All a Man Is

by Janice Kay Johnson

  Liana’s face crumpled. “Mommy, please!”

  Alec could see the escalation and knew Julia was in no shape to deal with it. He stepped forward.

  “No. Sweet pea, your mom has to be free to spend time at Matt’s bedside if that’s necessary. Kids under twelve wouldn’t be allowed in. We can’t take you.” He made sure she would hear that there was no give. “Now, go put on a robe and slippers. If you need a pillow or blanket or anything, get it.”

  She raced for her bedroom with a wail. Alec gave Julia a nudge, feeling the tremble in her fine-boned body. “Go,” he said gruffly. “Get dressed. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  She cast him a despairing look and went.

  He returned to his side of the duplex and took the time to strip and get dressed again, including the extras like underwear and socks. He hooked his badge and a holster on his belt, sliding the SIG into it.

  Liana was ready and still waiting for her mother, so he took her next door, once again waking an unsuspecting woman. Andrea responded quickly, hugged Liana and said, “Of course you can spend the night, pumpkin! Go climb into bed with Sophie. She’s awake.”

  Liana’s lower lip trembled. “But...I won’t know.”

  If her brother was alive or dead, she meant.

  For her benefit, Alec smiled. “I imagine he’s going to have a heck of a headache. He’s also going to be in deep doo-doo. You sleep tight, sweet pea. We’ll be back by morning.”

  She sniffed and went reluctantly. Only when she was out of hearing did Andrea ask for more information and reach out to squeeze his arm when he said Matt was unconscious.

  “I’ll pray for him.”

  He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Thanks, Andrea.” He sounded hoarse. “I want to wring his neck for putting us all through this.”

  “But you want him to be okay so you can. I know the feeling.”

  He walked back across the dry lawn to Julia’s car, parked in front of her tiny garage. They’d talked about installing a remote-control opener, but in the meantime she confessed putting the car inside was more trouble than it was worth.

  She handed him the keys, as if it was a given he’d drive. Feeling the tremor in her hand, he was glad she had the sense to know she shouldn’t be behind the wheel.

  When they reached the hospital, an ambulance with flashing lights was parked in front of the emergency entrance. Two people in blue uniforms were lifting out a gurney, hospital personnel waiting to receive it.

  Julia reached for her door handle even though the car hadn’t come to a stop. “Matt!”

  “Probably,” Alec said, “but you don’t want to get in the way. Let’s give them a minute to get him inside.” Instead of letting her out, he kept her with him as he parked, then held her to a walk on the way in.

  They went straight to the receptionist.

  “Julia Raynor,” Julia said, voice taut with anxiety. “My son was being brought in.”

  The woman glanced at her computer monitor. “He’s already here, Mrs. Raynor. Let me check to see if the doctor can speak to you yet.” She picked up her phone and spoke in an unintelligible murmur.

  Neither Julia nor Alec made a move toward the chairs in the waiting area. Alec wanted to bust through those damn swinging doors and to hell with hospital protocol. He could only imagine how Julia felt.

  The receptionist hung up. “It’s going to take a few minutes. Do you have Matt’s insurance information with you?”

  Julia did. Once she’d filled out what appeared to be a sheaf of forms, the receptionist suggested they take a seat. “Someone will be out shortly.”

  Alec let out a ragged breath. After a moment, he steered Julia a few feet away. “Let’s walk,” he said. “I can’t sit or just stand here.”

  Bemused, she looked at him. “Like Josh.”

  “Sometimes,” he admitted. He could be still for long stretches, but not when he was tense. Then, he needed to be moving.

  A long corridor opened off the E.R. waiting room, leading to the rest of the hospital. He and Julia walked it, back and forth, remaining within sight of the receptionist. They paced for what had to be the longest five minutes of his life. Neither of them said a word. Occasionally he laid a hand on her back, needing the small contact.

  They had turned and were walking back toward the waiting room when Alec saw that a nurse was speaking to the receptionist and looking toward them. Julia groped for his hand and he probably crushed hers in his grip, but he didn’t let go.

  Please, God, he thought, let this woman smile, not meet their eyes with the compassion in hers that would tell them the unbearable had happened.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  JULIA CLUNG TO Alec’s hand as if it were a life buoy, all that kept her from drowning. She had never in her life been so terrified. Josh’s death had been presented to her as a fact, something done and over with, likely days before she was notified, although officials were never willing to give her details. This, though, fearing the worst, was horrific.

  The nurse waiting for them was small and well rounded with a bouncy blond ponytail. She wore blue scrub pants and a scrub top with a splash of blue flowers on white. Julia drank in every detail, knowing it was a self-defense mechanism.

  They were within speaking distance when she began to smile. “Hi, my name’s Carrie. We’re ready for you in back. Matt got banged up some, but he regained consciousness before he arrived here in the E.R. The doctor will want to talk to you, but it appears none of his injuries are significant beyond a broken arm and a concussion.”

  A sob escaped Julia. Alec let go of her hand so he could wrap his arm around her and support her as they were led through those doors and down an even wider corridor lined with small, glass-fronted rooms. Carrie led them into the third room on the right, where Matt lay in a bed with the head halfway raised. A white bandage covered his forehead, and one arm was held awkwardly in some kind of temporary splint. He was going to have two black eyes, too, Julia saw, with what detachment she could summon.

  “Thank God,” she heard herself whisper, hurrying forward. “We’ve been so scared.” She started to reach out to him, then stopped. When was the last time he’d let her hold his hand?

  Her son gazed at her with incredulity. “You don’t—” his voice cracked “—hate me?”

  Beside her, Alec gave a strange laugh. “We’re mad as hell at you, but of course we don’t hate you. No matter how big an idiot you are, your mom and I both love you.”

  The boy’s brown eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean...” He choked, his face spasming.

  “To kill yourself?” Alec asked drily.

  How did he seem to know what to say and how to say it? He could be sardonic and tender at the same time. Julia knew, knew Matt would respond better to that than he would if she threw herself on him weeping, which was what she wanted to do.

  Her son’s uninjured fingers gripped the white cotton blanket. “I thought I could drive,” he said in a very small voice.

  Julia stayed silent. Matt avoided meeting her eyes.

  Alec studied him. “I’m told you reached eighty miles an hour.”

  Dark color flooded Matt’s bruised face. “I was scared. I thought if I got away I could come home and you’d never know I took your car.”

  Alec only shook his head. “The cop would’ve had your plates run by that time, kid. Anyway, unfortunately for you, I’d already called in the theft of my vehicle.”

  His eyes tried to widen. “You heard me.”

  “I heard you.”

  “Oh.” For a moment, it seemed that his face would crumple with emotion, but then he controlled it. He stole a glance at Julia.

  “Were you trying to kill yourself?” she heard herself ask. She heard her own note of semihysteria, but prayed he didn’t.
/>   “No!” he flared. “Why would you think that?”

  “Maybe because you came damn close,” Alec suggested.

  Matt’s gaze fell, and his Adam’s apple bobbed a couple of times in his skinny neck. “I was just...I was...I was...”

  “Mad,” Julia supplied, for lack of any other word.

  He shook his head and cast her a desperate look.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Raynor?” a man said from behind her.

  Startled, she turned and felt Alec do the same.

  Clearly the doctor, the newcomer was tall, thin and had brown hair that glinted with strands of gray. He wore a white coat and had a stethoscope draped around his neck. He studied them carefully even as he held out a hand.

  “I’m Dr. Beaumont. You’re Matt’s mother and father?”

  “Mother and uncle,” Alec said, shaking his hand. “Matt’s father was killed overseas.”

  He nodded. “I gather this young man stole the vehicle he wrecked tonight.”

  Alec grimaced. “It was mine.”

  “I see.” Dr. Beaumont’s eyebrows twitched a few times. Who knew how much he guessed about their family dynamics. “Well, Matt was very fortunate, although he’s going to hurt for some time. According to the paramedics, the air bag did expand, but it slammed him against the door, breaking his arm and giving him a heck of a bump on the head. It also protected him to a degree, of course.”

  He went on talking, explaining that Matt had apparently been unconscious for only a few minutes. His pupils looked good now, and he wasn’t complaining of any dizziness or vision problems. To err on the side of caution, they would still like to do a CT scan. The break was his humerus, which was the bone in the upper arm. “Safely above the elbow,” he said, “but he’s going to need to wear a cast for a month to six weeks, which means he’ll likely be starting school wearing a sling.” He grinned at Matt. “Matt tells me he’s right-handed, though, so the cast won’t get him out of doing his homework.”

  Alec asked a few questions; Julia had trouble focusing on the answers. Saying that he was going to arrange the CT scan, after which they would set and cast the arm, the doctor left. Watching Matt, Julia realized he must really hurt; they wouldn’t have given him anything like morphine without her permission, would they? Or maybe they’d delayed because of the head injury.

  “You know how lucky you were,” Alec said, stepping closer to the bed.

  “What’s a CT scan?” Matt asked, low. “I mean, do they think, like, there’s something wrong with my brain?”

  That conversation wafted over Julia, too. She could tell that Matt was keeping an anxious eye on her. Maybe her silence was worrying him. Well, good.

  “They said you rolled Uncle Alec’s almost brand-new SUV,” she said, then flushed when she realized she’d interrupted Alec midsentence.

  He only smiled.

  Matt hung his head. “Um...yeah.”

  “I imagine it will be totaled,” Alec agreed. “I’ve never seen a vehicle yet that was in a rollover accident not sent to the wrecking yard.”

  “Are you... What are you going to do to me?” Matt’s voice was high and scared, although it had begun, recently, to change.

  Alec glanced at her; she nodded tacit permission. Her son’s eyes widened apprehensively.

  “That’s going to depend on you, Matt.” Alec leaned against the bed railing. “You have to talk to us about what’s going on with you. Things have to change.”

  Matt didn’t say anything.

  “Let’s start with why you were so angry to see me kiss your mother.”

  Once more the boy lowered his gaze to the bedcovers and plucked at them with his fingers. “I was, um, I mean, I thought you were hanging around for me. Well, for Liana and me. But then I figured you weren’t. You know?”

  To her astonishment, Alec smiled at him. “Your feelings were hurt.”

  “I guess,” Matt mumbled.

  “I was hanging around for your sake and Liana’s. I was also trying to support your mom.” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, as if giving himself a moment to frame what he wanted to say. “Matt, you can love more than one person at a time. Your mother didn’t love you any less once Liana was born. You know that, right?”

  Her son’s dark eyes flicked her way. His “I guess” was just audible.

  “No matter what happens between your mother and me, I will always be there for you and your sister. I’ve loved you since the day you were born. You know that, too, don’t you?”

  After a moment, Matt nodded.

  “That has nothing to do with my feelings for your mother. You need to know I thought of her as my brother’s wife and nothing else until after your dad died. But feelings can change. All of us together...” He shrugged. “I wanted us to be a family for real. Tonight, you made it pretty plain that’s not what you want.”

  That brought Matt’s gaze up. “No! I mean, I don’t know. I just...I freaked out.”

  “We noticed,” Alec said drily.

  Julia looked over her shoulder to be sure no one was coming for Matt yet. She didn’t see anyone at all. The E.R. was remarkably quiet—or maybe not so remarkably, since a glance at the wall clock told her it was now after five in the morning. As small as the hospital was, perhaps they were having to wait for someone to come in to do the CT scan.

  “Matt,” she said, past a lump in her throat, “we have to talk about what you heard between your dad and me.”

  Tears rushed into his eyes. Something awful was happening inside him. He started talking, but some of it was incoherent, squeezed out between gulps for air. “Dad...why didn’t he want us? Really want us? Why did he go?”

  “Oh, Mattie.” The childhood nickname slid out, but he didn’t seem to notice.

  Seeing the way she pressed against it, Alec lowered the rail of the bed. Julia sat on the edge and reached for her son, the little boy she hadn’t cuddled in so long. Mixed with her grief was astonishment and joy, because he burrowed into her, his good arm wrapping hard around her waist as he shook with sobs. Her own face wet, she murmured reassurances. “I love you. Oh, Mattie, I love you.”

  Once she lifted her head to see Alec watching them, his eyes near black with emotion. Seeing her face, he sat down, too, and wrapped his arms around both of them. They huddled together while she thought her heart might break from sadness and happiness both.

  “It was me,” Matt said finally, pulling back a little. “After...after I heard you, I asked Dad why he wouldn’t stay with us. He talked about how important what he did was and how you didn’t understand, maybe because you were a woman, but how I’d understand, because I was his son.”

  The horror on his face told her they had finally come to the heart of his misery.

  “And you told him you didn’t,” she whispered.

  “I yelled at him!” He vibrated with remembered anguish. “I said he was never there. That we were important, too. And how he missed most of my baseball games. And he kept on about how someday I’d understand and I said I never would. That I wished he’d go away so I could get a new father! And—” a huge, convulsive sob shook him “—and he did.”

  “Oh, Mattie,” she said again, tightening her embrace until he was crying against her breast. “Your dad didn’t die because of what you said, any more than he did because of what I said. He died because he had a dangerous job and every time he went away for real—” like her, Matt knew the difference between missions and training exercises “—there were people who wanted to kill him.”

  He was listening. What astonished her most was that, for the first time ever, she believed what she’d just said. She was no more responsible for Josh’s death than Matt was.

  Sniffling, Matt rubbed his face against her. “If I blamed you...”

  “You could pretend you didn’t blame y
ourself.” She kissed his tousled head.

  He didn’t say anything.

  The squeak of rubber-soled shoes on the shiny floor gave them all warning. A cheerful young man smiled at them.

  “I’m here to take the young Mr. Raynor for a ride. I’m afraid the rest of you would weigh the bed down a little too much.”

  Alec only laughed as he stood. Embarrassed, wiping her cheeks, Julia gave Matt a last squeeze and stood, Alec’s supporting arm helping her. Matt hastily swiped at his own wet cheeks and snotty nose with an edge of the sheet, making his mother wince.

  The young man only chuckled. He suggested the two adults go get coffee, since this was going to take a while. Matt lay back, and a moment later Alec and Julia were left alone in a room that felt strangely empty with the bed having been wheeled out.

  Alec reached for her hand, his eyes concerned. “Okay?”

  “Yes. I think I really am,” she said in wonder. “Oh, Alec. It wasn’t just me!”

  “No.” He tugged her closer. “It wasn’t you at all. I’d begun to wonder. His reaction was too extreme for it all to be rooted in anger at his mother.”

  “He really was trying to...maybe not die, but punish himself.”

  “Self being the key.”

  She felt dizzy and nearly weightless as she rested her forehead against Alec’s strong shoulder. “Oh, God. I was so scared. And now...”

  “Now there’s hope.” His arms enclosed her securely.

  * * *

  IT WAS A LONG NIGHT.

  They didn’t see Matt again for an hour and a half. Coffee came from a machine; even in a hospital, the cafeteria didn’t open until six. Alec had his wallet but no cash; he was glad when Julia turned out to have plenty in her purse. He’d never needed a cup of coffee more.

  Matt was drowsy by the time he returned, his arm and elbow encased in white plaster and supported by a sling. The doctor reappeared to tell Alec and Julia that the scan had looked fine, but he’d like to keep Matt for twenty-four hours as a precaution. Concussions could be unpredictable, he said.

  This time Matt was transferred to a wheelchair. Alec and Julia walked with him to the second floor of the hospital, where he was settled into a bed. Because another patient was trying to sleep on the other side of the curtain, they couldn’t talk. Julia held Matt’s hand until he fell asleep, and then she and Alec left the hospital.