All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  “Mattie.” Eyes blurred with tears, she reached for her son.

  Arms held immobile by Alec, Matt kicked out, his foot connecting hard with her shin. She staggered back.

  “Knock it off,” Alec said grimly. “I’m not letting you hurt your mother. Do you hear me?”

  “Let me go! Let me go! I hate you!”

  A part of Julia knew the girls had emerged from Liana’s bedroom and stood staring, white-faced. Matt’s face was so twisted, he was unrecognizable. She had never felt so helpless and frightened, watching Alec fight to subdue this boy she didn’t even know. There were grunts and the sound of Matt’s wild kicks and blows connecting, an occasional muffled curse from Alec, screamed obscenities from Matt.

  About the time Alec managed to plant a yelling Matt in a chair and hold him down, Julia pulled herself together enough to usher Sophie and Liana back to the bedroom. They crept backward like a pair of baby mice. For all Liana’s exposure to Matt, even she looked shocked. The bedroom door shut behind the girls, but Julia had no doubt they would huddle inside, still able to hear too much.

  She hurried back to fall to her knees beside the chair. “Matt. Oh, Mattie—”

  “Don’t call me that!” He renewed the battle. “I told you not to call me that! I hate you.”

  She fell backward from the vitriol in his voice.

  Alec swore again. “That’s enough. What is wrong with you?”

  “With me? It’s her,” Matt cried. “You don’t know her.”

  “I do.”

  The confidence in his voice, despite everything, gave Julia courage she’d been lacking. She looked into her son’s eyes, dilated black. “Tell us both why I’m so awful.”

  Matt tried to curl away from her, head hunching as if he could pull it in like a turtle’s.

  All her shock and fear and distress became anger. “Oh, no, you don’t!” she snapped. “I’ve had enough of this. What did I do that’s so bad?”

  He all but exploded. “You know!” he screamed.

  “I don’t know!” she yelled back.

  Alec, crouched beside her, kept his hands on Matt.

  “You killed Daddy!”

  Her chest cramped in agony. Her mouth moved, but nothing came out.

  “It’s your fault he’s dead!” Matt accused her. “You know it is!”

  Julia hunched, as if to protect her vulnerable midsection, although there was no physical way to protect herself from his hate. “You heard,” she whispered.

  Tears streamed down his face now. He was a blur through her own tears. “You told him if he went away he shouldn’t bother coming home. I heard you!”

  She shook her head dully, then had trouble stopping. “You have to know I didn’t want your father to die.”

  “You did!” He was trying for the same fury, but his voice had become smaller, more croak than scream.

  “No. Never. I wanted...I wanted him to put us first. Don’t you understand?”

  “No! If you hadn’t made him go away—”

  A dry sob erupted from her. Julia barely controlled it, painfully conscious of Alec, crouching beside the chair and watching them both, his dark face inscrutable.

  “I would never have wanted anything bad to happen to him. It was partly because I was always so afraid when he was away that I asked him to give it up. Not necessarily the navy or even the SEAL team—he could have done training or...”

  Her son stared at her with hate. “I think you wanted him to die so you could be with him.” He transferred his scathing look to Alec.

  “No.” Her protest emerged as a bare whisper.

  Matt went back to staring at her. A sick hopelessness swept over her. Somehow she had lost him. Maybe he’d always loved his father in a way he hadn’t loved her. Maybe...maybe she had some failing of character she hadn’t known about. Or was he right? Had she, in some secret part of herself, hoped for Josh to die, freeing her?

  Shaking her head again, she lurched to her feet. “I don’t know what we’re going to do,” she said, voice thin.

  Something changed on Matt’s face.

  “Julia.” Alec’s voice was rough-textured, worried, but she couldn’t look at him at all.

  “I can’t...” She backed away. “Maybe tomorrow— I’m sorry. I’m going to bed.” She all but ran then, desperate for the sanctuary of her bedroom. Alec called after her, but she ignored him.

  Once inside her room, she looked around frantically. If only there was a lock on the door—but it would have been one of those flimsy, push-button ones anyway, that wouldn’t keep anyone out. She could pull a piece of furniture in front of the door...but that reminded her unpleasantly of Matt’s behavior. And it wasn’t as if she could hide in here forever, she realized, the crushing weight of her responsibilities and failures crumpling her.

  Back to the door, she slid to the floor. Oh, God. Liana and Sophie, scared. Poor Alec, left with the demon spawn. And I am the demon who spawned him, she thought, with wretchedness worse than anything she’d ever felt, even after learning about Josh’s death.

  Her face was already wet, she discovered when she lifted her hands. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and buried her face. Curled in a ball as tight as she could make it, she cried, silently, hopelessly.

  There were voices in the hall, doors opening and closing, and finally a knock on her door, but the best she could manage was a choked, “Go away.”

  Whoever it was—Alec—did finally.

  Only thoughts of Liana finally got Julia to her feet. She was still a mother, even though she’d lost her son.

  * * *

  ALEC DIDN’T LEAVE until Julia came out. He wouldn’t have gone then if she’d given any indication she wanted to talk, or even be held, but when she saw him sitting in the living room, lit only by a single lamp beside the chair, she only shook her head and mouthed, Tomorrow.

  Weary and hurt, he nodded and let himself out.

  The night air felt clean and cool. He stood outside for a while, but eventually let himself into his side of the duplex, where he realized he had no idea what to do. Go to bed? However exhausted, he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

  Not much of a drinker, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and sat down in the living room, contemplating it for a minute before he downed it in one long swallow. The burn slid down his throat and into his belly. He waited for it to bring numbness.

  He didn’t understand any part of that scene. It was tragic that Matt had overheard his parents’ final argument, but how could he possibly believe his mother had wanted his father dead? Alec would stake his life on Julia’s essential character—everything he’d outlined to her tonight, starting with goodness. The change in Matt had been almost overnight; it hadn’t begun in some twisted relationship with Julia, a secret ugliness hidden from Alec. No, it had only to do with Josh’s death, with the timing, with the overheard fight—but it still didn’t make sense.

  And the vicious way Matt had turned on Alec, who had loved the boy since the day he was born. Did he really think all the time spent with him had been a lie created so Alec could get into his mother’s bed?

  Alec had known that sooner or later Matt would blow, but he’d been convinced it would be healthy for all of them when it happened.

  Now? He made a raw sound, letting his head rest against the chair. Now he wondered if there was any going back from the damage done tonight.

  He had let Matt go to his room, only stopping him before he closed the bedroom door. “The bathroom’s as far as you go.” The harshness in his voice had shocked Matt, Alec could tell, but at that point he didn’t give a damn.

  Then he walked Sophie home, taking time to talk to her and then to her mother, and went back and sat on the edge of Liana’s bed talking to her for a long time. How much good h
e’d done, he didn’t know. He’d have sworn she had shrunk—lost weight, even her bones becoming more frail.

  “I’m scared,” she kept whispering, and he’d held her, his cheek pressed to the top of her head and thought, I’m scared, too.

  What he said was, “It will get better, sweet pea. Your brother heard things he didn’t understand and he’s let them fester instead of talking them out with me or your mom. Now we finally can talk. I know it was frightening, but I really doubt he meant most of what he said.”

  She shivered, and he suspected she didn’t believe him any more than he believed himself.

  Alec had never wanted to see an expression on Julia’s face like when she stared at Matt there at the end, right before she shut herself in her bedroom. She was bone-white, her eyes huge and dark; she looked like someone whose house was burning down in front of her with her family inside it.

  Alec wanted even less to remember the expression on Matt’s face when he saw Uncle Alec kissing his mother, or when he screamed that he hated them both.

  As a cop, Alec had seen the worst of human devastation and degradation. Pain and bottomless hate, despair and hopelessness. But that hadn’t been the people he loved.

  Julia, he knew, wouldn’t turn to him for comfort or for love. She couldn’t. However they moved forward, she would never be willing to hurt Matt to that extent.

  God, he thought, desperately wanting another shot of whiskey but unable to stand and get one. I should have left well enough alone. Josh, I thought I was doing the right thing. I swear I did!

  Maybe he’d already loved Julia, but he’d loved the kids, too. He had only wanted to help, and he was beginning to think that, in trying to do so, he was partly responsible for the mess all their lives had become.

  He hadn’t thought he would sleep and only knew he had when he abruptly awakened. He blinked into the darkness a couple of times, groping for the dream that was slipping away even though it had been an uneasy one. Maybe he should be glad something had wrenched him out of the nightmare, he thought, glancing at the bedside clock. It was 3:14 a.m.

  His brain finally cleared enough for him to realize what he was hearing. He frowned, focusing. An engine. Idling right outside the duplex. And damned if that didn’t sound like his Tahoe—

  “Shit!” He rocketed out of bed, grabbed the trousers he’d thrown over the back of a chair and hopped into them. Shoes—he fumbled his feet into athletic shoes and bothered tying them only so he knew he could run if he had to. Weapon.

  He’d reached his front door when he heard the distinct sound of the vehicle moving, hesitating, shifting gears. Flinging open the door, Alec raced out just in time to see that his driveway was empty—and the SUV was accelerating away down the street, he could see clearly beneath the streetlamp.

  Swearing, he went back in, grabbed his phone and called dispatch, reporting the theft.

  “Whoever the son of a bitch is,” he started to say, then thought again, Shit.

  “Keep me in the loop,” he snapped and ended the call.

  Seconds later, he leaned on Julia’s doorbell. When the response wasn’t immediate, he hammered on the door.

  It seemed like ages but probably wasn’t even two minutes when the porch light came on and he heard the dead bolt being released. Julia appeared in the opening, wearing boxer shorts and a tank top, her hair tangled and her cheek creased. And, God, her eyes so puffy from tears they weren’t much better than slits.

  “Alec?”

  “Somebody just stole my Tahoe,” he said. “You need to check to be sure Matt’s still in his room.”

  “Oh, dear God,” she breathed and vanished. He opened the door and followed her inside, snapping on a table lamp. She was back in seconds.

  “No. His window is open and he’s gone.”

  “Look for your keys,” Alec said grimly.

  For safety’s sake, they both carried spare keys to each other’s vehicle and to the other side of the duplex. In case one of the kids got home and couldn’t get in. In case either of them locked themselves out of a car. Standard precaution—and dumb as hell, it now seemed to him.

  Without a word, she headed for the kitchen. Light blazed on. Almost immediately she returned, looking as if somebody had hit her. “The whole set of keys is gone.”

  He swore.

  “Why didn’t he take my car?” she asked. Begged.

  “You know why. Mine’s newer and cooler, with the bonus that he can hit out at me.”

  “He doesn’t know how to drive.” She sounded almost numb, and her expression was stricken.

  He stepped forward and gathered her into his arms, even if holding her was what had begun this whole mess. “I’ve already called nine-one-one,” he murmured. “They’ll pull him over.”

  Despite the distraction of her slim body leaning against his, he couldn’t help speculating on how the kid was driving. Even with the seat completely forward, how was he reaching the pedals? And, since he obviously was, how the hell was he seeing over the dashboard? Or—damn it—had he somehow gotten in touch with an older boy to be a coconspirator?

  Alec wasn’t a praying man, but he found himself doing it anyway. The Tahoe was insured; any vehicle could be replaced. But imagining Matt’s too-slight body after an accident... He swallowed hard. The seat belt wouldn’t fit right. And, man, what an exploding air bag would do to someone Matt’s size— Alec didn’t even what to think about it.

  Julia mumbled something into his chest.

  He eased back. “What?”

  “We can’t help him anymore.” The grief in her voice tore at his heart.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you think he’d be better off living with someone else?”

  “Like who?” His anger was inexplicable. He knew where she was coming from. If Matt wouldn’t cooperate with counseling, maybe he’d be happier...but where? “Not with my parents,” he said with finality.

  “No. Or mine.” She seemed to sag. “I could talk to my brother.”

  “The one you hardly know.”

  She gave him a wild look. “He’s getting worse, not better. I’m not giving him whatever he needs.”

  Alec didn’t want to agree, but she was right. Things with Matt were escalating. If he survived tonight... “Maybe a group home would be a good option for him,” he said gently. “Trained counselors to work with him, us nearby.”

  She didn’t say anything. His arms tightened again. She went back to leaning on him, or maybe they were leaning on each other. Neither spoke for a long time.

  “Won’t they call you?” she finally asked.

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “There must not have been a patrol unit nearby.”

  “Maybe you should have chased him.”

  “I don’t know. Your car doesn’t have the horsepower the Tahoe does.” He bent his head back. “My first thought was to find out whether Matt was behind the wheel or not.”

  Probably too late, he had considered going after Matt, but the thought of what he’d do if he glanced in the rearview mirror—could he see in the rearview mirror?—and realized his uncle was on his tail had scared the hell out of Alec.

  Oh, damn. He should have ordered no lights or siren until the last second. Better yet, boxing the Tahoe in and forcing it to ease to a stop. Surely Matt wasn’t foolhardy enough to make a real run for it—

  Alec would have groaned if he hadn’t known he’d increase Julia’s fear. Matt was self-destructing. Foolhardy didn’t begin to describe his recent behavior. Reason and self-preservation were no longer in his vocabulary.

  Alec had set his phone and weapon on the end table. Now he stared at the phone over Julia’s head, willing it to ring, scripting a reassuring voice.

  Pulled him over, no problem, Chief. Do you want to come get him?


  But the more time that dragged by, the more unlikely became the easy end to Matt’s ugliest and most dangerous instance of acting out.

  If they sent him to live with someone else, he’d see that as rejection. But keeping him at home was ripping Julia apart and harming Liana, too. Two days ago, Alec would have offered to take him, giving Matt and Julia some separation. But now that Matt hated him, too—

  The phone rang and bounced on the wood surface. Alec let go of Julia and snatched it up.

  “Raynor.”

  “Chief, this is Caroline.” He had already recognized the dispatcher’s voice and now nodded meaninglessly.

  “Your nephew got out onto the highway. The pursuing officer estimates he reached eighty miles an hour.” She hesitated. “I’m afraid he went off the road and rolled your vehicle. I’m told he’s unconscious.” Her voice was kind, almost motherly. “Paramedics are responding. I suggest you go directly to the hospital. Um...I assume you can reach the boy’s mother?”

  “Yes.” Somehow he’d shut down and succeeded in sounding emotionless. “She’s with me. Thank you, Caroline.” Very carefully, he touched the screen to end the call, then made himself look at Julia. “He’s been in an accident. All the dispatcher knows is that Matt’s unconscious. Paramedics are on their way or already at the scene. We need to go to the hospital.”

  She nodded, closed her eyes and swayed. But when he reached for her, she shook her head hard. “No, don’t touch me. I...I have to pull myself together.”

  Alec didn’t like the idea that his touch would weaken her, but he could only nod. Whatever she needed.

  “You go get dressed. I’ll wake Liana....”

  “Mommy?” her daughter said. In shorty pink pajamas, she came into the living room. “Why are you up?” she asked in obvious bewilderment. “Why is Uncle Alec here?”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” Julia went to her and drew her into a hug. “It’s Matt. He’s done something really dumb this time.” She explained without drama. “I think it would be best if you go spend the rest of the night with Sophie.”

  “I want to come with you!”

  “Honey...” Julia’s voice wavered.