Impossible
Page 19
Realization hit me, and when it did, it hit hard. Like a freaking anvil being dropped on my head.
I had definitely found that person. In fact, I had found three. And they all had the same last name.
Tears filled my eyes, my throat spasmed closed again, and I found myself having to choke back the sobs fighting to get out. I looked at my little girl with wonder as she asked a final question, her innocent eyes searching mine. “Is your heart fixed, Mommy?”
Having spent last few months getting to know the Cades and feeling the love they had to offer, even when I was broken with relatively little to give in return, and then looking into my green eyes set in a sweet, angelic toddler’s face, I knew that it was.
Putting my hand to her cheek, mirroring exactly what she had done with me, I whispered softly, “It sure is, sweetheart.”
Staring at this little combination of me and Josh, my heart clenched and my thoughts ran through the things I now knew to be true.
The Cades had done the ground work, opening me up, getting me ready, and then sending me in the right direction. But the only person who could fully change my outlook, really make me ready for love in all of my relationships, was the loss I would have never gotten over.
Every.
********
“Three years, Joanie. Three years I left her without a father or a mother. Three years, I left that responsibility on your shoulders,” I whispered before shaking my head and letting it hang against my chest.
Taking a few deep breaths, I found my voice again and continued, “How do I live with something like that? How do I go on, give her what she needs and deserves, when all I can seem to feel is how much I hate myself?”
Boy, did I hate myself. I had certainly created a ton of reasons to. Abandoning Every. Leaving people I cared about, Joanie and Michael, with the responsibility of caring for my child. Raising her, all the while never knowing if I would be coming back. They had to break that to Every, try to find a way to make that alright for her, all the while suffering the loss of their own child.
And God, what I had done to Coleman. I had been so freaking selfish. I never once thought about how things were for him, how much he was hurting, how much it probably ate at him being away from his family. God, especially when that had happened to his mother, the one woman who had always been there for him and his son. I had thrown it in his face, petulantly crying about how sorry for myself I was.
It was disgusting.
Joanie’s voice was gentle but firm as she set about trying to answer all of my questions. “Sweetheart. First of all, you give yourself a break.”
I let out a disbelieving puff of air, but she kept right on talking. “I’d say you were suffering from a nasty mix of post-traumatic stress and postpartum when you took off. You might have figured things out sooner if you’d stayed and gotten help, but that’s in the past. We can’t change that any more than we can bring Josh back.”
Pain sliced through my chest at her blunt, albeit gentle, recounting of facts.
“The second part of your answer is to stop thinking about yourself. If you don’t like who you’ve been, be someone different. Think differently, act differently. Be different.”
Jesus, she was right. Even sitting here thinking about how selfish I had been, I was still thinking about myself.
“Think about that little girl in there,” she stated, pointing a finger to the back bedroom where we had put Every to sleep for the night. “The way I see it, if you think about her and your future, the only thoughts you’ll be able to have are happy ones.”
Well, it was clear Joanie was two things. She was still the woman I knew, completely forgiving of the weaknesses of others. And secondly, she was right.
As much as I hated all the things that had happened, the things I had done, I couldn’t go back. The only thing to do was move forward and live in a way that was the complete opposite of selfishness. I had to live for Every and sort out the rest as it came.
********
Later that night, after I’d retreated to Joanie and Michael’s guest room, I took some time to think about the man who had done the impossible.
It was obvious that I had wronged him in a variety of ways, but I had given Coleman everything I had to give at the time. Maybe that was a copout, a way to excuse actions that were really inexcusable, but it was the only conclusion I could let myself come to.
Thinking what I did, holding that kind of loss close to my chest, I had done my best. But with Every back in my life and the knowledge that I didn’t have to lose everything even in the worst of situations, I knew I had more to give. I got a piece of myself back. The piece that comes with being a mother. The piece that loves and nurtures and opens itself up to life’s possibilities if for no other reason than being a good example to their child.
I needed this to be my reality because I needed him to be able to forgive me. I had only been away from him for a day, but I already missed him. I was scared of how I would feel if he didn’t let me back in; if he didn’t give me a chance to get to know everything about him. Not only had I been closed off with information about myself, I’d also held myself back from all the things that made him. What were all the details of his past that I only knew now as holes? How did he really feel about raising CJ without the help of Katie? What had Nan been talking about that day when she told me to look closely at her family?
The next few weeks, maybe even months were going to need to be about Every, about building a relationship with her where she could trust me, rely on me to be there, and get used to having her mother in her life. But I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least give Coleman the apology he deserved.
Reaching for my phone with a shaky hand, I steeled myself for the possibility that he wouldn’t want to hear from me, the possibility that his voice would be filled with venom the way it was the night before.
Moving to my contacts, I brought up <3 Boyfriend’s Cell <3 and hit go.
It rang four times, each one making my heart beat that much faster, and then clicked over to voicemail.
“Hey, you’ve reached Cade. You know what to do.”
Beep.
My palms were sweaty, my body was shaking, and my voice came out sounding more than a little scared as I murmured, “Coleman...it’s Roni. Shit. You probably know it’s me. Um, anyway...I don’t really know what to say other than...I’m sorry. God, Coleman, I’m so sorry.”
Freaking out and on the verge of tears yet again, I pulled the phone away from my ear frantically and punched the screen with my finger until I managed to end the call.
What a joke it was that I had wanted to get rid of him, to find a way to escape his love.
I had done it.
In spectacular, absolute clusterfuck-tastrophy fashion.
Congratulations, you seriously messed up idiot of a woman.
God, I really needed him to forgive me.
Chapter 14
You’re Going About It Wrong
A week later, Every and I were cuddled up on the couch, and I was running my fingers through her hair, scratching lightly at her scalp.
We had settled into each other easily. She was unbelievably smart, freaking funny, and had obviously gotten her ability to forgive from her father’s side of the family.
Joanie and Michael had taken a giant step back, letting me step in and do everything, and they had done it with absolutely no ill will. They managed to skate the line, avoiding resentment at me for the years they had spent taking care of Every at the same time that they didn’t let it grow as they watched me take over.
Honestly, it was no wonder I had met and fallen in love with the son they had produced.
Unfortunately, as much as I loved them and was loving every minute spent with my daughter, I missed Coleman. Quite frankly, I missed him with a ferocity I wouldn’t have thought possible. Somehow, he had become not only my lover, but my best friend. And he’d done this at a time where I didn’t think it was possible.
I tried not to assume anything because there were any number of reasons he could have not called back. It didn’t have to mean that he was done with me.
Besides, I had already made the decision that after Every and I were settled with each other, I would find a way to connect with him whether I had heard back from him or not. The whole time we were together he had had to chase me, and I figured it was about time I did a little chasing of my own.
Plus, a few other interesting things had come to light this week, and I was going to need to see him eventually.
Turns out, you really can’t assume anything, even if seemingly sound reasoning leads to the assumption.
I pulled myself out of my thoughts just in time to see Michael change the channel and land on bull riding. My whole body went wired immediately.
I had been leaning back, semi-relaxed, with Every cradled in my arms, but as the camera panned across the line of cowboys, I launched up to sitting, bringing Every with me.
The camera scanned slowly, and my heart just about jumped out of my chest with the anticipation. My eyes were focused on the TV, and I pretty much zoned out, forgetting everything going on around me, including the company I was keeping. I was so intent on seeing him, that I just barely heard the words come out of the announcer’s mouth. “Unfortunately, Coleman Cade won’t be here this week due to a family emergency. It shouldn’t hurt his standings too much, though, as he’s had quite the dominate year.”
Coleman wasn’t there. Of course. He was still with Nan. God. Coming back from my tunnel vision, I realized I wasn’t alone. And when I looked around, I saw that all of the eyes in the room were on my shaking, sweaty body.
“Well, that answers a few questions,” I vaguely heard Michael murmur to Joanie.
Hearing him say that focused my thoughts and snapped me back to the ugly conversation I had had with Coleman before I left.
You have a fuckin’ daughter, Roni. I saw her with my own eyes.
Prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen, with familiar green eyes and a loving set of grandparents.
I had been so focused on him claiming that she was alive that I hadn’t really listened. If I’d been paying attention I would have realized the obvious. He had met her. That’s how he found out she was alive.
Shitdizzle. He had been in Arkansas on the circuit last week. Of course.
God, I was an idiot. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed this until now.
Lifting my eyes to Michael’s, I whispered, “You met him. Last week.”
“Sure did, Sweetheart,” he answered softly.
I was desperate for more answers, but I knew I needed to wait for Every to go to bed. We all gave each other looks that said we would definitely be discussing this later, when Every took me by surprise.
“He has cool eyes!”
I knew what she meant, but I kept forgetting how freaking smart she was, smart enough to pick up on the veiled undercurrent of a conversation I was having with her grandfather, so I questioned, “Who does, baby?”
Her response was exasperated, a big heavy sigh escaping her little lips before she said, “Colemand Cade, Mommy.” Her voice changed from exasperated to excited as she continued, “He’s really nice too. He tolded me I looked like someone he knew and that I was the prettiest little girl he’d ever saw in his whole life!”
My eyes flicked up until they connected with Michael and Joanie, but I spoke my words to Every. “Well, he was definitely right about that, honey. You are without a doubt the prettiest little girl in the whole world.” My hand ran aimlessly though her hair as I breathed in the reality of holding her in my arms.
This was yet another way Coleman had saved me. If it hadn’t been for him, I might have never come back here. I knew it was luck that had crossed his path with Every in the first place, but it was because of the person he was that he had taken the time to speak to her. And it was his perceptive nature that had allowed him to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
God, I missed him.
How had I ever thought I’d be better off without him? That if I wasn’t with him, it wouldn’t hurt as much to lose him?
It was amazing what the pain of a loss can twist your mind into believing. It uses whatever it can to staunch the flow of the bleed, to stifle the pain to a manageable level. And sometimes it turns you into someone else. Someone you don’t like. Making you perpetrate the very same actions of your enemies.
But Joanie was right. It’s what you do after the fact. Who do you become after the storm clears? How do you handle the harsh reality of unsubstantiated choices?
How do you handle it when you do the very last thing you would ever wish to do?
Hurt the people you love.
********
The next morning, as Every played quietly in the other room, Josh’s parents took their opportunity to slap me with the reality check I desperately needed.
Joanie was the first to speak up, asking me, “What went wrong with your man, Sweetheart? And why are you here instead of up there trying to fix it?”
I thought the answer was obvious, and my tone said as much as I said, “Joanie, we just discussed this. I’ve already spent too much time, too many years, thinking about myself. This is the time I need to be here for Every. Give her all the things I haven’t been giving her.”
I went about my business mixing the pasta salad that I had made for later that day, but Joanie grabbed my chin and pulled my face up so that she could look directly into my eyes as Michael looked on from his seat at the table.
Joanie’s voice left no room for bullshit as she asked, “Do you love this man, Veronica?”
I couldn’t look away, my chin held securely in her hand, so my only option was to let the threatening tears rush to my eyes and nod jerkily.
It hurt to admit that to her, like somehow I was betraying her by betraying her son. I knew that that kind of thinking wasn’t logical or fair, but that didn’t stop me from feeling that way.
Joanie worked her face into a smile, an action that I could see took work, the pain of her loss written in the tears of her eyes and the tremor of her lips.
She took one deep breath, and then told me, “Good. Then you owe it to Josh to go make things right.”
Owe it to Josh? How could she say that? I owed it to Josh to respect the love he had given me and take care of our daughter like I should have.
I never spoke the words of my question, but she could read it anyway.
“We admire what you’re trying to do, honey, but you’re going about it wrong,” she coached gently. “Every is fine. She’s adjusted to you like you’ve always been here because we made sure that you were. We told her about you everyday and filled her life with all things you and Josh. Now get your act together, and go get the man you’re in love with. You know just about better than anyone that life is just too short to wait around.”
Finally unable to hold his tongue, Michael piped up. “Be the woman Josh loved, Vee,” he said, purposely using Josh’s name for me. “He was always saying how strong you were, how much love you had to give despite those idiot parents of yours.”
I was so lucky to have these amazing people in my life. My feet itched to move, my heart beating steadily to reassure me that I knew they were right.
But there was one other thing that was bothering me.
“But he lives in Kansas.”
“We know that, doll,” Michael confirmed.
“But...you live here.”
Joanie’s arms wrapped around me in a hug so tight it was a wonder I could still take a breath. I could feel her tears in my hair and on my face as she hugged me tight and infused me with all the strength she had to give.
Her answering words were soft in my ear, but they rang strong with conviction. “We’ll work out the details later, Swe
etheart. Love makes all sorts of things possible. With the things we’ve overcome, all of us, each and every one of us in this house, a little thing like a difference in location is nothing.”
I pulled back and made sure to hold the attention of both of them as I spoke the words I hadn’t spoken since the day Josh died.
“I love you both. Always.”
Chapter 15
The Cades
Pulling Every out of her car seat, I set her down on the ground, closed her door, and then reached for her hand to lead her up to the perfect white farmhouse.
She was beyond excited, chirping happily next to me the entire way across the driveway, up onto the porch, and to the front door. “This place is so cool, Mommy!”
I couldn’t help but agree with her, but my thoughts were preoccupied and I was as nervous as I could be. Therefore, instead of answering verbally, I gave her a hint of a smile and a succinct nod.
There was a really good chance that Coleman wasn’t going to want to see me. In fact, there was pretty good chance he had told Nan and CJ all the awful things I had said and done, and they wouldn’t want to see me either. I wouldn’t blame any of them if that was the case, but I absolutely had to try.
I wanted a future with these people, and if I didn’t try now, I might as well kiss it goodbye forever.
Raising my hand to knock solidly on the door, I heard Bo start barking before my knuckles met wood. Animals always knew things before people did. I pressed on anyway, making three sharp raps on the door before stepping back and slipping my hand back into Every’s.
Sensing my emotions, or maybe she could just hear my heart beating recklessly in my chest, Every commented, but didn’t raise her voice above a delicate whisper. “Someone’s coming.”
Someone was coming, indeed. There was a soft murmur shushing Bo, and then the sound of footsteps on the wood floor, making their way to the front of the house to answer the door.