Backstage

by Mandy Bee

  The next store we went to I felt right at home. He took me to Hobby Lobby to get some cross stitching items. I put my foot down when we went to the check out, I told him I would be buying my own stuff. He tried his best to stop me, but once I told him that if he bought it I would never use it, and that I would only use it if I bought it, he stepped aside and let me check out. He mumbled something under his breath, I know I heard the word stubborn but I just smiled at him.

  As we are carrying the bags on to the bus we see that no one is here. I grab my phone from my pocket and I have no texts from Chris. Where is he? I speed dial him, he answers and I can hear music in the back ground. The others went to get something to eat, they were going to bring us back a pizza so I told him that was fine. He asked what all I bought, I told him about Hobby Lobby and then about Justin buying me clothes. Chris laughed and asked if I hit him. I said no to the hitting but warned him not to freak out when he saw everything. After hanging up with Chris I went to put up my new outfits. I see that Justin had them take all the tags off so I couldn’t add up the total, this better not become a habit.

  “I put your craft stuff in the back room, you need a hand with anything?” He asked as I hung up the last outfit. I let out a big sigh and shake my head. “What’s wrong?”

  “I am grateful for what you bought me today okay? Just promise me you will not make a habit of it. I don’t like you spending this kind of money on me. I’m not the type of girl who wants for things like this. Don’t get me wrong they are beautiful clothes and I know they will look better then my jeans and hoodie during interviews but from now on let me shop and pay for my own stuff at places where I am more comfortable.”

  “I will spend my money on anything I want too, including you. I will not promise not to buy you nice things, sorry this is who I am. But if you want to go to other places to shop then fine, but if we go shopping together again just know that I will be the one paying.” He has a look on his face that says he is dead serious about this. I grunt as he heads to the back room again. I open the curtain to my bunk and there is another gift laying there, wrapped just like my Kindle was only there is no card this time.

  “Justin, really?” I stomp into the back room holding the package, which is kind of heavy.

  “Hold up, I didn’t do that. That is from my parents, it’s their way of apologizing for what John did.”

  “I don’t need them to apologize, send whatever it is back please.” I try to hand it to him but he steps back with his hands up.

  “Sorry but I’m not that dumb, just take it. This is how my family is. Please at least open it.” I sit down and start ripping the paper off.

  “You told them?” I scream at him. I’m holding a brand new Apple MacBook Pro laptop! I hold up the box to show him.

  “I didn’t tell them to buy you one. Look my mom asked about you last night, she wanted to get you something. She asked if you had any hobbies, I told her about your cross stitching. When she asked about getting you a book of patterns I told her that you keep your patterns on Chris’s computer. And yes I told her about yours getting taken but I didn’t think she would buy you a laptop. I had no clue what she got you. One of the roadies texted me while we were out and said a package came from my mom with a note that said the gift was for you. I knew she would have had it wrapped already, so I told him to put it in your bunk.”

  “I can’t keep this, it’s too much. Tell her thanks for me but that there is no way I can keep something like this.” I lay it on the table and cross my arms across my chest.

  “I can’t tell her that! If I have to call her and tell her that you will not accept her gift, you will be the one to explain why.” He has crossed his arms like I have. We are standing there waiting to see who breaks first. When his phone rings he grunts and answers it. I smirk at him and walk back up front, leaving him with the laptop. How in the world could he think I could accept something so over the top?

  I grab a soda and turn on some music. I’m staring out the window listening to Love and Theft’s song ’Angel Eyes’ when he walks up still on the phone and stands in front of me with a big ass grin on his face. He hands me the laptop.

  “Hold on, here she is.” He says into his phone then hands it to me.

  “You didn’t!” I hiss at him covering up the phone. He just smirks at me and sits down. I take a deep breath then hold the phone up to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Flower, this is Rachel, Justin’s mom. How you are sweetheart?” I am evil eyeing him.

  “I’m fine.” Is all I can get out.

  “Justin says that you don’t want to accept the laptop. Is this so?” Shit I’m going to kill him.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to it’s that I can’t. It is just too much, you must see that. I mean I know why you wanted to get it for me but there is no need for that.” I close my eyes and sigh.

  “Honey there is something you need to know. John told us that he did say all those things about you, and it broke my heart. I raised my sons to respect women, and no matter how much a woman made them mad they were never to hit or disrespect them. I know you think that buying you the laptop may be over the top but it is the only way I know how to say how sorry we are. He had no right to bring you into whatever him and Justin were dealing with. I don’t care if you ever use it just please take it, this is not just for me it is for our whole family.” She sounds like she is getting emotional, I just shake my head. I have lost this fight.

  “I understand, I will accept the laptop and I will put it to good use. I’m sorry about how I acted, I’m just not used to people spending money on me. Thank you, and please don’t blame yourself for what John did. I’m trying to make Justin see that it’s not his fault either. I love how close you all are, but no one can change what happened.”

  We talked for a few more minutes then I handed him back the phone. After he said goodbye to his mom, he helped me set up my new way over the top Apple MacBook Pro. I’m in awe of this computer, it is like nothing I have ever seen before. Justin has one just like it so he shows me little tricks on how to get to what I want fast. He helps me transfer all my patterns from Chris’s computer with a flash drive.

  At one point Justin is behind me with his arms on either side of me, typing in a web address and showing me how to use the search on it. This is a lot different then what I’m used too. He has his hands on my shoulders and is resting his chin on my head when the guys walk in, Chris was first in line to see us like this. Crap he has bad timing! Justin jumps up and watches to see what Chris will do, to my relief he just smiles at me.

  “Look what Justin’s mom bought me!” I giggle and pull Chris down into the booth beside me.

  “Oh wow! That’s a new MacBook Pro, why did she get you this?” He looks as puzzled as I did when I first saw it.

  “John admitted to everything that happened, even to what he called me. She wanted to give me this as a way of saying how sorry they were. I tried not to take it, I told Justin to send it back. But the little jerk called her and then handed me the phone.” I look up at Justin, he is still standing behind us.

  “I don’t know what to say, this is way too much, but if you are okay with accepting then I’m happy for you.”Chris smiled at me.

  “I wasn’t okay with it, but after talking to her, and seeing her side of it I didn’t really have a choice. But it is the coolest thing ever.” I start showing him everything. When I open the internet page I tell Justin that I want Yahoo to be my homepage, but I need to know how to set it. With Chris sitting right beside me Justin leans over me and with an arm on either side on me again he starts clicking away. My heart is racing! I glance at Chris and he seems fine, he is watching the screen. When Justin is done he runs his hands up my arms then gives my shoulders a squeeze.

  “So are you ready for tonight?” Chris asked without looking at me.

  “I guess, I still need to pick out what to wear. When do we have to leave?”

  “I want you to see what it is like on stage be
fore anyone gets there, so I would like you to come to sound check. Can you be ready in an hour?” Chris hands me some pizza and another soda.

  “Yeah I guess so. But can I come back to the bus after my part is over? It would help my nerves if I can have some alone time.” This is true, if I can be alone after all that I should be okay by the time they get back here.

  “Only if you let me put a bodyguard outside the door.” Justin answers before Chris can.

  “That’s a good idea.” Chris says nodding at Justin.

  “Fine by me.”

  Getting ready in an hour was harder then I thought. After eating and taking my meds, which I’m still hiding from everyone. I start the task of choosing what to wear. I lay out all six outfits in the back room. Chris asked what the total was for all of them. I told him Justin sent me back to the car before he paid. Neither one of us likes when people spends money on us, so he didn’t like that Justin bought me all these clothes but was happy that I didn’t like it either.

  I finally pick a pink sweater dress, black leggings, and my black ankle boots. My hair is up in a twist. I put on my makeup but did the ‘less is more style‘. A pair of sliver hoop earrings and I’m ready to go. I walk out of the bathroom and Chris is waiting for me. The others have gone to work with Peter on stage. Justin wants him to finish the tour with them but I don’t see it happening.

  “You look so beautiful!” He says making me want to cry. “I can’t believe how grown up you look.” I take his hand and we head to the arena. I may look grown up but I feel like a scared little girl.

  Looking out at all those empty seats makes me want throw up. Tonight there will be thousands of fans staring back at me. I can hear the guys talking to me but I’m not really listening. I’m panicking, I can’t do this! I can’t stand up here and let all those people stare at me, judge me, hate me. Oh God I’m going to be sick. I run off stage and into the closest bathroom. I’m on my knees emptying my stomach for the second time in under a minute when I feel something cold on my neck. I start to let out a scream but then I see Chris.

  “You scared me!” I snap at him.

  “Sorry, are you okay?”

  “I can’t do this Chris, I just can’t. I know I said I would, but I can’t.” I start crying and he pulls me onto his lap, like he used too when I was little. I would get sick, sometimes even cough till I threw up and Chris would put me in his lap and just hold me.

  “Let me see what I can do okay? Are you feeling any better, do you think you’ll throw up again?” He is wiping my face with the cold paper towel.

  “I’ll be okay, I’m just going to sit here for a minute.” I climb off his lap and bring my knees up to my chest, hugging my legs. He lays the cold paper towel on my neck again then I hear him walk out.

  A few minutes later I can hear what sounds like a fight going on. I stand up and straighten my dress, go to the mirror and smooth my hair. All my make up is gone but that’s the least of my worries right now. As I open the bathroom door I see it is Justin and Chris that are yelling at each other. I stand back and listen for a minute.

  “Please just let me go talk to her.” Justin is screaming at Chris.

  “No, I will not let you force her into do this!”

  “I wouldn’t force her to do anything! I just want to talk to her!”

  “Back off, she needs some time to calm down. I’m not letting you in there.” Chris barks at him. I see this is going no where so I decide to end it.

  “Will you two shut up!” I scream at both of them.

  “Flower, I’m so sorry I didn’t think this would happen.” Justin tries to come over to me but Chris steps in front of him.

  “I had a panic attack and got sick from it. This is no ones fault. So you two need to grow up and stop all the yelling.” I hiss at them and start walking to the dressing rooms.

  There are four dressing rooms in this arena, they have put names on the doors. Justin has his own, one is for Peter and Chris, another is for Dave and Scot, and the last one has been set up as a snack room. I head for the snack room, I need a nice cold bottle of water. When I open the door Dave is the only one in here, I ask him to hand me the coldest bottle of water he can find.

  “You okay? I know you got sick.” He asks handing me my water.

  “I’m fine, just a panic attack.” I flop into one of the metal chairs at the table.

  “Are you still going to try and go on stage tonight?” This is the most he has talked to me since I’ve been here.

  “I don’t know, if Justin and Chris don’t stop yelling at each other over me I won’t!” I grunt and lay my head down.

  “Chris is protecting his sister, Justin is protecting his woman.” My head is back up and I’m evil eyeing Dave.

  “I’m not his woman. We are just friends.” I hiss at him.

  “Say what you want, but I have never seen him act like this, ever. And I’ve known him since he was twelve.”

  I just shake my head. I can tell I’m not going to win this fight so I decide to change the subject. “Dave, how do you guys do it? How do you stand on that stage in front of all those people? I’m not brave enough, I know I’ll mess up or I’ll get sick right there in front of everyone.” He comes and sits in the chair beside me.

  “Want to hear what happened my first time playing for a sold out house?” He asked and I just nod. “I put my guitar on backwards, then I knocked over all my picks, and the topper was when I started playing the wrong song and messed up everything. We had to stop the whole show so I could restart the song. The guys understood, I used to have panic attacks too. At least you won’t have to do this every night, they just need you to do it once.” He pats my shoulder then gets me another bottle of water.

  “There you are!” Chris screams as he walks into the room.

  “Think about it.” Dave says to me “She’s shaken up but she’ll be okay” He tells Chris then leaves.

  “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Chris comes and stands beside me.

  “No, I’m not okay. I’m scared shitless Chris! I want to do this for you, for the band, but I freaked out! I saw all those empty seats and knew that thousands of people would be staring at me tonight. I just freaked! Then my panic attack started, and that’s when I got sick.”

  “I’m not going to make you do this, and I’m not going to let anyone try to make you do this.” He growls.

  “If you are talking about Justin then I am going to kick your ass! He wouldn’t make me do anything, he saw how sick I got, everyone did! I don’t know why you two were fighting but you both better knock it off!” I stand up and throw my empty water bottle at the wall.

  “Chris we need you on stage” Scot yells from the door, looking at me like I have lost my mind. Well maybe I have!

  “Just rest, I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He grunts and walks out.

  Great now I’ve pissed Chris off! I’m so ready to scream! It’s his damn fault that I’m here in the first place! I wouldn’t be here stressing out if he didn’t bring us on this damn tour. I wouldn’t have had a jerk call me names and try to ship me off. I wouldn’t have had my picture sold to the papers. I wouldn’t have met the only person other then Chris that wants to be friends with me, I wouldn’t have met Justin. I wouldn’t be wearing these beautiful clothes. I wouldn’t have a Kindle or MacBook Pro. I wouldn’t look forward to watching The Golden Girls every night, and I wouldn’t know what it feels like to laugh so much, or to be hugged as much as I have. I hate this tour but I love this tour. Chris finally finds a permanent gig, gets to join a band full time and now all this has to happen.

  I don’t want to be in the limelight, it’s not for me, but can I really let all this fighting go on because of me? No. I have to suck it up and do what needs to be done. I won’t do everything they ask, some things I will need to put my foot down on but going on stage for five minutes I will give them that. I jump up and head back to the stage. I can hear Justin singing their latest number one hit ‘Can I?’ I am still not a
fan of their music but its growing on me. When I walk out on stage everyone stops and looks at me.

  “Well where do I have to stand?” I ask and look at Chris who is beaming from behind the drum cage.

  “You’ll do it?” Justin asks looking like he has won the jackpot.

  “Yes I’ll do it, but if I get sick on stage I’m telling everyone that you made dinner and gave me food poisoning!” Everyone dies laughing. This is going to be hard but I’ve got my brother, Justin and the band, maybe this is a family.

  The crowd is screaming, I can’t understand anything they are saying, but they are screaming ear bleedingly loud. I’m standing by the stage, it’s almost time for me to come out. I’m watching Justin, he is singing and moving all over the stage. You can see he is in heaven when he is on stage, I can’t help but smile as I watch him. Then the song ends and my heart stops, this is it.

  “Okay we have a surprise for everyone tonight!” Justin screams into the mic. “As most of you know John, my brother, is no longer with the band.” You can hear the pain in his voice, the crowd boo’s at the sound of John’s name. “But we are lucky to have Peter as our fill in, lets give Peter a real Freak Street welcome!” The crowd get louder, oh shit we’re next. “But we have even better news for our fans, we have a new drummer who as been welcomed into our Freak Street family!” And once again the crowd screams, I see Chris get up and walk down the stage, I’m next. “When we welcomed Chris into our family we also welcomed his lovely sister Flower, and she is here with us tonight. Do you guys want to meet Flower?” The crowd roars, I was hoping for a no. I see Justin come towards me, he reaches out his hand and I take it, all I can do is nod my head. “Here is the beautiful Flower everyone.”

  I go and stand by Chris who pulls me into a sweaty hug. Justin hands Chris the mic then comes and stand beside me. “I want to thank everyone for their warm welcome, I feel very blessed to have been asked to join Freak Street. I hope to make y’all proud!” I wince when the crowd screams again, its much louder on stage. Justin takes the mic back but doesn’t let us move.