First Comes Love: A Chronicles of Moxie Novel

by Z. B Heller

  “Ryan, go outside and have the valet pull the car around,” I said.

  He nodded and sprinted for the door of the ballroom.

  “Your parents and Kelly are going to take Dillion with them,” Renee said. “I’m not completely sure if they are aware your water broke, but they figured after that display with Martha you might have needed some time to yourself.”

  “Great. So now I’m fat and psychotic?” Moxie struggled to get out of my arms, but I held onto her. I didn’t want her to hurt herself by trying to pull any of her Fish Ninja moves.

  “Who said that?” Renee asked as she fisted her hands, ready to join Moxie’s fight.

  “No one,” I said. “She is being a little irrational because of the excitement and her water breaking.”

  “I’m coming with you to the hospital,” Renee added. “I have a feeling this is going to require some extra people. Especially if you value keeping your balls intact.”

  “Yes, I do value my balls, thank you.” I guided Moxie to the main entrance.

  “I’m fat, psychotic, and you have huge, low, hanging balls!” Moxie screamed.

  The remaining guests gawked at me. I could feel my face flush and I gave a small smile. I said, “They’re low hangers but very symmetrical.”

  I heard some people laugh, but the murmuring of the crowd drowned it out. All I cared about was getting Moxie to the hospital. She started to stumble and I looked down at her feet. She wore a pair of massive high heels and teetered with every step we took. I let go of her arms and bend down to take them off.

  “Fantastic,” she said. “Now I’m pregnant and barefoot. This is how you wanted me all along. Should I go find a kitchen to stand in so I can be your perfect little wife? Oh wait, I’m not your wife. Why? Because my evil stepbitch decided to create the wedding from hell and ruined everything. I’m going to have to live on welfare and food stamps.”

  I gave a puzzled look to Renee who had taken Moxie’s other arm. Moxie was becoming delusional which made me more nervous. I had to remember she just in shock.

  “Moxie, we have to go to the hospital now,” I said in a calm voice. I had hoped that if I stayed calm, she would in turn calm down. Moxie grabbed her round belly with both hands and sweat beaded on her forehead.

  “I’m not fucking going anywhere with someone who thinks I’m fat. Look at that woman over there.” She pointed to a cake-covered Martha, surrounded people that might have actually given a rat’s ass about her. “That bitch thought I was fat my whole damn life. I’m in a dress that looks like a jar of mayonnaise took a shit all over me!”

  I gotten the impression Moxie wasn’t going to move willingly, so I had no choice but to carry her out of here. I swept her into my arms.

  “Put me down!” Moxie swatted my arms. “I am not Free Willy. You don’t have to rescue me out of the waters of despair.”

  We arrived in the lobby and Ryan held the hotel door open. He gave me a look that said, “What the hell? You’re going to break your back carrying her.” I shook my head, hoping he would get the message. Moxie would jump out of my arms and go all kung fu on his ass.

  The valet had the passenger door of the SUV open, and I put Moxie down on her feet. I helped her in the vehicle as she started say something about how she was pissed that an innocent cake had to sacrifice itself for the cause. Renee got into the back seat of the car, and I ran to the other side to get into the driver’s side. Renee rubbed Moxie’s shoulders to comfort her, but Moxie just sat in the seat with her eyes closed and mouth rambling.

  “Moxie, we’re on our way to the hospital. I’m calling Dr. Ford so he can meet us there.”

  “My babies are going to come out looking like Oompa Loompas and be held captive in a chocolate factory. Then they will have to clean the tunnel of death.”

  “What’s the tunnel of death?” Renee asked.

  “You know, when Wonka takes everyone on the boat ride and it shows them cutting off the head of a chicken. My kids are going to have to clean up chicken goo.”

  Moxie then let out a small cry and put her hands back around her belly.

  “I’m sorry, my little Oompas. I will talk to Wonka on your behalf.”

  “She’s really losing it,” Renee said.

  I dialed Dr. Ford. He picked up after a few rings and his voice came over the Bluetooth of the car.

  “Dr. Ford speaking.”

  “Dr. Ford, it’s Miles Dane. Moxie’s water just broke and we are on the way to the hospital.”

  “Isn’t it nap time at the preschool? Dr. Ford, make sure you come with a clean diaper. Are you going to ride you tricycle there?”

  There was a pause over the phone. I’m sure the doctor was confused as to what was happening.

  “Dr. Ford, Moxie just experienced a traumatic episode and her water broke. She’s not herself.”

  “Did she have an accident of some sort? Is she bleeding?”

  “Umm, no,” I said. “But she did just release eighteen years of repressed anger all at once.”

  “Check into the hospital and I will meet you there. Even though her water broke, it doesn’t mean that she is going to delivery these babies any moment. We’ll check to see if she is dilated. Is she experiencing any labor pains?”

  “Not that I’m aware off. She’s been having Braxton Hicks, but they’ve been resolving.”

  I knew this could be a long process from having gone through it before with Sarah and Dillion. Sarah was in labor with Dillion for twenty-three hours, but I wasn’t about to tell Moxie that piece of information. She might hold a scalpel to a doctor’s throat and demand they cut the babies out ASAP. I tried to relax the best I could, but I was worried Moxie was going to have a mental breakdown. All these months Martha had lied to us, telling us Moxie’s dad was dying. Only because she wanted to have the wedding of her dreams. It was almost too much to believe. Steve must be a wreck. After getting Moxie settled, I’d call Ryan to see where Steve was. As I was rushing Moxie out of the hotel, I spotted him staring at Martha on the floor. I could only pray this was finally the moment where he realized what Martha truly was.

  “We’ll be there in ten minutes.” I wanted to reassure Moxie, but she didn’t respond, she only looked out the window with glazed eyes.

  For the next ten minutes Renee and I sat in silence as Moxie continued to mumble softly to herself. I didn’t want to do or say anything that would add to her trauma. I figured it was better to keep my mouth shut. I pulled up to the hospital entrance, and Renee hopped out of the back seat as soon as the car stopped.

  “Go inside and tell one of the nurses she’s in labor and that we will need a wheelchair,” I said to Renee. She nodded and jogged into the hospital.

  I reached for Moxie’s hand. She clutched the fabric of her dress. “This is it,” I said, trying to keep my tone light. “We’re going to meet our little boy and little girl soon.”

  Her glazed eyes turned to me, but I couldn’t get a good read of her emotions. We had just been through a lot and about to deliver our babies. I knew if it were me, I would have shit in my pants by now. “I’m very proud of you and love you so much. You’re going to be an amazing mother and wife.”

  Finally, recognition came back into her face. “But we’re not married,” she said in a sad voice.

  I cupped her cheek. “Moxie, just because it didn’t happen today doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to happen. We’ll just have to wait a little longer. Besides, I don’t need a piece of paper claiming that we’re husband and wife. I already feel that way. Me, you, and Dillion are a family, and today we are adding two more people to that family. I am a very blessed man.”

  Tears formed in her eyes, and I glanced over her shoulder to see a hospital employee and Renee pushing a wheelchair to the car.

  “They’re going to take you in and get you registered while I go park that car. I’ll be right behind you.” I kissed the back of her hand.

  “I love you,” she whispered.

  “I love you, too
, sweetness. Now let’s go have ourselves some Oompa Loompas.”

  The Pregnancy Guide

  Month 9

  Women

  It’s almost over. Thank fucking God.

  Men

  You didn’t think you could be more in love. Both your partner and baby are perfect.

  “Holy fucking, shit, fucker, whore face, ass licker, cow turd!” My deafening scream filled the busy emergency room.

  “I guess she’s starting to feel something,” Renee said, looking at Miles with a distressed look on her face.

  “Moxie, are you feeling pain?” Miles asked me as he touched my arm like I was made of glass. I was currently clutching the sides of the sterile gurney. It felt like we had been waiting in the ER forever, even though in reality it wasn’t that long. Maybe they were on the Let’s Fuck with Moxie Plan and they figured if a baby head was not visible from my cooter, that I wasn’t number one priority.

  “Get away from me, you penis fucker. You and your stupid penis just had to enter my vagina and spit out its seed so it could procreate. That’s all that men care about: spreading their stupid seed. This is not a garden people, you don’t need to pollenate everything in sight.”

  “I’m going to take that answer as a solid yes,” he said as he slinked away from the bed.

  There was a firm knock on the door. I had been quite vocal and the hospital staff didn’t want me upsetting other patients, so they put me in one of the labor and delivery rooms. Miles and Renee were both in the room with me, watching me intently. I think they were worried I was about to have some mental break down from what happened at the pseudo wedding. I tried to make sense of what had transpired today, but couldn’t process anything because the contractions were increasing in intensity.

  “Hello, I’m Dr. Newbauer. What seems to be going on?” A doctor with white hair and deep crow’s feet entered the room.

  “What does it fucking look like?” I snarled. “We’re having a barnyard hoedown and were just about to square dance. You’re right on time.” I threw my head back onto the pillow, squeezed my eyes shut, and held my belly as another sharp pain echoed through me.

  “You’ll have to excuse her, doctor. It’s been a traumatic day. I’m Miles Dane, her fiancé.” Miles extended his hand to shake the doctor’s.

  “How far along is she?”

  “Thirty-four weeks,” Miles said. I heard the unease in his voice. Even though twins often came earlier than the actual due date, this was still earlier than expected. It was always the hope the mother could carry the pregnancy as long as she could so everything developed correctly. I thought I was going to hold out longer. Even though I was having small contractions here and there, I felt okay. The stress of earlier seemed to be enough to put me into labor. Maybe my children wanted to come out and kick Martha in the face to protect my honor.

  “Let me examine her and see where she’s at. Then we can make some decisions about what to do next. Have you already contacted her OBGYN?”

  “Hello? I’m right here, assholes! And no, we contacted the mother ship, and they said they’ll beam someone down to collect the alien spawn,” I said, moaning and throwing my arm over my eyes.

  “Yes, we called him on our way over,” Miles said, correcting me.

  I heard cabinets opening and gloves being put on. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to search my cooch. I preferred to lay in bed and pray that there were enough drugs in the hospital to alleviate some of the pain.

  “Moxie, I’m going to lift up your gown. I need you to open your legs and let your knees fall to the sides,” the doctor said.

  “That’s how I got into this mess in the first place. He told me to spread them.” I groaned.

  Miles chuckled and I shot imaginary daggers at him. He pressed his lips together and pretended to use a key to lock them shut. The doctor put some lubricant on his fingers and slipped them inside of me.

  “Holy fuzzy shit balls,” I screamed.

  He withdrew his fingers and snapped the gloves off his hands. “She’s about five centimeters. At this point I think we should proceed with the labor. Once your regular OBGYN comes in, he’ll to tell you how to proceed further. Someone will be in soon to transfer you up to labor and delivery.”

  “Thanks,” Miles said as the doctor walked left.

  Renee looked down and me. “Moxie, you’re going to have the babies today!”

  “I want drugs. Someone get me some ecstasy or LSD so I can mentally remove myself from the situation.” I moaned.

  “You’re in labor, sweetness, not at a rave,” Miles said, coming up to the other side of the bed.

  A few minutes later I was transported up to labor and delivery and wheeled into one of the birthing suites. I had to admit the place was pretty swanky for a hospital. The walls were painted robin’s-egg blue and a wooden chair rail that wrapped around the room. Matching wood cabinets, which I assumed stored medical equipment, were on the furthest wall and a large bed sat in the middle of the room. A nurse helped me off the gurney and onto the bed, readjusting the fetal monitor that was placed around my stomach when I came into the hospital. We quickly heard the fast thumping heartbeats of the babies. The nurse wrapped a pulse monitor around my finger and another nurse came in to start an IV.

  “Are you the nice lady with the drugs?” I asked her with pleading eyes.

  “Sorry, sweetie, We’re waiting for the doctor on the floor to decide if you will be able to have an epidural.” The nurse tried to be as sweet and comforting as she could.

  “Wait, what? There’s a chance I might not get an epidural?” I started to shake and sweat dripped down my forehead. “I did not sign up for a natural birth! There is no way these babies are coming out of my vagina without me being numb from the waist down. I will cross my legs and hold them hostage in there until someone sticks a needle in me and clears the pathway for landing. Is that clear to everyone in the room?”

  “Moxie, the doctor has to give approval for the epidural.” Miles rubbed my arm.

  “No! It will not go down this way. I came to terms about having children. I came to terms about my body may never look the same ever again. I even came to terms with my vagina looking like shaved roast beef after this is all said and done. I did not agree to having a natural birth. Go. Get. The. Fucking. Drugs.”

  The nurse glanced between Miles and Renee. She didn’t know whether to get a doctor or a straitjacket. “Is she always like this?” The nurse asked Renee.

  “Oh no, she’s not. Moxie is pretty calm right now if you ask me.” Renee grinned at the nurse.

  The nurse widened her eyes and quickly finished putting the IV in. She rushed out of the room faster than I could blink. Miles took my hand in his own and gave it a little squeeze. I know I was being a pain in the ass, but I was scared shitless. My son and daughter were on their way, and I felt completely unprepared. What happened with Martha today was just more of a confirmation to me that I had no idea what motherhood meant. Throughout most of my life I only experienced negativity and anxiety when it came to the mother figure in my life. What’s to say I wasn’t going to pass that on to my own children. Even with the help of Dr. Gerber, I still carried that fear with me.

  I closed my eyes.

  “I can see the wheels spinning in your head.”

  “They’re coming, Miles, and I’m not ready.” My voice wobbled.

  “Moxie, you’ll never be ready. None of us ever are when children come into the picture. I was a wreck before Dillion came. I didn’t have the experience you have with children so everything was so unknown. Even now, having Dillion doesn’t mean I’m not scared about these two coming into our lives. You can’t predict what’s going to happen. All we can do is our best and try to lead them the best way we know how.”

  “I don’t know how to be a mother. Look at my only example.”

  “There isn’t an instructional manual for motherhood. Even though you didn’t give birth to Dillion you still love him and protect him. You would
do anything for him. I see it all the time. It doesn’t matter that Martha was the one example you had in your life, you naturally know how to love others despite that. You fell in love with me, and you, Dillion, and I are a family. Soon we will be a family of five.” Miles kissed my hand. In that moment I didn’t need a white dress, flowers, or anyone telling me that we were husband and wife. Miles was all mine, heart and soul.

  “It’s like the show Party of Five,” I said.

  “Sort of. But I’m a lot hotter than Matthew Fox and you’re a lot sexier then Lacey Chabert.”

  “Wasn’t she the one who played the youngest child?” I asked

  “Yeah.”

  “Ew, you’re comparing me with a child! That’s nasty.”

  Before Miles could respond, Ryan came running into the room. “Did we miss it? Are they here? Did you keep the placenta?”

  “No, asshole, you didn’t miss anything except Moxie having a mental breakdown, which was somewhat humorous,” Renee replied.

  “Shithole, fuck face, mother puss bucket, testicular sucker!” I screamed.

  “Oh my God, Moxie has Tourette’s.” Ryan covered his mouth with his hand.

  “No, that would be a contraction,” Miles said, pointing to the monitor printout.

  I was starting to think my insides were going to explode. I watched a million episodes of A Baby Story on TLC and always thought the women on that show were such pussies. I figured labor was like having a bad period. But this was like period cramps times a billion. I swore to myself I was going to write each one of those women an apology note when this was over. I grabbed the railing of the bed and tried to remember my Lamaze. Why didn’t I pay more attention instead of making fun of the fake baby’s little testicles? The door to the room opened and Dr. Ford came in with one of the nurses. Even though I was in raging pain, I didn’t miss the look Ryan and Dr. Ford gave each other when he walked in. I would have to remember to interrogate Ryan about—