The Wonder Weeks

by D van de Rijt

  "My little one is in such a cheerful mood now. She laughs and 'tells stories.' It's wonderful to watch her."

  Juliette's mom, 23rd week

  "I'm enjoying every minute I spend with my daughter again. She's such a cutie, really easygoing."

  Ashley's mom, 22nd week

  "My son is suddenly easier. He's back in a regular routine, and he's sleeping better."

  Frankie's mom, 23rd week

  "My son is surprisingly sweet and cheerful. He goes to sleep without any complaining, which is an achievement in itself. He sleeps much longer now in the afternoons, compared to these past weeks. He's so different from how he was several months ago when he cried all day. Apart from a few ups and downs now and again, things are steadily improving."

  Paul's mom, 22nd week

  Chapter 7

  Wonder Week 26:

  The World of Relationships

  Note: The first phase (fussy period) of this leap into the perceptual world of "relationships" is age-linked and predictable, emerging about 23 weeks. Most babies start the second phase (see box "Quality Time: An Unnatural Whim" on page 17) of this leap 26 weeks after full-term birth. It sets in motion the development of a whole range of skills and activities. However, the age at which these skills and activities appear for the first time varies greatly and depends on your baby's preferences, experimentation and physical development. For example, the ability to perceive spatial relationships is a necessary precondition for "crawling inside or under things," but this skill normally appears anywhere from 6 to 11 months. Skills and activities are mentioned in this chapter at the earliest possible age they might appear so you can watch for and recognize them. (They may be rudimentary at first.) This way you can respond to and facilitate your baby's development.

  At about 26 weeks, your baby will start to show the signs of yet another significant leap in his development. If you watch closely, you will see him doing or attempting to do many new things. Whether or not he is crawling at this stage, he will have become significantly more mobile as he learns to coordinate the action of his arms and legs and the rest of his body. Building on his knowledge of events, he his now able to begin to understand the many kinds of relationships among the things that make up his world.

  One of the most significant relationships that your baby can now perceive is the distance between one thing and another. We take this for granted as adults, but for a baby it is an alarming discovery, a very radical change in his world. The world is suddenly a very big place in which he is but a tiny, if very vocal, speck. Something he wants can be on a high shelf or outside the range of his crib, and he has no way of getting to it. His mother can walk away, even if only into the next room, and she might as well have gone to China if he can’t get to her because he’s stuck in his crib or hasn’t yet mastered crawling. Even if he is adept at crawling, he realizes that she moves much faster than he does and can get away from him.

  This discovery can be very frightening for a baby, and it may make these few weeks quite taxing for his parents. But when you understand the source of this fear and uneasiness, there are many things you will be able to do to help. Naturally, once your baby learns to negotiate the space around him and control the distance between himself and the things he wants, he will be able to do much more on his own than he used to. But there will be a period during which he will need a lot of support.

  Entering the world of relationships will affect everything your baby perceives and does. He senses these changes taking place at around 23 weeks, and that’s when the disturbances begin. Caught up in a tangle of new impressions, he needs to touch base, return to his mommy, and cling to her for comfort. The familiar feeling of security and warmth she provides will help him to relax, let the newness sink in, and grow into the new world at his own pace. This fussy period often lasts about 4 weeks, although it may be as short as 1 week or as long as 5. Since one of the important skills he has to learn during this leap is how to handle the distance between his mom and himself, your baby may actually become fussy again for a while around 29 weeks, after his new skills have started to take wing. Do remember that if your baby is fussy, watch him closely to see if he is attempting to master new skills.

  When your baby becomes aware that her world is changing, she will usually cry more easily. Many mothers may now call their babies cranky, bad-tempered, whiny, or discontented. If your baby is already strong willed, she may come across as being even more restless, impatient, or troublesome. Almost all babies will cry less when they are picked up and cuddled, nestled up against mommy, or at least kept company while they’re playing.

  “My baby is starting to stand up for herself more and more. She makes demands, angrily ordering me to come to her or stay with her. In this way, she makes sure I am there to help reach her toys.”

  Hannah’s mom, 25th week

  How You Know It’s Time to Grow

  Here are some of the signals that your baby may give you to let you know he’s approaching this leap into the world of relationships.

  She May Sleep Poorly

  Your baby may sleep less than you are used to. Most babies have difficulty falling asleep or wake up sooner. Some don’t want to nap during the day, and others don’t want to go to bed at night. There are even those who refuse to do either.

  “Bedtime and naptime are accompanied by terrible screaming fits. My son yells furiously and practically climbs the walls. He’ll shout at the top of his voice and practically wind himself. I just can’t handle it. It seems as if I never see him lying peacefully in his crib anymore. I just pray it doesn’t last forever.”

  Bob’s mom, 26th week

  “My baby’s rhythm is totally off because he keeps waking up a little earlier each day. But apart from that, his sleep is normal.”

  Frankie’s mom, 25th week

  She May Have “Nightmares”

  Your baby may sleep uneasily at this time. Sometimes, babies can toss and turn and thrash about so much during their sleep that it looks as if they’re having nightmares.

  “My daughter is a very restless sleeper. Sometimes, she’ll let out a scream with her eyes closed, as if she’s having a nightmare. So I’ll lift her up for a minute to comfort her. These days, I usually let her play in the bathtub in the evening. I’m hoping it will calm her down and make her sleepier.”

  Emily’s mom, 23rd week

  She May Become Shyer

  Your baby may not want other people to look at him, talk to him, or touch him, and he certainly won’t want to sit on their laps. He may even start to want you in plain sight more often from this age on, even when there aren’t any strangers around. Almost every mother will notice this now. At this age, shyness is especially obvious, for a very good reason—your baby is now able to understand that you can walk away and leave him behind.

  “My baby gets shyer every day now. I need to be where he can see me at all times, and it has to be close to him. If I walk away, he’ll try to crawl right after me.”

  Matt’s mom, 26th week

  “Even when I sit, I can hardly move without my daughter crying out in fear.”

  Ashley’s mom, 23rd week

  She May Demand More Attention

  Your baby may want you to stay with her longer, play with her more, or just look at her and her alone.

  “My daughter is easily discontented and has to be kept busy. When she wakes up in her crib, for instance, she’s really eager to see one of us right away. Also, she’s quick to react. She doesn’t just cry; she gets really mad. She’s developing a will of her own.”

  Hannah’s mom, 26th week

  “All my baby wants is to get out of his playpen. I really have to keep him occupied on my lap or walk around with him.”

  Frankie’s mom, 27th week

  “My daughter was up to mischief all the time, behaving badly and acting cranky when she wanted attention. I had to play with her or find some way to occupy her all day long. As long as I did that, everything was okay.”


  Jenny’s mom, 25th week

  She May Always Want to Be with You

  Your baby may insist on remaining in your arms. Many babies don’t want to be put down very much. But some are not completely satisfied with the peaceful rest on mommy’s lap that they cried for. As soon as they reach their goal, they start to push off and reach out for interesting things in the world around them.

  “My son keeps on bothering me to sit on my lap. But as soon as I take him, there’s almost no controlling him. He crawls all over me and gropes around like a monkey for anything he can get his hands on. It bothers me. I try playing games, but it’s a waste of time. So he doesn’t feel like playing with me, okay, but at least he could stop being so difficult. To be honest, I feel rejected when he refuses to play my game, so I put him back in his playpen. But as soon as I do, he’ll immediately start wailing for me again.”

  Matt’s mom, 27th week

  The Gender Gap

  Girls who want physical contact usually agree to play with their mothers, but boys who want physical contact insist on exploring the world around them at the same time.

  She May Lose Her Appetite

  Both babies who are breastfed and those who are bottle-fed sometimes drink less milk or refuse to drink at all. Other food and drink may be rejected, too. Often, babies also take longer to finish their meals. Somehow they seem to prefer the comfort of sucking or playing with the nipple over the contents of the bottle or breast.

  “My baby always refuses to nurse in the morning and at night. He just pushes my breast away, and it really hurts. Then, when he’s in bed and can’t get to sleep, he does want to nurse. He’ll drink a little and doze off in the middle of it.”

  Matt’s mom, 26th week

  She May Be Listless

  Your baby may stop making her familiar sounds. Or she may lie motionless, gazing around or staring in front of her. Mothers always find this behavior odd and alarming.

  “Sometimes, all of a sudden, my little one will stare or gaze around silently. On days when she does it more than once, it makes me feel insecure. I start to wonder whether perhaps there’s something wrong. I’m not accustomed to seeing her that way. So lifeless. As if she’s sick or mentally challenged.”

  Juliette’s mom, 24th week

  She May Refuse to Have Her Diaper Changed

  Your baby may cry, kick, toss, and turn when she is set down to be changed or dressed. Many babies do. They just don’t want their mothers to fiddle with their clothes.

  My Diary

  Signs My Baby Is Growing Again

  Between 22 and 26 weeks, you may notice your baby starting to show any of these behaviors. They are probably signs that he is ready to make the next leap into the world of relationships. Check off the signs you see on the list below.

  Cries more and is bad-tempered, cranky, or whiny more often

  Wants you to keep him busy

  Wants more physical contact

  Sleeps poorly

  Loses appetite

  Doesn’t want to be changed

  Is shier with strangers than he used to be

  Is quieter, less vocal

  Is less lively

  Sucks his thumb, or sucks more often than before

  Reaches for a cuddly toy, or does so more often than before

  * * *

  OTHER CHANGES YOU NOTICE

  “When I put my baby on her back for a clean diaper, she’ll cry every time. Usually not for very long, but it’s always the same old story. Sometimes I wonder if there could be something wrong with her back.”

  Juliette’s mom, 23rd week

  “Almost every time I dress or change my baby, he’ll scream bloody murder. When I have to pull a sweater over his head, we really have a field day. It drives me crazy.”

  Bob’s mom, 24th week

  She May Reach for a Cuddly Object More Often

  Some babies reach for a teddy, slipper, blanket, or towel more often. For most babies, anything soft will do, but some babies will accept only that one special thing. Sometimes, they’ll cuddle it while sucking a thumb or twiddling an ear. It seems that a cuddly object spells safety, especially when mommy is busy.

  “When my daughter realizes whining and complaining aren’t going to get her out of her playpen, she gives up. She sits and sucks her thumb with her blanket in her hand. It’s adorable.”

  Ashley’s mom, 24th week

  “Thumb sucking is the big thing now. A lot of the time when my son starts to grow tired, he’ll stick his thumb in his mouth, put his head on his teddy bear, and fall asleep. It’s so touching.”

  Steven’s mom, 23rd week

  How This Leap May Affect You

  Your baby certainly lets you know how these changes make her feel. This is bound to affect you. Here are some emotions you may feel this time around.

  You May Be (Even More) Exhausted

  Fussy periods can be nerve-racking. Mothers of especially demanding babies may feel like complete wrecks toward the end. They complain of stomachaches, backaches, headaches, and tension.

  Being Fussy Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Teething

  The illustration above shows the order in which teeth emerge most often. Just remember that babies are not machines. Your baby will cut his first tooth whenever he is ready. How quickly teeth are cut in succession also has nothing to do with the state of health or mental or physical development of the baby. All babies can cut their teeth early or late, fast or slow.

  Generally speaking, the lower front teeth are cut when the baby reaches 6 months. By his first birthday, a baby generally has six teeth. At about age 2½, the last molars come through, completing the full set of baby teeth. The toddler then has 20 teeth.

  Despite the old wives’ tale, a high temperature or diarrhea has nothing to do with teething. If your baby shows one of these symptoms, call his pediatrician.

  “My son’s crying gets on my nerves so much that I’m totally obsessed with keeping myself from crying. The tension it creates swallows up all of my energy.”

  Steven’s mom, 25th week

  “One night, I had to keep walking back and forth to put the pacifier in my daughter’s mouth. Suddenly, at 12:30 A.M., she was wide awake. She stayed awake until 2:30 A.M. I’d already had a busy day, with a lot of headaches and backaches from walking her up and down. I just collapsed.”

  Emily’s mom, 27th week

  You May Be Concerned

  It’s natural that you may feel troubled or nervous every time something seems to be the matter, and you can’t figure out what it is. When very young babies are involved, mothers generally rationalize that they must be suffering from colic because nothing else seems to be wrong. At this age, however, mothers are quick to put two and two together and embrace the thought that their babies are fussy because they’re teething. After all, most babies start cutting their teeth around this age. Still, there is no connection between clinginess due to a big change in the baby’s mental development and teething. Just as many babies start teething during a fussy period as in between them. Of course, if your baby starts teething at the same time as she undergoes a big change in her mental development, she can become super-troublesome.

  “My daughter right now is extremely bad-tempered, only wanting to sit on my lap. Perhaps it’s her teeth. They’ve been bothering her for 3 weeks now. She seems pretty uncomfortable, but they still haven’t come through.”

  Jenny’s mom, 25th week

  “My little guy became very weepy. According to the doctor, he has a whole bunch of teeth waiting to come through.”

  Paul’s mom, 27th week (His first tooth was not cut until 7 weeks later.

  You May Become Annoyed

  Many mothers get angry as soon as they feel sure their babies have no good reason for being so troublesome and fussy. This feeling tends to get stronger toward the end of the fussy period. Some mothers, especially those with very demanding babies, just can’t take it anymore.

  “It was a terribly trying week. My s
on would cry over anything. He demanded attention constantly. He was up until 10:00 P.M., and agitated. I carried him around an awful lot in the infant carrier. This he liked. But I felt tired, tired, tired from all that schlepping and the continuous crying. Whenever he’d start to throw one of his temper tantrums in bed at night, it was as if I’d crossed a line. I could feel myself getting really angry. This happened often this past week.”

  Bob’s mom, 25th week

  Don’t lose control. Remember that having feelings of anger and frustration at times is not abnormal or dangerous, but acting on them is. Try to get help long before you lose control.

  You May Start to Argue

  Arguments may develop around mealtimes. Most mothers hate it when their babies won’t eat and continue to feed them. They try doing it playfully, or they try to pressure them into eating. Whatever the approach, it’s usually to no avail.

  At this age, strong-willed babies can be extremely stubborn about their refusal. This sometimes makes mothers, who are also being stubborn (but out of concern!) very angry. And so mealtimes can mean war.

  When it happens to you, try to stay calm. Don’t fight about it. You can’t force her to eat, anyway. During this fussy phase, many babies are poor eaters. It’s a temporary thing. If you make an issue out of it, chances are your baby will continue to refuse food even after the fussy period is over. She will have made a habit of it.

  At the end of the fussy phase, you may correctly sense that your baby is capable of a lot more than you thought possible. Many mothers do. That is why an increasing number of mothers now get fed up with the annoying clinginess and decide that it’s time to put a stop to it.