The Utterly Indescribable Thing that Happened in Huggabie Falls

by Adam Cece

  He crossed the room and sat back down again, fizzy drink dripped from his sleeve and left a little trail of drops across the dirt floor. ‘I’ve been the only person in this town for the last five years. Do you know what it’s like being the mayor of a town with no other residents? I’ve been sitting here imagining all the fun they’re getting up to over there in Huggabie Falls.’ He twitched again.

  The top-hatted scientist shrugged. ‘At least with no one in your town, it would be easy to get elected each year,’ he said.

  ‘It was awful,’ Al Dark said. ‘But now the streets, my streets, are full of people.’

  The top-hatted scientist shifted in his seat. ‘But if no one has been living here for such a long time, then who built all the amazing attractions?’ This made Al Dark puff up his chest with pride. ‘I did—with my own hands. I’ve spent years making them all look real.’

  Kipp gasped, realising that Al Dark had deceived everyone. Then he quickly slapped his hand over his mouth.

  Al Dark swivelled his chair around and stared out the window, holding his flexed fingers in a pyramid shape in front of his face and drumming his fingertips together, in the way evil villains always seem to do.

  ‘That’s why I needed the stay-forever clause in the contracts,’ Al Dark explained. ‘Everyone will be contractually obliged to stay here, and then they’ll pay taxes, and I’ll hire builders to build all the real attractions. And I’ll sit back and enjoy being the mayor of it all. Isn’t it a wonderful plan?’

  The top-hatted scientist cleared his throat. ‘Actually, Fal, I’m not so sure it is. I mean we…’ The top-hatted scientist glanced at the creepy scientist, as if asking her if she wanted to finish his sentence, but the look she gave him back said, no, no, you’re doing fine all by yourself. The top-hatted scientist frowned and continued. ‘We were expecting that we’d have important positions in this town.’

  Al Dark swivelled his chair back to face them. ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Where did you get that crazy idea?’

  ‘I think,’ said the creepy scientist, ‘it was right about the time you promised us we would.’ Al Dark chuckled. ‘Oh, I see where you got confused. Isn’t it hilarious how these little misunderstandings happen?’

  The top-hatted scientist stood up. ‘No it isn’t hilarious, Wal, it’s treacherous.’

  ‘I knew it.’ The creepy scientist threw her hands up. ‘I never should have put that giant popcorn machine on my credit card.’

  Al Dark held up a hand. ‘Please, don’t distress yourselves. As it happens, I have something important for you to do.’

  The top-hatted scientist’s eyes opened wide. ‘You mean, I can be president?’

  Al Dark chuckled. ‘No, of course not! But remember how you always wanted to capture that Kindle boy so you could figure out how his invisibility works, and create an invisibility serum to make people disappear?’

  Kipp had a bad feeling in his stomach about this. Or perhaps it was the curry he had for lunch.

  The top-hatted scientist nodded eagerly. ‘I only ever managed to do enough experiments to learn how to make an invisibility paste that only works on small inanimate things like those pamphlets. But to be able to finish my experiments on that boy, would be magnificent.’

  Kipp glanced at the window. It was open just far enough for a boy his size to jump through.

  ‘Well, it just so happens,’ Al Dark said, standing up, ‘that the invisible boy is in this room, crouching in the corner over there.’

  Kipp took off.

  The top-hatted scientist spun in his direction, and the creepy scientist launched from her seat. But neither of them was fast enough to get to Kipp before he sprang across the room and leapt out the window.

  ‘Oh,’ Al Dark said, smiling. ‘Sorry, I stand corrected. He’s not in the corner anymore. I’m guessing he’s in the sack trap I hung for him just outside the window.’

  Why do evil villains hold their fingers in a pyramid in front of their face and drum their fingertips together? No one else ever does this. You never see a doctor holding her fingers in a pyramid in front of her face and drumming her fingertips while you are telling her about an unusual wart you found on your big toe. Or a baby holding his fingers in a pyramid in front of his face and drumming his fingertips while he is waiting for one of his parents to cut the umbilical cord. That’s because this pose is useful only for coming up with evil plans, because evil-plan muscles are in the ends of your fingertips, which is why most of the world’s greatest villains have also been pianists.

  Al Dark had done a lot of evil pyramid-finger drumming, and as such he had come up with a lot of evil plans. But this was undoubtedly his most evil plan yet. He had repeatedly outsmarted Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany when he’d been roaming about Huggabie Falls showing people the utterly indescribable thing—which they couldn’t see, but which had the effect of making them feel that unless they moved to Near Huggabie Falls immediately they would miss out on something wonderful—and he’d guessed that Kipp was going to come to Near Huggabie Falls and sneak into his office. So Al Dark had left the window open to look like an escape route, and he had set a sack trap right outside it.

  Al Dark led the creepy scientist and the top-hatted scientist outside to a sack hanging below the window, with the shape of a boy kicking his arms and legs inside it.

  It was no use Kipp trying to escape, because the top of the sack had been drawn tight as soon as he had dropped into it.

  Al Dark unhooked the sack and handed it to the top-hatted scientist. ‘One invisible boy for your invisibility experiments,’ he said.

  The top-hatted scientist slung the sack, with the thrashing boy inside, over his shoulder. ‘That’s good enough for me,’ he said. ‘I can’t wait to get back to work.’

  ‘Wait a second,’ the creepy scientist snarled. ‘That might be good enough for him, but I was the one trying to stop weirdness, remember? I don’t want an invisible boy.’

  Al Dark sighed. ‘Fine, you can return the giant popcorn maker you bought, because I have one in my dining room that you can keep.’

  The snarl instantly disappeared from the creepy scientist’s face. But she still looked quite annoyed. ‘You think all I need is a popcorn machine?’

  Al Dark said nothing.

  ‘Well, you’re exactly right,’ she squealed. ‘I love popcorn.’

  Al Dark smirked, knowing that he had omitted the detail about the popcorn maker only being able to pop one kernel of corn at a time. ‘Good. Well, now that’s settled, why don’t you both come to the grand opening ceremony. This is the dawning of a new era for Near Huggabie Falls,’ Al Dark said, and he led the creepy scientist and the top-hatted scientist with the sack over his shoulder to the stage with the throne on it, in the middle of the town.

  All the people standing in queues watched the stage, eagerly waiting for all the promised excitement to begin.

  ‘What about the other two children?’ the top-hatted scientist said as he struggled with the squirming sack up the steps and onto the stage.

  Al Dark chuckled. ‘Surely you know by now, that I am an expert fingertips drummer, which means that they will never outsmart me. They’re just over there, by the way, wearing those ridiculous disguises.’ Al Dark motioned to two children standing beside the stage: a girl, who had a weird stance, like she was used to standing with a satchel but didn’t have one, and a boy in black clothes. They were both wearing oversized cowboy hats and fake noses and moustaches.

  Al Dark sniggered. ‘My guards are watching them. They’ll never make it anywhere near the stage. And, besides, they’re probably waiting for their invisible friend to come back.’ He patted the squirming sack, which increased its squirming, but then slumped, exhausted, and let out a loud sigh.

  Al Dark climbed up onto the stage and picked up the microphone. ‘People of Near Huggabie Falls,’ he began.

  All eyes were fixed on him. Which is not to say everyone had taken their eyes out of their eye sockets and attached them to
him, but that everyone was looking up at Al Dark on the stage. Then everyone cheered, because they had been waiting so long for something to happen.

  The two children in the cowboy hats and fake noses and moustaches looked anxious and fidgety, and it wasn’t because those fake moustaches were super itchy—although they were. Al Dark grinned at their obvious anxiousness and fidgety-ness. He made some subtle hand gestures and a group of women and men in black suits and sunglasses started moving through the crowd towards the children, fanning out and surrounding them.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ the top-hatted scientist said. ‘If no one lives in Near Huggabie Falls, where did those guards come from?’

  ‘I hired them,’ Al Dark whispered out the side of his mouth.

  ‘What for?’ the creepy scientist whispered back.

  Al Dark glared at her. ‘So that I look as important as I am,’ he said. ‘And for crowd control.’

  He turned back to the crowd with a welcoming smile. ‘I’m so glad to see so many new faces in Near Huggabie Falls. As mayor, I promise you this town is the most exciting town ever, and all our soon-to-open attractions are the best in the whole world.’ Al Dark smirked, thinking to himself that by the time they found out that wasn’t true, it would be too late for them to leave, as they’d all signed those contracts, which stated that in twenty minutes, none of them would ever be able to leave Near Huggabie Falls, so all the attractions he’d built to attract them wouldn’t be needed anymore.

  ‘But, first,’ Al Dark continued, ‘I want to show you this short Welcome-to-Near-Huggabie-Falls video, which takes,’ he smirked again, ‘about twenty minutes. And after that all the attractions will open.’ The crowd cheered. ‘And you will never want to leave Near Huggabie Falls.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Or be able to,’ he mumbled under his breath.

  Al Dark picked up the remote control on the arm of his throne and clicked a big green button. He took a deep satisfied breath. By the end of the video it would be too late for anyone to leave Near Huggabie Falls. Sure, they wouldn’t be happy about all the fake attractions, and all the exorbitant taxes he was planning to charge, which would partly be used to make Near Huggabie Falls a town where people didn’t die of boredom, but also to fund the Al Dark worldwide advertising campaign to ensure he was the most famous and most remembered person in the world.

  The crowd hushed, as crowds often do when videos are about to begin. Then the video began with a scene of a house built on a rollercoaster. On the final car of the rollercoaster a group of people were gathered around a small tin building.

  ‘Oh, I remember this,’ said former Huggabie Falls resident Baboo Buggington, removing a photograph of the exact same scene from his pocket. ‘It was Pidge Priestly’s garage sale.’

  ‘What a great day that was,’ said another man. ‘Remember the delicious but messy sausages from the sausage sizzle? You had to pour your sauce when you were at the top of the loop-de-loop, so you could catch it on your sausage at the bottom.’

  There were excited rumblings throughout the crowd, as former Huggabie Falls residents chatted about all the things they’d bought at Pidge Priestly’s garage sale and had subsequently lost because they hadn’t held onto them tightly enough on the loop-de-loop.

  ‘Are there any houses built on rollercoasters in Near Huggabie Falls?’ Pidge Priestly asked, from the line he was waiting in. ‘I was in such a hurry to sign my contract, I never checked. I hope the houses here aren’t all built on the boring old ground. I can’t live in a house that isn’t moving all the time—I get unmotion sickness.’ Pidge sighed. ‘I miss my old house.’

  ‘We all do, Pidge,’ said the woman beside him.

  Al Dark roared and spun around, looking for the remote control, which presumably had an off button. ‘This is the wrong video,’ he bellowed. He got down on his hands and knees and crawled around the base of the throne. ‘Where’s that remote control? I put it down just a second ago.’

  The video was now showing Mrs Bott holding one of her famous apple pies. Wisps of steam drifted from it. Everyone in the crowd simultaneously inhaled deep breaths through their noses. ‘It’s strange,’ said one woman, ‘but I think I can actually smell one of Mrs Bott’s amazing apple pies right now.’

  ‘Oh sorry, that’s me,’ said Carnival Crimp. ‘I’ve still got a slice in my pocket from a pie Mrs Bott made last Thursday.’

  Mrs Bott sighed, from another line. ‘That might be the last slice ever. My apple tree that produced all the delicious apples is back in Huggabie Falls.’

  The crowd gasped at the thought of never again having another Mrs Bott apple pie.

  Al Dark sprang to his feet and jerked this way and that, looking all around. ‘Someone has taken my remote control,’ he whined. ‘How did someone get up here and swap the video without me seeing?’

  ‘Yoo-hoo,’ said a voice from the crowd. It was the girl with the cowboy hat and the fake nose and moustache. She smiled at Al Dark, as she held up the remote control and waggled it at him.

  If it is possible for a face to go bright red and steam to shoot out of ears, then that’s what Al Dark’s face and ears were doing. ‘Get them,’ he roared, as he climbed down from the stage and sprinted towards the disguised children. ‘I need to stop this video. Get them.’

  No one paid any attention to Al Dark, as everyone was transfixed by the video.

  A turnip appeared next on the screen.

  Mrs Turgan’s face lit up. ‘I remember that boy,’ she said. ‘Young Artemis Afoot. I turned him into a turnip in a particularly brilliant transformation. Ah, what good times.’ But then she stopped laughing. ‘But, do they have magic in Near Huggabie Falls? I never thought to check before I signed my contract.’

  The crowd contemplated a town without magic. Glum looks started to spread.

  Al Dark was now weaving his way through various lines of people towards the disguised children, shouting, ‘Get them,’ as he went. His guards must have finally realised that he was talking to them, as they converged on the children.

  The disguised boy in black and the disguised satchel-less girl, who was now holding a remote control, stood back to back. They watched the circle of guards closing in on them, and they both let out a little squeak of fear—there looked to be no conceivable escape.

  But as the first guard stepped forward to grab the boy, she fell, and just before she face-planted into the ground she noticed that her shoelaces had somehow become tied together. Then the guard beside her tripped over what seemed to be his own feet and he fell to the ground as well, straight into the path of another guard, who had never been very good at hurdles, never mind hurdling toppling guards, and he tripped over the toppling guard and became a toppling guard himself. And then a fourth guard, who was lunging for the boy and the girl in disguises, had the rug pulled out from under her.

  Now, you know how I feel about expressions, but this one takes the biscuit. The expression ‘To have the rug pulled out from under you’, in most cases has nothing to do with rugs—it means to suddenly have support removed. But not in this case. As the fourth guard sprang forward an actual rug was pulled out from under her. She skittled sideways and dived head first into a giant pyramid of cupcakes, which all had an impression of Al Dark’s face in the icing. This resulted in a cupcake explosion, and soon there were Al Dark cupcakes raining down on everyone.

  The one last guard who could have grabbed the two disguised children, toppled sharply as soon as the cupcakes began falling. Unbeknownst to everyone else, but knownst to him, the guard’s greatest temptation was cupcakes, and as they poured down all around him, the left side of his face twitched. A second later he was lying on his back on a carpet of cupcakes gleefully stuffing them into his mouth.

  Al Dark shoved his way through the crowd and the cupcakes, and stood over the fallen guards. ‘How can the five of you fail to catch two children you have surrounded? How am I supposed to be great if you are so useless?’

  Despite all the commotion, the Near Huggabie Falls r
esidents had not taken their eyes off the screen, which now displayed a pirate ship. ‘Oh look,’ said a woman. ‘It’s Mr Haurik’s pirate ship.’

  ‘Arrr…’ Mr Haurik said, but it wasn’t a good Arrr, it was a bad Arrr, as if he couldn’t quite say it anymore. ‘That’s no pirate ship. I ain’t no murderous scavenger of the seas.’

  ‘Not a pirate,’ Mr Haurik’s parrot squawked. ‘And I’m not a pirate’s parrot.’

  The crowd chuckled. ‘Good old Mr Haurik,’ Lemonade Limmer said.

  Lemonade seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, as she often did.

  Mr Haurik dropped his head. ‘Arrr…that’s me ship be back in Huggabie Falls. I do miss that fine nautical vessel.’

  ‘I don’t know what you think you’re doing,’ roared Al Dark at the disguised children. ‘Give me that remote control.’

  The two disguised children bolted along the side of the stage, only to find their escape route blocked by the creepy scientist and the top-hatted scientist, who was still holding the sack full of invisible boy. Al Dark moved into position behind the children, blocking any escape back the way they had come.

  The two disguised children turned slowly to face him, and Al Dark loomed above them, his children-catching hands flexing. ‘You children may have been able to escape from my clumsy-footed guards,’ he sneered. ‘But you won’t get away from me. I’ll take that,’ he said, and he reached out and wrenched the remote control from Cymphany’s hand.

  Behind them the crowd went awwwww as another image, presumably of Huggabie Falls, came up on the screen.

  Al Dark shook his head at the two disguised children. ‘I know what you’re trying to do. But it won’t work, and you’re almost out of time. I’m stopping this unscheduled broadcast right now’—his thumb moved towards the red stop button on the remote control—‘and there is nothing you two, or your invisible friend, can do about it. I am the hero of this story.’