How to Be a Villain

by Neil Zawacki

  invisibility potion The delight of evil-doers with a voyeuristic streak, and brewed by alchemists and mad scientists alike, the invisibility potion can render you incapable of being seen. One sip of this smoky concoction will allow you to travel where others cannot, learning valuable secrets and gathering an endless supply of blackmail material. You will have to remove your clothes in order to walk about, however, as disembodied suits rarely go far, but this is a minor inconvenience. That shortcoming directly relates to a larger problem, however, which is that duration tends to be inconsistent. Sad to say, more than one evil-doer has suddenly appeared au natural in the middle of a rival’s board meeting or a female locker room. To avoid this situation, purchase your potion in bulk and experiment in the privacy of your evil lair until you have a good idea how long a dose from that particular batch will work its magic.

  The voodoo doll is an excellent tool for malice and revenge.

  This amazing technology will allow you to become a puppet master of millions.

  orbital mind-control laser One of the best contemporary methods for remote human manipulation, these space-bound satellites beam lasers directly into people’s skulls and force them to obey your every command. This amazing technology will allow you to become a puppet master of millions, manipulating actions and emotions on a worldwide scale, with one exception. Should an individual wear a crudely fashioned aluminum-foil helmet, the laser beams will be deflected from their target. Luckily, only homeless people and conspiracy theorists have so far uncovered this simple but effective defense.

  black army helicopters The staple of any evil government or empire, a fleet of black army helicopters will serve your sinister needs well. Whether you need to deploy a team of jackbooted thugs or ferry enemies of state to your secret death camps, black helicopters are the way to go. They’re dark, sleek, incredibly frightening, and the vehicle of choice among numerous evil agencies, so they boast plenty of negative connotations. Simply flying over in a black helicopter will make the huddled masses fear you, which can be a disadvantage if discretion is important. For better or worse, arriving in a black army helicopter sends a loud and clear message: “I’m important, and I’m evil.” Most of these sinister copters are also equipped with advanced stealth technology for use on spy missions and other illicit operations.

  toys of terror Irony is on your side when you manufacture and distribute specially modified games and toys. Not delightful playthings to inspire cheers on Christmas morning, these are vicious little invitations to terror. Start with a jack-in-the-box that attacks children, stuffed bears that come hungrily to life, and nutcrackers that quite disturbingly live up to their name. You can also create armies of toy soldiers, footballs that explode on contact, and board games that teleport their players to a parallel dimension. You might even create a Tickle Me version of yourself that devours souls instead of brain cells. Simply put, the world will be your toy chest, and none shall escape your kung fu grip.

  Evil Fund Raising

  Winged monkeys don’t grow on trees, or at least not yet. If you’re going to set yourself up as an evil magnate, you’ll need cash and lots of it. Try these tips for landing cash fast:

  Evil bake sale or lemonade stand

  Evil paper route

  Arms sales to desperate nations

  Larceny, commissioned perjury, and extortion

  Day job as evil law clerk or accountant

  Telemarketing

  Not delightful playthings to inspire cheers on Christmas morning, these are vicious little invitations to terror.

  Fashion for the Evil-doer

  It is time now to deal with the most agonizing decision of your evil career. What to wear? How to display yourself? How to look “bad” and yet so damn good? It may seem wrong, but many people will form ideas about how evil you are based on how you dress and carry yourself. To make matters tougher, you’ll want to look good while you are being bad. Read on for a variety of choices that will help alleviate the pain of this critical decision.

  classic black It’s hard to go wrong with classic black. Sinister, foreboding, fashionable yet fearsome, black creates an air of mystery while rendering you sneakier at night. It is also slimming, an important consideration if you are opting for a fitted style such as a cat suit or a cape and tights. Select high-saturation materials such as leather, velvet, and satin for the best effect. Your pasty white skin will shine with a hollow luminosity against head-to-toe black attire. Speaking of toes, black is really the only choice when it comes to evil footwear. Although many hero types and vigilantes now prefer black (thanks to years of trying to keep those white outfits clean), classic black remains the fashion statement for villains everywhere.

  business suit The business suit is still the only real choice for corporate bastards and their cronies. Stick with a classic cut in gray, slate, charcoal, or navy. If you don’t like wearing a tie, try pairing your suit with a black turtleneck or a silk T-shirt in charcoal. If you are accustomed to dressing on the cutting edge, you can try a statement suit with fashion features such as a high collar, four-to-six button tailoring, or man-made shiny fabric. Whatever style you choose, you are sure to feel a boost in confidence. When you put on a finely tailored suit, you know you look good and you’ll enjoy the added benefit of making scruffier villains and heroes feel unkempt and out of place.

  Black creates an air of mystery while rendering you sneakier at night.

  A gimmicky costume automatically provides a motif from which you can adopt a personal theme.

  supervillain costume with gimmicks If you spent your childhood hiding in the backyard reading comic books, you probably won’t be happy with anything less than the supervillain

  costume with gimmicks. Be it a green jumpsuit with question marks or an outlandish clown suit that shoots confetti, the gimmicky costume will bring contented smiles and automatically provide a motif from which you can adopt a personal theme. For example, I am the Lizard and use my tail-shedding weapon on you. As you design your costume, take your body type into consideration. Colorful leotards may be high on visual impact, but if it has been a few decades since your last trip to the gym, you may want to consider something with more coverage. Remember, spandex is a privilege, not a right.

  robotic exoskeleton Thanks to the innovative use of the robotic exoskeleton, the evil genius who was once frail and weak can now become an unstoppable juggernaut, gaining the strength of ten men and the durability of a tank. Machine guns and lasers can be attached to the sides and arms, and should your body ever be destroyed, your head can simply detach and rocket back to your underground lair. Regular lube jobs will keep the joints in your exoskeleton moving smoothly. Drawbacks include the potential for rust damage if you live in a moist climate and occasional problems getting served in public.

  brain in a jar This option does not allow for as much mobility and personal interaction as the others do, but becoming a brain in a jar has been a favorite strategy among supervillains for decades. By suspending your brain in a slimy green goo, you can effectively cheat death and at the same time send the gross-out meter through the roof. Your henchmen will be incredibly confused and intimidated as you rant at them without any vocal cords, and your enlarged cerebral cortex will allow you to conceive of plans and schemes previously unfathomable. While you may not be able to enjoy your worldly assets anymore because of the absence of a body and any sensory organs, you will still be filled with wrath and rage, which is all an evil genius truly needs.

  Becoming a brain in a jar has been a favorite strategy among supervillains for decades.

  dominatrix outfit Female evil-doers often complain that the cat suit or studded bikini is their only option. Not so. The dominatrix outfit offers a feminine yet powerful look that exudes enthusiasm for the evil job at hand. Perfect for any lady of pain, the skin-tight garb is stain resistant and durable, making it a great choice for active evil-doers. You will find the complementary whip helpful for torturing heroes and the six-inch stiletto heels
ideal for deadly jump-kick attacks. If you want to be feared, desired, and drop-dead gorgeous all in one, the dominatrix outfit is the look for you, although you may be a bit chilly at times.

  battle armor Not surprisingly, miscreants engaged in the arts of war lean towards a wardrobe of battle armor. This formidable fashion can provide astonishing protection, allowing you to survive deadly assaults and what would normally be fatal blows. There are three types to choose from, determined by the era in which you exist. Medieval evil-doers prefer fine suits of plate armor, stylized with spiked helmets and menacing shields. Futuristic supervillains favor power armor, notable for its resilience and flight capability. Even criminal masterminds stuck in the present need not feel left out, given the nice array of ballistic armor and bulletproof vests currently available.

  If you want to be feared, desired, and drop-dead gorgeous all in one, the dominatrix outfit is the look for you.

  “Wow, that really looks like blood.”

  wizard’s robes Evil masterminds who possess a magical inclination may want to invest their money in wizard’s robes. These sleek garments are ideal for sorcerers and necromancers alike, providing fashion sensibility and open-air comfort. You can find them in a wide range of colors, including soul-sucking black and wow-that-really-looks-like-blood red, and they look great with Grecian-style sandals or basic black supervillain boot-socks. Avoid white wizard’s robes, both because of the association with good and because you will look like you’re wearing a toga.

  elemental Consider the possibility of constructing your body entirely out of some sort of element. Earth, air, fire, and water all make excellent forms, with individual benefits to each (incredible toughness, ultraquick flight, devastating damage, and ability to swim like a porpoise, respectively). They are not the only choices, however, as you can also create a body out of wood, metal, electricity, or even radiation (ideal for unstoppable rampages). Glass is usually not recommended, as your jaw will rarely last more than one punch. The big drawback here is lack of publicity. As a disembodied wave wreaking havoc along the coastline, you’ll be at your peak of power, but no one will know it’s you. Your antics may even be chalked up to Mother Nature—humiliating to say the least.

  intelligence transferred into a computer This selection is quite similar to brain in a jar, only modernized and with more benefits. Through the act of transferring your intelligence into a computer you gain supreme power and access to information beyond your wildest dreams. Television cameras will act as your eyes and ears and robots your hands as you bring about great evil from twenty miles beneath the earth’s crust. You will be effectively immortal, for transforming oneself into binary code tends to wrench away any last bits of humanity one might have. This is most definitely a good thing, as destroying the earth becomes that much easier.

  wearing the skin of another human Perhaps you’re not human at all, but rather a demon spawned from another world. Or maybe you’re a necromancer, or someone who likes switching into other people’s bodies. Whatever your story, you may want to try wearing the skin of another human. By concealing yourself in the flesh of your enemies you can constantly escape detection while committing countless evil acts. The different bodies will keep the authorities guessing, and when you get bored you can simply shed your current skin and move on to the next. There is also a great deal of fun to be had in tormenting heroes with this fashion. Consider, “Mom, is that you?”

  The body double lets you become the mirror image of your goodly nemesis.

  evil twin/opposite A wonderfully simple concept, the body double lets you become the mirror image of your goodly nemesis. Whether through the miracle of modern cloning technology or by being born into the role of evil twin, you are able to steal away a person’s life and take it for your own. This works particularly well with heroes, as their friends will confide in you, purging their hearts of their deepest secrets. Your identical handprint and voice pattern will also allow you access to the securest of bases, providing further opportunities for espionage and frame-ups. If the hero you have become should ever catch up to you, he or she will be so flummoxed to see himself or herself looting the national treasury (or whatever you happen to be doing), they’re likely just to stand there as you get away. The look on that hero’s face should be worth any effort it takes to become their evil twin.

  never revealing your face This final possibility is perhaps best of all, as it allows the evil-doer to remain completely unseen to the outside world. Instead of being known by any particular name or gimmick, you are simply the mysterious force that no one ever sees but nonetheless knows exists because of the trail of destruction left in your wake. You become a kind of nightmarish monstrosity only hinted at in rumors and whispered about in folktales, existing out there somewhere, ready to eat your enemies should they get too close. The fact that no one ever sees you will only add to the legend, making you even more terrible and fierce. Furthermore, you can claim the evil deeds wrought by others to further your own reputation. People fear what they do not know, and though you may not actually even exist, you will be very fearsome indeed.

  Give Yourself an Evil Makeover

  Looking bad isn’t just about your clothes. Spend a morning giving yourself an evil makeover and you may find you look horrendous in any outfit!

  EVIL LOCKS Rat your hair, dye it jet black, and add a streak of silver down the middle. Or shave off all your hair, including your eyebrows.

  NAILS OF THE DEAD Grow those nails long (longer!) or give yourself press-ons. Shape them into razor-sharp claws with a rusty blade and paint them green or tip them with red.

  COMPLEXION CORRECTION Do you have that healthy glow? Fix it fast with green, blue, or white face paint.

  POSTURE PERFECT Is your straight posture sending the wrong message? Slump and shuffle if you mean to be mean. Try contorting your hands and cocking your head for an exaggerated evil look.

  “Go—and destroy in the name of DOOM.”

  —Dr. Doom, Master of Latveria

  The Evil Plan Generator

  Have you ever wanted to make a great evil plan but didn’t have the time or superhuman intelligence? You’re not alone. In fact, many evil men and women struggle with this culminating act in their trudge toward evil destiny. The secret to success is planning ahead. Use the following Evil Plan Generator to help you. By identifying your goals, means, and target for destruction, the Evil Plan Generator lets you concoct a truly nefarious scheme in a matter of minutes.

  Simply fill in the blanks in each stage. When you are done, combine all three stages into a unique evil plan. We have offered some tentative suggestions for slow starters. Soon you’ll unleash your sinister fantasy on an unsuspecting world as if you’ve been doing it for years.

  Stage One:

  To begin, you must first Action Target.

  Action: What are your favorite pastimes?

  Kidnap

  Clone

  Devour

  Blackmail

  Incapacitate

  Seduce

  Expose

  Incinerate

  Target: What did you want to be when you were young?

  A Police Chief

  A Wealthy Heiress

  A Military General

  Superman

  A Wizard’s Apprentice

  The Chosen One

  A Town Mascot

  A Rock Star

  Stage 1 Continued:

  This will cause the world to Reaction, Descriptive Verb by your arrival.

  Reaction: What do people do when you enter a room?

  Sit up and take notice

  Swallow nervously

  Choke on their food

  Whisper among themselves

  Sense a grave disturbance in the force

  Sign up for life insurance policies

  Slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods

  Leave

  Descriptive Verb: How would you characterize the look on the doctor’s face when you were born?

 
Amazed

  Baffled

  Shocked

  Terrified

  Frightened

  Alarmed

  Bewildered

  Paralyzed

  Stage 1 Continued:

  Who is this Name ? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in Fashion ?

  Name: How would you describe yourself?

  Criminal Mastermind

  Evil Genius

  Demented Madman

  Right Bastard

  Future Ruler of All Mankind

  Bloodthirsty Warlord

  Unholy Menace

  Destroyer of All That Is Good and Nice

  Fashion: What do you look best in?

  Classic Black

  A Business Suit

  A Supervillain Costume

  A Robotic Exoskeleton

  Medieval Armor

  Another Person’s Skin

  That Gigantic Silver Helmet

  An Off-center Blond Wig

  Stage Two:

  Next, you must Action Monument. This will all be done from your Base, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory.

  Action:

  Seize control of

  Disintegrate

  Steal

  Poison

  Smash