Out Bad

by Janice M. Whiteaker

  “You and I both know that’s not why you haven’t called him back.” Gabbi sighed and rubbed her temples. “I need some coffee.” She grabbed Gwen’s mug off the table and headed into the kitchen.

  “I’m going to make us each some spiked coffee,” Gabbi grabbed the bottle of Irish cream out of the cabinet and set it down beside the coffee maker, “and then we are going to talk about some shit. Like I’ve heard normal people do.”

  She splashed more than a little liquor into Gwen’s mug after dumping out the old coffee and giving the cup a quick rinse. “And for future reference, if you’re going to try to fib you probably shouldn’t start out by telling me I was right, since we both know that will always be a lie.”

  Gabbi stopped, squinting up the front hall. "You expecting someone?"

  Gwen’s heart started to pound in her chest. "No."

  Gabbi looked at Gwen, then back at the door. “Gwennie, I hate to tell you this, but I think a certain man we both know doesn’t want to be ignored.”

  Gwen stared at Gabbi from the couch, an odd feeling growing in the pit of her stomach, keeping the rising panic company.

  “I have to let him in.” Gabbi looked torn. “Do you want me to stay?”

  Gwen took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’ll be fine.”

  The worry didn’t leave Gabbi’s face making it clear she didn’t believe her. And why should she? Gwen had been more of a run away from her problems kind of girl up to this point.

  Gwen closed her eyes and focused on breathing as she listened to Gabbi’s footsteps up the front hall to the door.

  “Hey Joe.”

  “Gwennie, I’ll call you.” Gabbi’s voice echoed through the silent house. Even then it was hard to hear over the blood rushing through her ears.

  The front door quietly clicked shut. She waited for the sound of heavy boots across the floor.

  Slow steps started, coming closer, her stomach flipping with each one. She wanted to hide. A part of her wanted to go back. For everything to go back the way it was before that night in the bar. Before she knew Joe Parker existed.

  She closed her eyes as his steps came closer, fighting back the tears that started when she considered never knowing Joe. How was she going to tell him goodbye?

  The steps stopped. She knew he was in front of her. She could feel his eyes on her, watching her silently, waiting until she was ready. She took a deep breath and slowly opened her eyes.

  “What’s wrong Gwen?” His voice was so deep, so soft. Like he was talking to a child being careful not to upset them.

  “Nothing.” Her voice was barely a whisper as she tried to remain in control, keep it together.

  All she had to do was tell him she was sorry, but this wasn’t going to work. Then everything would go back the way it was and she would be fine.

  Except for the part where she would never see Joe again.

  “This doesn’t look like nothing to me.”

  His eyes were dark, almost black, as they stayed fixed on hers. His hair was down, loose and wavy around his shoulders. A fitted gray t-shirt cut just above his biceps showed off his toned arms and the large number of tattoos covering one, reminding her why she could never be with him.

  “What’s wrong Gwen?” His voice was firmer this time.

  She cleared her throat and swallowed hard trying to work up a convincing sounding argument. “Like I just told Gabbi. Everything is fine.”

  “Okay. Let’s try a different question.” He crossed his arms over his broad chest.

  She closed her eyes, needing to shut him out even if it was just for a second, to clear her mind.

  “Why haven’t you returned my calls?”

  “You were right. You and I want different things.” Yes. Different things.

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes.”

  “What is it you think I want?”

  “A relationship.”

  “That’s right. What do you want Gwen?”

  Her throat began to ache as she held back the same tears she’d held back time and time again. “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t think that’s true.”

  A defiant tear rolled down her cheek. “I can’t do this.”

  She was not the kind of woman who fell to pieces and cried all over the place. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to force the collecting tears back into her ducts and to wherever they came from.

  “I think you know what you want, but you don’t want to admit it.” He uncrossed his arms and rested his hands on his hips. “And I think that's because you’re scared.”

  Finally a feeling other than sadness made its way through her and she jumped on it hoping it could carry her through the rest of this conversation.

  Standing up from the couch, she pointed her finger into the middle of his chest. “And it’s your fault!”

  A smile spread across his face, only infuriating her more.

  “This isn’t funny.” She used her finger to poke him in the chest.

  The sound of his laughter made her want to punch him right in his handsome face. He wiped a tear from his eye. Yeah. She needed to punch him. Just as she curled back her right fist, he grabbed her and pulled her hard against his chest, leaning his face close to hers. “You’re something special, you know that?”

  Fifteen

  “Stop laughing.” Gwen pushed hard against his chest. She was a strong woman, in more ways than one. That only made him want to hold on to her tighter.

  “I can do that.” He gripped her tighter, pulling her up on her tip toes. She wasn’t as tall without her big girl shoes so he had to bring her mouth up to his. A gasp proved he’d caught her by surprise. He wasn’t sure if she would let him keep kissing her or if he was going to end up getting his tongue bit, but the feel of her lips against his would be worth the injury. All he’d thought about since watching her walk out of Heath and Gabbi’s was if he would ever get to feel her against him again. Have her taste in his mouth. Hold her tightly in his arms.

  He decided one way or another, he would.

  Her body softened almost immediately, molding against his. Her arms snaked around his neck, squeezing him tightly against her as she deepened the kiss, sweeping her tongue into his mouth.

  He held her firmly with one arm around her waist and slid the other hand up her back to wrap his fingers in the soft strands of her hair. She kissed him like he had never been kissed before, full of emotions he couldn’t even begin to identify. Like she was drowning, clinging to him hoping he could save her.

  But as much as he was enjoying finally having her in his arms again, they needed to talk. Now.

  Slowly, he loosened his grip, letting her slide down his body, until her feet were firmly on the floor. He kept his hand on the back of her head and tugged her hair gently to bring her eyes to his. “We need to talk.”

  She nodded her head. Her eyes darted to the kitchen. “Want some coffee?”

  She was stalling and he decided to let her. He wasn’t in a hurry to disclose his darker secrets. “Sure.”

  He watched as she went to the kitchen. The woman looked just as sexy in a pair of stretchy pants as she did in those skin tight jeans she wore the first night he met her.

  The sound of coffee hitting a cup was quickly followed by the rich smell of dark roasted beans and—

  “Is that Bailey’s?”

  Gwen looked at him, her coffee cup suspended in the air at her lips. “Want some?”

  “Yeah.”

  She handed him a cup as she passed him to go sit on the couch.

  He followed, taking a sip of what tasted mostly like alcohol and sat beside Gwen on the couch. He waited, hoping she might initiate the conversation, but she just sat quietly, holding her coffee in her lap as she stared across the room, as if in her own world. He was going to have to get this conversation going, but he had no idea where to even start. He would just have to wing it.

  “Why didn’t you call me back?” He watched her, hoping she
would give something away, give him something to guess at what was going on inside her head, but she didn’t move. Maybe she hadn’t heard him. He opened his mouth to repeat the question when she finally spoke softly, her voice barely a whisper.

  “I wanted you to just go away.”

  “Why?”

  After more than a few minutes of anxious silence, she finally took a deep breath. “I was engaged a long time ago.”

  Jealousy and anger flooded him in a way that caught him by surprise. Knowing another man almost had what he was beginning to consider his, made his skin burn. But she wasn’t married to that man and probably remained single ever since which meant that he hurt her terribly.

  Joe had fought many times in his life. More times that he could count. Never before had he wanted to hurt a man like he did the ass that devastated the woman beside him. He had broken her and now Joe wanted to break him.

  “And then he died.”

  ****

  Joe looked like she could blow him over. The color drained from his face and his mouth was hanging open in shock. Obviously this was not what he was expecting to hear.

  Welcome to my world.

  This was a conversation she had avoided for years. Years. But whether it was the release or the company, now that she started it, Gwen found it difficult to stop.

  “We met while I was still in college. He came into the restaurant where I was a waitress every day for lunch. When I graduated, I took over the business end of the bike shop he owned.”

  Gwen swallowed hard. “One day I got a call that he’d wrecked on his bike. I guess he swerved to miss an animal and he was thrown off. He died instantly.”

  She took a deep breath. She had never spoken about what happened. With anyone. Not her sister. Not her parents. No one. She had just packed up the day after Jason’s funeral and left. Walked away from anything that could remind her of all she’d lost that day.

  That made it even more surprising how good it felt to finally talk about it. About him. And with the only other man who was able to make her feel the way Jason made her feel.

  “I loved him so much. Being with him was always so easy.” She fingered the fine fringe edging the blanket that hung over the arm of her couch. “Losing him was…” She shook her head as she tried to keep her tears at bay for a little longer.

  She turned back to Joe. The color was back in his face. Now his dark eyebrows were drawn together, the fine lines across his brow deepened.

  “I don’t want to go through that again.” Her voice wavered for the first time since she started explaining. She blinked hard

  She felt the sob before it seized her body. The pain of it as it forced its way through her felt like a knife slicing her in two. Her hands flew to her mouth, trying to keep it in, stop the pain from escaping. It was too much. It had always been too much. More than she was able to handle. A pain so deep she had never been able to bear it. So she didn’t.

  In the years since Jason died, she never grieved. She worried if she allowed herself to start, the pain of the loss would never end. Just the thought of all she lost was overwhelming, incomprehensible. Every plan she had for her life died with him that day. Accepting and dealing with the loss of him, meant also realizing the loss of the marriage she would never have, the children they would never share, the end of most of her life as well.

  She wanted to stuff the aching pain that consumed her body back down deep inside, protecting herself from the hell it unleashed. But she couldn’t. She fought it for so long and she was so very tired. Tired of hiding. Tired of avoiding anything or anywhere that might trigger a memory and risk unleashing the beast. The beast that was tearing her apart now.

  Through the haze of tears and sadness, she felt Joe’s arms holding her tightly. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she cried against his chest, unable to stop even if she wanted to.

  She cried for what seemed like hours. Long enough that by the time she ran out of tears, the evening sun dipped out of sight leaving the room draped in heavy shadows.

  The calloused pads of his fingers scraped in a wonderful way against her forehead as he brushed the hair clinging to her skin. “Just breathe.” His voice was so soft, his touch so tender. Such a contrast to the huge almost imposing figure he cut. She tipped her head back against his shoulder and looked up at his face.

  His dark gaze searched hers. The intensity in his eyes when he looked at her made it seem as if, at least for this moment, the entirety of his focus was pinpointed. On her. The almost black depths held her mesmerized, barely able to discern where his pupil ended and iris began.

  “Everything is going to be okay Gwen. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “There are people who want to hurt you. Maybe even -”, she couldn’t say it.

  “I should have told you everything from the beginning.” Joe sighed and pulled her further onto his lap, tucking her under his chin as he leaned back into the couch. “I was in a--”

  “Stop.” Gwen softly stroked his arm so he would know she wasn’t upset with him or his past. “I don’t think I can handle hearing this right now.” She tucked her face into his neck and snuggled deeper into his lap. Right now, she just wanted to be close to him. Feel close to him. Not worry about who might be trying to rip him away from her.

  “Tell me something else. Tell me about your parents.”

  Gwen felt his body tense up. She leaned back to look at him. If she had any tears left, the look of sadness on his face would have drug them from her eyes.

  “That’s not any happier of a story.” His voice was flat and hard, the lines of pain etched into his face obvious in the darkness.

  Gwen rested a palm on each side of his face. His skin was warm under her palms. “Are there any happy stories?”

  She felt him smile. “I think they’re coming.”

  She almost walked away. From a man who just wanted to be happy. Maybe even for the first time in his life. All because she was scared something would happen to him. She was too afraid of losing him to risk being with him.

  That made less than no sense. Especially now.

  “Stay the night with me.” Gwen held her breath. The words had fallen out so quickly she couldn’t stop them. Not that she would have. She wanted Joe. In more ways than she was even ready for, but that was a different problem for a different day.

  Joe reached up and brushed his thumb across her lips. “No.”

  As awful as it was the first time Joe turned her down, this time was almost worse. She needed to be with him. Needed to feel his body on her, around her, in her.

  “Sweetheart as much as I would love to, I would have a real hard time looking at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning.”

  Damn it.

  Gwen snuggled down, nuzzling into his neck. She nipped at the skin behind his ear, smiling as his body twitched under her behind. “Maybe I could try to persuade you.”

  “You could try,” his voice caught as she nibbled his earlobe between her teeth, “but then I would have to leave.”

  ****

  Gwen twisted her hair up off her sticky neck and opened her personal laptop. The building’s air was out and almost everyone in the office chose to work from home today. She’d missed the memo and rushed in to make sure everything was where she expected it to be after her little two day mental vacation.

  She came in to find a sweltering, empty office. And everything handled perfectly. Thanks to Richard.

  She looked at the clock. It was only 10:00. Normally she was running around the office, checking to make sure things were running smoothly and wondering where the day went.

  Now, she was sitting in her eighty degree office bored and realizing she might be kind of a pain in the ass to work for.

  So, she surfed the internet for a little while, ordering the girls matching princess costumes and herself a very low cut wrap maxi dress. If Joe was going to insist on taking things slow, the least she could do was make it excruciating for him.

  She tapp
ed her fingertips on her desk as she considered just how much cyber stalking was too much. At what point did mere curiosity jump off the cliff and land on the crazy train?

  She’d already paid for a freaking background check, so staring at a satellite map of Joe’s house was technically a step back, right?

  Close enough.

  She entered Joe’s address and squinted at the screen. He was right. He lived pretty far out. His roof was the only one that showed up on the screen. If she scooted the frame to the right or left she could find a few more houses spread out over what looked like mostly woods and fields.

  She clicked on the street view, figuring there wouldn’t be a picture available. To her surprise, there was. It was a little blurry, and blocked by a couple of fir trees, but she could still see the two-story, white, wood-sided farmhouse.

  She touched the screen. That was the house Joe bought to raise his kids in.

  Maybe her kids in.

  Gwen blinked as tears ran down her cheeks. She almost thought that children, a husband, those were things that had passed her by. Lost to her forever.

  She wiped at her cheeks and tugged a tissue free from the box on her desk. Was it wrong to still be sad? When Jason died, it felt like a double loss. Him along with the children they planned to have one day soon. Children who already had names and whole lives planned out for them.

  Gwen swallowed a sob as she opened a new search window. She needed help.

  Therapists.

  She typed the word into her search engine and stared at it a minute. What if she had gone to see someone years ago? Where would she be now? Would she be married? Would she have children? Maybe, but it wouldn’t be with Joe.

  That was a life she couldn’t even begin to imagine. Joe had been the only person who she’d felt comfortable enough to talk about the loss of Jason with. One of the few people to see right through her. He was the only man she could picture in her future.

  But having a future with him meant dealing with her past.

  She hit enter and scrolled down the list of names. She clicked on a few and scanned their websites and credentials. About twenty entries into the list she saw a familiar name.