The song ended, and I see Brielle talking to the DJ as she is staring right at me. Another song starts playing, and I push Felicity off me. The words out of Brielle’s mouth stop me dead.
“Colby, she just had your dick in her mouth don’t throw her off you like you can’t stand to be around her.” She continues with, “Oh, and this song is dedicated to you.” She starts singing “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguillera and Blake Shelton. I knew my chance with her was over. She would never believe anything I ever said again. I didn’t know what to do. I listened to her pour all her hurt and pain in those lyrics, and she never looked away from me. The tears ran down her face. She never tried to wipe them. She was showing me that I destroyed her love for me, I ripped her heart out and left her soul empty. I knew how she felt because I was feeling that and more at this moment.
I went to walk towards her when the song ended, but she jumped down and ran towards the back door. I tried to follow. I was stopped by Cooper Reed and his wife.
Melanie looked at Cooper, “Go get her. She can’t drive.” She turned to me, “Not another step, dickhead.” Then she really looked at me and said, “I know you love her. I can feel it. Right now is not the time. I will try and talk to her.” She turned around and followed them out of the door.
At that moment I know I will do whatever I have to. I need Brielle to breath. I need her to live. Mostly I need her to love. She is it for me.
I go home and wait to hear from Melanie and hope like hell I can fix this.
Chapter 33
Brielle
I can’t fucking breathe. I can’t get enough oxygen in, and I feel like I am going to die. All I can see is her on her knees in front of him. All I can feel is his arms when he held me. For once he made me believe I was enough, then he threw that feeling in my face. I feel arms grab me from behind, and I know I must be acting like a damn caged animal but I have to get out of here. Of course, the one night I decide to get wasted and can’t drive.
“I have you. C’mon let’s get you to the car,” Coop says from behind me. I fall back into him. I just want everything to stop hurting. He ripped out my heart so, how in the hell can I still hurt? Damn him, and his love. It was all a sick joke. Coop puts me in the car, and Melanie jumps in right after him. “We are dropping you off, and then Brielle and I are going to talk.” I want to object, but I don’t. Cooper does.
“Mel, are you serious right now?”
“Yes. You can’t see her as a woman in love. I can. You want to protect her just like you do me. That is great, most times. But right now she needs to talk to someone with a clear head that understands . . . remember Cooper; you weren’t always the right pick for me. Look how we turned out. Now husband, take your fine ass home, and we are going for coffee and conversation.”
Just like that Cooper does what she says. I know she means well, but I am drained. I know I probably need to get it all in the open, but I don’t want to.
As we pull into the coffee shop, I just stare ahead. “Stop this weak bullshit, Brielle, and get out of the car.” I just stare at her, and she smiles sweetly. I open my door and slam it hard. “Dramatic much?”
“Fuck off, Melanie, this wasn’t my idea remember?”
She laughs at me. She knows the Brielle technique of ‘dodging emotion’ so well, it doesn’t even faze her. We order coffee and pancakes. We are engaging in our own game of who cannot talk first.
Finally, I sigh. “Out with the psychobabble, Mel.”
“Nope. First, tell me your honest to God feelings. No holding back.”
So I do. “I love him, and I hate him right now. I love him more, though. I cannot get that scene from tonight out of my head. Then the scenes of our past play along with it. It wasn’t enough that he tossed me aside and didn’t love me when I needed him. Now he tarnishes all my memories. I am so mad at him, Mel. And I don’t know if I have that right. Yes, I wasn’t perfect, but damn it I gave it my all.” I realize that saying all that felt good.
“First, you know I love you and will always have your back. Did you give it your all? I don’t think so. Did you ever tell him you loved him? No you didn’t. What he did tonight takes the asshole of the year award. He is hurting, too, Brielle. How he reacts to situations needs some serious work, but don’t you think never telling him you loved him created doubt and worry in his mind? From what you told us he never let you down until that day. Yes, what he did and said was ruthless and wrong. I think it came from fear and pain more than hate. And tonight, I can’t explain that away, but I do know he thought something was up with you and Coop. I watched him from the second he walked into that bar. I saw the emotions on his face all night, and each situation he misunderstood broke my heart. You are breaking my heart too, because I know you love him. I can’t tell you how to get past what he has done.” I just sit and think for a moment.
“Melanie, if he loves me so much why didn’t he reach out to me?”
“Why didn’t you reach out to him?” Right then I understand. We were both sad and afraid of the same things, but he took it to a whole new level tonight.
“I stopped him from coming after you. Don’t you think you should talk to him and get closure?”
I know what I need to do. I will tell everyone tonight what my plans will be. I send a text to him, ‘Meet me tomorrow at eleven at the house. We need closure.’
I tell Melanie, “I am ready to go home now.” She just nods. No matter what happens, this won’t be easy on me.
Chapter 34
Colby
The waiting was killing me. I was about to go over to Brielle’s house and beg for forgiveness. I was desperate. I knew she was hurting because of me. When the familiar ring tone came through my phone, I almost dropped it. It had been too long since I had heard it. I had tears just remembering how happy it used to make me. I slide open my phone and receive the text I had prayed for. Even though she said we needed ‘closure’ I was going to do everything in my power to not ever let us end. There could be no closure, because I could not live without her.
After pacing the floor for hours and trying to figure out what I could do or say, I knew she would respond to music. That was always my go-to with her in rough situations. She didn’t always listen or say words like most people, but music always spoke to her and for her. I wasn’t the musical genius she was, so I sat down at my computer. Google and I became best friends. I could find something that reminded me of her in every song I heard. I think I finally had it. This had to work. There was no other option for me.
I decided I would get up early and go to the pet store. I would get the puppy all kinds of new things. All the extra ammunition I had against her would only help me . . . I hope. I don’t even know where to begin to apologize. How do I right the wrongs I created? I had to try. I would do whatever she asked of me. Nothing was too big or too small.
I was ready to woo the shit out of my girl. She would be my girl again. She was made for me . . . only me.
Chapter 35
Addison
I got no sleep last night. Brielle came home and dropped a bombshell on me. She has decided that since Thanksgiving was right around the corner and Cambree and Dustin had to go the parental units, she was leaving for a trip. She made me promise, no matter what, that I would always be there to chaperone since Brent was still around. After she talked to Colby and got closure, she was leaving. She wasn’t sure how long she would be gone. She didn’t even know where the hell she was going. I am so fucking tired of people running away.
I needed her right now. Although she was in no condition to help me we were both going through the same things. We were both losing our first and only love at the same time. While Tyler hadn’t pulled all the dick moves like Colby did, he was definitely hiding something from me. When I tried to confront him about the lab envelope I found, some DNA shit from Knoxville, he just blew me off. He used the excuse that he must have grabbed it from the trash to write something down. He must think I am an idiot.
He goes from super clingy to super moody. He is pissing me off. I feel like we are not even together anymore unless it is in the bedroom. No matter what, I don’t want to lose that boy.
I am trying to be understanding of Brielle’s needs. She didn’t have the easiest time falling in love. I pushed her every step of the way, and now she is heartbroken. I know Colby still loves her, but I don’t know if I should force her to listen to me or not. I know ultimately she needs to decide on her own, and since my big mouth told her a few months ago to find herself – she is. I need to let her fly. I know she will call every day, and we will all make plans to meet up. Soccer season just ended, and Cambree’s competition season doesn’t start for another six weeks, so we will all be able to be together wherever needed. She promised no matter what she would come home for Christmas and I guess I have to let her go, with no regrets.
Brielle talked to me first and told me she was going to talk to Colby and then leave. She was going to try and talk him into staying on at the gym and spending time with Dustin, too. Both kids had become so close with him during their relationship, and Brielle would move heaven and earth for those kids. I just hope to hell she knows what she is doing.
Chapter 36
Brielle
I decided before Colby got here that I needed to come out to the memorial site and try to clear my mind. I need to draw some strength from the two strongest people I knew. Telling Cambree and Dustin I am leaving was hard on me. They seemed okay with it because they are secure enough in their lives. They know I will talk to them daily and see them at least monthly. For that, I am so damn glad. I never want them to doubt their worth.
I don’t really have a game plan yet. I know I am going to Nashville to do some vocals and songwriting. I could do that from here, but I know getting away and letting go will help everyone involved. I need enough distance from Colby so he can move on and find somebody for him without having to worry about my crazy ass. After much discussion and thinking last night, I do believe Colby loved me. Maybe he didn’t love me in the way I need to be loved. He was perfect in my eyes. When he fell from that pedestal it hurt more than I thought possible. I have to get me together before I can be with anyone. He deserves someone to love and share his life with. I just hope he won’t abandon my whole family. Cambree and Dustin really love him.
I make my way over to the memorial and sit down. I really just think about how far my life has come and what else I need to accomplish.
I whisper to them, “Granddad and Grandmother . . . thank you for everything you did. You may not think it was anything, but to me it was everything. I am going away for a little while. I know neither one of you ever believed in running away from things, I would like to think I am not doing that but I know there is some truth in those words. I am more broken now than when you were here, and I have to fix it. Not just for me, but for Addison, Cambree and Dustin. You would be so proud of all of them. Hopefully you will be proud of me, soon. I am going to try real hard to put the past behind me and learn to let go. I know I don’t have to apologize to you for anything because you were my greatest supporters. I am sorry for not taking care of my baby. Please, watch over that angel and let him or her know that they would have had two parents that would have been honored to be called Mom and Dad. I love you and thank you for letting me know every day that I was enough. I don’t know how I could believe it from y’all, but I did each and every day.” I wipe me tears away from my eyes and start singing “Everybody Hurts” by Avril Lavigne. When I get up to leave I turn and see Colby.
Chapter 37
Colby
She takes my breath away. Her voice, her emotions, and her pain crush me. I can feel it swallowing me whole. I tried not to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help it. I want to go to her and fall to my knees, tell her I am sorry. I understand in this moment that she really is going to tell me goodbye. I don’t know if I can hear that from her. I deserve it I know I do. I have to fight for her. I need her to believe that she is my everything.
I walk over to her, and she gives me a small smile. I cannot bring myself to look away from her.
“Before we talk about anything, I have something I would like to show you.” As she turns to the memorials, I look over her shoulder and see that right next to her grandparents, she had a small one created with:
‘Baby Parker-James
You were loved and you were wanted
2013’
I can’t hold back the tears as I allow them to stream down my face. I look over to her and see she can’t stop them from flowing either.
I grab her and pull her to my chest. I can’t help it. “I am so sorry for every word I said that day. I did not mean any of it. I know it sounds so inadequate, but I don’t know any other words to use. We should have done this together. Grieved together, but because of my actions we couldn’t. I will never forgive myself, so I can’t even ask that of you. Please know this was all me, not you.”
She pulls away from me and looks up. “Colby Mason James, we all make mistakes. Some we can come back from and some we can’t. I know deep down you don’t believe I purposely put our child in harm’s way. God knows I have reacted without thinking. I am not going to say it doesn’t hurt, but what hurt worse was the silence that followed. It sealed our fate. Neither one of us reached out. I thought you didn’t care enough, and you were so unsure of my feelings because I never expressed them to you.”
Where is my girl? I want my feisty one back. This one is breaking my heart. I was never unsure what she felt. She may never have said the words, but she showed me with everything she had. I made her feel like she wasn’t enough. She always told me that, and I knew it wasn’t true. I confirmed her fears in my actions.
“Belle, nothing you did ever made me doubt you or your love. I fucked up. This is all on me. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I am begging you please don’t leave me. You are it for me. I know I would never recover from you.”
I can see her trying to get her breath. “Colby, you can’t fix me. I have to fix me. I know it isn’t all you. I have to say that after last night I cannot get that image out of my mind. It makes me physically ill.”
I know it is over. I try desperately to read any other emotion in her eyes, but they all tell me goodbye. “I listened to music all night last night, and only picked out one to play if you were telling me goodbye. Please, just one more dance, pretty girl?” She nods through her tears because she is having hard time breathing.
I pull out my phone and place it on the memorial and hit play. When Blake Shelton’s “Mine Would Be You” starts playing, I pull her as close as I can without cutting off her air supply. She is shaking in my arms from her sobs. I cannot do a damn thing about it. I don’t know how to say goodbye to her. I just know I can’t.
She clings to me, and I can feel her love. Why is she doing this? When the song ends and she steps away she takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes and cups my face with her hands. “Colby Mason James, from North Carolina, please always remember I could never regret you. I am leaving for a little bit, and I need to know you will be here for Cambree and Dustin. They love you.”
I can’t deny her anything, so I nod my head not trusting my voice. Here she is crying and in pain, but still putting others first. How can she doubt her worth?
“I am sorry,” she begins. “I am sorry to put you through this. I knew I would not be enough for you and tried to tell you over and over, but I hoped I could be. I love you. I always will, but I need you to turn around and walk away. This is goodbye.”
I stand there not moving, and she loses it. She can’t breathe she is crying so hard, and I try to pull her to me. She pushes me away. “Please go, Colby. This is too hard, and you need to leave.”
I don’t know how I found the strength to walk away, other than I knew I was hurting her by staying there. I got to the end of the dock before I turned around, and when I did she was sobbing over her grandparents’ and our angel’s memorial. I could hear her saying over and ov
er, “I am not enough.” I could not help myself then. I fell to my knees and sobbed like I had never before and just apologized to whoever would listen. I looked at the heavens. “Please, keep her safe. Please bring her back to me.” I was speaking to our angel and her grandparents. I knew they could protect her when I couldn’t.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that. I don’t know if she knew I hadn’t left. Addy and Cooper came down and went to her. That was when I knew it was time for me to leave. I had done nothing but hurt the one girl I loved. I deserved every ounce of pain coursing through me right now.
Chapter 38
Brielle
I can feel Addy and Coop trying to lift me up. I can hear their voices, but I just don’t care about what they are saying. I just told Colby goodbye. If I thought I was broken before, I was wrong. I am totally and completely broken now. He said he wanted to fix it, but I don’t think we can be fixed. Every part of my heart was screaming at me to listen to him and try. My head was telling me I was doing the right thing. What a bitch it is when your heart and head don’t agree. I feel like a raging lunatic. But like I told him I love him and will never regret a second I had with him. Now I just have to learn to be without him.
I stand up and see Addy and Coop looking at me like they don’t know what to do. I don’t often break down, and I guess they don’t know what to expect.
“I am not okay right now, so do not even ask that stupid-ass question. I am going up to the house, washing my face, and we are all going to sit down and eat lunch before I say my ‘see you laters,’ and head out.”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 13
