A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  “I know, they’re so huge now, and they hurt all the time.” Marnie tried to smile, but the tears came again.

  “You’ve got to hold it together. I think he’ll be a lot nicer if you don’t act all scared and such. He’s just trying to get through his day.”

  Marnie whimpered. “So am I. Me too. I just want to get through my day too.”

  Marnie took off her jeans, the ones she had not been able to button. She kept her socks and her underwear on.

  When the doctor returned, there was a nurse with him. “This is Renda. She’ll be assisting in the procedure.”

  Abortion! It’s a fucking abortion and I don’t want to do this but I’ve got no other choice! Call it an abortion because that’s exactly what it is! Marnie wished she were strong enough to yell the words. She should have been; if she were going to be strong enough to do what she was about to do, telling the doctor her thoughts shouldn’t be too hard.

  But then Renda smiled at Marnie, and it was a smile that said she felt sorry for Marnie, and that she knew Marnie was not a bad person for doing this, that she imagined Marnie had run out of choices, and that everything was going to be all right. “Your friend can wait outside now,” Dr. Benquist said, nodding to the door.

  “Collette,” Marnie said. She figured the asshole could at least address her friend by her first name.

  “Yes, I’m sorry. Collette, would you mind waiting out there?”

  “Bye Marnie,” Collette headed out and Marnie bent her head down, busying herself with the paper robe.

  “We’ll come get you after she’s in recovery,” Renda said.

  With Collette gone, the doctor turned his attention to Marnie. “Okay, you can lie down now. I want to check your uterus.”

  Marnie did as she was told, and the doctor shifted the paper robe over to palpitate Marnie’s lower abdomen.

  “Hon, you’ll need to take these off,” Renda patted at Marnie’s underwear.

  Marnie slid them off, as modestly as she could, and then lay back onto the lightly padded table.

  Renda touched her arm. “We’re going to give you an IV with a sedative, and some other medication since you’re a bit further along than most.”

  Marnie nodded and she felt the prick of a needle as Renda worked to get the IV put into place.

  The doctor kept pressing on her belly, and then asked Marnie to move down to the bottom of the table, and to place her feet into the stirrups.

  “Don’t worry,” Renda assured Marnie, “The sedative will kick in quickly.”

  Marnie nodded, and soon she felt a curtain of fog spread through her as her senses began to soften. She was able to move out of her body, but not out of the room. She wished for anything, thought of a beach, a hammock, tried to move her thoughts to happier times, but the most recent she could think of were times when she was with Joe, which caused her to tense up again, until she remembered the sedative and tried to do some slow deep breathing.

  She felt the doctor push her knees apart, and heard Renda ask her to move further down on the table. Marnie felt something small and slick slide inside her and heard the doctor mumble to Renda, then she heard Renda say okay. She clenched her teeth and squeezed shut her eyes, tried to tell herself this was no worse than a regular pap smear; tried to imagine that’s all that was happening to her. Then she felt the speculum edge its way into her body. Marnie tried to fake her mind into thinking she was just there for her usual exam, but she couldn’t get past the reason for her being there.

  Images of tiny babies floated through her mind, tiny babies with fully formed fingers, eyes clamped tight, lungs sucking, feet kicking. She couldn’t stop these thoughts, and as much as she tried, the images continued to float in front of her closed eyes.

  She heard the clanking of what she figured was a steel bowl and sterile medical equipment. She felt the ooze between her legs and a scraping sensation and she instinctively tightened her vaginal muscles.

  “Loosen up,” the doctor instructed. Renda moved toward the top of the table, put a cool cloth on Marnie’s forehead.

  “Are you all right?”

  Marnie tightened up her face, tried to move her mouth to say yes, but instead, her head shook from side to side.

  “You’re doing just fine. He’ll be done soon.”

  But that was a lie. It wasn’t soon. At least not for Marnie. She felt the scraping, and the pulling, and imagined everything she absolutely shouldn’t have been thinking of. Baby’s birthday parties and booties, feedings at two a.m., a first smile, giggles and coos, a teeny newborn finger grasped around her own finger.

  Then: “I’ll need suction.”

  Renda moved away from Marnie, patting her shoulder on her way back to the end of her baby. She heard a machine click on and couldn’t help but think of her mother’s Hoover vacuum, sucking up all the dust and the cobwebs and the mistakes of her life.

  The biggest mistake.

  And the biggest regret, she was sure of this.

  The absolute greatest mistake Marnie had ever made.

  She was absolutely sure.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  The Pregnancy – April 2004

  “So, according to your last period, if that date is correct, you think you’re about eighteen weeks pregnant?”

  “Yes, that’s about right.”

  The nurse looked at Marnie’s midsection. “And you have two children at home?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “You’re hardly showing,” the nurse exclaimed.

  “Is that bad?” Marnie asked.

  “Well, no. It’s just that with a third pregnancy, they usually pop at like week six, and you’re almost halfway through. Maybe it’s how you’re built.”

  Marnie stretched her neck to see her nametag, and discovered this nurse, who was beginning to annoy her, was named Agatha.

  “So let’s weigh you, shall we?” Agatha said.

  Marnie hopped up onto the scale. She was still wearing all of her clothes, and when Agatha got the number, and compared it to her chart, she clicked her tongue like an upset sorority house mother.

  “You were here last May for your annual, and you’re six pounds less than what you weighed back then,” Agatha accused.

  “Well, I’ve been walking a few times a week, and maybe I lost weight before I got pregnant?” Marnie offered.

  “Let’s see what the doctor says. He’ll probably order an ultrasound.”

  “Okay.”

  “Let me get your history updated. Age?”

  “Thirty-four.”

  “Number of pregnancies.”

  Marnie always lied on this one. “Two. Not including this one.”

  “Number of living children.”

  “Two.”

  Marnie’s eyes welled with tears.

  Agatha glanced her way. “What’s the matter, hon?”

  “Um, I’m just worried about this pregnancy.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not gaining weight, I guess. I haven’t had the same symptoms as before. I guess I feel weird because I don’t feel weird.”

  Agatha actually took the time to pat Marnie’s hand, to give her some reassurance. “We’ll get the doctor in here, he’ll talk to you, do your exam, and put your mind at ease.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Agatha went through the rest of Marnie’s history, took her blood pressure, temperature, had her pee in a cup, and change into a gown. Twenty minutes later, the doctor was in, one Marnie had never met before. It had been a long time since she needed to see an OB, and since she had waited far too long for an appointment, she took the first available.

  “Hi, I’m Dr. Berkowski.”

  Marnie didn’t know what it was about Dr. Berkowski. Maybe it was his warm smile, or his firm handshake, or even his crisp white doctor’s coat, but she liked him and trusted him immediately. She knew she needed to trust him, because for some reason, being at this appointment suddenly made her feel scared about this pregnancy. Made it
feel more real, and the fact that she had gone this long without going to the doctor terrified her. She couldn’t believe she had waited this long. With Jeremy and Trey she had been on the phone making doctor’s appointments the minute the stick turned positive.

  Marnie gave Dr. Berkowski a timid wave from her perch upon the examining table.

  “And how are you today, Ms. Werner?”

  “Little nervous.”

  Dr. Berkowski consulted Marnie’s records and then looked up, “But you’ve done this once or twice – why the jitters?”

  “It’s been a few years, and well, this one’s a bit complicated,” Marnie looked down at her tummy, touched it.

  Dr. Berkowski strolled over to the roll-away chair and sat down next to the examining table. “How so?”

  “I waited a little while to come here. I guess I’m about eighteen weeks along, and well, my husband’s not really thrilled that I’m pregnant. We haven’t even talked about it. I mean, he knows, I told him, but he got angry and we haven’t talked. At all. I’m not making excuses for him, well, maybe I am, but he’s a pilot so he’s gone all the time, but he said he didn’t want any more children, and I, well, we… and… I haven’t gained any weight. Well, my boys, when they were born, I only gained like sixteen pounds with each of them, and they only weighed about six pounds – so they weren’t big babies – so maybe this is normal for me. I don’t know?”

  “Hmmm.”

  Marnie appreciated that Dr. Berkowski offered no judgment. Because of this, she gave more information. “He really didn’t want another baby. I did. So, you see, here I am, but really, I mean, he was there too. This didn’t just happen by itself. And well, my boys, they just want a puppy, and it’s been kind of easy to ignore the situation… ”

  “Marnie,” Dr. Berkowski interrupted.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m not a therapist, I can’t help you with your marriage. I’m your doctor. I’m here to make sure your baby’s healthy. I’m glad that you’re here to take care of your baby, and I can appreciate your situation at home, and that you’re anxious, but now, let’s make sure that your baby’s on track. Let’s see what’s going on in there?” He smiled kindly at her, and patted her hand gently.

  The doctor’s kind demeanor, his smile and his words of encouragement eased Marnie’s fears. She felt instantly better, sensing that everything would be all right.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  December 1988

  Marnie had been pouring coffee for one of the regulars at the back counter, and she knew immediately. Even though her back was to him, the hairs on her neck stood as the door to The Bean swung open and the frigid December air swept in. She turned in time to see the back of him as he took a seat at the same booth the two of them had shared over the summer. Where they had spent hours holding hands, touching the insides of each other’s wrists, rubbing the soft pads of their fingertips, searching out each other’s thumbprints. Hand foreplay. They spent late afternoons talking and drinking Brazilian blend, heavy-loaded, until they had had enough coffee and finger foreplay they had to go find something else to do with their caffeine-induced energy.

  For a moment, she went numb, then got control of herself.

  She stepped back into the heat of the kitchen, and felt her cheeks flush, from fear and from the kitchen ovens where they baked morning muffins and scones. Marnie yelled to her shift manager that she was taking a quick break. She turned toward the back door, not sure if she would cry, vomit, or try to simply catch her breath and give it a few seconds for it to sink in that he was there.

  He was there.

  “Marnie! Someone’s here for you!” Paula yelled to her as she tried to escape to the back stoop for some cool air.

  She felt her stomach churn, a thousand butterflies. “Can you get his order?” Marnie asked.

  “You seen him already?” Paula asked.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “He the one from this summer?”

  “Yep.”

  “He asked for you.” Paula turned and went back through the swinging door.

  Instead of escaping outside to the wintery air, Marnie went into the staff bathroom, splashed cold water onto her face, brushed the strands of hair behind her ears, and applied a quick swipe of the tinted gloss to her lips that she always kept in her pocket. She was glad that her pink oxford was cleaned, pressed and form fitting. Even though her mental state had been less than, well, less than mentally stable the past few months, at least her appearance was good. Maybe even better than good.

  Marnie looked at her reflection and knew deep down that she was different now. She wondered if he would be able to tell?

  His back was to her as she made her way through the coffee shop, and she took her time, watching as he glanced over his shoulder for her. He could wait. She was angry, and anxious and nervous, and curious. Yet she also felt she might crack at the sound of his voice.

  “Marnie, more coffee please?” Henry, a regular, asked as she passed through. She was grateful for this moment to pause, and it gave her a chance to test out her voice, “Sure Henry.”

  She needed to collect her thoughts. She had no idea what he was going to say, but had already decided to let him talk first. She was quite certain that while the coffee at The Bean was good, he wasn’t there just for that.

  She poured Henry his coffee, gave him a generous smile, which he returned. This small act of kindness gave Marnie the courage she needed as she moved toward Joe.

  She could see him, his thick hair, his back, his strong shoulders she had held onto so tightly…

  Stop it! Think nothing. Think nothing.

  Her heart sped up.

  Marnie thought everything. A movie reel of their time together whizzed through her.

  He turned slightly – he had sensed her presence. His profile stunning; and Marnie noticed he hadn’t shaved for what must have been a couple of days. She remembered how the stubble had scratched at her cheek, how his lips had…

  Stop it!

  With his left hand on the booth seat, he maneuvered to face her, to turn to watch as she moved toward him. She saw that he was wearing the shirt he had on the first day she met him – his Gap “Established in 1969” long-sleeved green tee. The one that made his hazel eyes even more luminous. She wondered if it was a calculated move?

  He smiled. It was so genuine that her breath caught and she nearly stumbled. All it took was that smile. He could do that to her; he did that to her. Still. She melted a bit inside, cried inside, shook inside. But on the outside, she did everything she could not to return the smile.

  Steady, she reminded herself.

  She reached the table, and he put his hand out and touched the inside of her wrist. As if it was the most natural, normal thing in the world to do. To touch her that way. To still be allowed to touch her that way.

  Everything swirled and fell away from her – the clatter of coffee mugs being cleared, the jazz music playing over the speakers, the customers, everything gone. Nothing else was there, but his hand, back on her body, electrifying her wrist. She couldn’t believe he was there. Touching her. Again.

  In her other hand, she held the coffee pot. Any woman with half her sense, who had spent the last three months the way she had, almost dropping out of school, lying to her parents, constantly crying, dealing with an unexpected pregnancy and abortion all alone… any woman would have poured scalding coffee on him. But his smile, and his touch to her wrist, caused her knees to go soft.

  Steady.

  He had no idea what she had been through. No idea.

  His warm fingers at her wrist stopped everything, and it was almost as if she was in a trance, almost as if she couldn’t breathe. It was as if his touch stopped the breath in her lungs, and everything around her.

  Finally, she pulled away, and like a match blown out, she came alive and was able to breathe again as soon as his fingers left her.

  That’s when he spoke. “Hey.”

  His voice. Back.

/>   “Regular or decaf?” She was surprised how steady her voice came out.

  His smile grew, and a small laugh escaped from him, and she knew it was a laugh of relief. He actually had been nervous, to come here, to walk into the restaurant, to take a chance to see her again. His relief relieved her. She softened.

  He hadn’t known. He didn’t know what the last months had been like for Marnie. He didn’t know any of it.

  “Actually tea, if you’ve got it? And I think I could use decaf. If you can’t tell, I’m already kind of worked up about seeing you again.”

  Marnie smiled, and she felt some of the anger slip. A tiny bit slipped away.

  She looked at him, he stared back. Like he had over the summer. Exactly like summer.

  Clarity took hold, Marnie realized she was still working, and she told him she’d be right back with a selection of teas.

  She walked to the cart where they kept the hot water carafe and teas, completely knowing he was watching her, and when she returned, she poured hot water into his cup.

  “Your hand,” he said, and again, he touched her wrist, “you’re shaking.”

  Damn.

  “Well, yeah. You kind of had that effect. I can’t remember, Equal or sugar?”

  “Sugar. Please? And maybe some lemons. For later?”

  She reeled at the memory.

  And then smiled.

  Then he said, “The lemons. Just for the two of us though. I promise.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  The Pregnancy – April 2004

  It was the same every night when Stuart was gone. He’d call and when Marnie answered, he’d simply ask to speak to the boys. It was like she was a stranger to her own husband.

  “Why won’t you talk to me?” she begged him.

  “I’ve got nothing to say to you right now,” he told her.

  Finally, on Tuesday, she got his attention and talked to him.

  “Please Stuart. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe I’m going crazy, but you’re not helping the situation by not being here for me. You realize that, don’t you? This is our baby, this is our family. You can’t just give up on our family. You were a part of this too, you know. I need you to be supportive about this. Everything has been so crazy busy with the boys and work and… ”