to point out a few dangerous spots to Tatiana, and works out possible strategies with her to ensure that she gets herself and her horse through safely. Evan has tagged along with them and seems to be listening carefully, occasionally throwing worried looks at Tat.
As they’re walking back from the course, Dan tries to reassure him. “There’s always an element of risk, but Sunshine’s a really strong, sensible jumper, and there’s nothing out there that will challenge her even a little bit. She’ll take care of Tat.” Evan nods and looks a little better, but still not exactly calm. Dan can’t blame him. Eventing is a dangerous sport, and all the caution in the world can’t change that. And it’s one thing to take the risk yourself, quite another to see your beloved baby sister try it. Dan wonders if Evan’s going to make it through the weekend without losing his mind.
There’s a barbecue planned for that night for all the competitors and visitors, and people are starting to gather around now, but the crew decides to take a quick run over and get settled in their motel before coming back. That brings up the awkward division of rooms. They’d had only one room booked originally, for the three women to share. Dan had planned to stay on a cot in the tack stall, to be near the horses. Then Tatiana had gotten it into her head that it would be an adventure to stay on the site, but Dan had refused to let her stay alone, and hadn’t really thought it would be appropriate for him to stay with her, so Robyn had volunteered, and Dan had booked another room at the motel so he and Michelle could have separate rooms. When Evan had decided to come, Dan had thought that it wouldn’t really seem fair to book a separate room for him when he’d expected the three girls to all stay together in one. He’d asked Evan if he wanted his own space, and Evan had said he was fine with sharing, and it was up to Dan. So he hadn’t added a room, and now he’s sharing with Evan. He isn’t worried about Evan being aggressive or inappropriate, he’s relieved to find, but it’s just… awkward.
Tat and Robyn stay on the site, Tat taking her responsibility so seriously that she can barely be dragged away from the stalls to eat. Evan, Dan and Michelle dart over to the motel and check in, throw their bags into the rooms, and drive back to the eventing grounds.
By the time they get back, the barbecue is well under way. They head over toward the food line, and they’re just walking past a small group of people when a surprised voice says, “Dan?”
Dan turns, and Evan stays with him while Michelle goes to find Robyn and Tat. “Sean! Hey, how are you?” Sean had competed at the national level for years with his old ride, but Dan hadn’t heard much about him since the horse had retired.
“I’m good, good….” Sean’s suddenly looking a little awkward, and Dan knows what’s coming. “I was, uh, sorry to hear—”
Dan cuts him off. “Yeah, thanks.” Like most athletes involved in high-risk sports, eventers can be superstitious, and Dan knows that it seems like bad luck to refer to a fatal accident on the eve of a competition.
Sean looks surprised, and then grateful. “Okay, thanks, man.” He gets a little more animated. “So, what are you doing out here? You’re not competing, are you?”
“Yeah, kinda.” He twists around to bring Evan into the conversation. “Evan, this is Sean Dubois. We used to ride against him. And, Sean, this is Evan Kaminski. He’s brought the Archer horses out from Kentucky, and I’m training them for him now.”
Sean looks impressed. “Kaminski? Wow. I, uh….” He raises his eyebrows. “I’d heard you were thinking about getting involved in eventing.”
“Just starting up, actually. Dan’s showing us the ropes.”
Sean nods. “Yeah, great, no one better.” He looks back at Dan. “So, what are you riding tomorrow?”
“Nothing serious—we’ve got a couple horses going hors concours, a couple just taking trial runs at beginner novice, and then one competitor at training level. How about you?”
“Uh, just one, at training.”
Dan nods, and then looks over to the food line. “Well, we’d better go if we want any food. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sean nods, and Dan and Evan move off. When they’re a safe distance away, Dan looks at Evan and says, “I’ll bet you twenty bucks he’s hitting you up for my rides by the end of the weekend.”
Evan frowns curiously, and Dan explains. “He’s a pro. Showing one horse at the training level—that’s not enough to keep him fed. He must be looking for work, and he won’t mind taking someone else’s ride if he has to.”
“Is that normal? I mean, to be that cutthroat? It sounded like you guys are friends.”
Dan shrugs. “It’s a business. Eventing is an expensive sport, and most of the people seriously involved are either rich”—he nods toward Evan—“or doing whatever they can to earn rides, just trying to have another season with the horses.” He nods down toward himself and then adds, “Sean’s not rich.”
Evan looks a little incredulous. “But you don’t do that… you don’t act like that.”
Dan shrugs. “I’ve got a sweetheart deal. I mean, I’m a kept man, to some extent.” He glances at Evan’s raised eyebrows and shakes his head with a little smile. “Not that way. I just mean most trainers are running their own barns, responsible for their own bills, and if they don’t do well, if they don’t produce winners, their business shuts down.” They’ve arrived at the line now, and Dan turns to face Evan directly. “I don’t mean that there’s no burden on me to get the horses to perform, but you’ve got realistic, long-term expectations, and you’ve got the finances to give us a cushion. I don’t hustle like that because I don’t have to, but if I had to… I don’t know. I know I want to keep riding.”
Evan frowns. “It’s—I mean, it’s just a game to me, even to Tat….”
Dan nods and smiles again. “Yeah. I know. I think there’s a lot of things I take seriously that are just a game to you.”
Evan frowns, and looks a little hurt, and Dan shakes his head. “I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean personal stuff. I meant… I don’t know, like that fish.” It’s strangely important to Dan that he make Evan understand this. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t have fun, I’m not being critical of it, but… how much money are you talking about there? I mean, if you’re looking at the whole quarterly profit of a company your size—you’re talking about millions of dollars, right?”
Evan nods cautiously.
“So you’d think that making millions of dollars would be a pretty big rush, but you’ve got so much money that it doesn’t even matter to you anymore. I mean, if I made… I don’t even want to know, but let’s say, what, a hundred million? In three months?” Evan shrugs his acceptance of that estimate, and Dan can’t help but be a little shocked. He’d known the Kaminskis were loaded, but… wow. He tries to get back on topic, and explains, “If I made a tenth of that, it would change my life entirely. But for you, the money doesn’t really matter, so you turn it into a game. You play with a bunch of numbers and take bets on a damn stuffed fish.”
Evan looks thoughtful, and maybe a little sad. Dan tries to make it better. “I don’t mean it as a criticism, man. It’s just the way things are. It’s different for you.”
Evan nods a little. “Yeah, no… I get it. I was just…. J
eff used to talk the same way…. I was just wondering why he doesn’t anymore.” Evan’s eyes lock with Dan’s, fiercely intent. “Because I appreciate you saying it, I do. I mean, it’s easy for me to just waltz around and ignore that stuff, and it would be easier for you to just dismiss me as some spoiled brat, and not bother trying to explain.” He takes a deep breath, and then lets it out. “I wonder if Jeff has given up on making me understand.”
Dan doesn’t like the direction this conversation is taking. “Jeff loves you, man. I’m, like, the least perceptive person in the world, and I can see that.”
Evan nods. “Yeah. But….” Evan doesn’t finish the sentence, but he doesn’t have to. The “what if that isn’t enough” is clear on his face, even to Dan.
“Hell, maybe he doesn’t talk about it anymore because he’s gotten spoiled, too, you ever think of that?” Dan grins. “He seems pretty damn comfortable walking around your place and inviting his friends over for barbecues, and drinking the fancy wines and whatever. Maybe he doesn’t bug you about it because he doesn’t figure he’s got the right!”
Evan grins a little, and then sounds like he’s trying to stick up for Jeff. “He’s really careful about paying his own way. I mean, anything necessary, he takes care of himself.”
“Yeah, but he’s happy to enjoy your luxuries, isn’t he?” Dan raises his hands. “I’m not saying I blame him either. You guys are together. You don’t mind sharing… great, why not? I don’t think it’s hurting anyone. But, lifestyle-wise—he’s a have, not a have-not.”
They’re at the food service table now, and there’s a pause as they load up on burgers and side dishes. They see the girls at a picnic table and start toward them, but before they arrive, Evan asks, “So how would it change your life? If you made ten million dollars?”
Dan grins a little at the idea, but then he stops walking and frowns as he thinks about it. “Shit,” he snorts. Evan looks at him in surprise, and Dan shakes his head before he starts speaking. “If I had ten million dollars, I’d ride eventers all day. I’d live in a nice house and keep the horses in a great facility, with private riding rings and a beautiful cross-country course. I’d hire fun, talented people to work with… hell, I’d even have a hyper teenage barn rat running around to keep things interesting.” He looks at Evan a little sheepishly. “I dunno, man, maybe I was wrong. If I made ten million dollars right now, I’d probably just put it in the bank.”
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 59
