Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “Dec and I’ve known each other since school, we used to play about with our guitars in my Mum’s garage and Dec would sing. Dec’s older brother Finn used to hang around in there too with Max, his best mate. Long story short, crazy Max ended up on Dec’s drum kit.”

  I notice Max has a pair of drumsticks which he’s repeatedly tapping on his thigh. Those drumsticks just hit Aiden squarely on the head after that comment and the guys start bickering about who’s crazier. Aiden looks back at me and continues his conversation, batting off Max at the same time.

  “Right…anyway, so when Dec and I finished school we took out two years to travel and work, well busking around really, before we had to get back to the books. We roped Max in and started doing pub gigs when we came back from Europe, playing at least one gig a week.” He stops talking and downs what’s left of his pint before handing his glass over to Declan.

  “Well I can’t wait to hear you play,” I say, smiling at him. He really is absolutely adorable…shit…I giggle…I can tell I haven’t been drinking much recently. This one pint has gone straight to my head and it doesn’t help forgetting to eat properly today. I realize Declan’s put a new pint in front of me and I know I shouldn’t really have any more.

  “What’s so funny Iz?” Declan whispers at my ear. His arm’s snuck onto the back of my chair, his long fingers playing with my hair.

  “Nothing…just a passing thought,” I reply quickly, picking up my pint glass and drinking it to avoid him sensing my embarrassment. He keeps his hand in my hair as the conversation across the table continues. I really should tell him to stop, but I can’t. I’m enjoying it too much. We stay here for hours talking and laughing, it feels so good, so natural and it’s been too long coming. I’m enjoying every minute of it when I suddenly realise I need the loo. As I stand up I know that I’m way past that invisible line of merry to almost bloody bladdered.

  “You alright there Izzy girl, you want me to walk you to the ladies?” Aiden puts his hand to my arm getting ready to stand.

  “I’ll be fine Aiden.” I bend over and give him a massive cuddle and kiss his cheeks. “You are so much like my brother,” I whisper to him before it occurs to me what I’ve said. I quickly run to the toilet, find an empty cubicle and the tears begin. What the fuck….why did I suddenly say that, where did that come from and why did I direct it at Aiden? Aiden isn’t Zack. No one can ever take Zack’s place. Zack’s gone; taken from me. I’m not sure how long I’ve been in here. I’m standing in the cubicle wanting to magically wish myself back to my new bedroom; when I hear Declan shouting, I guess I’ve been in here a while.

  “Izzy, you still in there sweetheart?”

  I wonder if I can ignore him and whether he’ll go away if I do? No such luck, I hear him come in checking under the doors, I’m so busted.

  “Izzy are you feeling sick? Come on out sweetheart so I can take you home,” he says just outside the door I’m hiding behind. I can hear the concern in his voice and despite my drunken state, I know I’ve got to face him sooner or later so I open the door but can’t look him in the eyes. Instead, I look at his black scuffed biker boots that look like they need a good clean, or is that what they’re supposed to look like? Who knows. He tilts my face up with his fingers.

  “You’ve been crying Iz…why beautiful? What’s going on in that head of yours?” His face is so close I feel his hot breath on my cheek, his worry frown deep; his eyes full of concern.

  “Can you take me home Declan, I need to go home to bed,” I say as I find myself leaning against him. Thoroughly embarrassed, emotional and totally shattered. I feel my legs give out and he quickly moves in and wraps his arms around me.

  “Let’s get you out of here,” he whispers in my ear.

  “Not to my parents’ house that isn’t home. Take me to my new home, the old one can never be home again. Home is where your heart is….isn’t that how it goes? Well my heart hasn’t been there in a long time, it left when Zack did.” All those fucked up words just come out on a rushed breath. I never meant to say them; I’m immediately regretting the unbearable honesty that comes with drinking.

  “Who’s Zack?” Declan asks as we make our way out of the pub.

  “My brother…. Zack was my brother,” I answer, nodding my head at the others in a silent goodbye. They all look at me with soft pity. It’s embarrassing. Declan tightly holds me against his side on the walk home. Neither of us says anything and he never lets go of me. When we get into the house I bolt up the stairs and jump into bed trying to get away from Declan who stops when Aiden calls to him. He must have followed us home.

  From under my duvet, I can hear Aiden and Declan outside my bedroom. I can hear their raised voices through the crack in the door; I mustn’t have closed it completely.

  “No Dec, you’re not going in there, you’re the last thing she needs right now.”

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean Aiden…I’m not going in there to fuck her man, I’m not blind or stupid, I can see she’s hurting.”

  “Well stand down then Dec, okay…. because I’ve seen how you look at her and I know what you do…don’t go there. I realise this girl is pretty fucking special and I don’t want her hurting any more than she clearly is now.”

  “Swapping sides are you mate?”

  Lying in my bed I don’t hear what’s said next but I do hear the punch land. Shit, this is entirely my fault; I feel the tears and curl into a ball, making myself as small as I possibly can. I hear the door open and feel the bed dip as Aiden climbs in behind me. Turning around I put my head on his chest. He rests his on mine giving the top of my head a sweet kiss.

  “Want to talk about it?” he asks, but I shake my head.

  “Okay…but know that I’m here Izzy. Anytime okay,” he says giving me a reassuring squeeze.

  “I’m sorry Aiden. I feel like I’ve brought a heap of shit to your front door. You don’t need or want me and my drama’s here.” I don’t know what else to say so I stop there. I’m so tired I can’t even keep my eyes open any longer.

  The last thing I hear is him whispering, “Never be sorry Izzy.”

  Chapter Five

  I wake up Monday morning and feel like crap. My first lecture starts today, so checking my alarm I realize I’ve still got two hours before I need to be on campus. I get all my things together and go take a shower, I can’t help but feel a bit weird about sharing a bathroom with three guys; but I’m met by silence so I think everyone’s still asleep. Once I’m ready to go I sneak quietly out of the house to catch the bus into Uni. I’m standing at the bus stop, lost in thought when I see Aiden jogging up.

  “Hey Izzy girl, how you doing today?” he asks me as he puts his arm around my shoulder giving me a reassuring squeeze.

  I look up at him and smile all embarrassed. “Sorry about last night Aiden, I umm haven’t had a drink in almost six months; guess I’m out of practice,” I shrug.

  “Well, take it steady and slow next time hey,” he laughs checking his watch.

  “Actually, there’s a new band playing at the Student Union tonight if you fancy it?”

  “Yeah that sounds good, what time do you finish your lectures?” I ask checking my schedule to make sure I have the right time and block number.

  “Not till three pm, so if you want, I’ll see you at home tonight and we’ll go together?” he asks, while adjusting the strap of my bag across my shoulder.

  “Okay, sounds like a plan.” I mentally tell myself that I won’t be drinking tonight.

  Aiden and I get on the bus and once we arrive at campus, we have a quick hug before I go to my first lecture. I can’t wait to get started and get buried in books again. After three hours of lectures, I’m done in. Throughout two of them, I was so lost I realize l’m going to need to do some extra work. I turn my mobile phone back on and see I’ve got missed calls from Mum. Shit. I ring her back and it goes straight to answer phone. I know I have to go check on her now or I won’t be able to relax. Taking th
e bus back to the house, I can’t help thinking the worst. From the outside it looks dark and quiet. Getting my keys out I unlock the door sticking my head through first, nervous of what I might find.

  “Mum…are you in?” I shout out, closing the door behind me. I walk round the house, which is, as always immaculate. You wouldn’t even know anyone lived here, it looks more like a show home. Mum’s always been a cleanliness freak. I find Mum in her room. She’s sitting on the floor with photos of Zack everywhere.

  “Mum…” I fall to the floor and hug her like you would a child, tears beginning to stream down my face, just like on hers. Seeing your parent cry is such a heart-breaking sight. There’s not much else as frighteningly upsetting as that.

  “I miss him Izobel….so much; so very much,” her voice breaks and she closes her eyes from sheer pain. “My heart just won’t scab over and scar. It’s still cut open with my love for him and losing him; our loss, I don’t think it’ll ever heal….” She takes a deep breath as if to calm herself. “I just…I just don’t know what to do?” Mum’s face crumbles on a heart-breaking sob.

  “I know Mum…I know.” I start crying as my face mirrors hers. I take her shaking soft hands in mine. “The pain will lessen though Mum,” I say trying to make her feel better, though how the hell do I do that? “We’ll learn to live with the agony of it. If we stay drowned in the depths of it, I don’t think we’ll find our way out and somehow, we’ll get lost in the sorrow,” I say as I squeeze her tight, trying to give her some strength even though I daresay I haven’t much to give. “And Zack wouldn’t want that, I know he wouldn’t and you know this deep inside too.” This is so hard and my voice breaks from the pure weight of my emotions, but I need to get through to her. I have to help her. Mum hugs me back and I feel her physical strength, which is so unlike her mental state right now. She understands.

  “What do you say we tidy up the photos? Have you got any albums to put Zack in?” I ask her.

  “No, I’ve always put it off, I thought I’d do it one day but I never got round to it.”

  “Okay…” I say trying to keep it together. “Well why don’t I pick some up after Uni tomorrow and come round so we can make a start, what do you say?” I’m starting to lose it, slowly but surely. The need to get out of here is intense, my insides are shaking and I feel a lump forming in my throat, pressing at my airways making breathing damn near impossible.

  “Yes Izobel, my lovely girl, I’d like that very much.” She puts her hand on my face, almost cradling it.

  “Right, I need to go now Mum. I don’t want to be here when Dad comes back so I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” I start to stand up on shaking legs and hate that I’m leaving her sitting in a heap on the floor, all alone and surrounded by memories. But I can’t stay. I’m about to explode from my pain and memories. Everything is too overwhelming right now. I give her one last hug and run out of the house. I feel as if I’m trying to escape my memories. I can’t breathe, I feel hot and cold and all I can hear is static noise. A fire begins to take hold of my heart, I know nothing will be able to put it out it’s too far gone. Just like that day. I’m running off, scared. I need to forget. I want to numb myself to the point where I don’t miss the piece of my heart and soul my brother took with him when he died.

  I somehow manage to get the bus back without breaking down and once I’m in my room I act without thinking. I’m on autopilot; it comes all too easy, as if it never forgot. I shower, put on my black halter neck dress and my silver heels. I brush my hair out until it hangs straight half-way down my back. I transform my face into that of a welcome stranger from the past with dark smoky eyes. Grabbing my purse I leave the house again. I need to forget. Shaking my head I marvel at the ease with which I’ve slipped back into the role of a fucked up grieving sister. I walk to the pub we went to last night and order a large glass of Rose, sitting down at a vacant table in the corner. I decide to try calling Sofia. It goes straight to voicemail. “I miss you…I need to hear your voice…um when you’ve got a minute please call me, love you hun.” I hang up and start thinking of my best friend as I chug down my wine.

  The first time I met Sofia I was five years old and I thought she was an angel, an honest to God angel. She had the curliest white blonde hair that went all the way down her back and she was wearing a white summer dress and fairy wings. She always wore some kind of dress and her fairy wings. Her Mum later told me it was one of the battles she chose not to fight. Sofia didn’t leave the house unless she was wearing her wings. She used to say it was so she could fly off in a second if she needed to leave. Sofia was my angel. She knew everything. Even though she tried to convince me over and over again to leave home the minute I turned eighteen, she never judged me for staying. She understood. She’s still my angel albeit a foul mouthed one. I smile to myself at my memories of growing up with her. She’s got a crazy arsed zest for life.

  I stayed home for Zack. When Zack left us Sofia was there, all through the shock, the investigation and after. She hated having to leave me but she’d worked too hard to get on the exchange programme to give up her place at the last minute. She would have though; she’d do anything for me which is why I told her to go. I couldn’t live my life so I wanted her to. I told her I’d live mine through hers because I didn’t know how to continue mine as it was. I shake myself out of my thoughts, I don’t want to remember, I’d rather forget. This day is getting worse by the minute so I know what I need to do. I go up to the bar, order another glass of wine and send a text to Aiden saying I’ll meet him in the Uni bar instead.

  Me: Hey you, I had to go out so I’ll see you in the bar xx

  Aiden: I’m home now, what time? x

  Me: I’ll just see you there, oh and there’ll be dancing lol xx

  Aiden: I don’t dance!

  Me: Can you be the drinks dispenser then?

  Aiden: Really? You’re back on it tonight? Brave! x

  Me: Yep see you there in a bit xx

  I finish my wine in one big gulp and walk to the bus stop to get the bus into Uni. There’s a huge crowd on campus. Everyone’s turned up for the live band who’s supposed to be great. The band isn’t coming on till later tonight so right now there’s a DJ playing and people are drinking and dancing already. It’s not a big dance floor but it’s big enough to get lost in the music and forget. Which is what I intend to do. A copious amount of wine later I’m on the dance floor dancing with anyone and everyone, getting lost in the music, just what I love and need. I suddenly feel a hand on my back; my dress is completely backless so I feel the heat of the palm. I turn around and see a guy I recognize from one of my lectures.

  “Izzy isn’t it?” he mouths to me with a grin.

  I smile up at him “That’s right...you’re Matt?” I ask as he puts his other hand on my waist. Now, Matt’s pretty fit and obviously knows it too, but he’s just what I need right now and I know there’ll be no messy ending or secrets shared. We dance through who knows how many songs. Suddenly he pulls me really close and bends down to tell me something.

  “Fancy a drink and some fresh air?”

  I nod at him, so he takes my hand and we walk up to the bar to order another round.

  “Hey Izzy…you okay there?” Aiden steps up next to me and gives a suspicious head nod to Matt.

  “I’m great Aiden….just perfect.” I smile at him trying to convince him that all’s good.

  “I’m here, just so you know, come get me if there’s anything you need, and promise me you won’t do something stupid,” he says as he looks at me with a worried frown on his face.

  I feel a bit pissed by Aiden’s remark but I’m not that drunk that I don’t realise he’s looking out for me. I give his hand a squeeze and a cheesy wink. I know I’m near my limit but bloody hell do I feel great right now. Mission is slowly but surely being accomplished here. Matt and I take our drinks outside. He lights up a cigarette as his eyes roam all over me.

  “Bloody hell Izzy you look good tonight,” he groans
as his other hand pulls me to him. Throwing his cigarette away he grabs the back of my neck and instantly his mouth is on mine in one hard kiss. So Matt’s kisses are hot, I make a mental note of this, but I feel no spark. That being said, I’m not going to deny that I’m enjoying this. I press myself up against him and feel his other hand sliding down my back. This is not a sweet romantic snog fest; this is rough and slightly frantic. His hand grabs my arse and firmly presses me against him letting me feel just how hard he is. He spins us around so my back is pressed against the wall and moves his hand down the front of my dress. Right at that moment I open my eyes and see Declan standing not too far away, watching us and looking like he’s going to blow any minute. I wish it was him, here with me, but then my heart would be involved and this needs to be meaningless. That’s how it works; this is how I can forget. I try to shut him out and concentrate on Matt, but I’ve got nothing, Declan’s broken the moment. There’s no point now. It’s not going to work.

  “Matt you’ve got to stop…you need to stop,” I say, trying to push him off me.

  “Izzy….shit…why?” he breathes against my neck still running his tongue against my pounding pulse.

  “I don’t feel so good…I need to go.” I try to push him off me again.

  “You sure about that?” he continues to kiss me not listening.

  “Matt stop…please.” I slump against the wall giving up.

  “You heard her Matt, get the fuck off her now,” Declan shouts, suddenly right next to us.

  “What the fuck Dec….I’m not forcing her to do anything…take it easy.” Matt doesn’t sound happy. Can’t say I blame him really.