A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  As she lay in bed that night, she looked out her window at the big oak tree. How easy it had been to be a little girl. When all she had to do was wake up, get dressed and climb that tree. She’d spend hours tackling those limbs, trying to reach the highest parts, while her mother called out to her to get down, that it was dangerous, that she was going to fall from it, and get seriously hurt.

  Her father, in the afternoons, would ask, “How far up did you get today, Marnie?” It would be like a secret between the two of them, because her mother hadn’t wanted her to climb, but her father thought it would be okay. Finally, one day, her mom gave in and agreed to let her go. That was the biggest problem she remembered having, whether or not she was allowed to climb her tree. If only, if only that was all she had to face now.

  Now though, as she looked out to the dark skies, and at that tree, she thought about the decisions she had to make, and what was happening inside her body. She knew she had to come up with a solution, an alternative to fixing what had happened. She knew she couldn’t just climb up into the tree to make everything better.

  Early Monday morning, Marnie woke slowly, and shook herself into consciousness. She got up, showered, packed her belongings, and made a mental checklist. Her grades were fucked. Her friendships were suffering. In fact, every relationship she had was on the fringe of disaster. Her parents… she didn’t know what her parents would do or say when they found out. They trusted her. They had told her she was independent and mature enough to be left alone most of the summer to work and go to class while they were at the lake, and this is how she thanked them? By being on the verge of failing out of college, becoming pregnant by a guy who had only used her? Had used her to make an ex-girlfriend – or quite possibly, not even an ex-girlfriend, according to the grandmother – jealous. What kind of guy was he? What kind of guy had he been? And what kind of guy would he be if Marnie was brave enough to call him, to tell him what he had done, what they had done together. What kind of man would Joe turn out to be?

  Marnie was finally able to think that she didn’t want to know. That she wanted to just get back to school, somehow repair the damage she caused in her friendships, and her schoolwork, and just get through the end of the semester.

  She was ready to be responsible for her actions. With or without Joe, and now she completely knew it was going to be without Joe. She was going to put it all behind her. Everything. Her decision was made.

  Chapter Forty

  The Pregnancy – March 2004

  Unlike her last client, this family was a breeze to work with. Marnie’s photography business was growing thanks to her website and the marketing plans she had implemented and she found that she was finally getting some steady business. She had been scheduling her client photo shoots on Fridays and Saturdays when Stuart was home to watch the boys, and today’s client wasn’t even going to take the full two hours she allotted. The family wanted to do outside shots so Marnie suggested they go to a dilapidated farm close to their home. The weather was crisp and clear, a perfect on-the-verge of spring day. There was only a bit of snow left on the ground, but Marnie chose a spot where the sun had melted most of it, and wildflowers had already begun to bloom.

  These clients came to Marnie through another client who’d found her from her new website, Krettsphotos.com. She had spent a lot of money on branding and building the website but it had been worth it. People were discovering her and her business was growing. So much so, that Marnie thought she soon might need to hire an assistant to handle the office tasks and client scheduling. What she had hoped would be a simple part-time gig to keep her busy was now becoming very prosperous. She was getting recommendations from clients and didn’t need to do any advertising aside from her website. She wasn’t sure what she’d do when the baby arrived, but knew she’d figure it out.

  As Marnie had requested, the family arrived on time, when the sunlight was just right for taking photos. One thing that had surprised Marnie about the family when they showed up was that the mother was very pregnant. Not that it mattered for the photo session, but she hadn’t mentioned it to Marnie when she booked them.

  Now Marnie would have to take the obligatory baby bump photos where everyone gazed at the mom’s belly and held onto it, and she herself being pregnant and not having the best reception at home, well, it wasn’t something she was actually up for. Still, she smiled at the family and oohed, “Oh, you didn’t mention the bun in the oven! This will be fun!”

  “Oh yes!” the mom glowed, “We’re getting our boy!” She said as two beautiful ginger-haired girls followed behind.

  “Wonderful!” Marnie feigned. “Let’s get started.”

  An hour into the shoot, Marnie was grateful for their cooperation.

  “Now, if Shana and Kaitlyn will stand over here by these wildflowers, I think that’ll make a gorgeous backdrop,” Marnie suggested. The little darlings were totally into posing so Marnie knew the photo shoot was going to be over soon. Then Marnie could get home, get the photos digitally set, cropped and ready for the consult tomorrow, where they’d choose the best poses. If she’d get done in time today like she thought she would, she’d even have time for a nap.

  Marnie was shooting anywhere from two to four clients a weekend and it was taking up a ton of her time. She hadn’t found time to go to the doctor yet, and she and Stuart still hadn’t had a heart-to-heart talk about her being pregnant. He was completely avoiding her, and with both of their schedules, it wasn’t hard to sidestep the baby discussion. They had been treading lightly, being extremely polite to one another, but never speaking about the baby. She knew eventually there would be a blow-up, and she was scared to death about it coming soon.

  Chapter Forty-One

  November 1988

  “I have to do it,” Marnie whispered into the phone.

  “Marnie, it’s two a.m. Are you okay?” Collette asked.

  “I made up my mind. Will you come with?”

  Marnie waited long enough, and Collette had been calling her every other day to ask her if she had made her decision and if she needed help. It wasn’t happening. She knew. Deep down, she knew all along, and while she had hoped it would happen on its own, it hadn’t.

  She couldn’t have a baby. She was nineteen. She was in college. Her whole life was ahead of her. The guy who had done this to her wanted nothing to do with her. She knew this now. She knew when his grandmother had said the other girl’s name.

  But she couldn’t do it alone, and she certainly couldn’t tell her parents. Marnie knew Collette would help her. Collette wanted to help her weeks ago, when she should have done this. If she had, it would be all over by now. Marnie had enough money to take care of this on her own, thank God. Thank God for her summer job at The Bean. Of course, she would have no money left after. No money for the rest of the semester, but that would be okay. She wouldn’t need any more money because she planned on never going out ever again. She planned on… she didn’t know what she ever planned on doing again. Her only plan was to solve this immediate problem and to hopefully get her life figured out.

  Collette picked Marnie up at school, and together they took the highway to the clinic. At first, Collette tried to make small talk, to ask how school was, but Marnie could barely speak, a lump had filled her throat. In her heart, she felt like what she was doing was wrong, she wanted to tell Collette to turn around, to make it all go away. She wanted to tell Collette to please tell her it was all just a bad dream, wasn’t it? Because this couldn’t be happening to Marnie, could it be? Wasn’t she a smart girl? This wasn’t supposed to be happening to her. But it was.

  She sat, cross-legged, fingers clamped tight, and silent in the car, looking at the landscape as they drove. Tears filled behind her eyes and she squeezed them shut. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t deserve to cry over this. This was her doing. She brought this all about on her own. Her own stupidity. Who did she really think she was? Thinking this couldn’t happen to her.

  When they were almost
there, Marnie said, “Can you pull over?”

  Collette said, “Sure, there’s an exit about three miles ahead.”

  “No, now.”

  Collette moved to the right lane, flashed her hazards, and pulled to the side of the highway. When the car came to a complete stop, Marnie opened her door and swung her legs out of the car. She leaned her head between her legs and threw up. Then she began to sob with everything she had. Her whole body shook. Collette opened her door and ran to Marnie’s side.

  “Oh Marnie, oh honey. I am so sorry. Are you okay?”

  “I just… I… I needed air. I couldn’t breathe,” Marnie cried, heavy sobs still coming.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re doing the right thing. You know this, right?” Collette rubbed Marnie’s back.

  “I know. I know. I just need… to breathe. I can’t breathe.” Marnie sucked in air like she had never filled her lungs before.

  “Do you need water?”

  “Yeah,” Marnie swallowed.

  Collette got Marnie the water they had brought, and she drank some. They sat for a while longer and Marnie stopped sobbing.

  “I’m okay now. I’m okay.”

  “You sure?”

  Marnie looked into her best friend’s eyes, so thankful to have her there. “Yeah. I’m okay. We can go now.”

  When they arrived, Marnie saw from the car there were a few protestors holding signs, and this frightened her. She was afraid one of them would get grab her by the elbow, tell her about her baby, about how it had eyelids and toes now, and that the baby had feelings and it would love her, and that she should keep it. Marnie was afraid one of the women would snag her away from Collette and tell her that all she needed was love to be able to raise a baby, and that she should have it. She was afraid they could convince her to keep it.

  As they approached the building one woman tried to give them a pamphlet but Collette shook her head and held Marnie close to her. A couple of people held posters with newspaper articles and magazine photos of embryos and full-term babies. Marnie clamped her eyes shut as Collette led the way, but not before she saw women carrying swaddled baby dolls and signs about infertile women wanting to adopt. Marnie still felt sick to her stomach, but she kept her head down while they hurried into the clinic. She was terrified of what was going to happen, but was so relieved that Collette was with her.

  The clinic was stark, sterile, and clean, and Marnie sighed with relief once inside. She glanced around and was shocked to see girls clearly younger than she was, some appearing to show no remorse or sadness. An older woman in the corner cried. Marnie felt a pang in her chest. Collette nudged at her and she went to the front desk and signed in.

  “Sit down and wait for your name to be called,” the receptionist instructed. Marnie had hoped for a small bit of reassurance from the woman, a smile or a nod. Marnie wanted to tell her she didn’t really want to do this, felt horrible about it, but she had no other choice.

  Then she remembered she was thankful that at least she did have a choice.

  Collette sat with Marnie, flipping through a magazine. Headlines like, “Better Sex with the Guy You Love,” and “How To Make Him Yours in Six Easy Moves.” Marnie could see the irony in it.

  “You okay?” Collette glanced up from the magazine.

  “Not really.”

  “You’ll be okay. You’ll just need some time.”

  “I guess. Thanks for coming with me,” Marnie added.

  “I’m just sorry you have to go through all of this.”

  “Me too. And the fact that he has absolutely no idea this is happening, that he could be a father if I… ” Marnie paused, her eyes filling again. “It’s just not fair. And it makes me so angry to think we had something more than… That I thought we had something more than… We could have been… ”

  “I know,” Collette touched Marnie’s arm.

  The door opened and the nurse called out names, emotionless, as if she had called hundreds of names before. She probably had. “Marnie Kretts.”

  Marnie stood, then looked down at Collette.

  “You want me to come with?”

  “Yeah, can you?”

  Marnie and Collette followed the nurse to the back room.

  “Which one?” the nurse asked.

  Marnie hesitated.

  “Which one of you is having the procedure?”

  “Oh. Me.” Marnie whispered, wishing it wasn’t her, trying to move outside of her body so that she didn’t have to feel any of this, she just wanted to get it over with.

  “Okay, your friend can come in for the consult, but then she’ll have to wait.” The nurse finally smiled. It felt like a gift.

  “Thank you.”

  “Someone will be with you in a minute.”

  When the door closed and it was just Marnie and Collette, Marnie finally said what she had been thinking the whole morning: “I don’t think I can go through with this.”

  Marnie noticed the color drain from Collette’s face. “It’s just, I’m scared. And it’s a baby. A real baby. How could I do this to a human being?” Marnie continued, waiting for the flush of color to return to Collette’s cheeks.

  “Marn. You can’t. I mean, you have to.”

  “I… I know… but.”

  “Look. Marnie, I can imagine how you feel, but it’s your life too. You can’t just let some guy sweep in like he did, and then, leave you… like this. With a baby. You can’t live the rest of your life with a child and no father. Especially with no father.”

  “Oh God. I know, but… ”

  “You don’t have a job. Your parents would absolutely freak. You have to think of everyone else who’ll be affected if you kept it. You can’t. You know that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not. You’re a kind, good person, who never deserved to be treated this way by such a jackass… ”

  “But, he doesn’t know. If he knew… ”

  “Marnie, if he knew, he would have convinced you to do this the moment you told him, and you know what, you would have done it. You would have absolutely done it the second he told you to, and then he would have just dropped you again, forgot you even existed. Like he has already.”

  The words stung Marnie, and she wiped at falling tears, but she knew Collette was right. He would have never wanted this. He hadn’t even wanted her.

  There was a light tap on the door and a middle-aged man entered the room. He appeared pleasant. Marnie wondered how he could like his job, like doing what he was going to do to her and to her baby. How could a man do this and then go home to his family, maybe even his own children and not think about how his days are spent, how he makes his paycheck? How could he look at his children and think he spent the day ending lives of other children, just because the mother said to do so.

  Marnie felt like she had to throw up again.

  “Morning. I’m Dr. Benquist. Who’s Marnie?”

  “Me.”

  “And you? Moral support?” he addressed Collette.

  “Yes. Collette.”

  Dr. Benquist nodded. “Nice of you to come for her.” Then he addressed Marnie, “Okay, I have to ask some personal questions now. You want your friend to stay for this part?”

  “Please.” Marnie exhaled.

  “Okay, so, let’s get started. This your first pregnancy?”

  “Yes.”

  “And the father?” he asked.

  “My dad doesn’t know. Neither does my mom,” Marnie admitted.

  “No. I’m talking about the father of the… ” Dr. Benquist hesitated. Baby, Marnie thought.

  “The boy who got you pregnant? Is he aware?”

  “No. We’re not in touch any longer.”

  “Okay.”

  “When was your last period?”

  “August.”

  “Do you know the exact date?”

  “Uh, I’m not sure. Maybe the fifth or sixth.”

  Dr. Benquist pulled out a calendar tool of some sort and slid it around.


  “Do you realize you’re probably well into your second trimester already? You might even be thirteen or fourteen weeks.”

  “I didn’t know. I don’t… ”

  “I’m just saying, you’ve waited too long. I don’t mean too long to get the procedure done– ”

  “Abortion.” Marnie whispered.

  “Yes, I know what it’s called. And, I have to be very clear with you. An abortion at this stage is a… well, it’s going to be harder on your body than if you had come four weeks, heck, even two weeks ago, your body would have been able to handle it better. But, well, I’ve done them on patients up to sixteen weeks, so I can do this one, but, let me just tell you. You’re going to be in pain. And you will probably bleed for a month afterward, maybe more.”

  Marnie nodded, mentally preparing herself. She wanted to just yell at the guy, to tell him to get her on the table and get it over with already. Get it over and done with so she can go back to being a normal college student. She wanted to feel normal again, and she hadn’t felt normal since before she met Joe.

  “Okay, then.” Dr. Benquist leaned over and pulled out a paper robe. “Put this on. I’ll be back in a minute. I need to do a quick check of your uterus, and then we can get started. Your friend can stay until I come back.” The doctor nodded, but didn’t offer a smile and walked out the door.

  Marnie burst into tears, and Collette moved to her. “It’s going to be okay, Marn. It’ll all be over soon.”

  Marnie couldn’t control the sobbing, and her face grew hot and splotchy and she felt her heart tearing up inside of her, fearing she was doing the wrong thing, but knowing it was too far now to make any other changes.

  “You should get changed,” Collette suggested. Marnie reached for the robe, and removed her shirt. She saw Collette staring at her chest.