Impossible

by Laurel Curtis

  Every squeezed my hand, an outrageous gesture of comfort for a three year old to give a grown woman, and the action catapulted me back to the memory of walking onto this porch with Coleman hand in hand. I had been nervous then too, and he had done the same thing, squeezing my hand in a silent showing of support.

  Pulling a deep breath through my nose, I brought my focus out of my memories and back to the sounds of someone coming to answer the door.

  Time seemed to slow down as I saw the knob start to turn, and the solid rectangle of the door slipped out of its perfectly fitted frame.

  My eyes started at the bottom, taking in cowboy boots and working their way up a pair of faded jeans, over the big buckle securing his belt, up his t-shirt covered abdomen and chest, and finally, straight into the eyes of CJ.

  CJ.

  Disappointed isn’t the right word to describe what I felt because I truly wanted to see CJ, to give him a big hug. To apologize for all of my insecurities and wrongs perpetrated.

  But I really needed to see Coleman. To apologize to him. To try and make him give me another chance.

  To tell him that I loved him.

  CJ took me in, and it only took him a fraction of a second to choke out a startled, but excited, “Roni?”

  Before I could say anything, I saw his eyes follow the line of my arm all the way down to Every, back up to me, and then repeat the whole exercise, all within a matter of seconds.

  A slow smirk started to take over one corner of his mouth as he murmured, “Well. I’m thinkin’ me and Nan just got some answers to a few of our questions.”

  He stepped back into the house and swung the door wide, gesturing with his arm for us to come into the house. “Come on in Roni. I think it’s about time everybody started talkin’. Don’t you?”

  I was in complete agreement, and I was glad they were letting me in the house. That was a good first step. I nodded my head, and he wasted no time turning his attention downward to my shorter counterpart. “Hey there. I’m CJ. What’s your name?”

  Every responded naturally and breezily, much wiser than her three years. “My name is Every Russo. You have eyes just like Colemand Cade.”

  CJ chuckled before answering, “Well, that’s because he’s my dad.”

  Every nodded sagely, jerked a thumb in my direction, and informed him, “She’s my mom.”

  Seeing the two of them interact was one of the best things I had ever witnessed. It warmed my chest and made my skin tingle.

  Still, my heart was thrumming, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t hold back the question that had been clawing its way up my throat since the moment I had laid eyes on CJ.

  “Where’s Coleman? Is he here?”

  CJ straightened, looked me squarely in the eyes, and then weighed his options. I could tell he was going to answer me with the truth, but that he didn’t know the best way to put it.

  His eyes flickered, a sign that his decision had been made, and then he spoke, enunciating each word carefully and softly. “He’s at the cemetery.”

  My first reaction was to panic, several crazy thoughts running through my head.

  Omg, was Nan okay? Had she had a turn for the worse? How could they have not called me?

  Thankfully, sanity returned, and I didn’t voice any of these crazy things to CJ before thinking it through.

  Right on cue, I flashed back to my conversation with Nan.

  “It’s good to see the light back in your eyes, dear.”

  “Huh? I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Oh, Sweetie. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Trust me, I know.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I used to be you.”

  “I’d tell you straight out if I thought you were ready to know, but you’re not. If I tell you now, you’ll just run...Okay. I’ll tell you this. Look at my family. Look closely. What do you see? Or maybe, more appropriately, what don’t you see?”

  “Don’t worry, dear. You’ll understand at some point.”

  Somehow, it was all clear. Even as I questioned CJ, my eyes started to do a scan of the room, looking for the answer all on their own.

  “He’s at your grandfather’s grave?”

  CJ looked a little surprised by my knowledge, or more like my ability to make an educated guess, but he hid it quickly. I watched him swallow, the apple of his throat bobbing with the action, before he gave me one single nod.

  An affirmative.

  Coleman was at his father’s grave. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed his absence sooner. Coleman was young. Of course his father should still be around.

  I felt a hand on my arm, CJ’s hand, a touch that was super light- just enough to bring my attention back to him. His voice was low, but even, as he added, “My grandfather. And my uncle.”

  Oh, Jesus.

  After that revelation, my actions were purely instinctual and reactionary. An outsider would have guessed that there was something seriously wrong with me, the way my eyes jerkily and hastily transitioned from one thing to the other. The first stop was a brief moment of grief, my eyes closed tight and secure as the implications of his statement flashed through my mind. Next, they opened and moved straight to CJ, imploring him to feel my condolence, to understand the sincerity of emotion that I felt for him.

  After a brief stop on Every to make sure she was holding together okay, my eyes moved wildly around the room, taking in all the frames that I had never gotten around to studying. It was all there in a series of glossy five by sevens.

  The Cades. Nan and her husband, their two sons, and a very young CJ.

  No wonder Nan had claimed to know my pain and struggles.

  She freaking did.

  And now, in the light of Every’s ongoing existence, she knew it worse than me. Because her child wasn’t coming back. Coleman was visiting the very grave in the cemetery that proved it.

  “A drunk driver hit them on their way home one night. They had gone to Nebraska, Uncle Johnny was riding in a rodeo there. My dad would have gone with them, but I was sick, and well, he didn’t want to leave me. Nan offered to take care of me, but my dad took his responsibility seriously.”

  God, the loss they had experienced.

  He must have been in hell worrying about his mother. He had already lost so much, his father and a brother.

  There was no way he was going to forgive me for the way I acted.

  I was going to be sick. I could feel it, the uneasiness churning in my stomach, just waiting for an excuse to come up.

  The sadness was overwhelming, and I had the urge to fight back, to try to drown the sadness with anger. The Banty rooster inside me was trying to scratch its way out, itching for a battle. I wanted to ask why the hell no one had told me, but I knew the answer, and once again, it painted me quite clearly in all of my selfish light.

  I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t asked one goddamn thing because I was afraid it would open up a discussion about me. Coleman asked about me all the time, but not me. I never asked.

  And on top of that, Nan had said it best. If she’d told me, if they had told me, I would have run.

  Anything to stick my head deeper in the sand.

  Well, that was over.

  No more fucking running.

  I was going to face my problems head on, and I was going to get Coleman to forgive me. He had to forgive me.

  I loved him.

  Oh, yeah. And I was pretty sure that I was pregnant with his baby.

  Chapter 16

  Assumptions...They Get You Pregnant

  CJ’s eyes shot to mine, just as a distinctly wonderful voice questioned, “What?” from behind me.

  Oh, shit.

  Oh holy shitdizzle.

  Had I just said that out loud?

  CJ and Every were both looking on avidly, and I could tell from reading their faces, that yes, I had just blurted out willy nilly that I was pregnant with Coleman’s child.

  Jesus Christ, who does that?

 
This was definitely not the way I had seen this going.

  I was at a complete loss for how to handle this situation, but luckily, Coleman handled it for me.

  “Hey Every, darlin’. It’s good to see you. Do you mind hangin’ out here with CJ for a minute while I have a little talk with your Mom?”

  Every looked up at CJ, studied him for a minute, and then looked back at Coleman. She gave a shrug of her shoulders, muttered, “Sure,” and then reached up to put her hand in CJ’s.

  It was crazy how wildly smart she was at three years old. I was pretty sure she didn’t get it from me.

  Coleman wasted no more time before tagging my hand and heading back out the door, down the steps, and out through the alleyway toward the barn.

  He walked at a clipped pace. If I was honest, it was more of a slow run than a clipped walk, and he didn’t stop until we were in the aisle of the barn.

  God, I had blurted that out. I didn’t even know if he wanted to see me, and the first thing I say is that I’m pregnant with his kid. Good freaking job, Roni.

  Thank God he had at least been there. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t heard me, and I’d accidentally told our kids before telling him.

  My nerves were freaking thick in the air, when he finally pulled me to a stop, and I tried to brace myself for what was coming.

  I was expecting a lot of things, and most of them included Coleman’s anger and my groveling, but they sure as shit didn’t include him pushing me gently up against the wall and kissing me like he needed me in order to take his next breath.

  Which is exactly what happened.

  He took his time, like he always did when he kissed me, and I gave back with everything I had. It was the most passion I had ever put into a kiss, and when he pulled back and muttered, “Fuck yes,” I was pretty sure he could feel it.

  No matter what his kiss suggested, I was still nervous, so I treaded cautiously, sticking one little toe out in the water as a test. “So, um. Does this mean you’re happy to see me?”

  “Fuck yeah.”

  Okay, that was a good sign so I waded a little deeper. Okay, actually I dove all the way in. I was too anxious not to get the biggest question out in the open. “Does this mean you’re happy about the baby?”

  Before he could answer I rushed on, “Because I am. Happy. About the baby.”

  Coleman gave me a blinding smile, one of the best ones in his arsenal, and set about rocking my world. “Banty, I’m pretty sure this is some of the best news I’ve ever gotten.”

  I thought my legs were going to give out, but Coleman secured me, spanning my hips with his hands. They were so at home there, it was like they never left.

  “So you forgive me?” I asked.

  “Forgive you? Banty, Jesus. There’s nothing to forgive. Most everything you said was true anyway. I hate that I wasn’t there for you to make good on my threat to that dick. I hate that you were in that fuckin’ position, feeling uncomfortable like that with me not at your back.”

  He took a small breath, smiled ruefully and then added, “CJ messed him up pretty good, though. My kid can throw a fuckin’ punch.”

  He winced, an indication that his talk may be tough, but he seriously hated that he put CJ in that position. “I hate that that shit went down with Nan, and where was I? Fuckin’ not there.”

  He moved his right hand to my jaw, sweeping his thumb lovingly across my cheek, while his left stayed firmly planted on my hip. His voice got even lower and softer as he murmured, “But what I really, really fuckin’ hate is the way I treated you when I got home. I came tearin’ in there, anger cloudin’ my vision because I had automatically believed the worst in you.” He shook his head in disgust, closed his eyes briefly, and then continued, “I painted you to be what I was afraid you were. Talked myself into knowin’ that you were exactly what I was scared of most. That way I didn’t have to face what was really going on. I could justify the way I’d been feelin’, the way I’d been stayin’ on the road like that. I could pretend my feelings for you were false.”

  “Coleman, you saw her and you assumed what anyone would assume,” I comforted.

  That’s all he let me say. “No, I wish I could agree with you, but it’s just not true. Banty, you had loss written all over you. I knew in my heart you didn’t know about that fuckin’ little girl. Jesus, and I broke the news to you like that. I let my own insecurities from Katie mess with how I handled the situation. I’m the asshole. Just like you’re always telling me.”

  A startled giggle escaped my mouth at his self-deprecating joke, but now I was really confused because if he didn’t hold that night against me, how come I hadn’t heard from him? “But, you never called me back. I left you that message-”

  “Aw, Banty, Christ. I smashed my phone into a million pieces when you didn’t answer or call me back that night. I thought I’d screwed up and lost you for fucking good. I never got your message. I would have chased after you, found you somehow, but I didn’t want to mess up your life. I didn’t want to get in the way of you and your daughter. Especially after the way I broke the fuckin’ news.”

  “Honey, listen.” I could see the light flood his eyes at the use of an endearment, and I decided I really needed to do it more. “Look, the delivery may have been rough, but I needed it. I needed to get a big, cold bucket of reality poured over my head. I only wish you’d been around to do it a couple of years ago.”

  He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, just a small showing of support. A sign that he knew how much I had missed and how much it was getting to me.

  “She’s pretty incredible,” I told him. “She’ll fit right in with the three of you.”

  He thought I was insulting myself and started to correct me, “Roni-” but that hadn’t really been my point, so I silenced him with a finger against his lips.

  “That wasn’t a commentary on me. It was a commentary on the three of you. Coleman, I should have told you in Atlanta. I love you. I love all three of you. The Cades saved me, every last one of you.”

  There was a smile on Coleman’s face, and I could tell he was listening but not without distraction. His left hand drifted from my hips over to my stomach where it settled. He watched his hand and didn’t even look up before asking, “Atlanta?”

  All I could do was nod my head, as a tear ran down my face. Taking a few deep, cleansing breaths, I got it together enough to be able to talk. “You know what they say about assumptions...They get you pregnant.”

  His eyes shot to mine, and a smile lit up his entire face. “I’m pretty sure that’s not what they say, Banty.”

  I nodded my head, but defied my nod by stating, “Yeah, well. That’s what it got me. I always assumed I couldn’t have more kids after the accident.”

  That was the first time I had come out and talked about the accident like it was an actual event with anyone. First step? Possibly.

  “What were you assuming?” I questioned him. I hadn’t been the only one who hadn’t worried, or even thought about, protection that night.

  He answered immediately and without reservation. “That I loved you. And that a baby with you would be one thing I would never regret.”

  Shitdizzle, that was a good answer.

  “Did you take lessons on how to answer a woman’s questions? Because you’re really freaking good at it.”

  “Yes,” he responded.

  “Yes?”

  “My father taught me everything I know about interacting with a woman. Though, you probably shouldn’t mention that to Nan. There are a few of my interactions she’s not a fan of.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. He was so much fun.

  And he was really freaking good at bringing me happiness while lightening the mood.

  That was a perfect opener for one of my last questions, so I took it. “Why didn’t you tell me about your dad and brother?”

  He sighed, put his forehead against mine, and then moved back so that he could look at me as he spoke.
“I didn’t want to add to the weight you were carrying, Roni. I know people think it would somehow help, to know someone else had suffered. Like the weight of my loss is somehow supposed to balm the wound of yours. It’s bullshit. And I knew it. So I held it close to my chest. I would have told you if you’d asked. I never would have lied to you. But I wasn’t going to volunteer that information until you could handle it. Until I was sure I’d sunk you so deep into my family, there was no way you could get out.”

  “You didn’t want me to run.” It wasn’t a question, but he answered anyway.

  “Fuck no, Banty baby. You were pretty practiced at it, and eventually you would have lost me. I certainly wasn’t gonna give you more reasons to leave.”

  “Nan said the same thing once. Told me I wasn’t ready for it.”

  “Are you ready for it now?” he asked.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” He didn’t give me any time to continue, just picked me up so that my legs went around his waist, put his hands on my ass, and kissed me so deep and long I thought I there would be nothing left of me when he finished.

  He pulled back just enough that his lips rested on mine, one hand was still firmly planted on my ass, and the other was twisted and tangled in the hair at the back of my head.

  For once, I was going to be the one to ruin the moment. “Um, except, maybe back to Arkansas. I mean, I’m not leaving, I just haven’t figured out how to handle the situation with Josh’s parents yet. That’s who you met in case you were wondering. My own parents are...well, they just might as well not exist.”

  I had actually said all that with his lips against mine, but somehow he still understood me.

  He pulled back just enough so that I could look directly into his eyes as he told me, “I’ll build them a house.”

  “What? You did catch the part where I told you they were Josh’s parents, right? You know my deceased husband?”

  God, that hurt to admit Josh was dead, but I figured I needed to get used to talking about it.

  “Baby, that doesn’t bother me even a little bit. They are obviously awesome people, and I’d probably offer to let Josh himself move in if it would keep you here. I love you, and I want a family with you.”