The See-Through Leopard

by Sibel Hodge

  ‘Do you want to eat breakfast here or up at the lodge’s kitchen before we go out on the game drive?’ he said.

  ‘Here, please.’ I managed to raise a slight smile and he seemed pleased.

  ‘You’re going to love it here. I can feel it.’ He stood up, stretched his arms over his head and said, ‘Are scrambled eggs OK? There’s some bread, too, if you want to rustle up some toast.’

  Even though the thought of eating didn’t appeal to me, I said, ‘Eggs on toast sounds good.’

  After breakfast I dressed in shorts and a T-shirt and rummaged around in my suitcases until I found a large sunhat with a wide brim that flopped over my face. I pulled it down low over my eyes and put on some big sunglasses. If I was lucky, no one would be able to see my face.

  On the drive back to the lodge I relived in my mind what had happened last night in the kitchen. I didn’t want to see Zach and the others again. As well as thinking I was abnormal, they probably thought I was crazy, too, and who wanted someone like that around?

  The eggs churned in my stomach at the thought.

  We entered the lodge’s reception but there was no one around, so we made our way through to the garden and the pool area. Two pretty girls about eighteen years old were busy rubbing sun cream into their perfectly bronzed skin and laughing about something. One of them looked over at us and stared. From behind the safety of my sunglasses and hat I stared back at her. She had blonde straight hair like mine that hung down to her waist, but that was where the similarity ended. She had huge dark brown eyes, golden-tanned flawless skin, and a gym-toned figure. She was beautiful, and I felt a wave of jealousy wash over me.

  She carried on blatantly staring and I lowered my head.

  As Richard’s voice called out to Dad from the bar area, I heard the girl say to her friend, ‘Did you see that girl’s face? Omigod, how could they leave her looking like that?’

  Maybe my hat didn’t cover as much of me as I’d hoped. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and shuffled close behind Dad.

  Richard picked up a cool box and gave us a warm smile. ‘Ready to go and see the reserve?’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Dad rubbed his hands together.

  We headed off from the lodge in one of the Land Rovers, and I felt the wind whipping against my face, but it did little to relieve the heat pouring in through the open windows. The backs of my legs were dripping with sweat on the plastic seats before we’d even gone a mile. It felt like I’d been plunged into a bowl of boiling hot soup.

  ‘Help yourselves to cold drinks in the cool box,’ Richard shouted as we drove along a game path through a thicket of bushes and trees. ‘Chef’s packed us some sandwiches and fruit for lunch. We’ll stop under some shade when it gets too hot and have a picnic.’

  What, you mean it’s going to get even hotter than this?

  We drove past a herd of impala grazing on the short grasses, their rich red fur shimmering in the sun. They glanced up, seemingly undisturbed by our presence. Further on we saw some zebra and stopped to watch them for a while as they flicked their tails at the flies.

  Miles later, we drove past a large watering hole and saw a crocodile, lazily basking on the banks, slyly watching a couple of small gazelles who had stopped for a much needed drink. Birds rested on top of their backs, pecking at the flies on their skin.

  ‘Look, a cheetah!’ Dad called out, pointing underneath a tree where the animal was lying down in a shady patch, licking its tail.

  The cheetah got to its paws, stretched out its front legs and yawned, padding away with its tail swishing.

  By lunchtime we hadn’t even covered a quarter of the reserve, Richard told us as he drew the Land Rover to a stop beneath a large baobab tree. Dad grabbed the cool box and Richard set up some camp chairs under the shade of the branches.

  ‘Ham salad or cheese and tomato?’ Richard asked me, pulling out packets of sandwiches wrapped in greaseproof paper. ‘Or maybe both? I think you need fattening up a bit. You’re all skin and bones.’ He smiled.

  ‘Cheese, please.’ I held out my hand and plonked myself down, grateful for the distraction of unwrapping the sandwich.

  ‘There’s a big lion pride in this area,’ Richard said, sitting next to Dad. ‘If we’re lucky, we’ll get to see them.’

  ‘Have you had many problems with poachers here?’ Dad asked.

  ‘A little. Not as much as other places. We have six anti-poaching teams that patrol the reserve, but we need more. Trying to keep an eye on sixty-four square miles of land is a nightmare, especially at night.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘We’ve lost some animals. The tribe in the settlement further up say that some of the leopards and lions kill their goats and cattle, which is how they justify it, but, it’s a load of rubbish.’ He waved a hand through the air as if swatting a fly. ‘Unless the fences are compromised, the animals can’t get out, and we’ve never tracked any of the big cats near their settlement. Some of the locals are after buffalo, impala, and warthogs for food.’ He took a bite of his sandwich, chewed and swallowed, then sat forward and carried on. ‘Then there are the poachers who aren’t local. They come for miles to get a leopard skin, or rhino horn, or ivory. They work for the big boys, the international animal traffickers. Some of the animal products are worth more than gold.’ He shook his head angrily. ‘A kilo of rhino horn is worth around fifty thousand dollars in China or Vietnam. They’re even using leopard and lion bones in Chinese medicine now as a substitute for tigers because they’ve already wiped most of them out.’ He pointed his fingers around the bush. ‘We’ve lost three leopards in the last year to poachers, one rhino, two elephants, three lions, and one cheetah.’ He shook his head solemnly. ‘It’s getting worse, Nathan.’

  I drowned out their technical conversation and chewed on the sandwich, just for something to do.

  When we finished lunch, we loaded everything back into the Land Rover and took off again. A couple of miles later, we spotted the lions. A huge male with a fluffy mane lay on his back under a bush, all four paws in the air. His belly was bloated with food. Six lionesses lay in various positions, eyes closed but ears twitching. One of them opened its eyes, raised its head and stared at us, then, seeing we weren’t posing any danger, rested its head on its front paws and slid its eyelids shut. After ten minutes of sitting there watching them do not very much I grew restless in the sweaty seat.

  ‘They’re mostly active at night,’ Dad said. ‘They sleep most of the day away.’

  I don’t blame them.

  ‘We’ve got a bull rhino around here we call Jimiyu,’ Richard told Dad. ‘I can see his tracks.’ He pointed to some indents in the dusty ground. ‘Let’s see if we can follow him.’

  A long and boring four hours later, we’d travelled through thick thorny scrub, shrubs, animal tracks, dirt roads, and woodlands, and seen lots of animals that Dad and Richard seemed pretty excited about. When we finally pulled up back at the game reserve I was ready for a cold shower. Make that two. Except, oh, yeah, there was no cold water.

  ‘So, did you enjoy your first day here?’ Dad draped an arm around me as we walked up the veranda steps after Richard dropped us off.

  ‘Yes,’ I lied.

  One day down, three hundred and sixty-four more to go.

  Chapter 5

  I had another sleepless night, worrying about what the next day would bring working at the lodge. I was perfectly capable of cleaning my own bedroom and tidying up the house, since Mum always thought it taught me some ‘responsibility.’ But I didn’t have a clue how to make a bed properly with all four corners tucked in to within a centimetre of their life. And on top of that, even though Richard and Jenna had been nice and friendly, I knew there were plenty of other people who wouldn’t be. That girl by the pool, for starters. And what about Zach?

  I shivered at the thought. There was just no getting away from the fact that people hated others who looked different to them. In the same way that people rubberneck at car accidents, they do it to people who
look strange, too.

  I dressed in the uniform that Jenna had sent over. A black skirt and blue short-sleeved blouse, black ballet-style shoes. I wanted to tie my hair up away from my face to try and cool my neck down but there was no chance of that. It would stay down, hiding as much as was possible.

  I refused breakfast when Dad offered. There was no way I was going to keep anything down. And with shaking hands, I got into the Land Rover with Dad and we drove to the lodge.

  ‘Morning!’ Jenna called out cheerily from behind the reception desk. Bobo looked up and I swear I saw a smile on her face. ‘I hope you enjoyed your tour yesterday,’ Jenna went on. ‘Now the real work begins. Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of Jazz.’ She glanced at Dad. ‘Have a great first day.’

  He grinned back, itching with excitement to pick up some medical supplies and head off with Richard to the other side of the reserve, where they’d had a report from one of the rangers about an injured gazelle.

  ‘Good luck, Jazz.’ He gave me a thumbs-up before heading off.

  Jenna led me past the guests eating breakfast in the dining room. Their relaxed conversation and tinkling laughter carried through the hot air. I kept my head firmly down, concentrating on the path in front of me, not wanting to bump into those two girls again.

  ‘Fathiya is in the store room sorting out the laundry for the guest rooms,’ Jenna said, hurrying towards the back of the main lodge building. She led the way into a large storeroom, packed with sheets, towels, cleaning supplies, and complimentary bottles of toiletries.

  A short, very round black woman leaned over the lowest shelf with her back to us, scooping up armfuls of sheets.

  ‘Morning, Fathiya!’ Jenna sing-songed.

  ‘Morning, Miss Jenna.’ She turned around and gave her a toothy smile.

  Fathiya was probably in her fifties with hair so short it was almost shaved. Her gaze moved from Jenna’s face to mine and the smile dropped. She put the sheets onto a nearby trolley loaded high with bedding and cupped either side of my face in her hands with a strong grip, lifting my head up to the light. Then she started chuckling. A sound which was like a big, booming, ‘Hunh, hunh, hunh.’

  ‘Child, you look like a long lost African girl,’ she said.

  I tried to pull away but her grip was too strong.

  I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about as she peered intensely into my eyes. How could I be an African girl? I was as white as an iceberg.

  ‘You sure you’re not from the Kikuyu tribe?’ She cackled. ‘Hunh, hunh, hunh.’

  Luckily, she released her grip then and I pulled away, hot with embarrassment, moving out of grabbing distance.

  ‘Now, Fathiya, don’t frighten the poor girl,’ Jenna scolded her gently, realising that it was very uncomfortable for me.

  Jenna gave Fathiya a look, as if to say, I’ve warned you, she doesn’t like attention.

  Fathiya threw her head back and laughed again, waving a dismissive hand through the air. ‘Jazz is just fine, aren’t you, child?’

  I didn’t utter a word. I was far from fine. No one had ever blatantly just grabbed me and stared at my face before. I felt nauseous, and I didn’t know how I was going to get through an hour of working with her, let alone a whole day.

  ‘Show her what she needs to do, Fathiya, and I’ll catch up with you both later on.’

  ‘We’ll be fine, Miss Jenna.’

  Jenna nodded at us and disappeared, and I was left standing there uncomfortably, wishing I’d never set foot in this horrible country.

  ‘Follow me, Jazz.’ Fathiya gave me another toothy smile and pushed the trolley out of the door. ‘Miss Jenna and Mr Richard are lovely to work for. They are good people. There aren’t many jobs around this area, but the game reserve pays us enough to feed our family. You make sure you do a good job for them.’ She nodded.

  The first bedroom we went into was pretty tidy. Fathiya chatted incessantly, telling me about her family of five children and the settlement she lived in as she supervised me tidying, dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the en suite bathroom. Luckily, she didn’t ask me anything about myself and was happy just to talk.

  ‘Do you know how to make a bed properly?’ she asked, bringing in sheets from the trolley positioned outside the door after we’d stripped the bed.

  I shook my head.

  ‘Hunh, hunh, hunh. It’s easy. We want the guests to think they’re sleeping on a cloud!’ She grabbed a sheet by two corners, and with a practiced flick of her wrists, she threw the ends over the bed. It landed almost perfectly.

  I watched her work the corners over the bed so it was smooth and flat. ‘Your turn.’ She nodded encouragingly to my side of the bed, but however hard I tried, I just couldn’t get the same result. My fringe stuck to my forehead with sweat, and I could feel my shirt clinging to my back as I tugged and tucked, pulled it out and redid it numerous times. I could feel the frustration and anger simmering up to the surface.

  This is ridiculous! What am I doing here? I’m never going to get the hang of this, and I don’t even want to.

  ‘Here, like this.’ She came round to my side and patiently showed me again.

  Defeated, I let her finish it, and she gave one last satisfied glance round the room before we left.

  The next room looked like a bomb had gone off. There was a suitcase on the floor and designer clothes strewn around every available surface. Makeup and toiletries lined the bathroom shelf haphazardly, and the bedclothes were hanging on the floor, but Fathiya didn’t bat an eyelid. Maybe she’d seen worse.

  Fathiya decided she would clean the bathroom and asked me to try making the bed on my own. As I was tugging and pulling the sheets on the bed again, the door opened.

  My head instinctively swung round to the door and I found myself looking at the blonde-haired girl from the pool.

  ‘Oh!’ Her eyes widened and her forehead wrinkled in a frown of distaste as she stared at me.

  I quickly bent my head and busied myself attacking the sheet while her dark-haired friend walked in.

  ‘I hope you don’t think I’m sleeping on that!’ The blonde-haired girl scowled, pointing to the bed where the sheets were ruffled and wonky, and looking like a complete mess.

  My hands shook as I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and carried on attempting to put the top sheet on, but however hard I tried I just couldn’t get it straight.

  ‘Hello?’ she sneered. ‘Are you deaf as well?’

  ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. ‘I’m trying to fix it.’

  ‘Urgh! And now you’re sweating all over the sheets. It’s disgusting.’ She stalked up to me and said, ‘Get out of here. I don’t want you in my room. I might catch something.’

  Hearing all the commotion, Fathiya came out of the bathroom. ‘Is everything all right, miss?’ she asked the girl as her dark-haired friend gave me a haughty stare.

  The blonde girl stood, one hand on her hip, one hand pointing at me, glaring in my direction. ‘No, it most certainly is not all right. Wait until Daddy hears about this. He won’t be very happy to have this…this weirdo touching my things!’

  Everything just seemed to snap in me then. I could feel a tsunami of energy exploding its way to the surface. The accident. Mum. My injuries. Being in Africa. Being made fun of all the time. The injustice of it all. It was just too much.

  I heard a groaning sound, like the cry from a wounded animal, and I realised it was coming from me. I flung the pillow I was holding onto the bed with such force it bounced onto the floor and I ran out of the room.

  Storming up the path, head down, I felt angry hot tears running down my cheeks. I intended to walk back to our quarters but a pair of legs blocked my path.

  I heard Zach’s voice say, ‘Hey, what’s the rush?’ I felt his hands on my shoulders. ‘Are you OK?’

  My shoulders crumpled and I let the sobs overtake me. ‘I…I…’ But I couldn’t get the words out.

  How could he possibly understand
the depths of pain and loneliness in my world? I bet everything was just rosy in his life. I pushed past him and ran up the path and around the back of the lodge towards our house.

  When I got there, I didn’t know what to do. I paced the veranda, willing myself to calm down. I couldn’t do this job. It was too soon to be around all these people. I just wanted to go back home and hibernate for the rest of my life. Pull the covers over my head and never get out of bed again.

  I took a deep breath and sniffed, wiping away the tears. It was hopeless. Everything was hopeless.

  I ran out of the house, forgetting the warnings of Richard and Dad not to go out into the bush on my own. The wind whistled in my ears as I sprinted towards a tall outcrop of rocks that I’d seen when we went for our drive the day before. In my old life, I’d spent hours at the local leisure centre’s climbing wall and later joined a climbing club, travelling all over the country in pursuit of the next great rocks to master. It always seemed to clear my head. It gave me a sense of strength and freedom. That’s what I needed now, freedom.

  I was out of breath when I arrived, but that didn’t stop me. I took my first foothold on the grey rocks and began my climb, a smooth rhythm of fingers and toes working over the crevices and cracks. I’d stopped climbing after the accident, but now it was like I’d never been away from it. My mind emptied of thoughts. All I could hear was my breath. In. Out. In. Out. My own personal meditation space. When I reached the top my arms were shaking from being out of practice. I sat on top of the rocks and stared out at the horizon.

  What the hell was I going to do? I knew Dad thought he was helping me by bringing me here, but it wasn’t working. It had just made things so much worse.

  ‘Mum, what am I going to do?’ I cried out in despair. ‘Please help me.’

  I sat there, knees bent close to my chest with my head resting on them, for a long time, worrying what Dad was going to say. I didn’t want to spoil things for him, but I just couldn’t cope with this.