Beefcake & Retakes

by Fennell, Judi

  The other pictures. Tanner swallowed hard. Juliet knew him so well, she’d known what he’d been worried about seeing. First the engagement photos, then…

  “I couldn’t risk it.” To this day, Tanner hadn’t seen the photos of Keegan’s birth. Her grandmother had taken them; said she’d wanted to have pictures of their child.

  Tanner had hardly been able to look at Keegan; pictures of him? No way in hell. He didn’t need to relive the pain. Not with pictures anyway. He relived it every time he thought about his son.

  “She wouldn’t have done that. Not to us. She might look at them, but she knows how we feel.”

  “Have you ever…” He turned his head, blinking the tears he refused to shed.

  “Yes.”

  Her voice was soft. Emotional.

  He looked at her then. “You did?”

  “I needed to. I needed to see him. See us. Him and I. My memories are so hazy from the pain and the meds and the emotions… It was later. After…”

  After he’d left. She didn’t need to say the words; he understood. But he didn’t understand looking at the pictures. “Didn’t it…” He swallowed. “Didn’t it bring back the pain?”

  “The pain’s always with me, Tanner. It just gets put aside for a while when I deal with life. But it’s always there, ready for me to feel it if I choose.”

  “Why would you choose to?”

  “To remember him. To make him real. If I run from it or pretend I’m not feeling it, it’s as if I’m pretending he didn’t exist. I can’t do that. He was too important. Too real to me.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I know.” When she touched him this time, he didn’t pull away.

  “And with what happened to Nana… It just makes life more precious. So I remember him. Memories are all I have.”

  Tanner slipped his arms around her and pulled her close. It was the most natural thing in the world and he couldn’t not do it.

  She gripped his back and squeezed.

  He lowered his chin to the top of her head, feeling her warm breath against his throat. “I loved him so much, Juliet.”

  He ground the words out through a clogged throat, trying not to cry. He’d done that once and it’d been hard as hell to recover from.

  As was this. Holding her.

  He should stop. He should unclasp his hands and walk away from her. She was still the woman who’d tricked him into marriage not once but twice. He couldn’t go through a third time.

  No matter how much he’d wanted her—and still did—if there’d been one thing Tanner had had driven into him in the past eleven years, it was that you didn’t always get what you wanted.

  Once he’d believe that life was fair. That if you lived your life in a good and honest way, treating others as you wanted to be treated, good things would happen.

  So much for that.

  “I’m sorry I called you in here.” He sighed then removed his arms. And his chin. And every other body part that had been mashed up against her. This wasn’t doing either of them any good.

  I beg to differ—

  He shut that thought down the second he felt a stirring in his shorts. Now was not the time nor the place. Nor the woman, if truth be told. Last night might have been great, but it didn’t negate all the years before. It couldn’t.

  “Why?” Juliet blinked up at him.

  There were tears in her eyes.

  God, he’d thought he’d become inured to her tears. After all, she’d shed so many and they’d only caused him more heartache. But, no. Seeing Juliet ready to cry ripped open several scars he’d thought had been welded shut.

  “Because.” Tanner took another step of self-preservation back again. “Because you should be out there with her making her happy. Thought I was helping, but I guess not.”

  He willed her to walk away. To turn around and head back to her grandmother and not give him a backward glance.

  Juliet, being Juliet, did neither. Instead, she cupped his cheek with one hand. “We are making her happy. Just by being here.”

  “But that’s only temporary. And she’s going to be hurt more when I do leave. I don’t know that this was such a good idea.”

  She brought her other hand to his face. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Tanner Wentworth, is that recriminations don’t change how things stand. We just have to keep moving forward and learn from our mistakes. For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is a mistake.” She ran her thumb across his lips. “And I definitely don’t think last night was one either.”

  She didn’t give him a chance to reply, taking a step back then striding out of the office.

  Tanner sagged against the edge of her father’s desk again.

  He wasn’t sure last night was a mistake either.

  Chapter Twenty

  “You seriously want fried chicken over Ermalinda’s food?” Tanner turned right into the local strip mall the next night, enjoying the power of Juliet’s Mercedes. The fleet cars had been reserved for a corporate event so he’d been driving Juliet to work, then going to the gym and doing odds and ends around her house until it’d been time to pick her up. A little more domesticated than he’d planned, but she needed the things done and he didn’t want to risk being alone with Nana. Lord only knew what she’d say.

  At least with Juliet, they were on the same page. Knew what was going on and what subjects to avoid.

  Kind of like that sleeping-together thing. They had yet to discuss it and it was starting to grow roots and plant itself in the middle of her living room.

  “Nana’s having some of her friends over and I’m not really in the mood to deal with all their questions as well. Everyone will understand that we want a night to ourselves.” Juliet pointed to a spot at the curb. “Pull over there and I’ll run in.”

  Tanner turned into a parking space instead and put the car in park at their favorite high school hangout. “I want to come in. Been a long time since I’ve been to Pappy’s.”

  But apparently not for Juliet because there was a loud, “Jules!” from behind the counter when they walked in.

  Connor Crayton. The guy who’d wanted Juliet since first grade.

  But even then, she’d been his.

  Tanner got no small amount of satisfaction from that—until he realized that once Juliet signed the divorce papers, it’d be open season. Crayton would be after her in a heartbeat.

  “Great to see you again, honey.”

  Maybe he already was.

  That thought didn’t sit well with Tanner either. What was with the honey? And the again? Had Crayton been using his absence to get up close and personal with Juliet? With his wife?

  Dude? You’re divorcing her; you get no say in the matter.

  He didn’t care. Right now she was still his wife and if Crayton was coming on to her, Tanner would shut that shit down real quick.

  “Crayton.” Tanner put every bit of testosterone in his body into that one word.

  Crayton straightened. Oh yeah, he’d gotten it in one. “Wentworth. Hadn’t heard you were back.”

  “Must not have gotten the invite to Delia’s. We were there a few days ago.” Yes, he put a slight inflection on the we—to clear up any doubts.

  “Yeah, well, Delia and I… Can’t say we’re the best of friends.”

  Couldn’t say that about Delia and anyone, but Crayton must not have done well enough in life to be considered husband-material in Delia’s book. And for once, Tanner would take a page out of that book. Crayton would not be marrying Juliet when he was gone. He wasn’t sure how he was going to ensure that, but that was not going to happen.

  “Well, it’s good to have you back, man. You staying this time?”

  The guy could take the hopeful, shit-eating grin off his face.

  He slid his arm around Juliet’s waist and ignored the question. “Sweetheart, go ahead and order.” Man, even his Texas drawl came back for that manly show of possession.

  The raised eyebrows Juliet turned his
way said she’d noticed. “Uh, sure.”

  Tanner got immense satisfaction at watching Crayton’s gaze shift between the register and him while Juliet rattled off her order. Not once did the guy look at her.

  Good. Message conveyed.

  “And what would you like, Tanner?” She turned those big blue eyes his way and Tanner’s breath lodged in his throat.

  She was even more beautiful than when they’d been in high school.

  “Tan?” She nudged him with her shoulder.

  “Oh. Right.” He shifted his stance. Should have been paying attention and not mooning over her as if he were still sixteen.

  Then he caught a glimpse of Crayton’s face: crestfallen. Crushed. Good. He’d let him think that the pause was because he’d been swept off his feet by his wife.

  Actually, dude, that is why you went radio silent there.

  Shut. Up. He didn’t need his conscience reprimanding him.

  He rambled off his favorite menu items, wondering if Crayton would do something as sophomorish as spit in his drink.

  He’d like to think not, but then, he also would’ve bet he’d never go Caveman about a woman.

  Luckily, Crayton wasn’t working the kitchen, so all he had to do was bag up the food and fries, and a teenage girl poured their drinks. Still, Tanner watched him like a hawk.

  And he didn’t take his arm off Juliet’s waist.

  Juliet wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but the fact that Tanner called her sweetheart and put his arm around her waist had her thinking that he thought Connor was interested in her. He’d be right—Connor had asked her out a few times since Tanner had left, but she’d always told him the same thing: that she was married and her husband was out of town on business. She hadn’t lied and it was the perfect excuse to keep him at arms’ length. What was going to happen once she signed those divorce papers was something she’d deal with when the time came.

  God, she didn’t want to think about that. Why couldn’t this be real? Why couldn’t Tanner’s arm around her mean he wanted it there and not because of some stupid machismo parade?

  “Don’t forget the extra cookie,” she said when Connor set the bags on the counter.

  “I thought you had the best cook in the state working for you? Why do you want some mass-produced cookie instead?”

  “Connor, don’t let Ermalinda hear you say that; she’s the best cook in the country, not the state.”

  “You got that right. Last time I had one of her desserts, I wanted to steal her away. But your father pays her too well, or she loves your family too much because she just laughed in my face.”

  “It’s the family.” Tanner all but yanked the bags off the counter. “She’s fiercely loyal. But then, the Chambers make it easy to be.” He nudged her with his shoulder. “Ready to go home, sweetheart?”

  She was if he kept talking like this. And the fact that he almost sounded jealous…

  “Um, sure.” She used the opportunity to tuck her arm around one of his and waved at Connor. “Thanks, Con.” For more than he knew. “See you around.”

  “I’d like that, Juliet.” Connor gave her a genuine smile—much more real than the one he wore when he looked at Tanner and said, “Good to see you, Wentworth.”

  “Yes. Yes, it was.” Tanner gave him that guy head-flip/chin-up thing and nudged the door open with his hip. “After you, Jules.”

  She literally almost tripped over the threshold. Tanner had always treated her well, but she couldn’t remember the last time he’d held a door for her. Definitely not leaving the courthouse when they’d gotten married.

  Hmmm, she was liking this jealousy thing. Now how could she use it to her advantage—

  No. She wasn’t going to manipulate him. Shame on her for even thinking it. If Tanner was going to come back to her it would be because he wanted to. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering if he was going to leave again. No, however hard it would be to watch him walk out of her life, it was better to have an answer than always be wondering if he was going to.

  “So you see Crayton often?” Tanner set the bags on the floor behind the passenger seat.

  Good; she liked having him drive. Just like when they’d been in high school. He’d had a clunker of a truck while she’d had the Jetta her parents had given her for her sixteenth birthday. Tanner had called it a girly car and said that if she wanted to be with him they were going in his truck. She hadn’t minded; the truck had a bench seat and lots more room.

  She smiled at the memory.

  “That’s quite a reaction.” Tanner didn’t sound happy.

  Oh, he thought she was smiling about Connor.

  Just because she wasn’t going to manipulate him didn’t mean she had to correct his wrong assumptions. “Not really. I only stop by there occasionally.” As in, once every three years.

  Tanner didn’t respond, but he did slam the back door hard enough to make her wince. Thank God for German engineering; her car could take his jealousy.

  She could too. She liked it. It meant he felt something other than disdain for her.

  She tried to keep the smile off her face when she got in the car. Didn’t want to make him think too much was going on with Connor or he’d wonder what the other night was about.

  She was wondering what the other night was about. Oh, she knew why she’d let it happen; she wanted to know—desperately—why he had.

  She also wanted it to happen again. Sadly, last night, he’d made dinner while she’d showered after work, then he’d pulled out his laptop while she flicked through the channels and played with the kitten until he called it a night and gone to bed. Alone. They’d been together, but not.

  “Nana wants me to take her to get her hair done tomorrow,” she said when they stopped at a traffic light. “She won’t let Dad come, says he’s hovered enough over her. But I’m worried about transporting her and I was wondering—”

  “If I’d go with you.” They’d finished each other’s sentences back in the day. “Of course. I’ll get her situated in the salon then go hang out with Rick or someone.”

  “Did anyone ask any awkward questions at when you saw them at Delia’s?”

  He glanced in the side view mirror then changed lanes. “No. Which I guess makes sense if we really are together. They still see us as a couple.”

  Because they should be one.

  “They do want to get together Thursday night. Guys’ night out. I told them I’d check with you. See what the plans were.”

  “It’s okay, Tanner. You’re allowed to have a life here. It’s normal for married people to have different interests and go out with their friends. We don’t have to be joined at the hip.”

  There was silence between them. They’d been joined at more than the hip the other night.

  God, she wanted to go there with him. It was this big white elephant in the car and they weren’t addressing it. Part of her wanted to push the issue, the other part wasn’t ready to. Didn’t want to hear the, “We can’t do that again” speech. And anyway, actions—or lack thereof—spoke louder than words.

  Change of subject was definitely called for.

  She pulled out her phone. “I have to go into the office tomorrow first, though.” She punched in a number and counted the rings until Steve picked up. “Hey, Steve, it’s Juliet. Can you do me a favor?”

  “Of course, Ms. Wentworth. What can I do for you?”

  The deference in his voice was still difficult to get used to. For so many years she’d shown up in Dad’s office as merely his daughter. Half the staff had known her when she was in diapers and had seen her in her cheerleading uniform. It’d been a bit intimidating to go in her first day as Dad’s replacement in a suit, but everyone had been more than willing to give her a chance. Then, as she’d had some success, and the friendships she’d built with the staff while being her father’s daughter had helped ease the transition to being their boss.

  “Can you check to see if any of the fleet cars
are available yet? I thought the team was supposed to be back tonight. If so, can you have one delivered to my house, please? Put it under my husband’s name for insurance purposes.”

  “Your… husband.” There wasn’t a question mark on the end of that, but there could be.

  “Yes. Tanner Wentworth.” Steve had only been with the company for five years. She would have assumed he’d heard about her past, but she couldn’t really blame him for not retaining that information.

  “Will do, Ms. Wentworth. I’ll have Dispatch get one out as soon as it’s been detailed if there’s one available.”

  “Thanks. And please have them leave the keys in the planter on the left of my front porch.” She didn’t want a knock interrupting whatever she and Tanner had going on. If they had anything going on…

  “Certainly. Have a nice evening, Ms. Wentworth.”

  “Thank you, Steve. You, too.”

  Tanner glanced at her when she hung up and it made her self-conscious. “What?”

  “You. You sounded so… I don’t know, professional.”

  “I am a professional.”

  “I know but it’s just…” He cocked his head. “It’s different. You’re different. From what I remember.”

  “I’ve grown up, Tanner. We all do.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Juliet didn’t get much sleep after they’d eaten the fried chicken in a, well, if not comfortable silence, at least it hadn’t been silent. Seeing Connor had brought up memories of high school and they’d actually had a couple of good laughs as they’d tripped down Memory Lane, though studiously avoiding any mention of Keegan.

  But it wasn’t that or the white elephant that had tiptoed through her dreams that accounted for the lack of sleep, surprisingly. No, that she could blame solely on Houdini.

  That kitten was going to be spending a lot of nights in the laundry room. The little high-octane curiosity-seeker had decided the dresser was a skating rink, the chair in the corner was a jungle gym, and Juliet’s belly was a trampoline. Juliet got maybe a total of three hours of sleep before dragging herself out of bed at five thirty and sneaking into the bathroom to grab her shower and get ready for work. She fed the kitten then locked her into the laundry room, and was on her way to the office before Tanner woke up.