Waiting On the Rain

by Caudia Connor

  Her head came up, her blue eyes nearly meeting his dead on. He watched her wipe her fingers a third time, effectively shredding her napkin. “Of course it wouldn’t be safe if you couldn’t breathe.”

  “No, but maybe…” She slid her hand across the table and he covered it with his. “Maybe it’s getting easier to breathe.”

  35

  “And that’s where we went. That was my birthday,” Ava told Hannah, sitting on the edge of Hannah’s office desk, swinging her feet.

  “I can’t believe he thought that was a good surprise.”

  “But it was,” Ava said, smiling. “It was the best way to do it. I barely had time to obsess over everything that could go wrong before we were up in the sky and then— shewwww!” Ava made a diving motion with her hand. “We were falling!”

  “Better you than me,” Hannah said. “I’m all about adventure as long as it’s on this earth. I’ll leave the sky to the birds.”

  Ava hopped off the desk. She was still wired, energized by the day she’d had with Luke. “Oh! I know what I was going to tell you. There’s a braille label maker that makes these little peel and stick labels. I actually have one.”

  “Great idea,” Hannah said. “Making a note.”

  “I meant, I could do it for you. I use it all the time. Every spice is labeled, some of my make up. It’s fun to use and I could do it in a fraction of the time.”

  “Hey, if you’re offering, I’ll take it and say thank you very much.”

  “Okay. Want to make a list now?”

  “Okay. Let me grab a pad.”

  “Or, if you dictate it into my phone, then I can have it read back the list and make the labels tonight.”

  “Seriously? Okay, but you have to tell me if I’m getting out of control or asking too much.”

  “I will, but really, it’s so easy, I can do as many as you want.”

  Ava opened her note taking app, handing the phone to Hannah. Then, with her cane in one hand, they worked their way through the tack room. Done with that, they made their way outside to the inclusive play set.

  Ava thought about summer here, then the fall when Hannah was hoping to have her first campers here. “I wish I could be here to see them.” Not sure when she starting seeing herself here instead of city.

  “You could come back. I’d love you to come back. I couldn’t pay you much but—”

  “You wouldn’t have to pay me. It might be hard to get the time off work though.” She’d never wanted to get what she’d thought of as a blind job, teaching the blind or typing dictation notes. But really, she just hadn’t wanted to do what people might expect of her because they saw her options as limited.

  “Sorry. That’s dumb. Of course you wouldn’t want to do that. You’ve got more important things like world peace.”

  “No, I was just thinking. I don’t really have anything to do with peace.” It sounded really cool, a translator at the UN, but really she was just repeating what other people said. She wasn’t actually changing lives. Not like Hannah.

  “I told Luke about my ex,” she blurted, then wondered why on earth she would bring that up.

  Hannah stopped walking. “I’m listening.”

  Ava recapped the details for Hannah, and thought how odd that it didn’t hurt in the retelling. It felt like history, a sad history, but history none the less.

  “How did Luke take it?”

  “About like I thought he would. He was angry on my behalf and I was embarrassed. But then…” She lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know. It felt like more than pity.”

  “Why would he feel pity toward you?”

  “Seriously?” Ava tilted her head and gave Hannah a look.

  “Okay. I know about pity from personal experience. And I also know that there’s a difference between pity, the kind that makes you feel like you’re less, like there’s something wrong with you, and the feelings that someone who genuinely loves you feels. It took me a long time to learn the difference. Even longer to accept the difference.”

  Ava nodded, taking in what Hannah said. “I’ve been thinking about it, about a lot of things while I’ve been here. And what I realized is that Blake did. He always saw himself as broken. Thought of both of us as broken. And I think, more than anything, I reminded him of that.”

  Hannah wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “Then it sounds like even with his sight, Blake’s the one with the problem. It also sounds like you know that.”

  Ava smiled. “Yeah. I do.”

  “Okay, one more thing and then I’ll shut up. I get wanting to prove yourself. And not just prove to others that you can, but proving to yourself. And I’m not saying that has anything to do with you going back to New York or taking the job in Italy, but—”

  “I didn’t get the job.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah.” Ava toyed with a leather lead rope hanging on a hook beside her.

  “Are you sorry?” Hannah asked.

  “Honestly, not as much as I thought I’d be. I applied for it a few months after my divorce. I wanted to be running toward something, something better, and not running to get away. I wanted a fresh start and I wanted a good reason for it. Italy was a good reason, a good opportunity. And, I don’t know.” She shrugged, let the leather slide through her hand. “I really did want to move there but not as badly as I thought I did.”

  “Or maybe you don’t have the same need to run now,” Hannah offered. “Maybe you already found something better. Sorry, I’m being a pushy sister.”

  Ava laughed softly. “No. You’re not. I was just thinking… maybe I have.” Now I just have to figure out if I’m brave enough to do anything about it.

  She’d wanted to prove she was just as qualified and capable but maybe on some level, she’d wanted to prove herself to Blake. Since Blake regained his sight, had she lost her way and ended up on a path to prove herself rather than go after what her heart truly wanted? Love, a second chance, a family.

  “Can I ask why you aren’t staying with the cowboy tonight?”

  Ava smiled at Connie’s reference to Luke and shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I figured I should spend the night at home, you know? Plus, I wanted to go to dinner with you. And plus plus! You’re pregnant! I still can’t believe it!”

  “I know. Guess we know I’m fertile, right? I also can’t believe Mom didn’t spill the beans.”

  “Only because she didn’t have a chance.”

  “True.” Her brother had told her parents right before their friends came over, leaving Connie to tell Ava. “I’m really glad we got to do this before you go back to New York.”

  “Me too.”

  “You are going back to New York, right?”

  “Of course. Why? Don’t tell me they’ve enlisted you too.”

  “No. And I wouldn’t try to convince you even if they’d asked. Your brother knows better. And really, Ryan doesn’t have a problem with it. He trusts you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I was just asking, well, because of the cowboy you’re not with tonight. You’ve been spending a lot of time together.”

  “Yeah. We have. Maybe that’s why I’m not with him.” Because the truth was, she hadn’t wanted to come home and sleep alone, but she’d decided she had to. It couldn’t be a good idea to sleep with Luke every night.

  She was falling for him, had fallen, she knew that. Even worse, she’d done it after vowing to never let that happen again. She needed to consider the price she would pay if she let things continue.

  “I don’t consider myself weak, or needy, but with Luke, I feel—”

  “Safe?”

  “I do. Is that wrong? I shouldn’t need him to make me feel safe or protected. But he also makes me feel strong.”

  “I’d say that sounds about perfect. A man that makes you feel safe and strong. Have you ever thought you do the same for him?”

  “What?” Ava turned her face toward Connie in the driver’s seat. “Why?”


  “I don’t know because I don’t know him. But even if you can’t see it, I can see the way he looks at you. Like a man going from freezing cold to standing in the sun.”

  She didn’t know what that looked like, but she knew what it felt like. To stand in the sun, feel the warmth. “I love him,” she said softly.

  “Well, there’s a news flash.”

  Ava’s face crumpled as her throat clogged. “I love him and—”

  “Oh, honey. It shouldn’t make you cry. No, I take that back. It might make you cry. It can be scary and overwhelming.”

  “Overwhelming—there’s a word for it. I love being around Luke, I like the way he makes me feel.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t supposed to feel this. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” She blew out a long breath. “I turned it off, you know? And I was determined not to turn it on again.”

  “And let Blake win?”

  “There’s no winning.”

  “Maybe moving on, being with someone better, is you winning. And by better, I mean someone who loves you, really loves you.”

  “And if I’m too afraid of having my heart broken a second time? Because I don’t know if I could take it. I really don’t know if I could it take with Luke.”

  “Well. Sounds like you have some decisions to make.”

  “Yeah.” They rode in silence a few minutes.

  “Would you ever consider staying here? I know your reasons for living in the city,” Connie said quickly. “I get it, I really do. But if things with Luke are serious…”

  “I don’t know. And that’s a huge leap from hell no, never. He loves it here. I know what he’s doing with the camp means a lot to him. He came here to reconnect with his family and he’s doing that.” She sighed, turned her face to the window. “I guess the only answer I have is, it doesn’t sound as crazy as it used to.”

  * * *

  Later that night, Ava got up for a glass of milk before bed and found her mom in the kitchen.

  “Hey, honey. Can’t sleep?”

  “I haven’t really tried yet. Just feeling like a snack.”

  “Now that you mention it, a snack sounds good. How about sugar cinnamon toast?”

  Her mom had always made her cinnamon sugar toast as a child, extra sugar. “I’d love that. I’ll get the milk.”

  Ava poured two glasses and turned the oven on broil while her mom spread two pieces of bread with butter. She knew her mom would give them a generous crumble of brown sugar topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

  “How was your dinner with the Simons?”

  “It was nice. Sharon made that prosciutto wrapped chicken dish your dad loves. Between the four of us, we polished off an entire bottle of wine. We even played cards.”

  “You party animals,” Ava said smiling.

  Her mom brought the warm toast to the table and they sat. Ava bit into the sugary crunch. “Just right every time.” She heard her mom eat. “On a scale from one to ten how excited are you about Connie being pregnant?”

  “I’d say somewhere near a hundred. You know the Simons have three grandchildren. All in town. They talk non-stop about taking them to the park, having them over for Nanny and Poppy days.”

  “You’re going to make a great grandma,” Ava said and meant it. Her mom might be overprotective but she was attentive and giving.

  “Well, I’ll be counting the days right along with them. Now if you’d just come home, my life would be perfect.”

  Ava close her eyes mid bite, but before she could get up her defenses, her mom covered her hand.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I tell myself not to say things like that, but then it just comes out before I can stop it. I’m trying to be better. I really am.”

  “It’s okay mom.”

  “It’s not,” her mom went on. “You don’t deserve me laying a guilt trip on you, and really that’s not what I’m trying to do, I just… I miss you. I love Connie like a daughter, but you’re my baby girl. I feel like I hardly see you.”

  “I’m sorry, mom.” She squeezed her mom’s hand.

  “No. Don’t be. I’m so proud of you, Ava. So proud. My baby girl, working at the United Nations.”

  “You taught me I could do anything.”

  “And then when you achieved it, I tried to hold you back.”

  Ava smiled at the truth of the statement.

  “It’s not that I didn’t want you to succeed. I did. I just worried.”

  Ava clasped their joined hands. “I love you, mom.”

  “I love you, too, so much. You know, when you were a baby, I read all the books. I read them over and over again. The ones about babies and stages, the ones about babies without sight. I tried to follow everything, to do everything just right.”

  “Mom. You were great. You did great. I mean look at me.” Ava grinned at her mother. Her Mommy. “I turned out pretty okay.”

  “You absolutely did,” her mother said. “And I am sorry about the consulate job. I know I said it was too far and all,” she said when Ava looked shocked. “But you wanted it, so I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I appreciate that. But I like New York. I’ll be happy at the UN.”

  “Will you be happy so far from Luke?”

  “Umm…”

  “Oh, don’t pretend, there’s nothing there. A mother can sense these things.”

  “I don’t know that I have a choice. His life is here. Mine is there.”

  “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. What about Luke moving to New York?”

  “No.” Ava shook her head. “He would never do that. I would never want him to. He came home to connect with his family and that’s what he’s doing. He’s good here. The quiet is good for him after being in the military…” She shook her head again.

  To Ava’s great shock, her mother didn’t push, or make suggestions. She stood, came over and squeezing Ava’s shoulders, kissed the top of her head. “You’ll make the right decision for you. You always do.” And then she walked out, leaving Ava to mull over choices she’d never considered.

  36

  “Hey, you home?”

  “In here,” Luke answered his brother from the bedroom.

  Nick took one look at the bed and froze. “Going somewhere?”

  “Yeah, I am.” He surveyed what he had, still feeling like he was forgetting something. He’d decided to attack his picnic plan like a mission. Figured he needed to lay out all the gear before he starting packing.

  Nick came farther into the room, looking closely at what was laid out. His gaze moved over the wine, the glasses, the blanket. “Ahh. Setting the stage for a romance. Chocolate covered strawberries? Bro. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

  “I know where the specialty markets are.”

  “Huh. That’s interesting.”

  “What’s so damn interesting about it?”

  “Nothing. Here. I brought you some stuff.”

  Luke looked at the box tucked under his brother’s arm. “Thanks. What’s in it?”

  Nick shrugged and set the box on the floor. “Just some stuff. Stuff I saved.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Shit from your room.”

  Luke straightened and went to the box, opened the flap. The first thing he saw was his high school yearbook. Under that was a stack of cards with a rubber band around them. His throat felt thick. He didn’t need to look at each one. The only people to ever give him cards were his mom and dad. “Thanks man.” He had to clear his throat and swallow hard to get that much out. Lucky for him his older brother was also a man of few words.

  He straightened and went back to the bed. Damn, he wanted to dig through the box but no way would do it with his brother here. Couldn’t do it now anyway. He had a date to make. And damn it, he knew he was forgetting something. He cursed under his breath.

  Nick stepped up beside him.

  “Don’t give me any grief.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it. Let’s see… Bottled water, little champagne bo
ttles, nice. What’s in the foil?”

  “Half a chocolate cake. Hannah made it.”

  “Good choice. Napkins, plates, blanket.”

  “I’ve got everything I can think of. Cheese and grapes in there,” he pointed to a small plastic container. “Bread in that other foil.”

  “Condoms?”

  “Shut up. Knife for the cheese. A three ounce can of bug spray.”

  Nick picked up the small first aid kit, raised an eye brow.

  Luke grabbed it back. “I like to be prepared, okay?”

  “Yeah. Fine.”

  Luke frowned at the supplies. “I’m missing something. I know it.”

  “Well, if you’re missing it so am I. You’ve got everything there but the kitchen sink. If you’re going to take this much stuff you might as well stay home.” Nick picked up the bug spray, read the label like he was inspecting it and laid it back in its place. “You know, I had something I wanted to say.”

  Luke stopped his packing to look at his brother. “Okay.”

  “I wanted to say that… well…I’m glad you’re here.”

  Luke huffed out a laugh. “Well, thanks.” He started to turn back to his pack.

  “I mean really glad. And not just that you’re here. I’m glad you’re out.” Nick sank onto the edge of the bed, ran his hands over his face and into his hair. “I should have gone after you that night. I should have stopped you, and all these years, every damn day, I thought, ‘if he dies, if my little brother dies it’ll be my fault.’”

  “Nick. I…” Luke was so taken aback, he sat on the bed next to his brother. “That’s just bullshit. It was my choice. My only choice, or the only one I could see at the time. And really, if I’d gotten killed, I kind of would have deserved it.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “No more so than you thinking it would have been your fault. I forged your name to do it,” Luke added, sliding a grin at Nick.

  “Figured, you little shit.”

  They sat another minute. “You still thinking you’re gonna stay?”