Defector

by Susanne Winnacker

  “Tessa?” Holly touched my arm, leaving fingerprints of water on my shirtsleeve. I snapped out of my thoughts and turned away from the hamper. Water lapped over the edge of the pool only to be sucked back into the filter system. I slumped down onto a bench against the wall, and Holly sank down beside me, shivering in her yellow bikini.

  “Spill,” she demanded, and I told her everything Kate had said. With every word, my voice got higher, and it felt like a bubble was building inside my body and ready to burst. When I was done, I gulped down a deep breath. I expected, I hoped, Holly would laugh and tell me how ridiculous I was, but she didn’t. Her eyes became distant, a frown creasing her brows. “Kate might be jealous, and she’s certainly out to hurt Alec, but why would she make up something like that?” she said softly.

  I nodded. “It’s not just that. Sometimes when I’m around Alec, my feelings take a quick turn for the better, you know? I always thought it was because of him, because of my feelings for him, but . . .”

  “But now you aren’t sure anymore,” she finished the sentence for me.

  Holly gnawed on her lower lip. Water ran down in narrow rivulets over her face and arms. She’d probably get a cold if I kept her from changing into proper clothes for much longer. “You know how my Variation is always messing up?”

  I gave a nod; of course I knew. “Major made me take all these additional classes with Summers, but they didn’t really help. With every class, I felt more like a total failure and kept messing up even worse. But then one day Major sent Alec in Summers’s stead, and magically my mood and my Variation improved. Remember when I told you afterward how amazing classes had been that day?”

  I didn’t move. I remembered. Holly hadn’t lost control of her Variation once that day. She was as happy as I’d ever seen her.

  “I’d felt calm and sure of myself, and suddenly my invisibility worked without fault. I’d thought it was because Alec wasn’t making me as nervous as a real teacher, but now that I think about it, I’m not really sure if my emotions that day were entirely my own.”

  I stared down at my palms, which were red from clenching my hands. “It sounds exactly like what I’ve been experiencing.”

  “I . . . hmm . . . maybe,” Holly was fishing for explanations, for excuses, but there were none. “Do you think Major knows?”

  I smiled mirthlessly. “Major knows everything.”

  Holly nodded. “Yeah, he probably thinks we don’t need to know. He always knows best.” The last part rang with bitterness. I got it. I really got it. I was so tired of being treated like a second-class agent, like I couldn’t handle the same knowledge that Major or Alec or even Kate could.

  “I have to talk to Alec.”

  “Are you positive? If you confront Alec, he’s going to give you an answer whether you like it or not.” Holly wrapped her arm around me. I shivered as my clothes got soaked through and the cold crawled into my body.

  “I know. But I have to know for sure. I have to hear him say it. I can’t just forget what Kate said. Who knows, maybe there’s an explanation.”

  “Okay,” she said slowly, looking doubtful. “Do you need backup?”

  “No,” I said. I got up. Her arm slipped off my body. “You get dressed and make sure you don’t get a cold.”

  Holly gave me a small, encouraging smile as I turned around and headed for Alec’s room, but she didn’t manage to wipe the doubt from her face.

  CHAPTER 5

  My fingers shook as I arrived in front of the white door to Alec’s room. Alec and I had originally planned to meet in two hours to have dinner together in the cafeteria. I brought my fist up against the door, but I didn’t knock, just rested my knuckles against the smooth surface. Maybe Holly was right. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to Alec. But how could I pretend nothing had happened?

  “Alec’s in the dojo.”

  I whipped my head around. Tanner stood behind me, dressed in workout clothes, covered in sweat, a towel hanging around his neck. Two guys stood a few steps behind him. One of them was Ty, Tanner’s older brother. He was in his twenties and had been gone on a mission in Afghanistan or Iran or something like that until very recently. He looked remarkably like Tanner—same dark skin, long limbs, almond-shaped eyes, but he had shaved all of his hair off and his nose was slightly crooked, as if it had been broken and not treated properly. The look in his eyes was distant. I didn’t recognize the stocky, muscle-covered guy beside him.

  After a quick nod in their direction, I turned to Tanner. “Huh? What did you say?”

  “Alec is giving Devon and Phil kickboxing lessons in the dojo. He’ll be there for at least another half hour,” he said. There was a hint of curiosity in his voice.

  “Oh, thanks.” I forced my lips into a smile. Tanner stopped rubbing the towel over his mohawk. The guys must have sensed the rising awkwardness because they excused themselves and headed off to their rooms.

  “Something wrong?” Tanner asked.

  I shook my head. “No. I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure,” I said. “I just need to talk to Alec. Thanks for telling me where to find him.” I hurried past him, but I could practically feel his eyes burning into my back. If I was acting that rattled around Tanner, it was unlikely that I could hide my feelings from Alec.

  When I arrived on the ground floor, I could already hear panting and the sound of someone kicking and hitting the punching bag. I hesitated in the doorway to the dojo, unsure if this was a good idea. Alec had always been the one thing at the FEA that I could count on. This could be the end of my relationship with him, of the thing I’d been longing for since I joined the FEA. What would I do if that disappeared?

  The familiar scent of the dojo welcomed me: rubber from the new green workout mats mixed with the pungent odor of sweat. I’d spent so much time surrounded by the smell that it didn’t even bother me anymore.

  Alec was pulling off his boxing gloves and began unwrapping the protective tape from his fingers when he glanced my way. He gave me a quick smile before he turned back to Devon, who was punching the bag, his face furious and determined. Phil was sitting on one of the green mats on the ground, arms wrapped around his knees. His head was tomato red, his clothes drenched in sweat. It was obvious that he wasn’t as fit as Devon and Alec. The workout clothes hung loosely on his wiry frame, their fit much too big on him.

  When Devon stopped pummeling the punching bag, he glanced in my direction, but as quickly as his gaze settled on me, it moved on.

  The smile that had been playing on Alec’s lips died. Could he feel my inner turmoil? Alec’s eyes rested on mine, and our surroundings became a blur. I could hear Phil talking, could see him struggle to his feet from my peripheral vision, but nothing could penetrate the whooshing in my ears.

  Alec said something to Devon and Phil, who both glanced at me briefly before they grabbed towels and water bottles and walked toward me, then out the door. When they were gone, Alec moved toward me. His hands were still taped, but he didn’t bother unwrapping them further.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked softly as he came to a halt in front of me. I searched his gray eyes, looking for a hint of something, anything, to keep me from saying what I was about to say. He touched my shoulder. “Tess?”

  I took a step back so his hand slipped off me. I couldn’t focus when he was touching me. I could see the confusion on his face, but there was something else mixed with it. Compassion? Understanding? Regret? Or maybe I was just looking for things that weren’t there.

  “Kate came to my room today. She told me everything about you,” I said. I was proud that I managed to keep my voice from cracking. I fought the urge to cross my arms in front of my chest, to create a shield between Alec and me.

  He froze, his expression slipping from shock to anger and then to dread. “What did she say?”

  “She told me
that you’ve been keeping something from me all this time—that you’re a Dual Variant and that your secret Variation is reading and manipulating other people’s emotions.”

  Alec stared at me, every muscle in his body so tense it looked like he might combust. “I—” Alec was lost for words. That was something I hadn’t seen before. And that more than anything else made me realize that Kate hadn’t lied.

  “Tell me the truth,” I said quietly. I could see on his face that he was struggling to come up with a lie, and part of me wanted him to. Maybe I could pretend my talk with Kate never happened. Maybe I could pretend Alec hadn’t kept a secret from me. But I wouldn’t do that to myself. I was worth more than that. I’d put up with enough while he was torn between Kate and me.

  Alec hung his head, the tension leaking from his body. “It’s true. I am a Dual Variant. Major thought it would be wise to keep my ability a secret, since it was something people often didn’t take kindly to.”

  No kidding. “Everyone knows about Kate’s variation. I think they could have dealt with yours as well.” It was easier to talk about it in general terms, but other questions burned in my chest. Questions I was scared to get the answers to.

  Alec began picking absentmindedly at his tape. Was he buying time? Considering once again how much to tell me? “Kate doesn’t have a second Variation she could have hidden her mind reading behind. Major had no choice but to let everyone know,” he said eventually. “And people are more concerned about hiding their emotions than their thoughts, in my experience.” He took a step closer once again but didn’t try to touch me. “I wanted to tell you.” His face looked so earnest and imploring, my heart gave a thud. But this time I wouldn’t let it turn me into a fool.

  “Then why didn’t you?” I demanded, anger slowly but steadily taking the place of my hurt.

  “Major forbade me. He thought it would endanger our community.” He hesitated, like there was more, and my anger flared again.

  “You should have told me once we started dating. I had a right to know.” I clenched my fists. “I trusted you, Alec. When I was broken and thought I could never trust anyone after how my mom treated me, you gave me back my ability to trust.”

  His expression turned pleading. “I know, and I’m sorry. But I wasn’t allowed to, and I knew you’d hate it if you knew that I could read your emotions.”

  “Yes, you knew how much I would hate it, and that’s why you were glad that Major’s order gave you a justification not to tell me. At least admit that.”

  “No,” he said. He gripped my hands. “I hated that I had to lie to you. Please, you have to believe me.”

  I wanted to believe him. But that didn’t change the fact that he’d violated my privacy without my knowledge for the past two years. “So you always knew what I was feeling? And even now you can read my emotions, right?”

  We stared at each other. He dropped his gaze and sighed. “Yes. But it isn’t something I can just switch off. Even if I don’t want to, and, believe me, most of the time I’d be glad to be spared having to deal with everyone’s emotions all the time. Sometimes I manage to tune it out, but it’s not always easy.”

  I tried to imagine how it must be, to be overwhelmed with the myriad of emotions from people around me, with their fears and worries. Sometimes I could hardly stand seeing the sadness on Holly’s face. How much worse would it be if I could actually feel it like it was my own? A tiny part of me felt sorry for Alec, but the bigger part held on to my anger.

  “Have you ever manipulated me?” I asked.

  “I could manipulate people’s emotions if I tried,” he said slowly. “But it would be a breach of FEA rules, you know that.”

  “That doesn’t mean you’ve never done it. Answer my question. Yes or no. Have you ever manipulated me?” Please say no, I thought. But I knew that he’d be lying if he did.

  “Only for your own good. I wanted to help you,” he said reluctantly. “I couldn’t stand to see you scared. I shouldn’t have done it.”

  “They are my emotions. I can handle them.”

  Alec shook his head in despair. “Tess,” he whispered. “I’m really sorry.”

  Sorry that I found out? I wondered, but I didn’t say it. How could I ever be sure about anything around him?

  “You don’t trust me,” he said.

  “Did you just gather that from my feelings?” I asked.

  He sagged against the wall of the dojo. His eyes looked tired. “I know you’re upset, but even if I couldn’t read your emotions, I’d know it from the look on your face.”

  I wrapped my arms around my chest, as if that could stop him from looking into my heart, from seeing everything I didn’t want him or anyone else to know. I thought of all the times I’d lusted after him and all the nights I’d imagined kissing him. Even now, thinking about how he must have felt my desire for him every time we were close made me want to run and hide from the shame. But what if he had been responsible for my feelings? “So you never made me feel something I didn’t?” I whispered.

  He frowned, then his eyes widened. “You mean your feelings for me?”

  I couldn’t bear looking at him, so I stared at the floor-to-ceiling mirrors lining the other end of the dojo. One of them had a crack in it that had been there for months.

  He touched my shoulders, bringing our bodies so close together that I could feel his warmth. “I’d never have done that, Tess. What kind of person do you think I am?”

  “I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew you, and suddenly it turns out you’ve been keeping a huge secret from me. I have to think about it. I—I just feel so unprotected.” Even that admission made me feel even more vulnerable. But what did it matter around Alec? All of my feelings were fair game.

  Alec’s hands slid off my shoulders. “I always hated that part of me. It was why my parents hated me, why they couldn’t stand being in a room with me, much less looking at me. It’s why they wanted me gone. I always knew that this Variation more than my strength would scare people.”

  I took a deep breath. “I think we need a few days away from each other. I still—” Love you. I didn’t say it. I couldn’t, not when a part of me hated him at the same time for what he was capable of, for knowing me better than I probably knew myself.

  He touched my cheek, and for the briefest moment I leaned into the touch but then turned away. I needed to leave before he broke through my resolve. He probably didn’t even need his Variation for that.

  “I love you, Tess,” he said quietly when I was halfway through the door.

  The words felt like someone had thrust a knife into my heart. I’d wanted to hear those words from Alec, had long imagined and dreamed of the moment when he’d finally say them, had pictured the happy glow on my face when I’d hear them and how I’d pull his face down to mine to kiss him and whisper the words back to him over and over again. Today wasn’t that day. And now that day would never come. Without looking at him, I strode away from the dojo, toward the elevator. Alec didn’t try to stop me.

  CHAPTER 6

  “This is so messed up,” Holly said.

  I scratched my pencil over the paper, doodling black twirls around the list of names I’d written down with Holly’s help earlier. A dull fury burned under my skin. It covered up the underlying sense of betrayal and loss. But nothing was lost yet. Alec and I hadn’t broken up. He still wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him. And yet it felt like something had been broken in a way that couldn’t be fixed.

  “Do you really think Tanner could be a Dual Variant? He doesn’t seem like the type to keep a secret.”

  “Neither did Alec,” I said. Though that wasn’t exactly true. Alec was the more secretive, brooding type. “He’s Alec’s best friend. Even if he isn’t a Dual Variant himself, that doesn’t mean he didn’t know about Alec’s extra Variation.”

  “I don’t thi
nk Alec would have told him, if he didn’t even reveal it to you,” Holly said thoughtfully.

  I wanted to believe that Alec was the only one who was hiding something, but I couldn’t trust any of them. Not yet. Not after finding out that the person I’d trusted most besides Holly had lied to me from the start. “I have to talk to Major,” I said finally. Maybe he’d tell me the entire truth, now that I knew about Alec.

  Holly’s eyes grew wide. “Whoa. Have you lost your mind? Major will go ballistic if he finds out that you know about Alec. He won’t tell you anything.”

  A crackling sounded from the speakers in the ceiling. Holly and I raised our heads at the same time to stare at the white painted squares. My insides felt like someone was squeezing them. What were the odds that Major would message me or Holly on the day I found out about Alec’s Variation?

  “Holly, Tessa, in my office in ten minutes,” Major barked, and with a hiss the speakers went out again. Silence followed.

  Holly glanced at me. “Uh, why do I think this isn’t good?”

  “Because it isn’t.” I glared at the picture of Alec and me on the digital frame on my nightstand. We’d taken it only two days ago. A red gummy bear was wedged between our lips, our eyes crinkling with laughter. A moment later, he’d swallowed it. When I’d protested, he’d silenced me with a kiss. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

  “Come on. Let’s go. We can’t afford to be late.” Holly jumped up from her bed and dragged me to my feet. The desk chair groaned as it spun from the sudden movement. A good reflection of the way I felt.

  • • •

  “Sit down,” Major waved a hand at the two free chairs. The third was already occupied.

  Alec. Of course he was here. His eyes followed me as I crossed the room and sat in the far left chair so that Holly ended up between him and me. It was ridiculous and childish, but if this talk was about what I thought it was—me finding out about Alec’s Dual Variation—then I needed the space, or I’d end up strangling him. Kate would have been here if she were the one who’d told Major about her slip of the tongue. So that left only Alec. I could still feel his eyes on me. They seemed to burn into me, ignoring Holly and Major completely. He could probably feel my anger, and for once I almost welcomed it.