The HolyPhone Confessional Crisis

by Charles Brett

  “They do indeed. Mariano would be very happy. My biggest problem has been how to place the cascade of money coming in and put this to use in safe places and not under the proverbial mattress. Fortunately reinsurance is a great cover, as well as generating more income. Opus Dei has become a significant depositor in many Spanish financial institutions, so much so that it occasionally gives me nightmares keeping track. But the money will be needed, of that I am also sure. The scope of the political scandals in Spain, particularly those involving the Partido Popular’s ex-Treasurer, continues to expand and expand. They will embrace, if that is the mot juste, not only the Partido Popular but also the socialists in the PSOE party and eventually the church. Some of the past policies of both parties will infect us, if you see what I mean.”

  “And you, Noach. It’s the same for your Settlers?”

  “Absolutely, yes. The difference with Inma is that Settlers are people who do not save but spend immediately as if there will be no tomorrow. If anything they are always clamouring for more, asking why there cannot be more immediately. As my wife Tamar says — and she as yet knows nothing of our activities — it is an Israeli habit to think the world owes it a living and to grasp anything going, irrespective of whether that might be justifiable or justified. As an Israeli I do not like her description, but there is truth in what she says. Overall, and leaving aside the greed, my Settlers are using the money to make governing ever harder for those who want to see the West Bank given to miserable Palestinians. For this I am very grateful, as an Israeli.”

  “As for you, Miriam, you said that The Lord’s Church of the Second Coming with Our Redemption, or whatever it currently calls itself, could not survive without what you funnel to your father.”

  “That’s correct. In fact it’s worse in one way. My father and his followers have almost given up trying to raise any contributions themselves. Repeatedly I have warned him that questions may be asked, and if from the IRS these might prove fatal to his ambitions for his church. His reply is always the same —“The Lord will provide” — and then he completely changes the subject.

  “Indeed, as I say this, I’m wondering if there could be a connection with what you say your cardinal suspects. Could a US Government agency have tipped him off?”

  “I do not think that likely, Miriam,” interjected Noach. “Why? The way we set up the money movement arrangements is such that it is far more likely that it would be your father’s church that would be investigated first by the IRS or FBI, and only then might a path lead to a HolyPhone connection. The other way around seems to me highly improbable.”

  “There is one other aspect I should mention briefly,” interposed Michele. “You may have read that the Vatican Bank is being overhauled. What you may not know is that a variety of reputable banks, including JP Morgan, Deutsche Bank, and others, over a period of years withdrew their normal correspondent banking arrangements. Though never explicitly stated, one reason was that today’s anti-money-laundering provisions introduced over the last decade by leading Western governments made those banks suspicious of various transfers originated by the Vatican Bank.

  “As a result these banks were no longer prepared to execute payments originated by the Vatican Bank because they were not convinced that the latter was not being exploited by others, specifically criminal or illegal elements. Oddly, though I will explain why in a moment, these banks have remained happy to transfer funds to the Vatican Bank, provided they know where monies are coming from and that these are clean.

  “You will recall the payments by sinners for their sins are automated via credit and debit cards as well as PayPal and other mechanisms, depending on the country. The processors of these payments are trusted and regulated financial operations often owned by the same international banks. Ergo, when the source of funds is known, then those banks are happy to make transfers to the Vatican Bank. This is what has enabled the church to broaden the sin-catchment base for the HolyPhone into what are termed by some in the Vatican ‘new markets’.”

  Friday, Monteverde

  Davide needed the call from José Antonio to wake him. Once in his room in the refurbished Residence Monteverde he had dumped his bags on the floor and lain down on the bed. He had gone out like a light, without doing what was normally his first action on arriving anywhere — setting up his laptop and looking at email. Only when his phone had started ringing did he wake up. José Antonio was lucky. His mobile phone battery was nearly dead having not been charged since San Francisco. Recharging it was another normal thing he had forgotten to do on arriving.

  Within twenty minutes Davide was showered and dressed, albeit in clothes not a little crumpled after more than seventeen hours of travel. He had done the best he could before leaving to walk up the hill. He hoped that José Antonio and his friend would not mind.

  After walking past Santa Maria, he had found Via Gabriele Rossetti. He checked his watch. It was a little later than he would have preferred, but still less than five minutes. He should be okay.

  Davide walked into the Ristorante to be greeted by a lady. She looked at him with that Roman air he recognised from before, of mild and general disdain for non-locals, especially foreigners. In his Spanish-accented Italian he said he was Father José Antonio’s guest. Her face changed subtly to one with a more genuine welcome.

  “He arrived a couple of minutes ago. Let me take you to his table.”

  She led the way to a quiet corner where the nearest tables had been set less close than elsewhere in the room.

  “Davide? It is you? Welcome back to Monteverde. It is good to see you.”

  José Antonio shook Davide’s hand with enthusiasm, realising that he was genuinely pleased to see him again in a way that was rather unexpected for someone he had met only once and that several years before.

  “You too, José Antonio. What a treat to be back in Rome. Milan is not the same place, as I know all too well.”

  “Sit down my friend. I have much to tell you. Otherwise you will be upset with me. A glass of wine? White or red? White. Good. Giovanna - due bicchieri di bianco della casa, finchè Nelson arrive.”

  “Va bene, Padre.”

  “Davide, let’s start with the most important aspect. This meeting needs to be discreet, if you will be so kind. The reasons why will become apparent. My other guest is a man called Nelson da Ferraz.”

  “You don’t mean the Cardinal da Ferraz?

  “Yes. You know the name?”

  “After we spoke when I was at Heathrow I pulled as much information as I could off the Internet about the HolyPhone, or what I believe you call the Santofonino in Italy, onto my tablet and spent the flight to Rome reading it. The name da Ferraz kept cropping up. This is the same person?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hmmm. What will I call him? ‘Yrmnts’ or something different? He is an Archbishop and a Bishop as well, if the Internet is correct. Help me.”

  “Yrmnts? I do not understand. What is that?”

  Davide smiled.

  “A long time ago I read a book by an oddball late nineteenth-century English author whose hero in the novel accidentally becomes the second English Pope, as Pope Hadrian VII rather than Nicholas Breakspear who reigned as Adrian IV. One of the details that has always stuck in my memory was the word he used for when people addressed cardinals. It was Y-R-M-N-T-S, pronounced by eliding fast the letters so that it sounded like a strangled ‘Your Eminence’ in English.”

  A waitress delivered the two white wines without interrupting their conversation. Each took a sip.

  “How very strange. I have never heard that. But I could see how it could be in English. Written in the late nineteenth century, you say. Remind me to ask you about it another time.

  “Anyhow, Nelson is an old and personal friend of mine. We met a long time ago. Although he has risen high in the church while I have remained a simple parish priest, we keep in touch regularly. As you probably read, he is the man behind the Santofonino.

  “I hav
e to confess that its introduction, and the exploitation of your idea, may be my fault. After our lunch that day when we first met I told Nelson about what you described, more as a joke or an interesting idea. I thought no more about it but he clearly absorbed what you were suggesting — he even took your business card on which you had put a reference. The next I heard about it was about a year later when he asked me if I would help him test out whether it could work. I was, if I am honest, not very keen. But Nelson is not someone to resist easily, and he is my friend.

  “This evening I believe that he wants to ask you some questions and may wish to go further. No, I do not know exactly. I’m not sure quite what he wants but he was quite specific that first I find and contact you and second that you accept that what he will tell you should remain totally confidential, whether or not anything else follows. Is that okay with you?”

  “Yes, but on one condition.”

  “Which is?”

  “That I have chance to see what your Catholic Church has done with my idea — no, not just the obvious part in churches but the back-end and how it was implemented.”

  “I do not think that will be a problem. We will, however, have to ask Nelson. Davide, I’m sorry; I don’t have the power to say yes to what you want. But he does.

  “Oh dear. There is so much more that I wanted to say before he arrived, but he is here.”

  Monteverde

  Giovanna was waiting at the door, almost in a state of anticipation. A cardinal visiting again in ten days, even if it was the same one, was something to crow about to her friends, albeit discreetly. As Nelson approached the door she opened it for him. As before, he was dressed without ostentation with no obvious indicators as to his sacred rank. This time, being a warmer evening, he did not have a coat though he was using the same pseudo-taxi.

  “Good evening, Your Eminence; it is my pleasure to welcome you back. Father José Antonio is already here, over there in the corner. He asked me if I could re-arrange the tables a little to create some extra space around it for you. I hope what we’ve done will be sufficient?”

  She knelt to kiss his ring. He made the sign of the cross over her as she stood.

  “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you, Signora. I’m happy to eat here again. I enjoyed it last time. May I ask you, has José Antonio ordered his usual white wine? Yes? Then I think I will ask for another bottle of that excellent Vino Nobile that we had before, even if it may only be me who will drink it. You remember the one? Good. When you have a moment, will you bring it to the table? Don’t worry, I can find my way over there.”

  He smiled to take any sting out of his words and weaved his way between the various tables across the room. Giovanna had done a good job he could see. There really was extra space around their table, yet it was not too obvious unless you looked hard. She was a professional.

  “Buona sera, José Antonio.”

  José Antonio had risen and bent over to kiss the ring. Davide also rose but did nothing more.

  “I told Davide that, as a non-Catholic, he has no such obligation to you. Oops! I am sorry, Davide. Nelson, may I present Davide Shape? Davide, this is the Cardinal da Ferraz whom I have told you about.”

  Davide and Nelson shook hands.

  “If I may call you Davide, please call me Nelson. After all, that is what José Antonio calls me and we are here as friends. All I would ask is that you do not do this in front of others of my colleagues, should any such occasion ever arise. There it may be better to call me nothing or Cardinal if Your Eminence is too awkward for you. Others do the same.”

  “Ahh … Your Emin … Nelson …”

  Davide floundered, finding it not a little awkward to accept that he was now on first name terms with a man the equivalent of a senior government minister or more. It had not happened to him before and he really had been practising his ‘Yrmnts’, if only to see what would happen. Now he had no such excuse.

  Looking on, José Antonio was similarly taken aback, having never before seen Nelson offer such familiarity so quickly. Thinking about it, however, it made sense. Talking would be much simpler on first name terms but he would have to ensure that Davide understood that further contact with Nelson was highly unlikely after this evening. He watched Davide and Nelson taking stock of each other, amused that both were trying not to show what they were doing.

  “Thank you, Nelson. You are right; it probably will be simpler for me. You are most considerate. Again, thank you.”

  “No, it is I who should be thanking you for coming so far at so little notice. José Antonio tells me you were in California yesterday and now you are here. I hope that you are not too jet-lagged. I fly often enough back to Brazil, so know how long-distance travel takes it out of one. Please, let’s sit down.”

  They were seating themselves, with Nelson choosing to have his back to the room, when Giovanna bustled over with the Vino Nobile and menus. She was not going to let her nieces and nephews, however precious to her, look after ‘her cardinal’ — as he had already become in her mind.

  “Your Eminence. Your wine. Would you like to taste it now or leave it to breathe?”

  “Thank you, Signora. No, I am sure it will be as good as the last time. Just leave it on the table and we will help ourselves, though I think we might need some more wine glasses and some water with gas, please.”

  “Prego.”

  Giovanna was happy. She had her cardinal and felt sure that with three of them they would order a second bottle. Her restaurateuse instincts for profit had kicked in, and the Vino Nobile was especially good for her bottom line.

  Once she had disappeared Nelson turned to Davide: “I am sure that José Antonio has told you of the need for discretion. May I follow this up by asking if you will hold this conversation in the utmost confidence and not share any part with anyone without my specific permission? I am happy to take your word to cover this evening. If we should want to proceed further, then we might wish for a more formal arrangement. Will this be acceptable to you? I am sorry to be so formal.”

  “That’s not a problem. We have, in the computer world, a document called an NDA. It stands for Non-Disclosure Agreement. I am happy to commit this evening to a verbal one of these. If you want something written we can always adapt the formula to your circumstances, if that would help.”

  “Excellent. That is one hurdle out of the way. Let us dispose of the next. José Antonio likes his bianco della casa. I do not. It is a standing joke between us. Would you like some of this excellent Tuscan red? If it was like the last bottle we had you should like it. Yes? Good.” He poured for all of them.

  “I also suggest ordering now before digging deeper.”

  They turned to the menus. Giovanna came over. She apologised that she had no more Fiore di Zucchino. Davide asked José Antonio what he would have before requesting the same. He felt sure that the choice would be local and tasty.

  Friday, Monteverde

  “I’m not sure where to start, whether with my problem or some background. I think with the problem. What do you know about what we have done with your HolyPhone idea?”

  “Only what I was able to read on the plane, which was taken from the Web. I downloaded what information I could while waiting for the Rome flight at Heathrow. I’m sorry. I probably should have done more.”

  “No, no, no. It is I who should apologise. We gave you little notice.

  “What I imagine you have read is that we, the Catholic Church, took your concept and developed a plan to implement it. The analysis in your writings, while not precisely accurate, had the great virtue of simplicity. It forced us to step back and to think about what we were really trying to do. In fact solving the service and manpower problems raised by confession was less of our immediate motivation than the possibility of generating income directly into the Holy See. But we can talk more about this aspect later.

  “What we were able to introduce, as originally sketched out by you, was a new range of income streams, including yo
ur delightfully termed ‘sin analysis’. We now sell this to reputable third parties, mostly governments so far.

  “What has stunned all of us, including my critics (and I have plenty of these within the church), has been its success with our faithful. They have literally flocked to the idea and not only in North America and Europe where we hoped it might work because of its technology appeal. Today we see that appeal opening up across the developing world, linked I am told to the increasing popularity of mobile phones. The result has been a massive inflow of money to the church, which it desperately needs.

  “But that‘s also the dificulty. To put it as bluntly as possible, I fear something is wrong. I can’t tell you why I think this. It is instinct more than any fact I can present to you.

  “What I sense is that the church is not receiving all it should. In itself that would not be too awful, so long as the unintended recipients were in tune with the church, say our parishes or a worthy charity. Alternatively, what would be worse than any money being syphoned off would be any discrepancy that turned out to be going to destinations that could embarrass the church. As you will know, in recent years the church has not been known for its clean finances, to our shame. The likes of Calvi, Marcinkus and others have not been good for the church’s image or credibility.”

  “If I understand you correctly, what you’re saying is you have a feeling that something on the money side does not add up, but no more. I agree that is not much to go on. But I do understand your concern that if there is a problem it could be dramatic. I guess, besides any specific risk to the church’s reputation, you are also worried that if confessing Catholics found out that their payments were in any part being misdirected and especially in ways they disliked, contributions made via the HolyPhone could dry up. This could happen overnight. Re-establishing trust would then be tough, perhaps impossible.”