Mirage

by Alice Tribue

It’s a promise I feel absolutely everywhere; a promise I can’t wait to explore.

  I give him a quick kiss and wrap my arms around his neck. “You want a rematch?”

  “Maybe later.”

  “Later when.”

  “At the house.”

  “At the house?” I ask furrowing my brows.

  “Yeah, I’m going to show you how I hit a hole in one.” He smirks, and I break out into a fit of laughter.

  “Will you buy me a funnel cake in the meantime?”

  “I’ll buy you anything you want.”

  “I just want you.” My words are brave, but they’re covering up a whole lot of vulnerability. The need I feel to have someone in my corner, someone who I can talk to, tell my secrets to, and know that they won’t turn their back on me. I’m terrified of what will become of Nathan and me when we go back to New York, when I finally tell him the truth about me.

  “I love you,” he says running his hand along my cheek. I only hope that he loves me enough to stay.

  “I love you, too.”

  He smiles down at me and gives me a squeeze. “Come on; let’s go get you a funnel cake.”

  ***

  “Oh, my God, this music is horrible,” I half yell into Nathan’s ear. He takes a swig of his beer and places the bottle back on the bar. We’re at one of the local beach bars right on the boardwalk; he brought me here after taking me out for seafood earlier.

  “The live band will be taking over soon; hopefully, he’ll be better than the DJ,” he tells me while we listen to nothing but loud techno music.

  “Good because I feel like I’m in the middle of a rave. I haven’t done that since I was twenty.”

  I look at the darkened bar, wall-to-wall windows with miles and miles of ocean view. Bodies writhing against one another pack the dance floor, bodies glistening with sweat, drinks in hands, and most of them are halfway to being shitfaced. The sight of them makes me feel claustrophobic.

  I lean into Nathan, putting my mouth right by his ear.

  “I’ll be right back; I’m going to the bathroom.”

  He nods and I hop off my barstool, walking the perimeter of the bar in order to make it to my destination. There’s no way I was going to brave cutting through the dance floor and risk being mauled. I handle my business in the bathroom and take a moment to fix my hair at the sink and reapply some lip-gloss before heading back out in the bar. When I finally leave the restroom, the band has taken the stage and I’m relieved to discover that the music is actually good now. I work my way through the room again, trying to get back to Nathan, when someone grabs me by the arm. I’m spun around and met with familiar angry eyes.

  “Collin. What are you doing here?” I ask, genuinely stunned to see him here.

  “I could ask you the same thing, Victoria.”

  “Weekend away,” I tell him being deliberately vague. The last thing I want is for Collin to make a scene. This earns me a shake of his head.

  “Didn’t take you long, did it?” He juts his chin out with a look of disgust on his face.

  I let out a frustrated sigh. I really don’t want to do this shit with him now. As far as I’m concerned, this thing with Collin and me is over, and I do not want to rehash the past or talk about his feelings.

  “Didn’t take me long for what?”

  He glares at me looking truly evil and more than a little scary. It’s funny the things that we notice about people after we’ve already wasted too much time on them.

  “I saw you with your little friend back at the bar.”

  I nod my understanding at the same time I pull on my arm, forcing him to let me go. I always knew he wasn’t above pettiness, but this is just ridiculous.

  “What I do and who I do it with is none of your business anymore, Collin. We’re not together.”

  “That’s great. I tried to get you to come away with me for as long as we knew each other and what, one or two months with that guy and you’re a new person? You’re actually open to having a life now,” he says, cocking his head to the side and crowding me in an attempt to make me cower. I do the opposite, steeling my spine in defiance.

  “I always wanted a life; I just didn’t want it with you.” It’s a direct hit. I can tell by the visible flinch and the way his face distorts with anger that I’ve injured his precious ego. It was never a hard thing to do because his pride always gets the best of him.

  “I was the best thing that ever happened to you. You think that guy could give you all of the things I could have given you?” He gestures toward the bar with a jerk of his hand. “I will be your biggest fucking regret.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” I snicker. “You are my biggest regret. I deeply regret ever getting involved with you in the first place.”

  “You’re a little bitch.” He grabs me by my upper arms and gives me a hard shake. I’m about to fight back when I feel his hands leave my body and he’s pulled backward. Nathan is there, spinning Collin around, and without a second thought, punches him directly in the face. I watch in horror as Collin goes crashing down to the ground with a loud thump. He tries to get up, but Nathan is bending down and pulling him by the collar until their faces are practically touching.

  “If you ever so much as look at her again, things will not end well for you,” he says, letting go of his collar with a shove. Before I can say a word, he’s snatched my hand in his and pulls me out of the bar, practically dragging me through the parking lot, until I’m in his car.

  “Are you all right?” I ask, trying to gauge his reaction when he pulls out of the parking lot and onto the road.

  “I’m fine,” he answers curtly. “I should be asking you that.”

  “I’m fine,” I assure him not knowing exactly how to feel about what just happened back there.

  “Am I to assume you knew that guy by the way you were arguing?”

  “He’s my ex,” I tell him, feeling embarrassed for ever getting involved with him. “I haven’t seen him in months; he’s actually the last person I would have expected to see here at all.”

  “I take it things ended badly.”

  “They ended fine for me. I guess not so much for him.”

  “What does that mean?” he probes, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. I reach out and touch his arm.

  “Please don’t be mad.”

  He gives me a brief look before turning his attention back to the road. “I’m not mad at you; I’m fucking pissed that that asshole put his hands on you.”

  “He didn’t hurt me, and he wasn’t going to. He’s just an arrogant asshole whose ego I bruised for about the hundredth time.”

  “What happened between you two?”

  “He was someone I dated for a while before you. He claims to have loved me. I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I don’t see it that way.”

  “You don’t think he loved you?”

  “His love came with strings and conditions, expectations that I couldn’t live up to. He wanted a woman who worked but not too much. A woman who was independent but still needed him; a woman who cooked and cleaned but wasn’t a housewife. It was just all too much; it was more than I could ever be.”

  “No one can be all of those things. Everyone make sacrifices. We make choices, we prioritize the things that we want, and that’s not to say you can’t have more, that you can’t balance other things, but you can’t do it all.”

  He gets it, he actually understands what I’ve been struggling with all these years, what I’ve found to be intolerable in most of my other relationships. His words leave me with a sense of relief and a glimmer of hope. Hope for the same kind of understanding when I tell him the truth in a few days; hope that he’ll stand by me instead of walking away.

  “I’m sorry that you had to get involved like that.”

  “I’m not. I guarantee you that he’ll never speak to you again.”

  “Then why are you still gripping the steering wheel like you want to rip someone’s head off.”


  He loosens his grip, and his lips tip up in a grin.

  “Don’t worry, baby. I won’t take it out on you unless you want me to.”

  I’m fairly certain my panties disintegrate right here, and I’m more than willing to let him take it out on me. As a matter of fact, he can take out any and all of his moods on me as long as it ends in orgasms. I turn my attention back to the road, letting the tension in the car dissipate. I never thought I’d be the kind of girl caught in the middle of a bar fight. In the past, a scene like the one that played out back there would have probably pissed me off, but now, after having been the woman involved, I actually think that was kind of hot.

  I’m not wrong; when we make it back to the house, Nathan takes his frustration out on me in the best possible way. He takes it out on me a lot and in various different positions, and just like I thought it would be, it is hot.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  It’s late when we get home from the shore. Nathan takes our bags into my bedroom, and I follow behind him closely. My anxiety level has spiked because I’ve decided that I can’t wait any longer to fill him in on the things he doesn’t know about me. It’s now or never, and I can’t spend one more night with him feeling guilty about keeping him in the dark. He drops my bag on the chaise lounge and turns to face me.

  “Are you all right? You were quiet most of the way home.”

  I take two steps forward, locking my arms around his waist, and burying my head in his chest.

  “I’m okay. I’m just tired and a little hungry.”

  He cups my chin in his hand and gently pulls my head up till our eyes meet.

  “You should have told me that you were hungry. I would have stopped and gotten you something.”

  “I know. I just wanted to get home.”

  He leans in, running the tip of his nose along mine.

  “Why don’t you take a shower, get relaxed, and I’ll make you something to eat.”

  God, I love him. I love him so much, and this could be the last time we ever have this, a tender moment like this one. I fight back the tears that threaten, force a smile, and nod.

  “That sounds great,” I tell him. I’ll just take the shower, do my best to calm my nerves, and then I’ll tell him. It’ll be fine—it has to be. You’re not going to lose him now, not after finally finding him.

  In the shower, I let the warm water wash over me while I stand there motionlessly. I run the conversation over in my mind, all the different scenarios and all the different outcomes. Nathan, I have something to tell you… Nathan, I don’t know how to tell you this… Nathan, there’s something I think you should know… I’m a Madam… I sell sex for a living… You know I’m filthy rich, right? Well, I’ve made my money by pimping girls out to the highest paying assholes. Oh, my God, he’s going to leave me. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s going to walk away. Every single bad thing I’ve ever done has come down to right now, to this moment where I’m about to lose the one thing that I want the most. Thank you, fucking Karma, you really are a bitch.

  I don’t remember ever picking up the soap. I’m not sure if I even washed my hair because it’s all a blur. I’m on autopilot as I dry myself off, run a brush through my wet hair, and pull on a pair of silk pajamas. I walk into the bedroom, quickly check my phone for messages, and take a breath. I turn my head up to the sky and sigh.

  “I know I don’t pray much, and I know that I have done so many terrible things in my life, but please, please don’t let me lose him. I love him.”

  I make my way out of the bedroom and look around. The space is empty; there’s a plate placed on the kitchen counter along with a bottled water. I turn to see Nathan coming out of my office while he zips up his backpack.

  “Hey baby, one of my guys just called, and I have to go.”

  I tilt my head in confusion.

  “What were you doing in my office?”

  “I wasn’t getting any service in here; I went to stand by the windows in your office for better reception.”

  I eye his backpack.

  “Hey,” he calls, and I look up at him. “My cell was in my backpack. I had to dig it out, and I just never dropped it.”

  I nod my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think I doubted you or anything.”

  “I know that. It’s okay.”

  “So, you’re leaving?”

  “Yeah, I’ve got to go. One of my guys called out again, and I need to go fill in.”

  “Is it the same guy who called out last time?”

  “Yeah, same one.”

  “You should seriously think about replacing him.”

  He nods his head and juts his chin toward the countertop.

  “I made you a salad. Go eat and I’ll call you later.”

  “Okay but there was something I wanted to tell you.”

  “Can it wait till tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I tell him. What’s one more night of sitting on this massive lie?

  “Come here,” he commands, dropping the backpack and opening his arms up for me. I do as I’m told, walking right into them. I command myself to memorize how they feel around me, how it makes me feel to be wrapped up in him, to memorize his smell, the way his chest moves up and down when he breathes, the way he tightens his hold on me just before he releases me. I memorize it all so that I can hold onto it once he’s gone.

  “You know I love you, right?” he asks, his breath blowing warm through my hair.

  “I know,” I confirm, choking back a sob.

  “Don’t ever forget it. No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.” It’s as if he knows exactly what I need to hear, the exact words to make me hold onto something, to hold onto a glimmer of hope.

  “I won’t forget.”

  He leans in for one last kiss, a final memory to file away in the event that the worst should happen between us. He pulls away, grabbing his backpack, and leaves me standing there once again hoping that fate will have mercy on me. I take a few bites of the salad that Nathan made for me, not able to eat much more as I have lost my appetite. Once I’ve eaten as much as I can, I throw out the remainder of it and rinse the dish. I head back into my bedroom, lie down, and turn off the lights, opting to sleep off the despair instead of staying up all night worrying about things I can’t change. It takes me a while, but I finally find sleep in the late hours of the evening.

  It isn’t until after I fall asleep that all hell breaks loose. It isn’t until after I fall asleep that I wake up in a panic as my front door is being kicked down. I scream bloody murder at the same time a shitload of men, all with weapons, badges, and bulletproof vests, come crashing into my bedroom. I know my life has officially come to a screeching halt as I’m dragged kicking and screaming down to the police station for questioning.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  ~NATHAN~

  I stand on the other end of the double-sided mirror, a cup of coffee in hand, with the sudden urge to throw it across the room. I stare at her sitting alone in interrogation, head down, scared, and looking very small. Too small. I hate it, I hate everything about this, and I struggle to keep my shit together because I can’t let on about the nature of our relationship. I can’t let anyone around me see that I actually care about this woman.

  I set the coffee down and lean against the wall, arms crossed over my chest as I look down at the ground thinking about how long I’ve worked on this case. I consider how long I’ve been undercover trying to bring down a Madam who has evaded the law for years. Years of thinking she was untouchable, thinking that no one ever suspected her of illegal dealings. My first case as a vice detective, and I’ve violated more standard operating procedures than I care to think about. In other words, I’ve fucked this up completely.

  “Locke,” I hear a familiar voice call, and I turn as the captain walks toward me.

  “Men tore that apartment apart and found shit. We got people in her office and spa now.”

  “She doesn’t keep anything there, she keeps
the businesses clean. I’m telling you she keeps everything on a fucking flash drive in her safe. I’ve seen it. If I knew the combination, I’d have gotten that shit myself.”

  “Eric, we got everything in that safe. It’s all her personal finances. There’s nothing for us to go on.”

  Of course, not. There is no evidence because I have it. The only thing standing between her and a fucking maximum security prison is me. And to make shit even more real…if I get found out, I’m going to lose my job, or worse, end up in jail myself.

  Is she a criminal? Yes, obviously, but with her crime came a purpose and it was important to her. I understood her reasons when she told me about her mother, about how she ended up addicted to drugs and eventually murdered. I could see why doing this was important to her, and as the days and weeks passed by, the lines became more blurred until I crossed that line. And once I did, I could never cross back over. Once I was on her side of that line, I was done, gone for her; I couldn’t stand by and watch as she was set up to be brought down. I couldn’t be the one to do it, but that was my one and only job.

  The thing is… she’s not all bad, all cold; she’s not an unfeeling person. She’s multidimensional, vulnerable but strong, independent but needy, and when she let her guard down… fuck me, I couldn’t help but to want it all. I stupidly fell in love with her and now… now I can only hope that what I’ve done is right for all of us.

  “Look again,” I say defiantly.

  “Maybe she moved it, maybe she knew something was going down.”

  “You’re insinuating that I blew my cover. I didn’t. She has no clue who I am.”

  “We’ll keep looking, but if nothing turns up at the offices, we’re going to have to let her go.”

  “If that happens, we’re never going to be able to get this close again.”

  He runs his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated, but doesn’t respond. He looks inside the room where Victoria still sits, staring at nothing.

  “She’s a beautiful woman, right?”

  “She is beautiful. It doesn’t mean she’s innocent,” I say, hoping I’m not laying it on too thick.