Remember My Love

by Elise Dee Beraru

  "I don't think so. Nothing comes to mind."

  "Do you ever see any people? Anyone familiar?"

  "I see a man who looks a lot like me, but younger and clean-shaven, and very well dressed--a gentleman. I don't know whether the image is myself as a younger man or a relative of mine. If I dwell on it, I will go mad. My world is here. If my memory never comes back, I am well content to stay here with you and your sister and our babies."

  "Babies?"

  "Well, don't we plan to have more than one?"

  "Please, one at a time." Adele laughed. "And if your memory does come back...."

  "We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it."

  THE HARVEST was good. Mr. Duneagan gave them an excellent price and the reapers carted away a summer's worth of labor. The Stranges and Susannah rode into town on their repaired wagon to stock up on supplies for winter.

  While they were in town, a Pinkerton investigator stopped by. Finding nobody home, he waited about an hour, but when no one returned, he finally made himself a mental note to return the next day and moved on. Returning to Green River, he found a wire waiting for him calling him to Salt Lake City immediately. In his haste to catch the train the investigator neglected to mark down that he'd found nobody at the Stoddard farm and it would need to be revisited. He did not leave a calling card. His experience was that most people clammed up when they thought they were being investigated by the Pinkertons and refused to give any information. The Stranges never discovered that they had been visited.

  They had bought some lovely things: soft flannel for baby clothes, drawing paper and pencils for Susannah. Adele thought so as she put them in the kitchen cupboard and the new bureau. She glanced out the window toward the barn.

  Thunder, the gray stallion Brian had just bought for himself, was resisting being led into the barn. Esmeralda, still in harness, was trying to sidle away. Adele felt a frisson of fear at the sight.

  Dropping what she was doing, Adele hurried to the barn where Brian was just shutting the stall door behind Thunder.

  "Brian, I'm afraid of that horse."

  "He's not for you to ride, then. We can't spend our whole lives riding double on Esmeralda."

  "I know that. But he seems badly trained. Why else do you think he was such a bargain?"

  "Just new surroundings. He'll get over it."

  Exasperated, Adele commented, "Well, at least geld him. It might calm him down."

  "Oh, is that the solution? Cut off his balls?"

  "If it quiets him, it's worth it."

  "Maybe you should try it with me, too."

  "It probably wouldn't calm you down!"

  "When did you become such a bitch all of a sudden?"

  "Me--a bitch?" she screamed. "When did you become such a damned idiot?"

  "You're always trying to run things."

  "It's my farm."

  "You never let me forget it. You know everything, don't you?"

  "No, but I reckon I still know more than you do about farms and livestock. You forget I've been doing it all my life."

  "Yeah, and I'm just a stranger you took in out of pity. Maybe you should have made me the hired hand instead of some kind of breeding stud."

  "Oooohh!" she bit off. "I don't have to stand here and listen to this anymore!" She stormed off into the house.

  That night Adele slept on one extreme edge of the bed and Brian on the other. Or at least they tried to sleep. As midnight approached, Brian turned over in bed and whispered, "I was thoughtless."

  "I was foolish," came the dismal reply.

  "I'll take care of the horse."

  "It's just that I worry. I love you so much, I would hate to lose you because of a nervous horse."

  Brian reached for her. He turned her onto her back. He brushed his hands on her tender breasts, hefting their weight gently. Languorously he drew his hands down to her belly, just beginning to round with promise. He kissed her belly, his shoulder-length hair and shaggy mustache brushing on her tautening skin. She moaned her arousal, parting her legs slightly to welcome the ministrations of his hands.

  "There's only one good thing about fighting," he observed. "Making peace afterwards."

  AUTUMN FOLLOWED summer with winter on its heels. Brian completed the cradle, carving a rising sun on the headpiece to symbolize the new beginning this baby would mean to their lives. Adele sewed baby clothes. Susannah continued to draw every spare moment, her pencils capturing the changes in season and people.

  Adele glowed with inner fire. Her abdomen rounded and grew, her breasts were swollen and tender. The babe quickened within her, and it was not uncommon for Brian to spend nights in bed with her, his ear to her belly listening to the activity within. He never allowed Adele to feel fat, ugly or clumsy with her pregnancy and as a result she appeared even more beautiful than when he fell in love with her.

  As winter moved into spring, Adele grew larger and more ungainly. The night rails and dressing gown she had abandoned when she and Brian became lovers were all she could comfortably wear. Her back ached and her feet swelled until sometimes she couldn't fit her shoes. She felt like a prisoner in the house and the confinement put her temper on edge and caused her to cry often.

  Fortunately, Brian's response was to stay close, touching her and caressing her with kisses and soft words of love. Holding her as she cried in complete confusion at the mood swings, he told her over and over again how beautiful she was, how much he loved her and how much he was looking forward to the coming baby.

  Making love finally became out of the question, but at nights they slept, like two spoons in a drawer, Brian's chest at Adele's back, his arms around her. He knew he had never loved her so much as he did now.

  MARCH 1875 arrived with warmer weather. Adele was standing on the porch, in her nightgown and stocking feet, wrapped in a quilt, when her labor began.

  Soaking wet and shivering from her broken water, she called for help. Brian and Susannah ran in from the barn, where they were getting the tools ready for planting. Susannah was helping for the first time, trying to ignore the pain the heavy lifting and stooping shot through her lame leg.

  Brian reached Adele as her knees gave out on her and she slumped to the porch floor, hanging onto the porch rail. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her inside to their bed.

  "Lie still," he cautioned, "I'll ride into Green River and get a doctor."

  "No!" she cried, real terror in her voice as pain ripped through her, "If I'm going to die I want you to be here with me."

  Brian held her close and crooned, "Sweeting, you're not going to die. I won't let you. But we have to get the doctor."

  "I can go," volunteered Susannah, "I know the way and I can ride well enough. Besides, Esmeralda can travel faster because I'm smaller."

  Brian looked at his sister-in-law. She looked both brave and frightened. She was seventeen now and becoming a real woman. If the right man could see beyond her handicap and appreciate her artistic nature, innate cleverness and genuine heart, she would have no trouble finding a mate, even isolated as she had been.

  He turned to Adele, who was breathing heavily and covered in a fine sheen of perspiration. "Darling, I have to go saddle Esmeralda so Susannah can get the doctor."

  They turned to leave.

  "Susannah, go to Dr. Hogue," Adele said. "He's the doctor who took care of Pa. You know where his surgery is?"

  "I can ask at the mercantile."

  "Brian, lend her your coat. She probably won't get back till after dark and it's still so cold at night. Susannah, put on your quilted petticoat."

  Brian nodded his agreement as he left the house. Susannah took her petticoat out of the armoire and pulled it on under her skirts, then followed him. After Susannah left, Adele pulled herself heavily out of bed and pulled her father's nightshirt out of Brian's drawer in the new bureau. She smiled, thinking of the last time Brian had worn it, knowing its shorter length would be more convenient when her final labor began. She laid her
sodden nightgown and dressing gown over a chair and pulled the nightshirt over her head.

  She went into the old trunk and pulled out the oldest quilts, ones already ragged whose further destruction would not matter. She stripped the bed of sheets and quilts and laid one old quilt on the tick and two others on it to cover herself. Using her toes since she could not bend over, she nudged the woolen socks she wore off her feet, preferring the secure feel of her bare feet on the wooden floor. She then opened the bottom drawer of the bureau and removed the baby items she had made, small quilt and flannel coverings, and made up the cradle.

  Those completed to her satisfaction, she sat on the bed for a moment as another surge of unimaginable pain ripped through her and her body again became damp with sweat. Adele again rose and lumbered into the main room. She filled the large kettle with water from the inside pump and set it to boil on the still lit stove. She pulled out some string and scissors from a nearby cupboard and the sharpest knife from the block and a large mixing bowl and laid them on the table. She took clean towels from the sideboard and laid them on the table next to the other items. She leaned against the table and closed her eyes, trying to remember if there was any other item that had been needed that horrible day eight years ago when her mother had delivered a stillborn boy and died herself not a few hours later. Terror mixed with another pain tore through her and her knees were weakening as Brian returned from the barn to catch her just in time.

  "What are you doing out of bed?" he shouted.

  "I...couldn't lie...still. Things to do...needed things...in case the doctor doesn't get here in time...I need to walk now...."

  Brian slid his arm around her beneath hers, bracing her as they walked in slow circuits of the room. Periodically a labor pain would jar her and only Brian's strength would keep her upright. At some point Adele declared herself hungry and insisted that she and Brian eat some cold bread and meat and drink some tea. For the first time since coming to the farm, Brian felt the sudden urge for a hard drink as his calm exterior barely concealed his own terror at not knowing what to do.

  After they ate, Adele expressed desire to return to bed. Brian tried to carry her but she insisted on walking. Another pain, closer to the previous one than before, hit her as she sat on the bed. She lay back and covered herself with the old quilts.

  "Have you ever seen a baby born?" Brian asked uncertainly.

  "More or less," came the cryptic reply.

  "Is what's happening to you normal?"

  "I don't know...the only birthing I ever saw killed my mother."

  Brian held her. "Oh, my darling. I won't let it happen to you. I need you too much."

  "Then, you must be very clean...Boil the knife and scissors...put on a freshly-laundered old shirt...Wash your hands in the hottest water you can stand with lye soap...and keep Little Gent out of here."

  Brian knew it was going to be hours before Susannah returned with the doctor. It would be a miracle if the doctor arrived before the baby. He knew for certain that whatever he had been before coming to Wyoming, a doctor was not it. Sheer terror rippled through his gut. It would be a long day and evening for both of them.

  Afternoon turned inexorably into dusk. Adele's pains were more frequent. Brian lit the lanterns, rewashed his hands and sponged his wife's face with cool water. Adele was no longer feeling so brave and capable as her labor intensified. Memories of her mother's nightmare last labor haunted her.

  "Brian, if I die...and I have a girl...can you name her after my mother...her name was Beatrice. I killed her, you know. I didn't mean to...I was only sixteen...I'd never seen a birthing. There was so much blood. Oh, God, Brian, I don't want to die."

  Brian gently sponged off her face, crooning, "You're not going to die. I won't let you leave me. But Beatrice is a good strong name. I like it."

  As darkness fell, Adele went into heavy labor. Brian removed the quilts and lifted the nightshirt as she began to push. He helped her part her legs and pull her knees up to aid her efforts. Adele screamed mindlessly and terribly as each push racked through her. Then, miracle of miracles, Brian saw a patch of wet black hair as the baby's head began to emerge.

  "I see it!" he yelled. "Keep pushing."

  In a matter of minutes, the baby emerged, sliding right into her father's waiting arms, covered in blood and fluid. She was red and slippery--and completely beautiful.

  "It's a girl, Adele, now what do I do?"

  "Hold her...by the legs...and slap her...bottom so she...cries."

  Before Brian could slap their daughter, a lusty, protesting cry pierced the air as Beatrice Strange heralded her arrival into the world.

  On Adele's halting instructions, Brian tied the umbilicus tightly with string and cut the cord with the knife. He cleaned his daughter with warm water as Adele expelled the afterbirth.

  "Here's your mommy, sweeting," he crooned, placing Beatrice on Adele's chest, snug between her breasts.

  Brian was removing the afterbirth and cleaning Adele's legs with warm water when Susannah and Dr. Hogue burst through the door.

  He leaned heavily against the bedroom doorsill and announced, "You're a little too late, Doc."

  "Adele?" gasped Susannah.

  "Has just given you a fine little niece, Aunt Susannah. And mommy is just fine."

  Dr. Hogue went into the bedroom to check on mother and baby. He emerged again, nodding.

  "You've done well, son. You've got a fine daughter there. You may want to put the linens back on the bed before your wife sleeps too deeply." Gesturing to Brian to come out of Susannah's earshot, he whispered, "I don't want the girl to hear these things yet. Your wife's milk will probably come in a few hours. Also, I would suggest you restrain yourself in your passions for a few weeks. She's bound to be sore for a while."

  "Of course. Doctor, how long must Adele stay in bed?"

  "Oh, she can get out in a day or two. Other than, um, privately, she'll probably feel fit as a fiddle by the end of a week."

  Dr. Hogue accepted some cold dinner and his fee, although he reduced it seeing as how he had arrived only in time to check out the finished results and left in his carriage for the return home, refusing to stay the night even though Susannah offered her own bed and volunteered to sleep in the barn.

  When the doctor left, Susannah and Brian carried Adele and Beatrice into the main room and set them down on Susannah's bed long enough to remake the other bed. Susannah helped Adele to put on a clean nightgown and then Brian carried her back to bed.

  When Brian came in to go to bed a couple of hours later, Adele had unbuttoned her nightgown and was holding Beatrice to her full breast, where the infant was greedily suckling her first meal of life. Brian sat down on the edge of the bed and reached to touch the soft black hair, marveling at the miracle before him. The baby, momentarily stopped and opened unfocused eyes in her father's direction before rooting around for the nipple again.

  "Are her eyes blue?" he asked tentatively.

  "I think her eyes will turn gray, like her daddy's. Brian, isn't she beautiful?"

  "She's a close second to her mother, my love."

  Adele's brows knitted together, "Brian, now that I've had a baby, you won't stop sleeping with me, will you?"

  Brian looked surprised. "Of course not. The doctor says for me not to come inside you until you're ready, but I don't think I could sleep if I didn't have you in my arms to wake up to."

  Adele leaned back contented and soon her chest was rising softly with the gentle breathing of sleep. Brian lifted Beatrice from Adele and gently holding her in his arms like the fragile wonder she was, carried her to the cradle and covered her with the little quilt. He then undressed and slid into bed beside the woman who had given him his life and then combined with him to make another, even more miraculous one.

  Chapter 9

  TEN DAYS AFTER Beatrice was born, they put the cradle in the back of the wagon and began spring planting. Adele worked as tirelessly this spring as she had the previous one, haltin
g only when Bea cried to be nursed.

  The baby fascinated Brian. He marveled that he could have had any part in creating so miraculous a thing as a child, yet his participation could scarcely be denied. Beatrice had none of Adele's features. She was a miniature of her father.

  Unaware that in the outside world fathers paid very little attention to their young children, Brian participated in every part of Bea's care he could. As often as Adele did, he would dress and bathe his daughter, comforting her when she cried, holding her. He could not get over the sweet scent of her; all powdery and milky.

  Susannah, too, was doting on her infant niece, whose eyes were indeed turning a soft, velvet gray. She found herself drawing sketches of the baby's every mood and move.

  Spring passed into summer and into autumn, marked by the usual hard work and the rapid growth of the baby. Brian and Adele began to make love again around the time of their first anniversary. It was the best anniversary present either of them could think of. They had never stopped sharing a bed, but being able to have Brian buried deep inside her again felt to Adele like she was coming home. To Brian, loving Adele was as natural as breathing. He could not get enough of touching her, tasting her, feeling her contract about him in their shared pleasure. Adele's figure quickly returned to normal with the labor of planting. Life was as good as it could possibly be.

  Except Susannah was not happy.

  As she approached her eighteenth birthday, Susannah began to become restless. She had long ago reached her full height of five foot four and had developed into a voluptuous young woman.

  For the first time that autumn she openly flirted with the reapers who had come to help them with the harvest. Brian found himself admonishing his sister-in-law to show more discretion with the rovers. He was well aware that Susannah was a very attractive young woman and could easily get into trouble.

  Also, for the first time Susannah complained that she wished they could go into Green River more often so she could "meet people." She began to resent her club foot since she knew she could never dance. She began to argue more with Adele and Brian and chafe at being treated like a child. It was her misperception, however. Brian's attempts to protect her reputation were never to treat her like a child, but to keep her safe from harm.