Touch the Heavens

by Lindsay McKenna

  “Great, can I open my eyes now?”

  Chen took out his small flashlight. “Not quite yet. Tell me, do you see a difference of light now?” He pointed the light at her closed lids.

  Chris frowned. “I—no...should I?” There was a trace of fear in her voice. She felt Dan grip her hand more solidly.

  “Hmm, it may be too soon. All right, I want you to slowly open your eyes, Captain, and focus them straight ahead.”

  Dan inhaled softly as her beautiful violet eyes opened. They were still the most unearthly color he had ever seen. But he noticed the bloodshot quality to the white portion of her eyes as her thick ebony lashes opened. Chen leaned forward with another instrument, intently studying them.

  “Tell me what you see, Captain.”

  Chris blinked several times, aware of tears surging into her eyes. Embarrassed, she raised her hand.

  “No, Captain, let them tear. Remember, you’ve been kept in the dark for five days now and they will need time to adjust. Now, tell me what you see.”

  Her heart contracted. Her mouth went dry. “Nothing...” she whispered tautly.

  Dan scowled, responding to the anguish in her voice. He glanced sharply over at Chen. The doctor didn’t seem overly perturbed by the development.

  “Light? Darkness, Captain? Describe it to me,” he ordered.

  Tears fell down her cheeks and she blinked rapidly. “I see...like a white wall. Is the opposite wall a white color?”

  “No, it’s green, Captain. Now just relax and lay back down. I’ll be looking at your cornea and pupil with an instrument for a moment. It will be painless,” he assured her.

  Dejected, Chris remained motionless as the nurse completed putting on a new dressing. Dr. Chen jotted down several notations on his ever-present clipboard. He patted Chris’s arm. “Don’t be too upset at this point, Captain Mallory. Your eyeballs sustained bruising from the wind force. They are still quite red and bloodshot. Many small capillaries were broken. And until they heal themselves, your vision will be impaired. At least your pupils dilate properly, and you can tell the difference between dark and light.”

  “Is that good?” she demanded bitterly.

  Chen nodded. “Yes, it is.” He looked over at Dan. “You may take her home, Major. Bring her back in ten days. By then, the swelling will be gone, the capillaries healed, and we’ll know better what we’re dealing with.”

  “Does that mean I’ll be able to see, then?” Chris asked hopefully, touching her bandages once more.

  “I don’t know, Captain. Each case is dependent upon the individual body and its own healing mechanisms. Until then, I’m going to give Major McCord a short course on how to change your bandage daily.” He gave Dan a brief smile. “I think she’ll be happier at your home, Major.”

  “I think so, too,” he responded, reaching out and laying his hand on Chris’s shoulder, trying in some way to console her.

  Chris wanted to be left alone in her bedroom at Howard and Melvina McCord’s ranch. She had endured the embarrassment of stumbling up the steps despite Dan’s guiding hand and helpful instructions. She had blushed, her face burning as if on fire, and she’d plunged more deeply into depression. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Chris clenched her hands together until her knuckles whitened. Anger raged with anxiety within her breast.

  Blind? Dr. Chen had matter-of-factly said that he didn’t know if she would ever see again. Her mouth went dry as Chris thought of no longer being able to do the one thing that had helped her escape from the misery of her childhood and a lifetime of loneliness: flying. Her heart wrenched in further agony as she acknowledged another fact: How could Dan love her if she was blind? Would his love turn to pity? Oh, God, she couldn’t stand pity! Unable to sit still any longer, she got up and took halting steps forward, both hands outstretched. The frustration of not being able to see intensified. Finally she made contact with the lace curtains at the window, running her fingers down them, aware of their texture as never before.

  How long she stood there mulling over the possible end of her flying Career and the loss of the man she loved so fiercely, Chris did not know. As she turned and carefully traced her steps back to the bed, she was only aware of a heavy weight in her heart and in her anguished soul. Some time later, she lay on the bed and willed herself into sleep to escape a reality she no longer wanted to be part of....

  Dan quietly closed the door to the bedroom after checking on Chris. It was nearly eight in the evening. He had let her sleep through supper, realizing she was exhausted from the entire incident. Howard came over, putting his large gnarled hand on his shoulder.

  “How is she, son?”

  Dan frowned and walked with his uncle to the living room. “Sleeping pretty soundly.”

  Howard grunted, nodding his head. “Come on, let’s go sit on the back porch with some good whiskey and watch the sunset.”

  Dan nursed the mellow whiskey. He sat in the ancient, hand-carved chair th0at had been a fixture on the porch since he was a boy. Howard had taken another chair, leaning back on it, resting it against the frame of the house, tasting his whiskey with obvious pleasure. Raising one eyebrow, Howard fixed his gaze on Dan. “I can hear you worrying clear over here, son. What’s eating at you?”

  Dan turned the heavy tumbler slowly around in his hands. “It’s Chris,” he admitted softly. “She’s slipping away from me, Dad. She’s retreating inside those walls she erected when she was growing up.” Dan pursed his lips, fighting back a wave of fear.

  “You afraid for her or yourself?”

  Dan grimaced. “Both of us. I’m afraid of losing her if she doesn’t regain her eyesight.”

  “You mean you don’t love her enough to marry her, even if she does turn out to be blind?”

  Dan lifted his chin, studying his uncle in the twilight. That was a true McCord trait: straight-as-a-narrow questions. “I’d marry her even if she was a quadriplegic,” he answered fervently.

  Howard nodded sagely. “Kind’a figured that, son. But I wanted to hear it from you. So you think Chris might not marry you because of this?”

  Dan felt as if a knife had slashed through his heart. “She’s proud, Dad. If she goes blind I think she’ll revert to what she was before—a loner who survives at any cost.”

  “I don’t think so,” Howard countered gently, rocking forward, the chair coming down with a thunk on the wooden porch. “Look here, boy. That gal has heart. Look what she did with that plane when she couldn’t see a thing! That’s spirit. That’s all heart. And you think she won’t fight back once she knows which side of the street she has to live on? Come on! You be there for her and she’ll rally. Just like she rallied when you talked her down to landing on the lake bed.”

  Howard shook his craggy head, a grin pulling at one corner of his mouth. “She’s just like that gray filly you tamed when you were sixteen. You remember Nell? She was a headstrong young horse with plenty of heart, bucking you every inch of the way until you stayed on her. How many times did she throw you, boy? And finally, when you were both ready to keel over out there in that corral, you crawled up on her one final time. Remember how Nell just stood there panting, all four feet planted apart, finally accepting you?”

  Dan vividly recalled that event. There wasn’t a hand on the ranch who didn’t want the three-year-old gray filly they called Nell, for a cow horse. She came from the best of King quarter-horse breeding. Howard had promised Nell to Dan providing he could break and train her. It had taken five hours out in the hot Texas sun in one-hundred-ten-degree heat to finally get Nell to accept him in the saddle. “Yeah,” he said fondly, “I remember.”

  Howard nodded. “Chris ain’t no different, son. She’s a proud filly herself. She’s done it all. And now, she may be faced with the greatest test of her life. Despite what she thinks, she’s going to need you. And not out of pity, but because she loves you just as much as you love her.” He jabbed his finger in Dan’s direction. “Chris is gonna be a Texas thunderstorm for the ne
xt ten days. She’s gonna go up and down, creating emotional whirlwinds around herself. You be there to steady her out, whether she likes it or not.” Howard slowly rose. “She’s fearful, son. And she’ll be taking it out on those who love her the most.”

  Dan nodded firmly in agreement. “I love her enough to weather it,” he answered simply. “We’ll do it together. She’s not going to have any other choice.”

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Dan called, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Chris. He watched as she roused herself, the whiteness of the gauze surrounding her black hair a startling contrast. He leaned down, gently brushing her cheek. He had risen earlier that morning, showered and shaved. Chris had tossed and turned all night, moving in and out of nightmare states until dawn. Dan had simply held her, soothed her with words, caresses and a steadying voice. As dawn approached, Chris finally slept deeply and so did he. The crowing of a rooster near the window had awakened him at nine.

  Chris raised her hand, briefly touching her bandaged eyes. “What time is it?” she asked.

  “Almost ten-thirty. Thought you might like to get a bath and maybe a late breakfast.”

  She frowned, unsettled by Dan’s pleasant voice. She felt peevish and irritated. “I just want to sleep.”

  Dan gauged her grumpy voice. “No way, lady. You’ve slept a good twelve hours. It’s time to get up. Now, do you want to get up under your own power or do I carry you?”

  “I’ll get up!” She pulled herself into an upright position, feeling suddenly light-headed. Touching her brow, she frowned.

  “What is it?”

  “Nothing,” she snapped.

  “You wait here, and I’ll get the water ready for you,” he said, rising.

  As Chris felt him get off the bed, she experienced a rush of guilt. “Dan...” she called, suddenly thrusting out her hand in his general direction.

  He caught her hand. “I’m here,” he said gently.

  Chris wet her dry lips. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I guess I’m kind of grouchy.”

  Leaning over, he kissed her cheek. “I understand, Raven. Feel like walking to the bathroom or do I get to carry you?”

  A slight smile pulled at her full lips as she raised her head in the direction of his voice. “I’ll make it under my own power. Just give me your hand.”

  Dan smiled, throwing off her covers. She looked incredibly sensual in the black silk nightgown. Fighting back the urge to caress her, he murmured, “You look so damn sexy that I might keep you here the rest of the day.” He offered a hand, allowing her to rise.

  Conflicting emotions warmed within Chris. Since the accident he had made no move to make love to her. Was she that disfigured by the accident? Was she no longer desirable to Dan? Her heart sank. It didn’t matter anymore. She would not hold him to his promise to marry her. No one would want a blind ex-pilot for a wife. She would only be an increased burden on Dan’s incredibly busy and stressful lifestyle.

  She forced a sliver of a smile over his teasing remark. “It would be rather boring, believe me.”

  Dan frowned, forcing her to halt, taking her into his arms. He felt Chris tense as she rested lightly against his body. He was aware of the fullness of her breasts against his chest and the soft curve of her thighs. He pulled a stray strand of hair from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear. His eyes darkened.

  “You can make even the gloomiest day look bright to me,” he whispered. Dan gripped her tightly, loving her nearness. “Honey, you are the sunshine of my life,” he returned, his voice sounding choked. “Always. Just remember that, my raven-haired beauty. Nothing is ever boring about you.”

  Chris turned her head to one side, aware of the intensity of his feeling toward her. “Even when I’m blind?’’ she forced out bitterly. “Don’t fool yourself, Dan.”

  His mouth compressed as he gazed down at her contorted features. His voice grew quiet with conviction. “I’m very clear about you and me, Chris. In fact, I’ve never been as realistic about myself and my feelings as I am now.” He gave her a small shake. “I love you, lady. And it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to me whether you can see or if you’re blind. Do you understand that?”

  The first three days of her convalescence at the ranch were nerve-racking. At times Chris was grateful for Dan’s presence. He refused to allow her to sit in the bedroom or in the living room listening to the television set. Despite her fear and protests, he had taken her riding with him for the first day. On the second day, the temperature soared to over a hundred, and Aunt Melvina decided Chris shouldn’t be outside in that kind of heat. Melvina had invited Chris to assist her in simple preparations for meals for the ranch crews. On the third day Howard drove them in the Jeep to various pastures to check on herds that were being readied to ship back to eastern markets.

  Chris awoke to the sound of roosters crowing. It must be close to dawn, she thought. She lay beside Dan, her head resting in the hollow of his shoulder. Just the sound of his soft breathing steadied her tumultuous feelings. In six more days she would know whether or not she was permanently blind. And if she was? Fear twisted in her heart. Dan had treated her as if nothing was wrong. But there was! She was blind! He would always be waiting on her hand and foot. She couldn’t have that. But she loved him, and despite what she tried to tell herself, she wouldn’t kill those powerful feelings of love that persisted toward him.

  Carefully Chris slipped out of bed, locating her cotton robe and pulling it on. By now, she had counted the steps from the bed to the door and mentally called them off in her mind. She hesitated, hearing no one up and about. It meant that it was around five-thirty. Quietly opening the door, Chris slowly made her way to the back porch. She had come to love the old, creaky porch with the chairs and the swing. The screen door protested noisily as she opened it and made her way to the swing. Sitting down, Chris tried to pull her thoughts together. Her head was screaming with all her deeply hidden fears of the future. Her heart wrenched with anguish. Burying her head in her hands, Chris began to sob softly, unable to sort out the nightmarish mixture of anxiety, fear and insecurity.

  “Raven?”

  Chris jerked her head up, a gasp escaping her. It was Dan. She sat tensely, listening in the direction of the voice. “Dan?”

  He moved noiselessly across the porch. He was clad only in a pair of jeans. “Right here,” he answered, holding out his hand, sliding it down her shoulder. He sat down next to her. “You were crying.”

  Chris hung her head, emotions warring mightily within her. “I—yes—”

  “Want to talk about it?’“

  She pursed her lips. “No.”

  “Afraid you’ll sound like the rest of us human beings when we’re caught in a cross fire?” he ventured.

  Anger roared through her, and Chris snapped her head to the left. “Just what does that mean?”

  “You’re not going to fight this alone, Raven.” The note of finality was deep in his voice. “You can’t.”

  Suddenly Chris wanted to escape. She bolted to her feet and made a half turn to where Dan was sitting, her hands clenched. “Leave me alone!” she cried hoarsely.

  Dan got to his feet, gripping her shoulders strongly. “I have been leaving you to your own thoughts, Chris,” he growled. “And it isn’t working. You’re retreating and trying to fight your way through this whole damn thing by yourself.”

  Chris sobbed, trying to throw off his grip. It was impossible. “Damn you!” she shouted. “It is my problem! Not yours.”

  “You’re wrong. It’s mine because I love you,” he breathed.

  Her lips parted, glistening with tears. She was trembling visibly. “No! No, I don’t want your pity or guilt, Dan,” she said, sobbing as she threw her hands against his chest, trying to struggle and free herself.

  “Quit fighting me!” he ordered angrily, giving her a small shake. “Just what does that mean—my pity or guilt? Is that why you think I brought you here? Or why I stay with you?”

&n
bsp; Chris raised her hands, burying her face in them. She didn’t want to cry like this in front of Dan. He didn’t deserve to know the nameless horrors that stalked her twenty-four hours a day because of the blindness. “I don’t know!”

  “Well, I do know,” he ground out. “You’re so used to having no one that it’s easy for you to escape inside yourself, Chris. But this is one time when you need other people.” His voice softened and became coaxing. “I’m here because I love you. I wouldn’t hurt you by pretending to do it out of guilt or pity. Listen to me!” He drew in a sharp breath, watching her facial features contort. Chris was going to fight him every step of the way. “I don’t care how much you think you’re going to battle this by yourself, you must know I’ll be here to help. Do you understand me, Chris? Come on, dammit, say yes or no!”

  She froze in his grip. Suddenly, she cried in anguish. “Yes! Is that what you want to hear? That I can’t make it on my own anymore? Is that what you want me to admit, Dan?”

  Dan winced at the rawness in her voice. “Oh, honey,” he whispered thickly, pulling her against him. He held her tightly for a long, long time until her sobs subsided, until her body stopped trembling. He gently lifted her into his arms, carrying her back through the ranch house to their bedroom. If Howard had heard them, he was remaining out of the way because it was well past time for him to get up. Dan gave the door a push shut with his foot and carried Chris to the bed.

  Depositing her on it, Dan lay down, bringing Chris beside him. Stroking her silken hair he said softly, “I want you to know, Raven, that you are someone. Whether you’re blind or you get full use of your eyesight back, you are someone very special to me, honey. Maybe in your past no one cared what happened to you or how many times you cried alone. But I care from here on out. And it doesn’t matter how big a storm we have to go through, we’ll do it together. Do you understand me?”

  Dan felt her heart beating like a snared rabbit. She was damp from perspiration, her face wet with tears of agony. He cupped her chin, forcing it upward, leaning over and caressing her trembling lips. The bitter taste of salt melded them together, but it was the sweetness of her mouth that flooded his senses, blinding him, sending them on a spiraling level of ecstasy in each other’s arms. Since the accident, he had deliberately not made love to her, sensing that she wasn’t ready. Now, the urgency to show Chris how much he loved and needed her overrode that concern.