Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “It was the wooden beam,” I whisper, not able to open my eyes as I see it breaking off the ceiling in my head. “The whole wooden beam dropped like a fireball…Zack pushed me out of the way, so when it made contact…it was with him…it landed on him and took him to the floor. I lost all sense…I don’t even remember all the things I did to try and get him out from under that burning beam…I remember the smell, that God awful smell of burning flesh…the roaring in my ears so loud but I heard him…I heard him whisper his love for me and to get out, before he went silent, silent forever.”

  My words tumble out on a hitched breath as if the quicker they’re said, the sooner this will all be over. “I tried to pull him, I tried to beat the beam with pillows, I tried with my pathetic glass of milk. I tried……I tried everything I could. I promise you Zack…I swear I tried….I was weak…I couldn’t breathe…I had no air…then it all went black and I remember nothing…Zack left me….I failed him…I finally failed him after all those years of trying to protect him.” I’m shaking with violent crying and I really can’t breathe, I can’t stop the noise in my head…The roaring sound of flames in my ears, the acrid smell of burning flesh in my nose.

  “I woke up as they stretchered me out of the house with an oxygen mask on. I turned my head and saw a stretcher and even though I knew it was Zack, I was praying he wasn’t the one completely covered by a white sheet.” I feel so exhausted and my body starts to convulse. I feel dizzy and before I know it I begin to retch. Grabbing the wastebasket by his desk I throw up, until I have nothing left in me. I suddenly feel two gentle arms around me trying to still my shaking and I turn my face into a warm chest. I feel so tired and weak. Always so bloody weak. Time passes but I’m not sure how long or what time it is when I eventually feel all cried out. I retreat from the arms and look up into the concerned, kind face of Dr McGrath. I immediately feel bad that this gentle man has had to join me on the cold hard floor.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper motioning to us sitting on the floor together.

  “I’m so proud of you Izobel, so very proud, I’m rather proud of my knees too, I hope they make me just as proud by getting me up again,” he smiles at me and I imagine it’s the kind of smile a granddaughter or a much loved daughter would receive. In that moment I realise that this smile has reached into my heart, making the warmth creep back into my bones, my heart. I throw my arms around him.

  “Thank you….thank you so much.” I close my eyes and the exhaustion wraps me up tight.

  “You still have quite a way to go Izobel, but you just took the most important and hardest step on the journey to healing. We’ll take the next step another day.” He stands up gingerly and holds his hand out to me. I place my small cold hand in his as I make a meal of standing up. I have absolutely no strength left in my body. I want to curl up and just go asleep. He guides me to the couch and walks over to his cool box where he pulls out a fizzy drink.

  “Here, drink this and take your time getting yourself together. I don’t have anywhere to be and you’ve just re-lived a very traumatic episode.” He picks up my bag from the floor and places it next to me. “I think you need to call someone to come pick you up, I don’t think you should try and get home on your own Izobel.” I nod as if in a trance and riffle through my bag for my mobile to call Declan.

  “I’ll call my boyfriend,” I tell him as I scroll through the contact list on my phone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Declan

  I’ve just finished my last lecture and start walking to the far end of the student car park, the only place safe enough to park my baby, my restored Ford Capri when I hear my mobile ringing in my backpack. I let it ring out as I’m gagging to get home to Izzy. Shit, I’ve missed her today and I can’t help but think back to the weekend we’ve just had. I think it’s the most relaxed and happy I’ve seen her since I met her. The smiles and laughter, actually reaching her eyes for once. I know blokes aren’t supposed think about shit like this but I have no idea why the connection with her is so strong and why it happened so quickly. But I do know that I have this strong fucking urge to protect her, as well as an intense need to put a smile on her beautiful face.

  The fact that she’s a walking wet dream doesn’t even come first, like it usually does, which is unusual for me. Izzy has no fucking clue at all. Yeah I need to get home and be in her, I think to myself, as my jeans get tighter. Just as I unlock the car my mobile starts off again. I slide into the seat and dig through my backpack for it. One missed call from Izzy and three from Aiden. I hit redial as I slide on my seatbelt and start the car up.

  “Hey man about bloody time.”

  “What the hell Aiden?”

  “You need to go pick Izzy up from Dr McGrath’s office, she rang me to come get her but I’m stuck at work for another hour. Man…she sounded knackered; I think she’s had one hell of a session mate.”

  “Thank fuck I’m still here…thanks Aid…see you later.”

  I hang up and quickly get out of my car, almost running to the admin offices as my worry for Izzy only grows. I see her sitting on a bench outside the building, her knees drawn up to her chest with her head resting on them. Her long blonde hair is covering her like a curtain so I can’t see her face.

  “Hey sweetheart, you okay?” I ask her as I sit down and draw her into my arms. She leans into me resting her head on my chest. I brush the long fine hair out of her face, away from her eyes so I can get a better read on her from her eyes.

  “Yeah I think so. I will be, just really tired Declan it’s been a long day. Would you mind taking me back?” she asks in a quiet voice.

  “Not at all baby, come on.” I pull her up off the bench and put my arm around her shoulders, drawing her into my side as her head rests against my chest. She’s such a short arse but it only pulls more at my protective side. We walk to my car in silence and seeing as I suck at small talk I don’t even bother, because I’m pretty sure something major happened this afternoon. Izzy is wound tighter than a coiled spring. I open the door for her and I’m sure as soon as her hot arse hits the seat, she falls asleep because by the time I get in and turn the car on she’s making those cute sleepy noises.

  Once we get back to the house she’s still dead to the world, so I carry her upstairs to our bed. I put her down and take off her shoes and jeans. She curls into a ball immediately, almost as if she’s trying to get as small as she can. I cover her up with the duvet and draw the curtains. Once I’m sure she’s okay and fast asleep, I go back downstairs to get a drink. Aiden’s in the kitchen with his head in the fridge.

  “Any beer left in there mate?” I ask him as I jump up and sit on the kitchen counter.

  “Yeah…want a Carlsberg or Heineken?”

  “Carlsberg please,” I answer, cracking the can open when he passes it to me. I take a huge guzzle.

  “So, what the hell happened?” Aiden asks as he sits down at the kitchen table putting his feet up.

  “Don’t really know mate, she was done in though so I’ve left her sleeping upstairs. Once she wakes up I’ll try and find out. Have you seen Sofia today?”

  “Nope, I sent her a text after I spoke to Izzy, but I haven’t got a response yet,” Aiden shakes his head.

  I finish of my can and jump off the counter to go stick it in the bin. “Right mate I’m going back upstairs, give me a shout when Sofia comes back because I have a feeling Izzy will need her when she wakes up.”

  Aiden nods his head and taking the stairs two at a time, I rush back upstairs. Izzy’s still asleep so I pick up my guitar and sit down in the corner of the attic bedroom under the window and softly start playing Snow Patrol. I’m in the middle of ‘This Isn’t Everything You Are’ when Izzy starts to stir. I stop playing, worried that I’ve woken her up.

  “Don’t stop please, I love that song,” she whispers, her voice raspy and full of sleep.

  I pick up where I left off and stand up, singing to her as I walk over, before sitting myself down next to her and loo
king into her big blue eyes. She smiles at me, her eyes half closed with sleep. She’s fucking gorgeous, I think to myself as I’m playing for her. When I finish, I put my guitar back on its stand and get into bed, pulling her into my arms. We’re lying on our sides with her head resting in the crook of my arm, looking up at me. Her hand reaches up and a finger traces my lip ring giving it a gentle tug. I stroke the hair away from her face, tracing my fingers down her cheek and across her lips. Then cradling her face in my hand, I lean down to kiss her.

  “Stop,” she suddenly shouts and jumps out of bed. “Hold that kiss.”

  “What the hell Izzy?” I ask confused, as she disappears down the stairs.

  Three minutes later, she’s back in my arms smelling minty fresh.

  “Did you just go brush your teeth?” I ask her.

  “Yeah…long story,” she blushes, reaching up to pull my head down for that kiss. The kiss was intended to be perfectly gentle but with Izzy, as soon as I taste her lips that’s me done for. Her moan in my mouth, immediately stirs something inside me and I roll her over onto her back and brace myself on my elbows, taking the kiss deeper, tasting her mouth with my tongue.

  “Declan…” she says on an exhaled breath. Hearing her say my name in such a reverent way, makes me lose all control. I kiss a trail down her neck, sucking gently on that soft skin of hers, as I gently tug her top up. I’m trying fucking hard to slow down and make this all about her as I want to take away whatever hurt she’s gone through today. It’s not easy though as we separate so she can pull her top off. I get back to kissing, sucking and licking a trail down her neck, feeling her pulse on my lips. Unfastening the front opening on her bra I slide it off her arms. I can feel her heart beating out of her chest, her rapid breaths, as I run my tongue over her hard nipple, taking her breast in my mouth. Her arched back is telling me she’s wanting me to hurry up, but I want to take my sweet time with her as I kiss my way to her other breast. Her moans and fast breaths are telling me everything I need to know.

  “Declan,” she pants, as her hands grab the back of my head, her fingers tangling into my hair, pulling at it.

  “I’m right here sweetheart,” I say, as my tongue moves from her breasts down to her belly button tasting, every bit of her as I do. “You taste so fucking good Izzy.” I bloody love the taste of her, like sugared strawberries and vanilla in a fucking perfect wrapping. Pulling off her knickers, I find she’s already completely soaked for me as I lick, kiss and taste her until she screams my name in pure fucking pleasure. Pulling off my boxers, I enter her in one hard thrust. I hook her leg over my arm and grab her sweet arse for leverage, letting me go deeper, touching the part of her that I know will make her scream my name. And fuck do I want her screaming my name, I don’t want there to be any question as to who she belongs to. I lean down over her and grab the back of her neck with my other hand, assaulting her mouth, sucking at her tongue, swallowing her moans. I let her mouth go and suck at that soft skin behind her ear and bite her earlobe gently.

  “Let go for me sweetheart. Just fucking let go, I want to hear you scream my name,” I growl like some mental cave man. But this is what she does to me.

  “Declan…Declan,” she chants, and the second I hear her cry out my name again, I let myself go, my body losing all control.

  “Beautiful Izzy. Beautiful.”

  Hot and out of breath I collapse but roll us onto our sides, so I don’t crush her. I rain kisses all over her face, ending by kissing her deeply as she clings onto me for dear life. We lie here for a while in complete silence. Izzy is hiding her face in my chest as one of her fingers trails the tattoo across my chest and onto my shoulder.

  “That was amazing,” she says, as I feel her warm breath on my chest.

  “You’re amazing sweetheart,” I reply, meaning every single world. It’s true, she is so fucking amazing. We lie in silence and I can feel myself dozing off when she suddenly stills, alerting me to the fact that something’s changed, the mood feels off all of a sudden.

  “I told Dr McGrath today about the night Zack died,” she suddenly says and automatically I tighten my arms around her. “It was actually easier than I thought it’d be…but it really hurt Declan, reliving it all again. I can’t explain it, but all the smells and sounds were there, how I felt. It was gut wrenching. But I did it.” She sounds so bloody sad but kind of proud too. I reach down and kiss her forehead to show her I’m listening but I stay silent for her, knowing she’s not done.

  “I’m still a bit messed up and I’m worried you’ll get tired of me because I have a way to go yet and I know I’m not easy to be with at times, but I can’t lose you Declan because…I love you.” She stops abruptly on a hitched breath as if she’s said something she didn’t intend to and is scared of my reaction.

  I grab her chin with my fingers and move her face up so I can look her in the eyes, because I’m about to tell her just how I feel.

  “Listen sweetheart, because I’m only going to say this once,” I say making sure I’ve got her full attention as I run my knuckles over her cheek. She’s looking up at me with her big beautiful blues, so I continue. “No matter what you throw at me from your past, that’s exactly what it is, the past. Now, I fucking love you, you know I do, because I told you so and that’s not going to change just because your messed up childhood is still playing out in the present.” I search her face for a reaction. She closes her eyes and a tear runs down her cheek. I pick it up with my thumb and kiss her softly.

  “You know Izzy, if anything, hell, it actually makes me love you and want to shield you from shit even more, because I lived part of that childhood too. You know I did and the fact that you’re living with scars, tells me that yours was pretty fucked up. So no, you don’t need to tell me, sure I want to know so I can help you deal, but you do that when you’re ready, I will never pressure you to do or say anything.”

  As I’m talking, the tears are running down her cheeks in steady streams now, making me feel like a right bastard for causing her to cry. Shit. Wank. Bollocks. I try and capture each one with a kiss, tasting the saltiness as she sobs in my arms. She looks quizzically at my face as I tuck her hair behind her ear. She reaches her hand up tracing her fingers through the stubble that’s started growing along my chin.

  “I worry Declan. I worry that you may have fallen in love with a shadow of me,” she whispers grabbing my hand and bringing it to her lips. “I worry that whenever my back is exposed my scars will shine like bright beacons showing the remnants of my childhood for what it was; completely broken.” She places my hand over her pounding heart. “I worry that this will make you regret us and regret those beautiful words.” Her words cut me to my bones, the feeling so fucking strong and infuriating, I roll away from her, raking my fingers through my hair.

  “Jesus Izzy…no. No that’s not fair,” I shake my head in frustration. “And I’m not gonna let you push me away with bollocks like that,” I say as I turn my face to her. She’s looking up at me with scared eyes, so I know I need to show her; get my words right.

  “Violence doesn’t discriminate against who people are or where they’re from,” I tell her with a firm voice. “It happens, everywhere, the people who like to inflict it can be found in any place; have any social standing. They control it, not you. It doesn’t choose you and it doesn’t make you who you are. Not deep down,” I explain, wanting her to see some fucking sense, not put herself down when this isn’t her fault. I gently turn her over so her back is facing me and I can see her childhood, bared to me on the pale naked canvas of her back. “You did not deserve these sweetheart.” I start tracing the first of three perfectly round scars on her upper back.

  “I’m not going to lie Izzy, seeing these make me fucking pissed off and I want to beat the shit out of him. But they’re part of you; body and soul, whether it’s right or wrong, it’s part of why I love you, so don’t ever hide from me or hide behind these scars.” I lean down and kiss each one reverently as I hear her breath catch.
Her shoulders start to shake and I know she’s crying again.

  “I don’t want it to define who I am, for it to be what people see Declan,” she whispers.

  I don’t answer her; instead I push the duvet down further until her lower back is exposed, until I can see the small patch of scarred skin. I slowly run my fingers across it. I want to show her that scars are a map of a person’s life, a piece of their history which tells their story. In no way does it make this beautiful girl ugly. It shows that this beautiful girl is strong and a survivor.

  “This is you, all of you and I love all that is you, Izzy,” I say, as I move down her body and kiss the last scar, leaving my lips on her long enough in the hope that she’ll understand.

  “Oh Declan…I love you,” she cries on an exhale.

  We both must’ve fallen asleep because I wake with a start in the darkness. Izzy’s tangled in the duvet. I’ve never been with a girl who hogs the duvet as much as she does. I run my hand across my face and gently leave the bed so I don’t wake her up. Pulling up the duvet, I tuck it in around her. She sighs loudly in her sleep but doesn’t wake up. I put on a t-shirt, my grey joggers and pad to the bathroom to freshen up. There’s noise coming from the kitchen so I go downstairs. Sofia and Aiden are sitting at the kitchen table with a large Pizza Hut box open between them. My stomach growls at the sight and I quickly grab a slice and sit down. As I polish it off I pinch another one as Sofia slaps at my hand with a fake frown.