The HolyPhone Confessional Crisis

by Charles Brett

  “You do understand perfectly, though I wish you did not. Both aspects of what you say apply. We don’t want to lose the income and we daren’t find ourselves with yet more moneyed egg on our face.

  “So, let me now put this into a broader perspective — and, José Antonio, you may wish to close your ears … I’m not going to give you the church’s internal figures but what I will share with you is based on ones published by the BBC. These offer an adequate basis for our purposes this evening.

  “There are approximately 1.2 billion Roman Catholics. For simplicities sake, let us call this one billion. Of these some 40 per cent are in Latin America, 30 per cent in Europe and North America together, 15 per cent in Africa, and the rest in Asia.

  Within the Vatican we originally thought or hoped that perhaps 500,000 people in Europe and North America, less than half of 1 per cent of the faithful, might over time contribute something via the HolyPhone each week, perhaps $25 per person per week. Our first hope was that this would bring in roughly $50 million per month direct to the Vatican before deducting the costs for payment processing, the confessional call centre, Santofonini, etc.

  “What actually happened is that we already have something like one million confessions per week in Europe and North America where those confessing volunteer an average $50 each time, with the American and Canadians being noticeably more generous than most Europeans. In Latin America, which means largely Mexico so far but with other countries clamouring to participate, there are already another million offering something per week as part of their confession, although the amount contributed by each penitent is far smaller, at about $10 per confession.

  “Do the arithmetic. This now adds up to around $60 million per week or almost $250 million per month. Sin analysis, because we can produce by geographical area using the Santofonino location, is already producing almost as much per month as our original hopes from the Europeans and North Americans. This is set to increase as more governments see the value and combine it with their own researches. We have yet to open up the commercial opportunities that our agents tell us exist.”

  The first course arrived. It was as well that it did. Both Davide and José Antonio sat there astonished, mouths open. Silently they ate their first course, digesting not only the pasta, but also the figures.

  Nelson continued: “While the church does receive most of this there are expenses, from paying for the telephone connection charges to how we process all this to all the payments to the credit/debit card and banking industries. These are not small costs because we decided that everything must be whiter than white. To achieve this we pay to be clean.

  “Therein may lie, I feel, the problem. We’ve created what seems to me to be a highly complex set of arrangements where, almost deliberately, we’ve no means readily to reconcile what the faithful contribute with what the church receives. By the very act of delegating to third parties in order to be seen to protect the church and its reputation I worry that we have unintentionally created circumstances that may be open to manipulation, to the church’s disadvantage.”

  “Nelson, I never thought that you would be talking in such amounts. When you asked me to try out the Santofonino in Santa Maria I thought the objective was to make it easier for the likes of priests like me, to free up our time for our parishioners.” José Antonio sounded, and looked, shocked and not a little angry. “Are you telling Davide that we have concocted a money-printing machine of enormous proportions? If so, I don’t know what to think, except maybe to be disappointed –”

  Nelson interrupted, almost brusquely: “I certainly hope I am not deceiving you, old friend. What I was trying to describe to Davide is the material dimension in which the Santofonino operates. This in no way compromises the benefits you spoke of to me a week ago, and which others of our brother priests have discovered for themselves. The Santofonino really does help those in parishes with parishioners in need. Make no mistake it does not matter whether a church is in Rome or Rio, Raleigh or Rustenberg or Rangoon. All who work in a parish where we make the Santofonino available say the same as you — it frees them to work with their flock. In this you are not unique, you know.

  “Yet this is what’s both so special and so alarming to me about the Santofonino. It has multiple dimensions, most of which are positive. There is just this awkward feeling I possess that there are hidden negatives waiting to emerge and bite us.”

  “I apologise, Nelson. If you are right I am indeed being selfish. But the mention of such huge amounts of money truly alarms me. It feels wrong somehow.”

  “I share that concern. To put this in another way, we may have a tiger by its tail. Having spent several days and many nights awake thinking, I have reflected that we cannot even realistically reduce this income. We can only stop it. But that would also kill off the practical advantages that you and your colleagues experience.

  “The difficulty may be that there is no middle ground. For example, we can’t now say that any given sin justifies only a half or even a quarter of the contribution previously suggested. Doing this would cut our income as well as devalue the penances and the contributions.”

  “Nelson, now I’m not sure I understand fully.” Davide looked puzzled. “May I ask, how does the penance payment process work?”

  “Like this. Once you’ve confessed to one of our priests in the Confessional Call Centre (we dropped the Vatican in front, by the way), that confessor will state the appropriate level of penance that needs performing — say ten Lord’s Prayers and ten Hail Marys. Then the confessor will ask if the person confessing would like to volunteer to make a financial contribution to the church. It is the confessee who suggests the amount he or she wishes to contribute and it is the confessor who can then reduce the penances to be performed, according to a scale that is available online to the confessor in the Confessional Call Centre. Once both have agreed, the contribution is authorised by the confessee via the Santofonino and processed, either via credit or debit cards or via mobile phone-based payments or by anonymous pre-paid confession cards.

  “Is that a little clearer? Perhaps José Antonio should show you how it works in practice? Would you be interested?”

  “May I interrupt a moment here, Nelson? Davide mentioned to me that a condition of his discretion would be that he be able to see the whole Santofonino concept working in practice. I should’ve mentioned this earlier, having told him that I was not in a position to agree to this as it needs your blessing.”

  “I would have no problem with authorising that, assuming we sign one of those confidentiality agreements you mentioned.”

  Davide nodded, his eyes almost alight in anticipation.

  Their main courses arrived, supervised by Giovanna.

  “May I tempt you to another bottle of the Vino Nobile? I see the first one has disappeared.”

  Nelson, José Antonio, and Davide looked at the empty bottle and at each other. She was right. They really had consumed one bottle already.

  Nelson smiled, saying, “Yes, why not? I have the feeling we will be here a while longer.”

  Friday, on the way to Nahalal

  Sundown was close, though not imminent. Miriam and Inma were driving from Belvoir to Noach’s house, attempting to follow Noach’s car. This was far harder than they had anticipated.

  Miriam commented to Inma, whom she had joined in the latter’s car at Michele’s suggestion, “So you can get to know each other a better.”

  Noach must have learnt to drive in a tank. His attitude seemed to be that no other drivers existed, whether in front, behind, or coming towards him. He ignored them and somehow they did the same. For the less foolhardy, like Inma and Miriam, this was proving difficult, while still keeping him in sight. Luckily Inma had asked him to enter his address into her GPS so even if he got away, as he seemed intent on doing, they should be able to arrive before Shabbat started. Michele was following them, keeping a sensible distance without losing visual contact.

  “That is Israeli dri
ving for you,” Miriam observed. “Thank goodness he did not ask me to join him. I thought he might want to talk about my sister. When he has driven me in the past I was terrified. On the last occasion my imagination had me die several deaths between here and Ben Gurion. Never have I been so glad to get out of a car. Even facing the degrading process you have to endure to leave this country was preferable.”

  “Your sister?”

  “Oh. Michele has not filled you in? My sister, born Judith, now calling herself Tamar, is Noach’s wife. The reason for Noach’s involvement is his combination of financial and payment systems expertise. Michele and I knew each other from Wall Street. Michele once met Noach, not long before he probably was responsible for bringing down an Arab bank that many thought was funding some of the more extreme forms of anti-Israeli terrorism. Noach had to leave the US in a hurry. He took Judith with him. Nothing further happened once they were in Israel. The US federal authorities seemed almost glad that someone had done their dirty work for them.

  “When Michele approached me it was essentially to make contact with Noach via Judith. In effect my involvement comes from this, plus the fact that Judith and I share a father who needs the money for his dream, his church. That he also believes that the Jews should return to Palestine just makes some aspects more mutually palatable.”

  “Now I understand. I was puzzled about connections I’d not heard of. The pieces begin to fall into place. We all have a sacred mission of some form, one that provides a holy justification for our behaviour. Am I right?”

  “I’d like to say yes; however, I’m not certain. Noach has his beloved Settlers, though they often seem close to being irrational and unreasonable irreligious extremists to me. You have Opus Dei; one day I’d like to understand more why you believe that Opus Dei needs the money when all the gossip says it is very powerful in Spain and the US of A. I have my father’s The Lord’s Church of the Second Coming with Our Redemption, which is, if I am honest, as much about keeping him happy and away from me as it is about any beliefs. The one who puzzles me is Michele.

  “Inma, I know we don’t know each other, yet I suspect we are all going to have to get to know each other much better in future if Michele’s concerns do have substance. I probably should not tell you this, and you may disapprove, given your Opus Dei background. On the other hand I think you need perspective. The blunt fact is that Michele and I were lovers when we were working on Wall Street. The financial crash brought all that to an end.

  “This hangs over us in uncomfortable ways. We had passion and pleasure. We suited each other. Yet we separated and I have remarried once more, equally unsuccessfully. Now he is a priest. If you detect any tension from either of us it could be about our past. We have not seen each other since splitting up in New York before he headed to Chicago. All we have done is talk on the phone or via the Internet, which is a good medium for avoiding difficult subjects.”

  “Miriam, I agree we don’t know much of each other. Thank you for explaining and for the personal details. Michele did mention working on Wall Street before being summoned to our Lord’s work. May I ask — did your relationship with him have substance or was it something less? Do you regret what happened?”

  “Good questions. I’m still not sure what to answer. That’s probably an answer in itself. There’ve been times, especially when my most recent marriage was breaking down, when I have missed him profoundly, most of all in bed where he knew how to make me feel wonderful. On the other hand, he was not necessarily someone I found stimulating outside the bedroom, if I may be coarse. So I do not know how to reply. Equally, I think he doesn’t know either. His priestly clothing and clerical air are powerful protectors.

  “Do I offend you? I hope not.”

  “Yes and no. Perhaps I should share a confidence with you. I do not know what you know about Opus Dei. I was for many years what Opus Dei calls a Numerary, though I am technically an Associate now. In your terms an Opus Dei Numerary is like a nun but one who works to earn money in the real world while living in an Opus Dei centre and contributing to Opus Dei. Numeraries are celibate. Now, as an Associate, I live in my own apartment and can keep a proportion of what I earn. The rest is my contribution to Opus Dei. Living outside an Opus Dei centre means I do not have to continue to be celibate. But I have chosen to continue.

  “So when you ask whether you shock or offend with what you say about Michele, the man whom you previously knew, I understand at one level but not what you refer to as the bedroom level. In fact, apart from a couple of kisses and one brief grope when I attended summer school in the US in my late teens, I know nothing of sex other than what I hear. It seems to bring so much distress. I look at my non-celibate colleagues and my friends. I hear what they talk about. But do I understand? Not really. I’m not sure what the big deal is, other than having children. I have chosen not to discover that while in the service of our founder, the saintly Josémaria Escrivá.

  “Am I making sense? In comparison, you seem to be much more a real-world person than myself.”

  “Shit. Sorry. He did it again. But this time we really have lost him.”

  Moments before, Noach overtook a beaten-up van on the inside, where no reasonable non-Israeli driver would dare try such a manoeuvre. Certainly Miriam would not have tried to follow if she was driving. She did not think Inma would. She was right. Even overtaking the van in a legal way was going to prove hard on the narrow often curved road.

  “Thank goodness we have your GPS. From what it says, we continue on this road for another 8 kilometres.

  “Sorry. Back to what you were saying. May I ask you a personal, woman to woman question?”

  Inma nodded, albeit a little reluctantly.

  “I am not sure how to put this without offending you, but I promise I am not trying to cause offence.”

  “May I hazard a guess? Might you be about to ask why I dress this way?”

  “Right on. I guess, therefore, mine is not an unusual question. Is it something you are often asked?”

  “In fact, no. In Opus Dei and in my daily work this is not an appropriate subject for discussion. I work in a pretty much a male-dominated world and no self-respecting Spanish man would dream of asking. Plus I suspect my demeanour does not encourage familiarity.

  “On the other hand, my sisters – both younger, married and still glamorous – used constantly to go on at me about my dress sense, or rather my total lack of it. The good news for me is that they have pretty much given up but I was almost daily taunted with derisive comments like, ‘Why are you wearing that bag today?’ or, ‘Which shop did you manage to buy that ugly combination in?’ The same applied to my hair and even my spectacles.

  “When I had to support them after our parents died they demanded to go to the most chic hairdressers in Madrid or Barcelona or Paris or wherever we were. They had to be beautiful. By this time I was already deeply involved with Opus Dei, though not yet a Numerary. Frankly, I was not interested in their beauty-talk, nor did I have money for myself because I was paying for them. It didn’t matter to me. In fact it became a habit, almost in the religious dress sense. Today it has become my armour, preventing me from having what you might refer to as ‘bedroom thoughts’.”

  “I can sort of understand. You said before you attended a summer camp. So did I, as do most American children, though possibly at a younger age than when you did. Mine was, I think, unusual, though I didn’t know any better. I went when I was fourteen. By that age, even twenty or so years ago, sex was the dominant young teen hot topic. At my summer camp it was almost a sex summer camp. If you did not participate you were publicly ridiculed. The only good aspect in retrospect was that all the girls were on contraceptives. I learned much later that it was an attendance requirement, so that the camp organisers could minimise their responsibility. You can probably guess what happened. As a girl if you were not sleeping with a boy you were frigid. A boy who was not claiming camp bed-post notches was a public failure. It was six weeks of walking
a tightrope, indulging at one level, hating the obligation at another.

  “Looking back I do not think it left me with a particularly good attitude to men, and that has probably rubbed off in my subsequent relationships. The trouble is, and I have never told another woman this, I started to learn to love sex and later to crave it. I know how to dress and behave to find it. But it is ever less satisfying, while keeping any relationship going has never proven my strong point.” Miriam paused. “The GPS says we need to turn next right to go round Afula until Route 60. From there we head north until Route 73 where we turn left. It’s not far now; about 20 kilometres to Nahalal according to this.

  “Anyhow, changing the subject to things closer to home, may I ask what you made of this afternoon?”

  “You may be going to change the subject, and we do need to talk about what we discussed at Belvoir, but Miriam, I sense you want to talk more about what has happened to you. We will. Perhaps there will be a message from our good Lord. Maybe this is your opportunity.”

  Friday, Monteverde

  “Where were we? Ah, yes. What should we do if we find out we have a tiger by the tail? From my perspective the success of the Santofonino has also the potential to be a weakness. Our church cannot afford to turn off the monies that are flowing into it, which are already paying for improvements across the world. Equally, priests working in the field, as José Antonio proves, are finding they are released to spend more time with those in need. Additionally, repairs and maintenance long needed by the church’s patrimony, and at least a half-century overdue, are happening. Plus we now have the resources to make our church preeminent in the Christian world as well as fund deeper dialogues with other faiths. This is the Santofonino’s achievement to date. But, as I mentioned, something tastes wrong — and it is not this delicious agnello that Giovanna has prepared.”