Never Far Away

by Anie Michaels

  “Ok, nice to meet both of you,” she said, all business. She brought out an iPad from a drawer in her desk and then looked Ella in the eyes. “Ella, why don’t you tell me why you’re here.”

  “Well, the last couple of months I’ve been put in a lot of unusually stressful situations and it seems I am having some problems dealing with the stress of it all.”

  “I saw in your file that you were involved in a shooting, and then suffered from retro-grade amnesia which eventually went away and your memory then returned.”

  “Yes, when the memories returned is when the panic and anxiety started,” Ella said, exhaling a deep breath. Porter reached over and laid a hand on Ella’s thigh, giving her a gentle squeeze. She placed her hand over his and clasped her fingers around his hand, willing him to keep his there.

  “Tell me about the attacks,” the doctor urged her.

  “Well, the first one came outside of my store where I was shot. It was the first time I had been there since my memory came back and it kind of came out of nowhere. We pulled up to the store and as soon as I saw it, my heart started beating really fast and I felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. I was shaking and trembling,” Ella’s voice petered off and she swallowed hard. Remembering the attack was almost as bad as living through it. She took a deep breath and looked up at Dr. Evans. “I had never experienced something like that before and I was scared.”

  “She had another attack that same night at her apartment,” Porter added.

  “Did something traumatic happen at the apartment as well?” Dr. Evans asked.

  “I was attacked there by my ex-boyfriend and nearly raped,” Ella whispered. She felt Porter’s hand tighten around hers and she noticed him clenching his other fist in his lap.

  “Are you having any trouble sleeping?”

  Ella thought about the question and then began to blush.

  “Um, no. Not since…” Ella brought her hand to her brow and tried to hide her eyes from the doctor.

  “Ella, if there is any place you need to feel comfortable, this is the place. I will not judge anything you say here. Would you like Porter to leave? Are you afraid to be honest around him?”

  “No!” Ella almost yelled. “It’s not him, actually, it’s me. I just feel silly.”

  “Ok, well, just be honest. I need to know everything if I’m going to be able to help you.”

  “It’s just that, since the memories have come back, I haven’t spent a night away from Porter,” Ella said, and she could feel the blood rushing to the surface of her face and knew she was blushing horribly. She also saw Porter smirking. “I sleep very well when I’m with him.”

  “That’s good; anything comforting can be very therapeutic for patients with anxiety. How long have you two been together?” Ella and Porter both laughed lightly at the doctor’s question. Ella knew eventually they’d have to explain their unique situation.

  “Porter and I met a week before I lost my memory. He stayed with me the entire time I was in a coma at the hospital, but things got a little tricky when I woke up and didn’t remember him.”

  “I was kept from her by her family, seeing as how they didn’t really know me and she didn’t remember me. But I constantly sought out updates on her. Eventually, after two months of not seeing her and her not remembering, I just went after her. That was about two weeks ago and she just regained her memory a few days ago.” Ella watched as the doctor tried to compute everything they had just told her.

  “So, for Ella, this is a very new relationship, but for you, Porter, it has been going on quite a bit longer.” Porter shrugged.

  “You could say that.”

  “Well, what would you say about it?” The doctor asked.

  “I’d say that I’m just as invested today as I was the first week. Time isn’t really a factor in our relationship because I was in deep from the beginning.”

  “So, you would describe your relationship as ‘committed’ then?”

  “Irrevocably,” Porter answered without hesitation in his deep raspy voice, making the breath in Ella’s lungs steal away. Ella was even sure she saw the doctor react in a very female way to that word, spoken in the sexy way that only Porter could ever pull off.

  “And you feel the same way, Ella?” Dr. Evans asked her.

  “There’s no one else in the world for me. Porter is it.” The doctor took a pause and scribbled some things on her iPad, then looked up at Ella.

  “What you are describing definitely sounds like anxiety attacks,” the doctor said as she laid down her IPad on the desk. “Anxiety attacks are often a symptom of a bigger issue. In your case, the anxiety seems to be a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You will need more sessions to get a formal diagnosis, but in your situation the disorder is very clear. The anxiety is only exacerbated by the sudden return of your memory. Although, it wouldn’t be unheard of if someone went through your same situation, never lost their memory, and then developed PTSD. The fact that your body and mind went through the traumatic event once and then, for all intents and purposes, a second time when the memory of the events returned, only heightens the level of anxiety and the physical symptoms that accompany it.”

  Porter rubbed his free hand over stubble-ridden face and had a look of confusion written all over it. “Any chance you could give that to us again in layman’s terms?” He asked sheepishly. The doctor laughed gently at his request.

  “Basically, Ella’s body is responding to the stress more than usual simply because of the memories returning. It would be totally normal for someone to have anxiety after what you went through, but the amnesia adds a new dimension to not only the symptoms, but also the treatment.”

  “What is the treatment?’ Porter asked, pulling the question right out of Ella’s mouth.

  “Medication and counseling.”

  “What kind of medication?”

  “A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor like Zoloft or Paxil is usually prescribed.”

  “Are there any side effects?” Ella asked.

  “As with any medication, there are side effects. Dry mouth and nausea being the most common. There isn’t any chance you could be pregnant?”

  “No,” Ella answered quickly.

  “Good. Now, Porter,” the doctor said, turning her attention towards him. “Although I can appreciate the supportive boyfriend role you likely excel at, let’s talk about why you are here and how I can help you. I imagine watching Ella go through all this, and then being separated from her was very difficult.”

  “It wasn’t the best experience I’ve had,” he said as he swiped his hand through his hair, a move that told Ella he was more upset than he was letting on. The doctor just continued to stare at Porter, waiting for him to elaborate.

  “When she woke up and didn’t remember me, it was like someone had taken the one thing I was living for away from me. And even if I could have functioned normally with just that happening, when they refused to let me see her, or talk to her, it was even worse.” He paused and looked down at his hand that was still tangled up in hers. “I had dealt with loss before and had pretty much built a life where I wouldn’t have to deal with it again. I wasn’t sure I could. But then Ella came storming into my life and everything I had tried to push away suddenly was everything I wanted. Desperately.” He looked over at Ella and she could see every ounce of love he had for her in his eyes.

  “I wasn’t prepared to have her taken from me and when she was gone it was like I was lost.”

  “Can you explain the loss you mentioned? What loss had you dealt with?” Dr. Evans asked.

  “My father died suddenly when I was twelve.”

  “So, is it safe to assume that when Ella was kept from you, it stirred up past feelings of loss that you had previously associated with your father’s death?”

  “I guess. Although, even though this might sound disrespectful to my father, it was almost worse with Ella.”

  “How so?” The doctor probed.

&nb
sp; “Well, when my father died, it was absolute. He was gone. It was hard, sad, and difficult, but there was a finality to it. With Ella, I was literally just dangling off of a cliff, waiting to either plummet to the bottom of the ravine, or for Ella to come and save me.”

  It broke Ella’s heart to hear his words. She never wanted to be the reason he felt anything but love and happiness. Hearing his heartache brought tears to her eyes.

  “There were times I didn’t think I was going to make it through to the next day. Not because I would have taken my own life – I never would have left Ella like that, amnesia or not. I just really felt like the sadness would take me. I didn’t know if it was possible to die from sadness, but I was sure I was going to find out eventually.” Ella couldn’t control the sob that escaped her and hadn’t known it was coming until it had already leaked out. She quickly brought a hand to her mouth the stifle any rogue sobs that fought to get out. Porter leaned towards Ella and reached up with his hands to bring her face closer to his.

  “Don’t you cry, Ella, don’t. I’d do it all again if it brought you back to me. I’m not the victim here, you are. I just need you to stay strong for me, Baby.”

  “I just feel so bad that the whole time you were drowning like that, I was just living my life. I had no idea,” she whispered.

  “No, you were fighting your way back to me. We were both struggling.”

  Ella nodded. “I was looking for you, even when I didn’t know who you were.”

  “I know. Your heart knew me.”

  They sat there for a minute, foreheads pressed together, calming each other with their deep breaths and soft touches.

  “Porter, let me ask you this,” the doctor said. “Are you afraid you might lose Ella a second time?”

  “I won’t let that happen again,” he answered forcefully.

  “What do you mean by ‘again’?”

  Porter clenched his fist again, and Ella heard his breaths coming faster and harder.

  “The first time she was taken from me, it was my mistake. I never should have let her go, at least not alone.” Porter ran his fingers through his hair, dispelling the air from his lungs in a loud rush. “I knew, I knew,” he said as he slammed his fist into his own thigh. “I knew something wasn’t right. My gut was telling me not to let her go home, not to let her out of my sight. I dismissed it, thought it was just my mind just wanting to be near her. We’d spent the week together, surely I was just lusting after her. I told the nagging voice in my head to go away and that it would be crazy of me to demand she stay with me. But damnit, that’s exactly what I should have done.” Porter leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs, placing his head in his hands.

  “Even if I had driven a little faster, gotten to the store twenty minutes earlier, I could have stopped that bastard from shooting her.”

  “When your father died, did you have feelings of guilt around his death as well?” Dr. Evans asked. Porter looked up at her with a confused look on his face. His brow crinkled near the bridge of his nose and he looked lost in thought.

  “I suppose. I mean, I was twelve. I remember thinking that I should have done something differently that day, should have changed something to make it so that truck hadn’t wrecked into his. But I think that’s a perfectly acceptable reaction for a boy to have when he’s lost his father.”

  “I agree. But I’d like to remind you that you haven’t lost Ella,” the doctor said, waving a hand towards Ella. “She’s here, and for all intents and purposes, she’s fine. She’s going to continue to be fine. There are lots of things that could have gone differently, but they didn’t, and it’s no one’s fault. Well, perhaps aside from the actual person who shot her.” The doctor turned her attention back to Ella.

  “Ella, is there any reason Porter should place blame on himself for your injuries?”

  “No!” Ella exclaimed, vehemently. “Porter, I don’t feel that way at all,” she said turning to him. “And I’m not sure I understand why you feel that way. Someone did this to us, not to just me. I was the one who was physically injured, but you were hurt in other ways as well. Please, Baby, you have to allow yourself to let the feeling of guilt go. I don’t blame you, couldn’t blame you. You’ve done nothing but take care of me and protect me from the very beginning.”

  “Porter, I think Ella makes a good point,” the doctor added. “In order to heal from all this, you need to start considering yourself a victim as well. Now, that doesn’t mean you need to wallow, but you need to feel it with Ella and try not to remove yourself from what happened. Like she said, it happened to you too. If you spend time and energy on feeling guilty, you’ll be wasting time and energy that could have been spent on other things. Like love and being with Ella without the confines that the guilt brings upon the relationship.”

  “What does that mean exactly, Dr. Evans?”

  “Well, if Porter is constantly feeling guilt over his perceived blame for your injuries, he cannot be fully invested in the relationship. The guilt and the blame will always be lurking under the surface and eventually he might start to resent the fact that he cannot be fully happy with you, that he will always have these feelings.” Ella looked over at Porter and noticed he was deep in thought.

  This was not what she had anticipated. She had been prepared to defend her relationship with Porter, to explain that even though they hadn’t actually been together for a significant amount of time, that their commitment to each other was solid. She still believed this to be true. However, to hear the doctor tell her that Porter’s issues with his guilt may, in the end, cause them to drift apart, made her pulse race. She couldn’t lose Porter, wouldn’t. As if a switch had been flipped, something within her snapped into place, some piece that had been missing. There was absolutely no way she was going to let someone else’s action come in between them. Porter had fought so hard for her and now it was her turn to fight for him. To fight for them.

  “I don’t resent Ella for any of this,” Porter said, quietly.

  “And that’s good,” the doctor started. “But that doesn’t mean that after a prolonged period of feeling guilty, you might not start to resent the relationship.” Porter turned to look at Ella.

  “I could never resent you for anything that’s happened. None of it was your fault.”

  “None of it was your fault either, Porter. You need to listen to Dr. Evans. I need you to listen to her and to listen to me. I can’t lose you, Porter. This is important.” Porter was quiet for a moment, obviously lost in thought. He turned towards the doctor with a question.

  “Dr. Evans, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure. Go ahead.”

  “As we stated earlier, Ella and I met and fell in love rather quickly. Her family had a hard time accepting our relationship because of the timeframe. I have absolutely no doubt that Ella and I were supposed to meet and fall in love at the beach. My life is changed because of her and I wouldn’t go back for anything. What I want to know is this: From your professional standpoint, are there any issues that could arise from Ella and me entering into our relationship so quickly and continuing to move forward with each other.”

  “What do you mean by move forward?” Dr. Evans asked with her head cocked to one side.

  “Well, I mean advance in our relationship. Ella and I are going to move in together and we’re going to build a house. Do you think it’s too soon?” Dr. Evans contemplated Porter’s question and seemed to move in her seat to make herself more comfortable.

  “When I think about healthy and stable relationships, I am not thinking about length of time together or how long they’ve been dating. I think about communication, mutual respect, and intimacy,” the doctor explained, looking both Ella and Porter in the eyes. “If you feel like Ella is someone you want to be with and she reciprocates those feelings, as long as you both have those things, there shouldn’t be any concern with the amount of time you’ve been together. You are placing other people’s expectations and confines of tradition
al relationships on your own and that could cause harm where there is no need or concern for it. Let me ask you this, Porter. Do you feel obsessive towards Ella? Are you finding it hard to focus on work or your day to day activities? Do you find yourself making rash decisions or doing things that are uncharacteristic of yourself in order to see her or be with her?”

  “I think about her all the time, but not in an obsessive way. I think about her in a loving way. Just about how lucky I am to have found her and then found her again, despite all the obstacles. I think about our future, whether it be in the distance or what we’re going to do that evening. I think about how beautiful she is and how I’ve never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with her.” Porter paused for a moment, and Ella grasped his hand tighter. “I have rearranged my life for her, but only because it isn’t my life anymore – it’s ours.”

  Dr. Evans looked over at Ella and let Porter’s words sink in. “Ella, what about you? Are you obsessive about Porter? Are you making rash decisions?”

  Ella looked over at him. She could see in his face how much he needed to hear that what they were doing wasn’t crazy. That even though they had all the odds stacked against them, they would make it through to their forever.

  “The only thing out of the ordinary about our relationship is the time factor, that our feelings for each other have progressed so quickly. Besides that, and the whole amnesia thing,” Ella said with a wave of her hand, “everything is as it should be. We are enjoying each other, getting to know each other, learning about each other. The only difference between what Porter and I have and any other relationship, is that I know, with more surety and certainty than I have ever known anything else, that there is nothing I am going to learn about Porter that will change my mind about being with him forever. I know all the important stuff. At this point, the rest of it is just noise.”

  Ella saw him smile at her, knowing that he remembered speaking those exact words to her at the beach house. It was true then and it was still true now. When he had spoken those words, it was her who needed reassurance, and now it was Porter who was looking for her to give him the assurance he needed. Ella would do anything to make sure he knew she wasn’t going anywhere.