Bound to You

by Vanessa Holland

  “Do you remember this place?”

  The place where Ethan was conceived? “Of course I do. This is the house with the pond. The pond. You brought me here a dozen times. This is where…. I don’t think this is a good idea.”

  He frowned at her, as if surprised by her reaction, then leaned toward her and began stroking her hair, sending fresh chills down her arms and spine. “We had good times out here. And one especially good night. A great night. Don’t confuse it with the bad feelings that came after. I don’t want to lose what we shared out here.”

  “It wasn’t the same for me,” she answered.

  “All right,” he said, his tone falling sober. “Then maybe it’ll do us some good to come back here. Face up to the past and all of that. Put it behind us so we can move on.”

  She stared at the gentle white country home with blue shutters. “Who lives here? Your uncle or cousin? I can’t remember now.”

  “My brother Jack. You met him. People sometimes think he’s my uncle because he’s fifteen years older than me. Actually, Jack’s a lot older than all the rest of us. About ten years between him and Boone. Mom had a couple of miscarriages during that time. Then there’s Mike, then Frankie, and then, finally, me. But don’t worry. Jack’s not here right now. He’s at Boone’s house for a few hours. I asked him to give us some space.”

  “So, what is this place?” she asked, realizing she’d never thought to ask. Or, if she had, she’d forgotten. “Some kind of old family home or something?”

  “It was my grandparents’ place. Jack bought it from the aunts and uncles after my grandmother passed away. But it didn’t look like this then. Jack cleared the land and completely renovated the house. It used to be this rundown house in the middle of the woods. The pond was maybe half an acre and all murky. He made it what it is now. He’s the industrious one. He has a landscaping company and a construction company, and he’s also an electrician. He’s in the works to buy an HVAC company.”

  She knew she was stalling, and knew Sam knew she was stalling, but thankfully, he was patient enough to give her time.

  “But he’s moping around right now,” Sam continued when she kept staring at the house. “Just broke up with his girlfriend. We’re all tiptoeing around him and I thought it’d be good for him to get out of the house for an evening.”

  She watched him, realizing how kind he could be, rambling on so she wouldn’t feel nervous. “I’m sorry about that.” She could barely hear her own voice. “About your brother.”

  He gave her an encouraging little shake and said in a slightly humorous voice, “Ready to face your demons, honey?”

  “No.” And she wasn’t ready, but she knew that Sam might be right. If she could make herself step out of this vehicle, she could stare the past in the face and force it to evacuate her heart and mind. Suddenly feeling sharp and sober, she forced up her resolve. “Let’s do it, anyway.”

  She opened her door, stepped out into the warm, humid evening, and shut the door. Behind this house was the pond where Ethan was conceived. Although it was impossible, it seemed she could hear the water lapping against the bank and smell fish in the air. Suddenly it seemed as if she were a thousand miles from home.

  She missed her son, and missed the wonderful numb feeling that kept her grounded most of the time.

  Sam stepped up beside her and began stroking her hair again, offering more comfort than he probably realized.

  “You lead the way,” she told him.

  He rested his arm around her shoulders and tilted forward to meet her gaze. “Remember, it’s just a house.”

  Actually, the house didn’t bother her. She’d never been inside the house. Their time had always been spent out at the pond behind the house. With vivid clarity, she remembered the last time she’d been there. Over the years she’d looked back on that night and thought of this place as Sam’s secret weapon - a beautiful sunset on a warm summer’s night, a picnic on a soft blanket, floating on a big raft, watching the ducks and lightning bugs and reflections on the gentle water. And then, the final ingredient: moonlight and stars. Lying on their backs gazing up at the shining stars in the night sky. All he’d had to do then was roll over and begin.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. “You look on the verge of being sick. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “I’m fine.” In fact, she was beginning to go numb inside again, gaining strength. “Really. You’re right. I need to see it again.”

  Sam draped his arm around her shoulder, propelling them along a brick walkway that led to the back of the house. “My dad has a saying. If a memory's not a good one, you're not remembering it right.”

  “Actually,” she said, “I like that. I like that a lot.”

  ***

  Sam shut the screen door and stood watching Jenna, trying to gauge her mood, her thoughts, her feelings about this entire situation. She stood at the top of the steps with her arms crossed behind her back, staring in the direction of the pond.

  He’d seen her take this backward protective stance a few times now, and was beginning to really notice. He had to appreciate how the pose forced her chest forward, accentuating what was definitely worth accentuating. But he wondered what the body language meant. It almost seemed as if a part of her were trying to break free and run in the opposite direction.

  He held out a soft drink and she took it, then set it on the porch railing without opening it.

  With his hand closed around the ring in his pocket, he stepped up beside her. “Nice sunset this evening. It’s starting to cool off.”

  She nodded, barely glancing at him before turning her gaze back toward the pond. He’d seen the pond too many times for it to have an impact on him now, but he could imagine how she might find this moment difficult, returning after three years.

  His nerves kicked in and though he tried to keep a pleasant attitude, his mouth went dry and his hands began to sweat. He took a long swig of his own drink then set it on the railing.

  “Let’s walk,” he said, taking her arm when she showed no sign of joining him.

  Perhaps this was not the night. Not only had her face turned ashen as they moved closer to the water, she was hesitating to the point he almost felt he was dragging her along.

  Earlier in the day, when the courage to ask her to marry him had come he hadn’t considered how monumental a task it might be for her see the pond again – or how hard it would be for him to ask the big question.

  He wasn’t sure but the surprise might be more than she could handle.

  And he didn’t know if his pride could take a possibly hostile rejection.

  But at least he wasn’t thinking about getting in his truck and running for his life.

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked.

  For a moment, she seemed to forget the pond and lifted her gaze to meet his. “At the Fourth of July dance. The band was so terrible they asked them to stop and put on recorded music instead. But I already knew who you were.”

  He wasn’t surprised. He’d noticed her in school, when he was a senior and she was a freshman. He’d caught her staring at him dozens of times and had heard rumors she had a crush on him. She’d been too young for him to consider back then. But he was talking about three years ago. The summer they’d really met.

  “I’d been seeing you around that summer,” he said, “all grown up and so amazingly gorgeous. I came looking for you at that dance, by the way,” he said, winking at her, hoping to lighten her mood. “I was supposed to go to the big barbecue my dad throws every year, but I couldn’t get you out of my head. When I first spotted you there you were dancing with some guy. I thought about punching him, but I didn’t. Because I’m a reasonable guy.”

  She trained her gaze on the sunset, seeming to suppress a grin. “Instead you pushed him.”

  “Did I? Okay,” he admitted, “that’s true. But I only meant to give him a friendly little pat on the back and he almost fell down. Didn’t realize he was so light. I apologiz
ed, if I remember correctly. I didn’t mean to scare him. I just felt it was time he moved on.”

  She lifted a slender, delicate hand with clear manicured fingernails and gave his chest a light backhanded slap. “You’re silly sometimes. I was glad when you cut in. I only danced with that guy because he stuttered when he asked me.”

  “But you did want to dance with me?”

  She made a sound that almost sounded like a chuckle, but not quite. “I left with you, didn’t I? To go watch the fireworks.”

  She had, and by the end of that summer, she was pregnant with his child – though he hadn’t known it. If only they could go back in time….

  Feeling a second sense of relief at the friendly banter they’d achieved, he impulsively put his arm around her shoulders. “I kissed you for the first time that night.” And without trying he could still feel her soft lips and warm breath and the raging need for so much more. That need had never quite gone away.

  Unexpectedly, his stomach clenched and his scalp began to tingle. He wanted to grab her and hold her and confess every last sin, and profess every last longing emotion he’d held private just for her. But all this was so fresh and new, this gentleness, this closeness, he was afraid to shatter the moment.

  “I could say something, but it’s just way too damn corny.”

  She leaned against him. “Now you have to say it.”

  “It felt like we were causing those fireworks.”

  “You’re right,” she said with a laugh. “That’s really corny.” She leaned her head against his shoulder. “But I like it.”

  Noticing that she wasn’t pushing him away, and was in fact melding against his side, he felt encouraged, and tightened his arm around her. Sam couldn’t touch her enough, drawn to her by some primal recognition of his true mate. He pulled her back against his chest and rested his chin on her head, and tried to think of something other than the empty bed right inside the house.

  “I never thought we’d make it back here again,” he said. “I’m glad it’s a nice night.”

  He was about to go for another kiss, one to rival the kiss they’d shared that night, when she pushed his arms off her and turned to face him. She backed away. “Oh my god. You’re doing it again!”

  He stared at her helplessly. “Doing what?”

  “You’re seducing me. I can’t make the same mistake twice. You’ve admitted you don’t know what you want. For all I know, tomorrow you’ll be gone again. One child is all I can handle. I shouldn’t even be here.”

  For a moment, he was too stunned to do more than stare at her. Then it all seemed to make sense. She thought the entire evening was a ploy to get her naked on the raft.

  Admittedly, he’d given the idea a few extra minutes of his day, but in truth, he’d been too nervous about his planned proposal to think past her reaction, and her answer.

  As he stared out at the raft sitting motionless in the water he wondered if he’d thought this plan through well enough. What would Jenna think when she saw the blanket and flowers, the picnic basket and the cooler with chilled champagne that Becky was supposed to have delivered?

  He turned his gaze from the pond and saw that she was gone. He spotted her striding toward his truck, the gold of her hair shining like a candle flame. Jogging to catch up, he caught her arm and brought them both to a stop.

  “I wasn’t planning what you think I was planning.”

  “Of course you were,” she snapped. “Why else would you bring me here? I can’t afford to play games anymore, Sam.”

  “I’m not playing games.”

  But she’d stopped listening. She turned away from him and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “We’ve gotta fix this,” he said. “Ethan will start noticing. He’s already wondering about me because you tense up around me sometimes. The only two people in this world he can really trust are his parents. You and me. And he’ll never trust me if you don’t.”

  He could tell his words had surprised her. She turned to face him and dropped her arms. “He was just fine with you this afternoon. He was laughing and having a great time.”

  “True,” he said. “Because of the tricycle. But I saw the look he gave me when you told him we were going out. He looked at me like he thought I was up to no good. Like he didn’t trust me. That hurt because I’ve gotta be honest here. I’m falling in love with the kid and he needs to know I’m not a threat.”

  “But you’ll leave again,” she said softly, as though all hope were lost. “You admitted it yourself. You’ll go back to Texas and….”

  “And what? Maybe never come back?”

  She didn’t look at him but nodded.

  Jack had always told him he was too honest for his own good and he was right. He never should have shared his doubts with Jenna. He might as well have warned her not to trust him.

  He had two choices that he could see. He could show her the ring and prove he wasn’t planning anything disrespectful. Or, he could call the evening a disaster and take her home.

  He thought of another option. “My sister reminded me about something today. Something I should probably tell you,” he said. “Think you could stand to hear it?”

  She squinted at him uncertainly. “What are you talking about?”

  He’d never planned to share this story, because it was extremely personal, and involved mistakes he’d made. But he had a new family now. A son. A son he might lose if he didn’t fight for him.

  “Care if we at least sit down?” He stuffed his hands in his front pockets. “I’ll keep my hands to myself, I promise.”

  She tightened her lips, frowning, but finally nodded. “But this better not be a trick.”

  “With the mood you’re in?” he said. “They’d be dragging my body out of that pond tomorrow.”

  She laughed, just a little, and turned with him when he headed for the porch. He placed his hand at the small of her back, wanting more, to touch more of her, but forced himself to hold back. One wrong move and he knew she’d run away again.

  The sun had dipped below the trees, rapidly bringing on the night. He stopped at the breaker box and flipped on the landscape lighting, bringing the back yard to life with sparkles and colors. The backyard seemed to glitter with stars. Every tree and shrub sparkled with white lights, the paths glowed pink and green, the stone borders glimmered with inlaid gold and silver lights. And in the middle of the pond, a large lighted fountain sprayed water and alternated lights of white, blue, pink, red and green.

  Jenna stopped suddenly with a gasp and stared at the beautiful sight. Glad for the chance to bring her a little happiness, for a change, Sam stepped up beside her. “Jack did that last Christmas. He went all out. The kids and everyone liked it so much he just left it this way.”

  “It’s incredible,” she whispered, walking toward the lights.

  He wanted to go with her, but didn’t want to push his luck, so he sat on the wide porch steps instead. Jenna stood staring at the wonderland Jack had created for a while, until she seemed to remember he was there. Then she walked over and sat beside him.

  “Will the anniversary party be here?” she asked. “Ethan would love this.”

  “No, my parents have more room. But we can bring him out here. Anytime.”

  She nodded. “I want to. Before you leave.”

  She didn’t say the word again, but he heard it anyway. And that was exactly why he needed to tell this story. “Something happened eight years ago. I was dating someone, a girl named Megan, and I guess I let it go on a little too long. She started dropping hints, talking about marriage. I panicked and broke up with her.”

  “That sounds familiar,” Jenna whispered.

  Sam cleared his throat and forged on. “I was barely twenty at the time. A sophomore in college. We’d only been dating a month or two. I wasn’t even close to thinking about marriage. Anyway, she didn’t take it very well. That night, she got drunk and drove her car into a bridge pillar at a hundred miles an hour. She called me ri
ght before that, cursing me and saying she was going to kill herself. I never thought she’d actually do it. I told her to get over it. And then just moments later…. I never knew if she meant to do it or if what I said distracted her. I knew she’d had some problems at home and I should have been more careful. I’ll just have to live with it, I guess.”

  “Oh my god. That’s terrible,” Jenna said. She’d turned on the step to face him and he noticed her hand on his arm. “She killed herself?”

  It made him feel sick to remember, but knew he had to keep going. If he didn’t try to explain himself, she would never trust him. “The point is, after that, I’ve been careful to not let things get too serious with anybody. I think it messed with my head. I guess I felt like it was my fault. I let the relationship go on too long even though I knew it wasn’t working. I put off breaking up with her. She was only nineteen. It was stupid and pointless. It still makes me sick to think about it. But it’s not something I can forget and I think that’s what happened with us. My sister thinks so, anyway. You said you loved me and I saw us heading in the same direction. Your dad made a good argument, but the truth was I liked you too much and I couldn’t handle it. I think I needed more time to grow up.”

  Jenna released his arm and turned to face forward again, clasping her hands over her knees. “You don’t have to tell me all this,” she said. “I don’t think you’re interested in me, anymore. I’m not pressuring you to do anything.”

  “Well, no,” Sam said, wondering if she’d heard the same story. “I was trying to explain why I’ve been acting so weird. My point is… this. I want to stay and get to know Ethan, and get to know you again. I’ll stay as long as I need to. I won’t run off again. I promise. You don’t have to worry about that. Until Frankie reminded me, I didn’t realize what I was doing. Why I was so afraid of getting involved with anyone. But now that some time has passed I see what I was doing, and why. I don’t want it to ruin my life. I don’t want it to ruin things with you and Ethan. I couldn’t stand that.”

  “So,” Jenna said, turning toward him again, but only slightly, “what are you saying, exactly? You’re not going back to Texas?”