Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  A bang of the door at the end of the corridor signalled the arrival of Group E.

  ‘Fuckin’ little tosser! He thinks he’s so hard and-‘ The rest of the sentence was lost in muttering. It was Aaron, striding in like an emperor surrounded by his minions. Jamie, as usual, was tagging along but not joining in. I didn’t want to catch his eye, or ignore him, so I just smiled vaguely at them all.

  ‘Hello.’ I nodded at Aaron, to keep the peace. He always had to be the first to be acknowledged or he sulked. I smiled at the others equally.

  ‘Good afternoon, boys,’ said Roger, the IT teacher. He was getting on in years but had a sharp tongue and had reduced some of the more sensitive boys to tears on occasion. As a result, the students were secretly scared of him. It was fortunate that this was my first lesson with the group, because they were less likely to misbehave with him in charge.

  ‘Hello Emily,’ said Roger. ‘Could you work with Jamie today? He’ll need some help as usual.’

  My heart sank.

  Despite Jamie’s change in attitude, I still worked with him a lot because he was on the special needs register, although the others didn’t know it. I never knew whether it was best to tell students who I was supporting and risk the student/s getting teased for being ‘thick’, or not tell them and risk the student/s getting teased for being ‘Miss’s favourite.’

  ‘What do you need help with Jamie?’ I asked politely. I suddenly got a memory of being pressed against him in the half light of the lift with his tongue down my throat and pushed the thought away.

  He shot me a quick glance, then said: ‘The questions Miss. I can’t read them.’

  ‘It's okay. I’ll help you. Then I’ll go and see who else needs help.’ I felt proud of myself for saying that - reassuring yet not over friendly. What a brilliant support assistant. Hm...

  ‘Thanks.’ He glanced at me once more, then turned to the computer screen, as did I.

  ‘It’ll all be alright, don’t worry.’ I didn’t look at him.

  ‘That’s good. You know what I’m like with computers. Just gotta look at them and they break,’ he sighed.

  I smiled sympathetically. I was amazed at how cool I was being. Must be my long experience of keeping calm under a barrage of teenage insults.

  After ten minutes of helping Jamie, I sensed the others were getting agitated, so I moved away to help Aaron. He didn’t really need help but I helped him anyway so he got his due respect as Alpha Male. There was no room for feminism or modern thinking in a group of construction students.

  ‘I reckon Jamie should pay you for all the time you write stuff down for him,’ said Aaron loudly, swinging back on his chair.

  Oh no, I thought. He knows. Probably Jamie told him to impress him.

  ‘Aaron! Don’t break the chair. Sit up,’ ordered Roger. Aaron slowly sat up.

  ‘Shouldn’t he, Sir?’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ queried Roger.

  ‘Jamie should pay Miss for all the writing she does for him.’

  The rest of the class sniggered and I swore inside my head.

  ‘I don’t need paying,’ I snapped. ‘It’s my job to help people and I get paid by the college.’

  That threw Aaron off his stride. Thank God for my years of experience in quick put downs. After the boys had all settled down again, I risked a glance at Jamie. He gave me a faint smile.

  I managed to keep calm throughout the lesson. I went back to check on Jamie once more. There was another learning support assistant in the room, Stacey, blonde and much younger than me. She took over helping Jamie for a while, longer than I had done. He was smiling at something she was saying, she was smiling back and I was suddenly stabbed by a twinge of jealousy, so fierce that I gasped.

  ‘Alright, Miss?’ asked Luke, another on the special needs list, a gentle and sensible boy. I often sat next to him when the others became too rude or loud.

  ‘Oh- yes- fine-‘

  ‘You just winced.’

  ‘Oh, it's nothing- it's- er- just a cramp-‘ I rubbed my stomach lightly, knowing this would stop him questioning me further. None of the boys wanted to talk about ‘women’s problems’. I was right.

  ‘Ah,’ he said wisely, and turned to the screen.

  The next lesson was carpentry, with Jamie’s group again. I didn’t enjoy the practical lessons and didn’t know why I was timetabled to be in them. None of the students needed help, just the odd caution against throwing things or mucking about, but generally I was really bored for the whole two hours.

  However I was looking forward to carpentry today because I could avoid Jamie and it wouldn’t look suspicious.

  I had a quick lunch in the staffroom, alone as usual. I valued my quiet time away from the students, but it would have been encouraging to make friends at the college. I worked part time and hadn’t really done so yet. I only saw the other learning support assistants occasionally and it would have been a relief to discuss how the groups were behaving. Otherwise I assumed it was just me the students disobeyed, or insulted, or chatted up. I hadn’t really made many friends at the call centre either. I thought having two jobs would give my life more variety, but all it had meant was that I didn’t get involved deeply in either of the jobs and it had taken ages to get to know the other staff members.

  ‘Today we are going to make a shelf,’ said Vernon, the teacher. He called the students round and demonstrated what to do. I sat up on one of the tables to rest my legs: it was tiring standing unoccupied for two hours.

  The boys got started on their shelf making, and I slowly circulated around the room observing their work from a distance. By then I was used to the ‘look Miss I’ve got wood’ jokes and well practised at pretending to laugh.

  ‘What’s up with your saw?’ said Aaron to Jamie as they were working together. Jamie was sawing a piece of wood and the saw was wiggling around in a strange manner. He laughed and I couldn’t help laughing too. I was aware that Aaron was giving me a sideways glance, but he was always doing that. He was a bit weird.

  I was aware Aaron was watching me quite a few times that lesson so I made sure not to even look at Jamie.

  * * *

  At last the long lesson ended and I trudged off to take my steel-toed boots off, get my coat and go home. Suddenly I remembered something. I had been so busy coping with the Jamie situation all day that I had forgotten to move my car. Every morning I had to park in the unlit lonely car park at the top of the hill because there were no staff spaces in the college car park, except for management. So I drove my car to the supermarket at lunch times because it made me feel safer going to a brightly lit car park in the dark winter evenings. I’d park there all day if there was no threat of clamping, but there was, so I had to juggle around to fit in with their rules.

  Shit shit shit! I thought to myself, hurrying to my locker. I’ll have to jump into the car and make a really quick getaway in case there is anyone weird hanging about.

  Coming out of the brightly lit college to head across the dark railway bridge and to the lonely car park, I felt like I was going into a battle. Who would know if I was murdered and didn’t get home? I lived alone. My last relationship had tailed off feebly about a year ago when my boyfriend had lost interest. I didn’t even have a cat. All I had was a couple of old friends and my brother, but he lived miles away.

  Anyway, be brave, I told myself. Nearly there. To make it worse, the bridge was uphill and I would be out of breath when I reached my car so wouldn’t be able to run. But I did have a plan. The library and some shops were further along the road, so I could walk past the car park if there was anyone suspicious there and go to safety.

  I reached the mouth of the car park. I could see my car near the entrance but there weren’t any street lights so it would be a quick dash.

  Suddenly I noticed a dark figure by my car. The small bright glow of a cigarette end gave him away. I paused, unsure what to do. The figure came towards me and I backed away, turning to run.

 
; ‘Hey, Emily.’ It was Jamie. I’d never been so glad to see him.

  ‘You scared the hell out of me!’ I snapped, heart pounding. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Sorry. I wanted to see you.’

  ‘Oh. Well you saw me all afternoon.’ I felt flattered anyway.

  ‘I meant on our own.’

  I smiled, and gave him a hug. He pulled me back behind the car a little and we kissed, which was a relief after all my apprehensions of danger.

  ‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ I asked after a while.

  ‘S’pose.’

  ‘You’d better get home now, your family will be waiting.’

  ‘Nah, they won’t.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘My dad chucked me out at the weekend.’ He stubbed his cigarette out on my car. ‘Oh, sorry.’ He brushed the ash away with his sleeve.

  ‘Chucked you out? Why?’

  ‘I was s’posed to do something for him on Friday but I was stuck in the lift with you.’

  ‘Oh.’ I looked away bashfully. ‘But hang on, why were you in the lift in the first place if you were supposed to be helping your dad?’

  ‘I was going to see that woman, Barbara, you know. That psychiatric… ist.’

  Barbara was the Educational Psychologist who assessed students’ learning and behavioural needs. All the heads of departments’ offices were on the eleventh floor, and she borrowed one for her assessments. Nice and quiet, no distractions.

  ‘I was gonna see her for my results and then get off home and- but- I didn’t get there in time and he said that was the last time I’d let him down and I could just get out!’ He fiddled with my car’s aerial, almost bending it off in agitation.

  ‘Where’ve you been sleeping since then?’

  ‘At mates’ houses. But their parents don’t want me.’

  I paused, thinking. He looked so cold, his breath twisting in smoky coils. Cold and miserable. Maybe just for a few days…

  ‘Come and stay with me?’

  He looked straight at me. ‘Really? You mean it?’

  ‘Yes. Come on, get in.’ I threw caution to the winds and let him into the car.

  * * *

  My flat, as usual, was warm and cosy. I prided myself on keeping it as my haven.

  ‘You need a shower,’ I told him.

  ‘What, cos I stink?’ he bristled.

  ‘No! You look cold and sad.’

  He laughed. ‘Cold and sad? What are you like…?’

  I took him into the bathroom. He did smell. I hadn’t noticed because I hadn’t spent much time with him today but now I did.

  ‘I’ll wash and dry your clothes. Have you any spares?’ He had a carrier bag with him.

  ‘Some. Thanks.’ He looked amazed at my offer. Poor thing. He obviously hadn’t been shown much care. He started taking his clothes off obediently and I felt a rush of- something. Protectiveness? Concern? Lust? He wasn’t a little boy. But I kind of guessed that a long time ago.

  I took the clothes to the washer dryer. They smelt even worse than him, but it wouldn’t be for long.

  Suddenly there was a ring on the entry phone. I went to it.

  ‘Hey Em. It's me.’

  It was my best friend, Honey.

  ‘Can I come in? I really, really need to see you. I haven’t got anywhere else to go.’

  I paused. Normally I would rush to let her in, but with Jamie singing in the shower, it was tricky. But Honey was my best friend…

  ‘Sure. Come in.’ I pressed the button. I’d just have to deal with the awkwardness when it happened. Nothing ever happened in my life, and now all this drama. It was actually exciting.

  ‘Oh Emmy, what am I going to do?’ Honey fell into my arms as she stepped through the door.

  ‘What on earth’s happened?’

  ‘It’s Nick. He’s got someone else, he-‘

  There was the noise of the shower turning off. But luckily Honey was so distraught she didn’t notice.

  ‘He said he’s been having an affair for three months and he wants to be with HER and not me. I don’t know what to do, I walked out without telling him where I was going. Suppose he locks me out and I can’t get my stuff and-‘

  She went on telling me about the situation and I listened disapprovingly. I had never liked Nick. He was slimy, but Honey never seemed to notice that.

  After she had talked herself out, I said ‘Stay here tonight. We’ll work out something for tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh can I? Oh thanks so much, I won’t interfere with your life or anything.’ She hugged me.

  ‘Of course. Can you make us a cup of tea? I’ve just got to go and- er- check on the washing.’ I put the machine onto the dry cycle and went to the bathroom.

  Unthinkingly, I walked straight in and Jamie was standing there completely naked, drying his hair with one of my pink hand towels.

  I gasped and tried to look away as he grabbed the bath towel to cover himself.

  We couldn’t help laughing awkwardly.

  ‘What do you want?’ he asked ungraciously.

  I explained the situation about Honey.

  ‘Want me to go and sort out her boyfriend? I could-‘

  ‘No! Just stay in the spare room until- until- I’ll cook a meal for us all.’

  ‘Will I sleep in there too?’

  ‘Er- yes, I suppose so. Honey can share my room.’

  ‘Weeh! Two fit birds in one bed,’ he laughed.

  ‘It’s not like that, you pervert!’ I laughed too, glad he’d cheered up.

  * * *

  ‘Here’s your tea,’ said Honey with a smile. ‘Thanks for listening. But- have you got someone here? I thought I heard someone. I’ll go if you have. I don’t want to cramp your style.’

  I smiled awkwardly. ‘Yes. I have got someone here. You’ll be shocked when you know who it is, but can I just tell you?’ I suddenly realised how desperate I was to unburden myself. I didn’t often get the chance. In our trio, I was ‘the caring one’; Honey was ‘the naive one’ and our other friend Tess was ‘the sensible one’.

  I poured out the story of Jamie, the lift and the whole situation. Honey’s eyes widened.

  ‘Oh, be careful, Em,’ she warned. ‘So, Jamie is the boy who you think fancied you, then started being nasty to you? If this gets out you could be sued, or put on a register. Or even worse, he could chop you up into bits and no one would know.’

  ‘Yes, thanks for that. I don’t think he’s that dangerous.’ I half-laughed. She was always frightened of people chopping her up into bits. ‘I’ll get him. You can see what you think.’

  I fetched Jamie’s clothes from the dryer and took them to him.

  ‘Thanks! Can’t wait to get this thing off, no offence.’ He flung off the fluffy white robe I had lent him. ‘What would my mates say if they saw me in that?’

  ‘Hopefully they won’t ever see you in my bathrobe!’ I giggled and led him out of the room.

  ‘Honey, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is Honey.’

  They eyed each other. Actually Jamie’s eyes were on stalks. You see Honey is a dance teacher, blonde with a perfect figure, whereas I am brunette with an average figure- and my face is less than average. I felt a sense of inevitability. Honey was abandoned and tearful; Jamie was just a bag of hormones. Perhaps they should get together. At least she didn’t work in education. She was just a single woman and he was a single- er- boy.

  I shared the meal out equally between us.

  ‘What’s this?’ asked Jamie, peering at his plate.

  ‘Vegetable lasagne. Honey is a vegetarian.’

  ‘Vegetarian?’ He was shocked. ‘I just want a burger.’

  ‘If you go and get one yourself,’ I retorted. ‘But you can eat it in your bedroom.’

  He didn’t reply, but started on the lasagne, looking as if he expected to be poisoned at every mouthful. But he finished off the entire plate and had seconds. Probably didn’t get much home cooked food.

  Honey started talking about her s
ituation and what Nick had done. When she wasn’t looking, Jamie rolled his eyes at me as if to say ‘this is boring,’ but I glared at him. Honey was my best friend. She had listened to my problems so many times that it was the least I could do to listen to hers. But for the last year or so my life had been on autopilot and I had just gone from day to day without anything unusual happening. Come to think of it, maybe Honey had done more of the problem sharing.

  When it came to bed time, I decided to take the sofa. Jamie’s innuendos were getting annoying and, anyway, I wanted to make sure he didn’t steal any of my stuff and leave. Or whatever. I wasn’t sure how I felt.

  I woke in the night wondering where I was. Then all the events of the previous day came flooding back as I heard Jamie coughing in the spare room. Probably smoking, I thought crossly. Even though I’d told him not to.

  I went in there and yes, there he was, smoking. But at least it was out of the window.

  ‘Hey,’ he said mildly.

  ‘I told you not to smoke.’

  ‘I’m doing it out of the window. Jeez, what are you, my mum?’

  I was shocked. I didn’t feel like his mum.

  ‘Sorry.’ He held out his hand and I went to him. He kissed me. It seemed each time was better than the last. Perhaps we were getting used to each other.

  ‘Can’t you stay in here with me?’

  I lost myself in his dark grey eyes and got into bed with him.

  ‘When’s that friend of yours gonna go?’ he demanded, cuddling up with me.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘She talks too much. She didn’t ask you once about YOUR life.’

  ‘I’m sure she did. You’re wrong.’

  ‘I’m not. She’s an idiot.’

  ‘No she’s not! Don’t say that about my friend. She’s stuck by me through thick and thin, she-‘

  ‘Stop squinnying. You’re as bad as her.’

  ‘You’re really being-‘

  He kissed me in the middle of the sentence and we went further than in the lift. It was chaotic and awkward but it was fun, especially as we had to keep quiet so Honey wouldn’t hear us. I’d almost forgotten what fun was, to be honest. My fun was always organised and prearranged. This wasn’t and it was so much better. Again I knew I shouldn’t be doing anything like this with him but this time my reservations were less. Like before, I could feel my body waking a little more from its months of untouched and unloved slumber.