Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “Cheers, my pretty, brave and foulmouthed bestie,” I yell as we clink glasses and drink to just that.

  “Oh I forgot to tell you my news Izzy. Guess who got a temp job teaching. Oh and guess who I bumped into when I went in for my interview…oh….oh and I’ll be starting after half-term, yay me,” she squeals.

  I burst out laughing again. “Ah, that’s fab Sof, I’m so happy for you. Oh and who did you bump into?” I ask as I take another sip of my beer. She gets all shifty and has a drink which seems to last forever before she looks at me in apprehension.

  “Yeah, so I bumped into Connor. Apparently he runs footie classes at the same school and after half-term he’ll be taking over from the P.E teacher who’s going on a charity climb of Mount Everest or some mountain like that. Anyway, we had a long chat. He’s not only gorgeous Izzy; he’s a really nice man.” She looks at me and I know instantly that she fancies him, which is okay but does make me feel slightly strange.

  “Well that’s cool, a friendly face is just what you need when starting somewhere new right?” I say giving her my most convincing smile to show that it’s okay. She doesn’t need to worry.

  Her face immediately relaxes and she beams right back at me. Suddenly her smile falls and her eyes narrow as she looks over my shoulders at something. I wonder what’s up just as ‘Mr Brightside’ by The Killers starts playing over the speakers. I love this song and start singing along. Sofia still looks pissed off at something and isn’t joining in, which is strange.

  “What is it?” I ask her, as I turn to see what she is looking at. “Oh.” It’s Lina. Lina who’s currently hanging off Declan’s arm, pressing herself up against him.

  “Who the fuck is that Izzy? And what the hell does she think she’s doing?” she asks, not taking her eyes off Lina.

  I shrug, transfixed at the sight. “Long story Sofia,” I say as I’m in two minds on what I should do next. I know what I want to do and that’s march on over there and pull her off him. However, another very small and perverse part of me wants to see what Declan’s going to do about it. It’s perfectly blatant to me that Lina wants Declan; especially now she hasn’t got him anymore. I look to see what everyone else’s reaction to this scene is, my eyes catching Aiden’s, who gives a slight shake of his head. He obviously wants me to stay where I am. I know it. Max is busy chatting some slip of a girl up so no doubt has no idea what’s going on. I make a move to walk over there, alcohol fuelled disgust at Lina’s obvious behaviour tearing through me when I feel a hand grabbing my arm holding me back.

  “Not without me you don’t missus,” Sofia says, and we start walking over to see what the hell Lina thinks she’s doing. Aiden intercepts us and drags us right back to the table as I see Declan pull Lina outside the pub by her arm.

  “Where the bloody hell are they going?” I ask him looking incredulously at the pub door slamming behind them.

  “Sit down Izzy and let me explain,” he sighs rubbing his face with his hands. “Fucks sake, Declan should really be the one doing this.”

  “What do I need to know Aiden, other than what you’ve already told me?” I say starring at the door wishing I had x-ray vision right now.

  “Lina and Declan have been close since they were young kids, they grew up on the same council estate and both didn’t have it easy, so they bonded I guess, because of that. Well you know some of the story, but how much has Declan told you about his parents Izzy?” he asks, trying to get my attention away from the door.

  “Enough to know he understands what mine are like,” I answer, dread weighing me down.

  “Well not only would Declan understand some, but Lina would too, though for different reasons. Her circumstances were something no kid should ever have to endure,” he says, looking so devastated I can kind of guess what he’s talking about without him having to tell me the details.

  “It fucked her up emotionally, and Declan being the one constant and good thing in her life through it all…well she clings to him when times get bad. She needs him to remind her that her life isn’t like that anymore, that no one can hurt her.” He shakes his head as if caught in a memory. I feel myself completely deflate, yet despite her bitchy behaviour, I feel for her.

  “And how does he do that Aiden? How does he remind her?” I whisper, scared to hear the words.

  “Before you, well they’d….you know, get together. He’s tried to protect her since they were children, but since you, he tries to talk her down from the clinging bitch mode she goes into. It’s been like this for years Izzy. Anyone can see though, that he loves you and would never ever jeopardize that. So please, don’t fly off at him. Let him work this one out. He’ll always have this connection with Lina, but they need to sort it out, sort themselves out, once and for all.” He looks at me with sympathy in his eyes. Max walks over minus ‘slip of a girl’, joining us at the table.

  “What’s up guys?” He looks at all of us and obviously realises he’s the only one smiling when a frown replaces his smile.

  “Lina,” Aiden sighs.

  “Aah fuck mate not again,” he says, standing up while shaking his head with a fierce look in his eyes. “Let me go and take over.”

  “Take over?” I ask, as I look at Max leaving the same way Declan and Lina did.

  “Yeah, Max is one of the only people who can talk her down, give her back as good as she gives without repercussions. Being best mates with Finn growing up, he saw a lot of this over the years.”

  “Okay, well I don’t know about you lot, but I need another drink, anyone else?” I ask, as I stand up and head on over to the bar after everyone gives me their order.

  As I stand and wait for the bartender to acknowledge me, I hear a familiar voice next to me. “So shortie, what do you want me to order for you this time?”

  “Connor,” I exclaim, giving him a hug. “How are you?” I ask, genuinely happy to see him again.

  “All good Izzy. Back to work now with more to come after half term,” he smiles at me.

  “Yeah Sofia mentioned she bumped into you at the school,” I say.

  He looks over at the table where she’s sitting and I think I see something in his eyes before he turns back to me with a half-smile. “Yeah, she’s something else that’s for sure,” he laughs, as if he’s answering an unspoken question. It’s our turn to order so I reel off the list of drinks. Connor helps me carry them back to the table, then sits down to join us entertaining us with hilarious footie stories from his camp. I notice Sofia keeps sneaking looks at him when he’s not looking and I recognise those signs. They are ones I must’ve given Declan before we got together. Thinking of Declan, I wonder where he is and what he’s doing out there with Lina. A part of me feels better though, knowing Max is out there too, but the jealousy claws at me, I just can’t help it. I tune back to join in the conversation, when I suddenly feel a hand on the back of my neck giving me a gentle squeeze.

  “You okay Iz?” Declan asks, as he crouches down next to my chair, searching my face with a worried frown.

  “Yeah you?” I ask him hesitantly, not wanting to be the one that brings up the gigantic elephant in the room. He stands up suddenly realising that Connor’s sitting next to me at the table.

  “Connor,” he acknowledges with a nod whilst pulling me from my chair and into his side.

  “Declan,” he responds with a smirk.

  “Bloody hell guys, stand down,” Sofia laughs, but when my eyes connect with hers I see a shred of hurt in them as she looks away and over at Connor.

  “Want to head on out of here?” Declan asks, as he puts his other arm around me so I’m completely engulfed in them, in him. I can’t really blame him for being suspicious about Connor suddenly being here, but then, he’s the one who’s just been missing in action for the last hour with his ex. Someone who seems to have one hell of a long shared emotional past with him.

  I pick up my bag and take his outstretched hand as we walk out the pub. “Yeah sure.”

  “It’s n
ot what it looked like Iz, there’s nothing you need to be worried about between Lina and me, not anymore anyway.”

  “Yeah I know that Declan, I really do. It’s just hard to watch, you know?” I say looking up at him.

  “You never have to doubt for one minute what I feel for you Izzy. But Lina,” he sighs as he stops walking when we reach our house. “Well her story’s not mine to tell really and I know she comes across as a fucking crazy person. She can be a right bitch, I know that,” he stalls and suddenly lifts me up to sit on the low wall next to the steps that lead up to our front door. He moves in between my legs and grabs my face with his hands.

  “You Izzy, you were dealt a fucking shit hand but you retained what made you. Your goodness never left, you still shine and you’d never walk over anyone to find the good, because it’s still inside you.” He gently kisses me and rests his head against mine.

  “Now Lina, she was hurt so bad by her step dad for a long time babe. And Finn and me, hell even Max and Aiden, had to step in so many times.” He leans back and rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

  “It’s okay Declan, you don’t have to say any more, I think I understand. But I have to know one thing though, does she still want you?” I ask scared of the answer because I don’t know if I could fight that bond they seem to have.

  “No not like that. She understands I’ll always be here for her, I have to be, but my heart belongs completely to you Iz.”

  I put my arms around his neck and kiss him deeply after those words. Seriously, this guy is amazing. He’s gorgeous through and through and I love him even more for caring. And I do know without a doubt, that I can trust him despite his past and despite his involvement with Lina. The heavens suddenly open and rain starts to pelt down. I shriek and Declan turns around as I grab onto his back, accepting the piggyback ride as he runs inside, but not before we get absolutely drenched. Laughing out loud he takes me straight upstairs and we quickly rid ourselves of our clothes and jump under the duvet. I cuddle into his strong arms as he rubs my back, trying to warm me up, as he’s careful not to touch my new tattoos. I suddenly feel exhausted and start to drift off.

  “Love you Declan. So much,” I whisper.

  “Love you right back babe.” He kisses the top of my head and I sigh in pure pleasure before I feel sleep catching up with me.

  I wake with a start and realise I’m crying, the tears furiously running down my cheeks. I try and untangle myself from the duvet and Declan’s arms as I feel smothered and trapped, my breathing erratic and laboured. Losing my patience, I shove everything off me and rush over to the loft window, frantically trying to unlatch the old rusty window clasp. My useless efforts making me cry even harder.

  “Shhh calm down Iz, I’ve got it.” Declan moves in behind me, opening the window wide as I lift myself up on the chair and stick my head out into the cold night taking deep breaths. Declan still stands behind me and I feel him put his arms around my middle, resting his cheek on my naked back, which feels like ice except where his hot breaths touch me. My breathing slows and I relax into his arms looking up at the stars in the night sky.

  “You’re freezing Izzy, you ready to come back to bed?” Declan asks hesitantly.

  I’m shivering from the cold and the remnants of my dream so I nod my head as he lifts me into his arms and carries me back to bed.

  “You have a bad dream?” he asks, as he gathers me into his arms and pulls the duvet up to cover us both.

  “Yeah,” I whisper, not wanting to let the words out into the space around us so I leave it at that.

  “You okay now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay,” he says and squeezes me tight as if afraid I’ll disappear on him. I lie here in his arms for what seems like hours, unable to fall back asleep and I know Declan’s doing the same but neither of us speaks another word.

  Declan

  I have no clue how long we lie here in silence, just breathing, not a single word spoken. Izzy scares the shit out of me at times. She’s definitely coming to terms with everything but these moments of extreme distress make me so fucking angry at what she’s been through. I just want to make it all go away. But I feel bloody powerless. Knowing what to do or say…argh…fucks sake. I know there are no words that’ll take it away, every single one useless against a memory so strong and fierce. I know, because no words ever made me feel better when Dad lost it with Mum. And I know no word ever made Lina feel better either. Only strong arms and silent understanding did it for me, so that’s what I give Izzy, hoping it’s enough, hoping it’s what she needs. I stroke the hair away from her face and kiss it, hugging her to me as tight as I can without hurting her. Her breathing slows down and I feel her relax as those cute little sleeping noises she makes, start up. I have no idea how long I lie here listening to her breathe, stroking her, kissing her, trying to chase the memories away from her dreams, her nightmares.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I blink my eyes open to the strong sun streaming through the loft window. It’s finally the weekend and I can’t be arsed to get up and out of bed, I’m shattered from last night’s dream. I check the alarm clock on the bedside table and realise it’s already eleven am. Declan must have gotten up a few hours ago to go to work. Aiden and him both work at the same restaurant during the morning rush hour. Max got me a job in the old record store in town that he manages, but fortunately I only work week day afternoon shifts or week day evenings, so the weekends are all mine. I burrow back under my duvet and decide to stay in bed where I do my best thinking.

  The last month; the days and weeks are passing me by so quickly. I can’t believe it’s less than two months till Christmas. I guess keeping my head down, getting stuck into my coursework and my continuous visits to Dr McGrath are keeping me busy, my mind occupied. Dr McGrath and Declan are my rocks, encouraging me to understand that what’s happened was out of my control, that it was a tragic accident. I still hold my Dad partly responsible; for what happened, where I am right now and for Zack, Mum too I suppose.

  I ring Mum every day to check up on her. She’s still on her own most days, and I can always tell by the easy relaxed tone in her voice when she picks up the phone that she is. She’s still recovering and wants to be left alone. I fully realise that she’s pushing me away in order for me to create my own life away from drama and subsequent pain of hers.

  On the days I ring her and she doesn’t pick up the phone I know he’s home. Those are the days where I struggle more than others as a part of me wants to go home and check she’s okay. But that would upset her and I suppose me at the end of the day. Once she’s ready I’ll be here waiting.

  I must have fallen asleep again because when I open my eyes, I’m lying on my side with Declan’s arms around me. He must’ve finished his shift. I can’t see him but his steady and gentle breathing tells me he’s fast asleep. I quietly scoot out of his arms and sit up on the edge of the bed to look back at him. It’s been two months now and even though my confidence grows daily, I still can’t believe he’s mine. He makes me smile, laugh and yeah…I blush at how amazing he makes me feel. I leave him to sleep, wondering how long he stayed awake last night as I pad downstairs to the kitchen for my first cup of much needed coffee. Sofia’s sitting at the kitchen table furiously scribbling in her notebook.

  “Hey Sof, what you doing hun?”

  “Writing Taylor, the knob-head, a letter,” she answers without looking away from what she’s doing. “I need him to send me a reference letter from the school we volunteered at so I can pass it on to the Head of Oak Farm School. They’ve been really good letting me start without it really...” She sighs and face plants the table. “All I want to do is bloody rant at him for breaking my heart after all those years, for not even trying to fight for me.” She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m worth that right Izzy?…Worth fighting for?”

  I immediately put my arms around her, my sweet and funny best mate who’s always been here for me when I needed her
. “Yes hun, yes you’re worth fighting for, and then some. He’s lost the best thing he could’ve ever possibly had when he did what he did, and he knows it. Hiding away in silence like this, choosing the coward’s way. I actually can’t believe he hasn’t come back for you, after all those years together. I wonder what he’s thinking?” I say as I stroke her long curly hair.

  “Thinking with his knob that’s what.” She gives me a sad smile. I squeeze her hard and a give her a kiss before I go back to making coffee.

  “How’s your Mum doing?” she asks me as she puts her papers away.

  “Not really sure to be honest.” I sit down at the table warming my fingers by curling them around the hot coffee mug. “I was thinking about going back tomorrow to check up on her. Apparently she’s started seeing a new therapist. I’m hoping this one will work out for her, though what I wish even more that she’d see Dr McGrath. He’s such an amazing and brilliant man.”

  “He really is,” Sofia says, beaming at me. “I got you back didn’t I and, look at you hun, you’re doing great.”

  “Yeah, I think if I haven’t heard from her, I’ll go check out how she is tomorrow. I really miss her.” I make a coffee for Declan and top up mine before I go back upstairs to see if he’s woken up yet. Balancing the mugs I nudge the door open with my foot as I hear the gentle sound of Declan playing his guitar. The sight that greets me melts me to the core. Declan’s sitting in the middle of the bed, cross legged and dressed only in his fitted boxers. His hair’s a tousled mess as he sits there playing with his eyes closed. I can’t move or breathe as I literally eat him up with my eyes, listen to his husky voice, watch his long fingers stroking the guitar strings. My insides melt. As he gets to the end of Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ his eyes open. They look haunted and a chill runs through me. I know that look, recognise it and wonder if I’ve caused him to remember things he’s buried deep inside. I wish I could help him, as he’s helping me, and decide from this moment to make it my mission to do just that. I know he needs me as much as I need him. Declan starts playing The Scientist, closing his eyes again and singing really low. I still haven’t moved, I can’t. Just as he can’t seem to stop playing. I’m scared to break the moment so I stay where I am, listening to him, thinking back to when I first saw him.