The See-Through Leopard

by Sibel Hodge

  We got into the dusty green Land Rover that Richard had left for us to use and headed towards the lodge. In the middle of this primitive bush, it was strange to see what looked like a luxury resort, perfectly blending into the countryside with its quaint wooden huts.

  Parking next to another couple of Land Rovers with Kilingi Game Reserve written on the side, we walked into the A-frame reception building that had a thatched roof. Two ceiling fans whirring above us created a welcome breeze.

  A short woman with long grey hair in a plait tapped away on a laptop on the reception desk. She had a pen tucked behind her ear and a frown of concentration on her face. And the weirdest thing was she had a baby baboon wrapped around her. The baboon’s arms and legs were clinging on to her, and it was watching everything she did with huge, inquisitive eyes. The woman looked up when she heard us approach and broke into a big smile.

  ‘Nathan, you’re here!’ She smiled and made her way around the desk.

  I peeked from behind my long fringe, stealing a quick glance as she hugged Dad.

  ‘Good to see you, Jenna.’ Dad attempted to hug her back but the baboon was in the way. He laughed and stroked the baboon’s head. ‘This must be Bobo, who you’ve told me so much about.’

  She smiled and stroked Bobo on the back as the baboon stared inquisitively at me. ‘The one and only.’ She turned her attention to me.

  I dropped my gaze to the floor.

  ‘I’m Richard’s wife, Jenna. You must be Jazz,’ she said.

  Before I knew what was happening she crushed me in a big hug, complete with baboon.

  ‘Lovely to meet you.’ She released me just as quickly and nodded down to the baboon. ‘Bobo was found abandoned by some farmers a few months ago, so we’ve been looking after her until she gets old enough to be released onto the reserve.’

  I stole a glance at Dad as my eyes widened. This was crazy. Jenna had a pet baboon? What about germs?

  Bobo reached out her hand and touched my face, staring with huge eyes that looked spookily human.

  I shrank away from her.

  ‘Oh, that’s just her way of saying hi,’ Jenna gushed. ‘She likes you!’ She took Bobo’s hand and put it back round her neck. ‘Let’s go and find Richard and we can show you around. It’s changed quite a lot since you were here, Nathan. And I’m sure Jazz would love to see her new home.’

  Yeah, I’d just love it. Not.

  She headed out through some double doors at the back of the building and we found ourselves in an oasis of lush garden overlooking a kidney-shaped swimming pool that had been made to look like a lagoon with rocks dotted around it and a waterfall at one end. Empty sunbeds with thick cushions were arranged on the terrace.

  ‘All the guests are out on game drives or walking safaris at the moment, so it’s pretty quiet.’ Jenna led us past an open wooden building with a large roof. ‘This is the outside bar area. There’s an inside bar for the winter months when it can get a bit chilly out here. Ah, there you are, Richard.’

  Richard stood behind the bar, chatting with a tall black man in a black and blue uniform. I hung back by the doorway, not wanting to attract any attention to myself.

  ‘All settled in?’ Richard asked Dad.

  ‘Getting there.’ Dad grinned. ‘It’s strange, it feels like I’ve never been away.’

  Jenna made her way over to me with a look of concern on her face as she stroked Bobo. ‘Are you OK, Jazz?’

  I mumbled a reply and nodded.

  ‘I bet you want to see your veterinary office, don’t you?’ Richard asked Dad.

  His eyes lit up. ‘Lead the way!’

  I followed them to yet another wooden building behind the lodge. Richard pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, handing the key to Dad. Inside there was a large stainless steel table in the middle of the room with a moveable light above it, glass-fronted cupboards full of drugs, reference books on a shelf, and a desk to one corner.

  Dad peered around with a smile of approval.

  ‘Do you know much about game reserves?’ Jenna asked me.

  I shook my head.

  ‘We’re a Big Five reserve,’ she said proudly. ‘Which means you can find lion, leopard, rhino, buffalo, and elephant here. Your Dad will be responsible for treating any injured animals on the reserve, and sometimes the local livestock. He’ll be collecting blood samples to monitor any spread of diseases, doing vaccinations, and helping us with relocated animals. We’re interested in setting up breeding programmes for rare species, too, so he’ll be heading up that side of things.’ She reached out and touched Dad’s arms. ‘Oh, it’s so good to have you back.’

  ‘I think there will be plenty to keep you busy.’ Richard clapped Dad on the back. ‘We’ve got a lot more animals than we had when you were last here.’

  ‘The reserve is pretty self-sufficient,’ Jenna went on to me. ‘We’ve got a huge veggie garden and livestock area. Even Internet, when the damn thing is working.’ She chuckled and shrugged. ‘Well, this is Africa.’

  At least that’s something.

  ‘You’ll be able to email Aunt Katrina and tell her how you’re getting on out here. She’d like that.’ Dad smiled at me.

  I didn’t return the smile. Why would I want to email her about this place? I didn’t even want to be here.

  ‘Why don’t we leave the men here and I’ll show you one of the guest rooms so you can see where you’ll be working.’ Jenna patted my arm and disappeared out the door as Bobo looked at me over her shoulder.

  I gave Dad a pleading look. Please, I’m not ready for all this.

  He shook his head softly.

  I sighed inwardly and followed in Jenna’s footsteps.

  As we walked along a stone path back towards the guest rooms on the other side of the lodge a huge party of people came walking towards us.

  I bent my head and stared at the sand-coloured stone path.

  ‘Afternoon!’ Jenna called out to them. ‘How was the safari? What did you see?’

  I heard people saying how amazing it was. How they saw cheetahs and rhinos and one of them even caught sight of a leopard.

  Whoopy do!

  Standing behind Jenna, I stared at their feet. I could feel a familiar flush creeping up my neck to my face as I felt their eyes on me. I could tell what they’d be thinking. Ugly, scarface, freak.

  Jenna seemed to chatter on to them for ages while I shuffled from foot to foot, until they finally made their way back to their rooms for a shower or to settle around the pool.

  ‘Let’s look at one of the treetop suites. They’re my favourite.’ Jenna headed towards a large wooden structure that was built into one of the trees. It had the same style of wicker thatched roof, a balcony with rustic wooden furniture, and large windows.

  Unlocking the door, we entered a lounge with sumptuous cream sofas that looked as soft as marshmallows. There was a mixture of wooden and wicker furniture, along with various African tribal-looking pieces around the room. The balcony had a bird’s-eye view over the vast savannah.

  ‘We’ve had all sorts of film stars and famous people stay here over the years,’ she said with a hint of pride as I followed her into the bedroom. ‘Well, what do you think?’

  ‘It’s lovely,’ I muttered. And it was. There was a sunken bath that you could sit in and gaze through the windows, and a shower and toilet with expensive-looking chrome fittings. It was luxurious, and a complete surprise to have such comfort and decadence out here. In another lifetime, maybe I’d have liked to come here on holiday.

  ‘We’ll go and eat dinner in the kitchen in a minute. I bet you’re starving, aren’t you? All the staff try and eat before the guests have their evening meal. Tomorrow you and your dad can go for a safari with Richard to familiarise yourself with some of the area. We’ve got sixty-four square miles of land, so it will take a lot of getting used to,’ she babbled on. ‘Then the next day you can start work here. You’ll be changing the sheets and towels, cleaning the rooms, and ma
king sure the guests have everything they need. How does that sound?’

  It sounded like my worst nightmare.

  ‘Fathiya, our head chambermaid, will show you the ropes for a while so you won’t be thrown in at the deep end.’

  I felt the weight of Jenna’s gaze on me as I stared at the huge, perfectly made up bed, wondering how I was going to put the sheets on with such military precision. I could tell she expected me to reply, but I was pretty sure she wouldn’t like to hear what I wanted to say.

  Silence filled the room until she broke it with a chirpy, ‘Let’s get the others and see what’s for dinner.’

  The large kitchen was hidden from the guest areas, and as we all walked in a mixture of cooking aromas greeted us. My stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten since nibbling on half a slice of toast before we’d left home that morning. Food didn’t interest me these days.

  A short black man with a huge grin on his face stood in the kitchen, lifting the lids of some boiling pans and checking the contents.

  ‘This is Chef.’ Jenna nodded towards him. ‘His real name’s Abena, but he likes to be called Chef.’

  Chef turned round, all smile and teeth. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  I stared at my feet, not knowing where to look.

  ‘It smells delicious, Chef,’ Dad said.

  Luckily, I was relieved from being scrutinised by Chef when the sound of a pot boiling over made him turn back to the industrial-sized cooker in a flash.

  At one end of the room there was a long table with benches either side. Several men were already seated, dressed in khaki shirts and shorts identical to Richard’s, eating and chatting.

  My hands shook slightly and I felt my stomach lurch. Even though my shoulders were stooped and I stared at a large platter of what looked like some kind of barbequed birds on the stainless steel kitchen worktops, I knew they’d all be looking at me.

  ‘Take a seat, you two,’ Richard said to us. ‘Let me introduce you to everyone.’

  I stared at the salt and pepper mill on the table while Richard rattled off names that I would never remember, and saying whether the men were game rangers, trackers, or part of their anti-poaching patrols.

  Jenna peeled Bobo’s hands and feet off her and settled her on a chair. Bobo leaned over to me with her arms out, expecting to be picked up.

  I shrank back and sat next to Dad on the very end of the table. He reached for my hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

  Jenna carried the platter to the table. ‘This is guinea fowl,’ she said to me, then turned to the others. ‘Come on, tuck in while it’s hot!’

  Dad reached past me and held hands with Bobo. ‘Hello, little one.’

  Bobo’s eyes lit up and she clutched Dad’s fingers, examining each one slowly before looking up at him with a quizzical expression.

  Jenna sat down opposite me and offered me the platter as Bobo climbed round her neck again and rested her head on Jenna’s shoulder. ‘It’s just like having a baby all over again.’ She smiled affectionately at Bobo. ‘Zach always wanted to hang onto my neck everywhere I went, too.’

  Tentatively, I put some of the meat on my plate and turned my attention to picking at it, hunching over and letting my hair fall over my face.

  ‘Zach must be, what, eighteen now?’ Dad said to Jenna.

  She nodded proudly. ‘He’s just like his father.’ She winked at Richard.

  ‘What, grey and fat?’ Richard chuckled.

  She tutted. ‘No, always getting into mischief with the animals. He’ll be here soon, he’s just out leading a walking safari.’

  Halfway through the meal, Jenna jumped up from the table to greet a guy who’d just come in. I stole a look at him out of the corner of my eye. He wore the same khaki uniform as the others. With short dark hair that was almost black, a deep tan that comes from working out in the sun every day, and broad shoulders, he was the type of guy that my friends and I would’ve swooned over if we’d seen him in a magazine. Back when I’d had friends, of course.

  ‘Zach!’ Jenna hugged him.

  ‘Hey, Mum.’ He grinned at her.

  ‘Come and meet Jazz and Nathan.’ She grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the table.

  I shrank down further on the seat and tried to swallow a morsel of guinea fowl, but it was like my throat had suddenly constricted and it got stuck. I reached for my glass of water, not daring to look up at it for fear I’d see him staring at my scars with horror, but I misjudged where the glass was and knocked it over, spilling the contents on the platter and the table.

  As the water ran towards me, I instinctively leaped up from my seat and swore inwardly. Not only had I ruined their dinner, but I’d now drawn unwanted attention in my direction.

  I let out a cry of embarrassment and rushed towards the door, but as I passed Zach my gaze unwittingly caught his piercing topaz-coloured eyes, and I saw exactly what I was expecting in them: shock, disbelief, and pure disgust.

  Chapter 4

  The hot air hit me as I stumbled outside, tears blurring my vision. I didn’t know where I was going; I just wanted to get away from all of them. I felt a pull on my arm and turned to see Dad, clutching me. ‘Don’t you remember what Richard said? Don’t go off on your own. It could be dangerous.’

  ‘Who cares?’ I yelled at him. ‘I’d be better off dead, anyway. Then you can go and look after your precious animals and it’ll save you the embarrassment of having a freak as a daughter!’ As the words tumbled out of my mouth I knew it was unfair, but I couldn’t help it. No one could really understand. He’d done everything he could think of to try and make me feel better about myself, but I knew he’d never change how I felt. And on top of that, I knew he was still grieving for Mum, too. Sometimes I’d catch him staring at their wedding picture with so much regret and sadness it made my insides twist with pain.

  He rested his hands on my shoulders and took hold of my chin, tilting it up to meet his face. Even though Dad and Katrina were the only people I could hold eye contact with these days, I still didn’t like what I saw reflected in his eyes.

  ‘You can’t change the past, Jazz.’

  I blinked and looked away, not wanting to hear it again. How I needed to move on. How I needed to get over everything and live again. Blah, blah, blah. It was just rubbish.

  He exhaled a deep breath. ‘Come on. It’s been a long day. Why don’t we head for bed? Everything will look brighter in the morning.’

  I followed him to the Land Rover, wondering if he really believed that.

  After the short drive back I had a shower, turning the tap to the coldest setting, but the water was still warm. I slid under the sheets, flicked off the light and listened to the sounds of the African plains. It seemed to be even noisier out here at night than during the day. Crickets, frogs, cicadas, the barking of some kind of animal, the roar of what I thought were lions, and the hysterical shrieking of hyenas. It was a million miles away from the odd bird song and traffic noise in Wiltshire.

  I tossed and turned, trying to drown out the noise and find a cool spot on the bed. Even the ceiling fan didn’t seem to be helping much. It was early in the morning before I fell into a restless sleep, but even then I was tormented with a recurring dream I’d had ever since the car crash. Mum and I were travelling in a car down a long country lane, except Mum wasn’t driving, I was. As we rounded a blind corner, Mum was suddenly not in the passenger seat anymore but standing in the middle of the road in her nightie, waving frantically at me. I tried to hit the brakes, but I hit the accelerator instead and ploughed straight into her. The car veered off the road and landed in a lake, and as the vehicle started sinking, I banged on the doors and windscreen, trying to get out, but nothing would budge. Then I’d see Mum in the water in front of me, her long blonde hair floating upwards like tentacles as she tried to tell me something. Her lips were moving but nothing was coming out.

  I woke up in a cold sweat at five a.m., sitting bolt upright in bed. Every time I had the dream it was so viv
id it took me a while to realise it wasn’t real when I came out of it.

  I listened to the daytime sounds as my breathing calmed down again. The call of birds, an elephant trumpeting in the distance, the distant rumble of a Land Rover going out on an early morning game drive.

  Richard and Jenna had stocked the fridge and cupboards with some essentials and I made a cup of tea, sitting on the veranda as the sun began to rise over the plains with a sweeping orange glow.

  In a distant tree I saw the shape of a big cat, a leopard, I presumed, draped in the branches. There was nothing to stop it climbing down and rushing over to attack me. I remembered the lions bellowing last night and Richard’s warning not to go into the bush alone. This place was dangerous. How could Dad bring me here? Would I be confined to the house and the lodge for the next year? Even though I’d made my house my prison in England, this would be far worse.

  Despite the danger here, though, I was surprised to find that I wasn’t scared. Maybe it was because it felt like this wasn’t really happening. It seemed like I was just a spectator in my life. I was going through the motions, but I didn’t feel like I was really here. Or maybe it was because there were far scarier things going on inside my head than out there. Nothing could be as bad as that.

  ‘Jazz?’ Dad called out an hour later with a worried tone.

  ‘I’m out here.’

  He opened the fly screen and his face relaxed with relief. ‘I wondered where you were. Did you sleep OK?’ He ran a hand through his rumpled hair.

  ‘Not really. It’s too noisy.’ I didn’t mention the dream. What was the point?

  He ruffled my hair. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.’ He sat down on the chair next to me. It creaked under his weight. Taking a deep breath of fresh air, he stared out across the wooden railings, the wrinkles around his eyes softening with an expression I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was mixture of joy and relaxation. He looked like he’d just come home from a long, tiring journey.

  A knife of guilt sliced through my chest. I was responsible for his unhappiness. I had to try harder to be nicer to him. I had to be a better daughter.