Defector

by Susanne Winnacker

  “I don’t think Major would agree. I mentioned it once, but I got the feeling that he’d prefer that I break ties with them.”

  “Are you sure? That sounds so callous.”

  “You know he doesn’t care all that much about normal people. And look around: Most FEA agents are either orphans or were abandoned by their parents. I’m pretty much the only one who stays in contact with family, except for Kate and the few others with Variant parents.” She had a point.

  “Maybe you could ask Major again? Or I could ask Alec to talk to him. Major listens to Alec.”

  Holly shook her head hastily. “No, no. I’ll have to figure out another way. I wish I could live with them for a while to help take care of my siblings, so my Mom can work full-time. But Major would never agree.”

  The FEA took us away from our families. Major seemed to think it was the duty of every parent to hand their child over with pride. But if he expected us to serve the FEA, he should at least make sure our families were doing okay. I wondered if parents had ever refused to send their child to the FEA, but somehow I already knew the answer. I didn’t think Major knew the meaning of no.

  CHAPTER 3

  That night Holly, Alec, Tanner, and I sat around a table in the common room, playing poker. Holly already looked much more cheerful, thanks to Tanner’s jokes. Seeing them sitting beside each other—he with his green mohawk and septum piercing, she with her fury-red pixie hair—they looked so cute together. I knew their admiration was mutual, but apart from an awkward kiss months ago, they’d yet to make a move.

  Meanwhile, Alec kept touching my hand, my knee, my thigh beneath the table whenever he didn’t need to put down a card. It seemed like he couldn’t stop touching me, and it made me ridiculously happy.

  “So what’s really the deal with Abel’s Army?” Holly asked as she dealt out cards.

  “What do you mean?” Tanner asked distractedly as he sorted his hand. “I thought you knew the gist already. They broke off with the FEA decades ago and are doing their own thing. Mainly illegal stuff.”

  “Yeah, but what exactly are they doing?”

  “They’re working for the highest bidder. The Russian, Italian, or Chinese mafia, international terrorists—whoever pays the most,” Alec replied with an intense look at his cards. But something told me the cards weren’t why he’d tensed.

  “But if they work for all kinds of gangsters, how can they keep Variants a secret? If they care about money so much, wouldn’t someone have bribed or blackmailed them and sold the knowledge to a newspaper or TV station?” I said.

  Alec popped a few chips into his mouth, considering how much he should tell us. “You should know that what I’m telling you now are only rumors. I don’t know for sure, but I heard that Abel’s Army has a Variant in their ranks who can alter or even remove memories. The ability to instantaneously brainwash someone.”

  “Holy shit,” Holly said.

  Tanner nodded in agreement, but it didn’t look like Alec’s words had been news to him. I was too stunned to say anything. I’d always joked with Holly that I’d love to know someone who could wipe out a few of my less pleasant memories, like when my mother told me I shouldn’t call her ever again or that I was a freak and had ruined her life, or all the drunk, messed-up guys she’d dated back when I was a child. But it was scary to consider that someone could do that—change my memories, steal entire parts of my life so it was like they’d never happened. Alec was watching me as though he knew exactly what was going through my mind. His childhood had been filled with heartbreak just like mine.

  The door to the common room swung open, and Phil and Devon entered. They glanced tentatively at our table, apparently unsure if they could join us.

  “We still have room for more players,” Tanner said. He pointed at the vending machine in the back of the room, off behind the sofas and the flat-screen TV. “Get yourselves some provisions!”

  “We don’t have any money on us,” Devon said as he walked toward the vending machine.

  “You don’t need money for drinks,” Holly said. “They’re free! The vending machine is just for show.”

  Phil and Devon got their drinks, while Tanner took care of the chairs. He raised his hand, and immediately the black folding chairs leaning against the wall beside the vending machine began floating toward us. Phil and Devon watched Tanner’s show with obvious admiration. I rolled my eyes at Tanner, but he just winked and carefully lowered the chairs to the ground beside our table. Devon sat down across from me, and Alec’s eyes darted between Devon and me with inquiring intensity. Alec didn’t like Devon very much. They had barely talked two sentences since Devon had joined the FEA. As implausible as it was, I suspected that Alec might be jealous of him.

  I took Alec’s hand beneath the table and squeezed. A shadow of stubble showed on his jaw. I wanted to press my cheek against it. I loved the prickly feeling. His smile widened as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

  “So you’re the toxic guy, right?” Tanner asked as he handed cards to Phil. Only Tanner could say something like that without sounding rude. A deep flush spread across Phil’s pale face. It was obvious that he wasn’t used to attention, or to hanging out with friends.

  He slid off the fingerless black gloves he wore most of the time. There were tiny glands embedded in the spot where his palm met his wrist. They looked like the lachrymal glands we have for tears, only slightly bigger. Maybe it was from nervousness, but they were already coated with poison.

  “So if I touch it, I’ll fall asleep?” Holly asked, her fingertip an inch from the gland.

  Tanner tensed at her side. “Holly,” I said in warning.

  “You’d likely pass out,” Phil said quickly. For his next words, he lowered his eyes. “Or fall into a coma.” He put the gloves back on, his fingers shaking.

  “Well, I’m sure Devon could save the day,” Alec said with a forced smile.

  Devon shrugged. “I probably could.” Our eyes met, and memories crashed over me. Was he thinking of the time he’d saved my life back in Livingston?

  “Let’s get this game going,” I said with forced cheerfulness.

  It was way past midnight when we stopped playing and finally returned to our rooms. More accurately, I went to my room only to change into pajama shorts and a top before I hurried back to Alec’s room. My cheeks were still glowing from the way Holly wiggled her eyebrows at me as I retreated.

  I found Alec already sitting on top of the covers on his bed, pulling a shirt over his head. I touched the long scar hidden beneath the dragon tattoo on his right shoulder, halting his movement.

  “When you mentioned that Variant who could alter and remove memories, I thought of all the things in my life I’ve wanted to forget. And I wondered if I would ask them to, you know, erase some parts of my life.” I traced the scar as I locked eyes with Alec. “Would you?”

  Alec took my hand and kissed my palm, his lips warm against my skin. His gray eyes were serious. With him sitting on the bed and me standing in front of it, we were almost the same height. “No,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t. The past made me who I am.” That was such an Alec thing to say.

  “But it hurts, remembering. Knowing that our parents didn’t want us because of what we are. That they didn’t care what would happen to us as long as it meant they could get rid of us.”

  Alec pulled me down onto his lap. I straddled him, my hands resting on his shoulders. “It does hurt, and that won’t ever change. But remembering is what will stop me from becoming like them. Their actions made me want to be better.”

  I pressed my forehead against his and closed my eyes. “Maybe. But sometimes I feel like a dog chasing its tail. Like I’m looking for something I can’t ever have, only I haven’t realized it yet,” I murmured.

  Alec shook his head in disagreement.

  “You’ll have your own family someday.”<
br />
  “Yeah,” I agreed, but I knew it wasn’t the same as having loving parents and siblings. “Do you sometimes wonder what they’re doing now?”

  “No, because I know they aren’t thinking about me either.”

  “So you never think about contacting them again? Maybe they miss you.”

  He didn’t reply right away, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn’t have brought up this topic at all. “No. I can’t forgive them for what they did, and I don’t want to. I don’t need them. I have the FEA, and I have you.”

  That was what I always tried to tell myself, too, but sometimes I wondered if I was only lying to myself.

  A yawn slipped out of my mouth. “Time to sleep,” Alec said. He let himself fall back onto the bed and took me with him. I lay sprawled on top of him and let sleep wash over me, banishing my dark thoughts.

  CHAPTER 4

  I knew it was only a matter of time until I had to face Kate. But when she knocked at my door the next day, I couldn’t do anything but stare at her, my fingers gripping the edge of the doorframe. She was only a few inches taller than me but always managed to make me feel small in more than one way. As usual, she was styled to perfection: blond hair in a neat ponytail, dressed in black pants and a crisp white blouse. I was wearing gray sweatpants and a rumpled T-shirt.

  “Oh, hi,” I said stupidly. Holly was doing laps in the swimming pool, and I suddenly wished I’d gone with her to avoid this confrontation.

  Kate’s face was carefully controlled, her coppery amber eyes unreadable. If she wanted to strangle me, she did a damn good job of hiding it. “We need to talk.” She glanced over my shoulder into the empty room. “Are you going to invite me in or not?”

  I strongly leaned toward “or not,” but it would have been childish, and I wanted to get the conversation over with. I stepped back and opened the door wide enough for her to enter.

  Without another word, Kate strode inside and hovered in the middle of the room. Her eyes took in the Alien and Freddy Krueger posters hanging over my bed. She nodded smugly. “So that’s where Alec got his bad taste from.”

  I bit back a snappy comment. She just wanted to get a rise out of me, and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. I stayed close to the door in case I had to make a quick escape. “Kate, I’m sorry for how things went down. I—”

  “No you’re not,” Kate interrupted me. “And don’t pretend otherwise. You’ve been pining for Alec for years, and now you finally got what you wanted.”

  “It’s true. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry for what you lost.”

  “No.” She shook her head forcefully, but not a single strand escaped her ponytail. My curls would have been all over the place. “Don’t you dare feel pity for me. I’m a big girl. I’m not crying myself to sleep because Alec left me. There are other fish in the sea. Bigger fish.”

  I was still holding the door handle. It wasn’t too late to throw Kate out. “Then why are you here?” I asked.

  “Look, Tessa, I came here to warn you.”

  I dropped my hand from its perch on the handle. “Warn me?”

  A resentful smile flickered across her face. “I think you shouldn’t go into this . . . relationship with Alec blindly. You deserve to know the entire truth.”

  “What truth?” I didn’t buy that Kate had come here to help me. She was here to drive a wedge between Alec and me. But she was wasting her time: Nothing could shake my trust in Alec.

  “Alec’s been lying to you from day one. He’s been manipulating you—”

  I shook my head. “You’re just jealous that he left you for me. I don’t have to listen to your lies. I should have known that you’d been planning this.”

  “If you think I’m here because I’m jealous, you’re even more delusional than I thought,” Kate said with a sneer. “Tell me: In all the years you’ve known Alec, you’ve never felt that something was off, never had a twinge of suspicion?” She scanned my face, and one corner of her mouth quirked up.

  Anger slithered through my belly at her tone and words. What reason did I have to be suspicious of Alec? My fingers clutched the hem of my shirt. I wanted to claw at her. “I know Alec better than you, better than anyone.”

  “Oh, please!” Kate snorted, her eyes cruel and merciless. “I knew he had you wrapped around his little finger. But this? It’s ridiculous.”

  “Kate, talk to someone who cares about your bullshit.” I opened the door, determined to leave, but Kate grabbed my upper arm, her nails digging into my skin. The scent of her flowery perfume flooded my nose.

  A dozen self-defense images fluttered through my head, but I pushed them back. A fight with Kate would lead to nothing. I was above her games. “Let me go.”

  “You’ll listen to what I have to say, and you’ll listen well,” she hissed, having completely disposed of her pleasant mask, her face an angry grimace. “Whatever’s going on between Alec and you, it’s doomed. Because no matter what you think, you don’t know the first thing about him.”

  I tried to shake her off, but her fingers tightened on my arm. She slammed the door shut, and my hair whipped into my face from the force of it. I blinked at the smooth white surface of the door, forcing myself to breathe calmly. We were alone in the room once again. A quiver went through my body. Nothing she was going to say would break my trust in Alec. Nothing, I swore to myself.

  But her softly spoken words wormed their way into my head. “He’s been lying to you all these years. Alec’s a Dual Variant, and he never told you, and he never will.”

  My legs felt weak. If Alec was a Dual Variant, that would mean he had a second Variation—one he’d hidden from me all along. I stepped away from her, my back bumping against the hard wood of the door, and she let go. “He’s not. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I protested. Alec wouldn’t have kept a Variation from me . . . would he?

  Kate shook her head with a sneer. “Still eager to defend him. But let me tell you something. Alec isn’t only strong; he’s an Empath. He can control emotions. Think about it. When you’re with him, are you sure you’ve felt what you felt?”

  “You’re lying,” I whispered, but it felt like something was stuck in my throat.

  “Whenever you feel something around Alec, he knows. And if he doesn’t like your emotions, he has the ability to change them. He can make you feel exactly what he wants you to feel. He can manipulate you, and believe me, Tessa, he has done so in the past. Are you sure your emotions are your own?”

  I felt like I’d been ambushed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “Go,” I croaked.

  “Wake up, Tessa. It was time that someone told you the truth. Believe me, Alec and Major would have kept you in the dark forever.” Something flickered on her face, maybe worry or regret, like she realized that she shouldn’t have told me as much as she did. Beyond whatever Alec wanted, Major would probably throw a fit if he found out. Without another word, Kate walked out of the room. I pressed my face against the cool wood and sank to my knees as the door slid shut.

  I tried to convince myself that she’d lied, that her words had been the result of jealousy, her way of revenge, but the seed of doubt had been sown, and now it was taking root. A couple of months ago, when Alec and Major first accompanied me on the Livingston mission, I’d felt like someone was trying to manipulate my emotions. But I’d put it off as nerves. What if Alec had used his Variation to calm me back then? And that wasn’t the only time I’d felt magically calmed in Alec’s presence. Was it nothing more than a trick? Had he been using his Variation on me? And what else had he done without me noticing? How could I be sure if anything I felt around Alec was the truth? Every memory, every kiss, every smile . . . everything felt tainted now.

  I closed my eyes, trying to get the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts in my body in order. I clenched my fists and staggered to my feet. I didn
’t want to believe it. But deep down I knew that something had always been off about my feelings when I was around Alec. I started trembling, and sickness washed over me. If I couldn’t trust the one person I thought I could love completely, what was left? Holly. I had to talk to Holly.

  I opened the door and peeked into the hallway to make sure Kate was gone. I didn’t want her to see how much her words had rattled me. The corridor was empty. I slipped out and hurried down the stairs toward the swimming pool. Kate’s perfume still clung to my clothes—just like her words clung to my mind. A woman from the cleaning staff disappeared into the laundry room, and I waited until she’d closed the door before I slipped past and entered the swimming hall.

  Holly was doing dolphin butterfly strokes. Her red hair popped in and out of the water, her moves fluid and fast. She didn’t see me as I crouched at the edge of the pool. My hands and legs were still shaking, but I felt somewhat calmer. Ten minutes passed before Holly eventually stopped at one end of the pool. She pulled her neon yellow goggles off and immediately spotted me. Her face broke into a smile, but just as soon it disappeared. Her narrow brown brows pulled together as she swam toward the ladder and got out. My legs ached when I straightened from my crouch to hand her a towel. Her eyes never left my face as she dried her hair. “Did something happen between you and Alec?”

  “Sort of. Kate and I had a talk,” I said slowly, trying to keep the worry from coloring my voice. But my emotions were right beneath the surface; Holly could probably see them shining through my skin like neon signs.

  “Oh no. What did she do?” As she threw the towel into the hamper, I couldn’t help but stare just beyond it, at that spot on the ground. That was where Alec had found me a few weeks after I’d joined the FEA, crying hysterically because my mom had said that I should never call her again. Alec had consoled me that day and countless times since then. What had stopped my tears each time, his words or his Variation?