How to Be a Villain
Page 7
Sabotage
Obliterate
Vaporize
Monument:
Mount Rushmore
Atlantis
Dinosaur Island
The Pyramids of Giza
That Opera House in Sydney
The Internet
The Pacific Ocean
The Moon
Base: What is the location of your lair?
Medieval Castle
Corporate Tower
Underground Secret Headquarters of Doom
Desert Island
Abandoned Church
Ancient Tomb
Space Station
The Pyramids of Giza The Moom The Internet Mount Rushmore
Stage 2 Continued:
Upon seeing this, the world will Reaction, as countless hordes of
Henchmen hasten to do your every bidding.
Reaction: How do mere mortals react to your presence?
Scream
Faint
Tremble
Give up
Weep uncontrollably
Gibber like madmen
Die in a way you just don’t want to think about
Fall into catatonic trances
Henchmen: Who shall be your mindless slaves?
Corporate Cronies
Winged Monkeys
Robot Warriors
Ninjas
Alien Life Forms
Demented Clowns
Computer Programmers
The Undead
Stage Three:
Finally, you must Action your Weapon, bringing about Destiny.
Action:
Reveal to the world
Unleash
Covertly move
Release
Send forth
Let loose
Tauntingly wave
Activate
Weapon:
Corporate Takeover
Armies of Destruction
Doomsday Device
Secret Death Ray
Unholy Weapon
Needlessly Big Weather Machine
Armageddon Clock
Opening of the Seven Seals
Destiny: Your existence signals what?
The apocalypse
Horrors like the world has never seen
An end to sanity
Pain, suffering, the usual
A 1984-style police state
The return of the Antichrist
An unending cacophony of screams
Something really, really bad
Stage 3 Continued:
Your name shall become synonymous with Random, and no man will ever again dare Tragic Past. Everyone will bow before your
Power, and the world will have no choice but to End Result.
Random: Pick a word or phrase just for the heck of it.
Horror
Madness
All that is wrong with the world
Fuzzy bunnies
Tragic Past: What would no person ever do in your fearsome presence?
Beat you up
Call you names
Roll his or her eyes
Interrupt your sentences
Take your lunch money
Refuse to be your prom date
Power: What do you possess?
Supreme Might
Cunning Intelligence
Dashing Good Looks
Superior Firepower
Unmatched Physical Prowess
Mystical Abilities
Superhuman Powers
End Result:
Elect you dictator for life
Give you control of the planet
Send you all their money
Make you their new god
Name you Evil Man/Woman of the Year
Erect a gigantic statue of you
Restore your credit rating
Blank Evil Plan for Handy Home Use
Having trouble flipping from page to page? Here is the Evil Plan Generator put together in shorthand for handy use at home. Simply fill in your answers in the appropriate blanks below and then get ready to call your press conference. You may want to photocopy this page first, in case you change your mind later and want to create a different evil plan.
Stage One:
To begin, you must first Action Target. This will cause the world to Reaction, Descriptive Verb by your arrival. Who is this Name ? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in Fashion ?
Stage Two:
Next, you must Action Monument. This will all be done from your Base, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will Reaction, as countless hordes of Henchmen hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three:
Finally, you must Action your Weapon, bringing about Destiny. Your name shall become synonymous with Random, and no man will ever again dare Tragic Past. Everyone will bow before your Power, and the world will have no choice but to End Result.
The world will erect a gigantic statue of you.
Sample Plan
Just to prove that it really does work.
Stage One:
To begin, you must first kidnap The Chosen One. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, shocked by your arrival. Who is this bloodthirsty warlord? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in medieval armor?
Stage Two:
Next, you must seize control of that opera house in Sydney. This will all be done from your abandoned church, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of winged monkeys hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three:
Finally, you must unleash your doomsday device, bringing about horrors like the world has never seen. Your name shall become synonymous with madness, and no man will ever again dare call you names. Everyone will bow before your supreme might, and the world will have no choice but to erect a giant statue of you.
Go Forth and Be Evil!
Think of your humble beginnings, when you dreamed of being bad or maybe terrible. Now you know better than to hold yourself back. Bad may have been good enough yesterday, but today you know who you are. You are evil. If anyone should accuse you of anything less than utter evil, just smile, knowing that proving you are evil isn’t half as important as believing it yourself.
Sincerest thanks to everyone who helped with this book, especially Shannon, without whom none of this would have been possible.
Text copyright © 2003 by Neil Zawacki.
Illustrations copyright © 2003 by James Dignan.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in Publication Data available.
ISBN: 9-781-4521-1039-4
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