Out Bad

by Janice M. Whiteaker

  Jarod Harvel LPC.

  She’d gone to school with him. He was a nice enough guy, but that wasn’t what made her pause.

  Jarod lost his wife in a car accident.

  She picked up her cell and punched in the numbers under his name. Hopefully he would be okay seeing her considering their shared circumstances.

  Sixteen

  “Are you sure?”

  Heath shrugged. “I mean, you can’t ever be completely sure with these guys, but it sounds like what we were hearing was more rumor than anything.”

  Joe leaned back in his chair. He looked at the pictures of Gabbi and the girls pinned to the blue fabric walls of Heath’s cubicle. “I can’t do anything that might put you guys in danger.” The thought of those girls being scared or hurt because of him made Joe sick to his stomach.

  Heath shook his head. “I don’t think it’s us you would have to worry about anyway. The Sixes aren’t going to want to risk messing with the wife or kids of a cop.”

  “Do you want me to stay away from Gwen?” Joe held his breath. If Heath told him to, he would. It wouldn’t be easy and he sure as hell wouldn’t be happy about it, but he would do anything if it kept Gwen safe.

  Heath raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know that it would matter.” He chuckled and shook his head. “You might stay away from her, but I don’t know that she would be willing to return the favor.”

  Joe couldn’t help the grin that tugged at his mouth. “She’s something, isn’t she?”

  Heath laughed out loud. “Oh, she’s something alright.” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “I think right now, we just need to keep our ears to the wall. I don’t get the feeling there was ever any real threat, just a couple drunks acting meaner than they are.”

  Joe stared at the floor as he remembered holding Gwen in his arms while she cried. This whole thing is what started it, reminding her of one of the hardest times of her life.

  “Is it always going to be like this?” Having this hanging over his head was one thing, but now he knew what the constant worry could do to Gwen.

  Heath shrugged. “I don’t know. I hope not. Hopefully, the Sixes get a new president and everyone forgets all about you.”

  Joe nodded. He’d moved across state lines, kept to himself, done his best to move on and make-up for all the years he spent living the wrong way, but it kept coming back to bite him.

  “What’s going on with you and Gwen? You know Gabbi’s been driving me crazy about it.”

  Joe gave him a grin. “That woman drives you crazy always.”

  Heath blew out a long breath. “Ain’t that the truth.”

  “And you love it.” Joe stood up to leave.

  Heath gave him a devilish smile. “Better watch it. You’re well on your way to being in the same boat as me. I’ve got money says Gwen’ll put her sister to shame.”

  Another cop poked his head into Heath’s cubicle. “You talking about that hot ass sister-in-law of yours?” He stepped fully into view. “When you gonna hook me up with her?”

  The cop beside him couldn’t be over thirty. He still had baby fat around his cheeks. The kid wiggled his eyebrows at Heath. “You know I’m a nice guy. I’d treat her good.” He elbowed Joe. “Real good. Ya know what I mean?”

  Heath looked from the rookie cop to Joe and back again before he busted out laughing. He pointed out the opening of the padded dividers. “If I were you, I’d be trying to put as much space between myself and Gwen’s boyfriend as I could.”

  Babyface slowly turned his head toward Joe who resisted the urge to straighten up to his full six foot two inch frame. No reason to scare the kid. Especially in front of Heath.

  “Man, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was--”

  Joe held up his hand, cutting him off. “I get it. But for future reference, I wouldn’t tell a man how good I’m going to be to his wife’s sister.”

  “Please don’t.” Heath held up his hands. “I don’t want to know.”

  “Nope. You’re right.” The young cop started backing out of the cubicle.

  Joe stuck out his hand. “I’m Heath’s friend Joe Parker. No hard feelings. Gwen’s one hell of a catch. I’d worry if you didn’t want to take her out.”

  The cop looked at Joe’s hand, then back at his face before finally taking the handshake. “Thanks man. I’m Randy. Randy Quiad.”

  Joe squinted at the kid. “Did you say Randy Quaid.”

  Randy sighed. “My dad really liked those vacation movies. You know, ‘shitter’s full’, that guy?”

  Joe dropped Randy’s hand. “Your parents named you after Cousin Eddy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Tough break.”

  “That’s why I wanted to be a cop. So nobody would give me shit anymore.”

  Joe turned to look at Heath knowing damn well how that went for the kid.

  Heath put his hands up defensively. “I can’t help it.” He pointed at Randy. “He’s Randy fuckin’ Quaid.”

  Joe turned back to the kid. “Well, at least most people can’t give you shit.”

  Randy shrugged.

  Joe patted him on the back as he walked behind him and out of the cubicle. “I’m heading out Heath. Call me.” He looked at Randy. “It was nice to meet you Officer Quaid.”

  “You too.”

  Joe waved over his shoulder as he headed out of the precinct offices. It still felt odd to be a welcome visitor in a place like this. If someone told him ten years ago his best friend in the world would be a cop, he would have laughed them right out on their ass.

  Now he might have two cop friends.

  Joe jumped in his work van. Under different circumstances he would be on his bike, but it didn’t seem like a good idea, especially after the run in he and Heath had last week. The Sixes were a Texas based club. There was no good reason for them to be in Alabama. Technically, there was no good reason for them to be anywhere.

  Joe started the van and dialed Gwen’s number. It was after five on a Friday and he was really hoping she would leave work at a reasonable hour. He wanted to see her. Wanted to hold her while they watched a movie on her couch and ate take-out.

  As he waited for the phone to connect, he realized he’d never taken Gwen out. He cringed. Gwen was different than any other woman he’d ever known, even Gabbi, and it threw him off his game. Or maybe he just wanted to keep her all to himself. Either way, he was not doing a very good job at courting a woman he very much wanted to be his.

  He was going to have to step it up. A lot.

  Her phone went straight to voicemail. She was still at work. Damn. “Hey Gwen, I was thinking maybe we could go out tonight. Maybe a nice dinner. Call me.”

  He put the van in drive and directed it to the closest florist he knew. He was asking a lot of Gwen and it was time to show her how much he appreciated her being in his life, and maybe convince her to take up permanent residence.

  ****

  Gwen uncrossed and re-crossed her legs, shifting on the leather two-seater couch.

  “How life been Gwen?”

  She cleared her throat. She’d expected to sit down and start pouring her heart out. It was long overdue and she was ready. More than ready, but she was struggling with where and how to even start.

  “Um, good.”

  Jarod sat silently across from her in a wingback chair, legs crossed, his ankle resting on his knee.

  “Fine.” She chewed her lip.

  “Hard.”

  Jarod nodded. “I heard about Jason.”

  Gwen bit her lip harder and nodded back. She didn’t want to sit and cry through this whole hour. She had things she needed to work out and it was going to be nearly impossible if she bawled the whole time.

  “What do you do for work?”

  Gwen let out a breath in relief. Work was easy. She could talk about her work in her sleep. Probably did.

  “I’m in finance. Restructuring mostly.”

  Jarod folded hi
s hands in his lap. “You like it?”

  Gwen shrugged. “It keeps me busy. It pays well.”

  “But do you like it?”

  Gwen cocked her head at him. “Should I?”

  Jarod gave her a little shrug. “I guess that depends on what you want out of life.”

  “I just want to be happy.”

  “Are you happy?” Jarod’s voice was quiet and calm, making that very difficult question a little easier to consider.

  Gwen thought about her nieces, and her sister and Heath… and Joe. “Yes.” She swallowed. “And no.”

  She swiped at the corner of her eye, catching the tiny tear before it had the chance to collect and escape. “I’m just tired.”

  “Physically?”

  She nodded.

  “What about emotionally?”

  She nodded again, trying to breathe deep through the tightness building in her throat.

  “Let’s start with why you're physically tired.”

  This guy was good. Gwen relaxed a little. “Okay.”

  “Do you work too much?”

  “Probably.” She rubbed the hem of her skirt between her fingers as she thought about his question. “Yes.”

  “Do they ask that of you?”

  “No, it’s just really busy and I’m in charge of a lot of different accounts. Making sure things are done correctly takes a lot.” Gwen took a drink of the water Jarod gave her before they started. Her throat was still so tight it was difficult to swallow.

  “Do you have people that help you?”

  “Oh, I have a whole team.”

  Jarod furrowed his brow. “Are they good employees?”

  “Yeah, they work really hard for me.”

  Jarod raised his eyebrows. “So why do you have to work so hard to make sure things are done correctly?”

  Gwen tapped her fingertips on her knee as she tried to come up with an explanation. “I just want to be sure everything’s okay.”

  “So you micromanage?”

  Gwen scoffed. “No.” She shook her head. He didn’t understand. “I just want to be sure things are done right.”

  “But you just said your staff was competent. More than.” He shrugged one hand. “Why do you have to watch everything they do if they are capable of doing their jobs?”

  Gwen crossed her arms and flopped back against the couch. If he was insinuating she was not good at her job, this might be her first and last time sitting across from Jarod Har—

  I think you need to feel like you have some control over your life and that is one way to accomplish it.”

  Gwen’s jaw went slack as she stared at him. “Is wanting to have your life under control a bad thing?”

  “Not to a certain point, but I think you’re past that point.” Jarod looked at her for a minute before taking a deep breath. “Gwen, when you lose something very important because of circumstances out of your control, sometimes you try to control everything. It makes you feel like then it can’t happen again.”

  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I did the same thing when I lost Betsy. I became compulsive. I cleaned my house non-stop. I started exercising every day. I needed to feel like I had power over my life. But the hard truth is, bad things can happen again, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

  Gwen felt a tear trickle down her cheek. “So what am I supposed to do?”

  Jarod stood up, walked over to his desk and grabbed a frame, handing it to Gwen.

  A smiling Jarod looked out at her from the picture. He held a baby girl in his arms as a beautiful brunette beamed beside him.

  “You go on.” He sat back down. “Some days are easier than others, but the hard days become fewer and fewer.”

  Gwen stared at the picture, more tears trickling down her cheeks.

  Jarod scooted to the edge of his chair and rested his hand on her knee. “Gwen you and I have been given a gift. Something most people will never have.”

  She scoffed. “What’s that?”

  “Appreciation. The understanding that every moment is precious.”

  Gwen wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. She held out the picture with her other hand. “Your wife and baby are beautiful.”

  Jarod took the photo and set it on his knees. “Thank you.”

  Gwen stared at the floor. Finally, she looked up and found Jarod was still sitting, very patiently, waiting.

  “Do you feel guilty?” She held her breath, hoping her question hadn’t crossed the line.

  He nodded his head. “Sometimes.”

  “Then what?” Her voice was barely a whisper as she tried to squeeze out the words.

  “Then I think about what I would have wanted if the tables were turned.”

  Gwen straightened up.

  If she was the one who died, what would she have wanted for Jason? Would she want him to be living like she was? Working his ass off, going home to an empty house, too sad to do anything else.

  No. Never.

  She would want him to be holding a picture of his happy wife and beautiful baby. She would want him to be happy.

  Jarod tucked a tissue into her hand, and she realized tears were streaming down her face. “Thank you.” She blotted her heated skin. “I’m sorry. I don’t usually cry like this.”

  “Then you’re long overdue.”

  Gwen laughed out loud. “I think you’re right.”

  “Do you want to come back next week?”

  Gwen looked at her watch. “Holy cow Jarod. It’s after eight.” She jumped up from the couch. “I am so sorry. You should have told me.” She grabbed her purse and fished out her wallet. “I didn’t mean to ruin your Friday night.”

  He put his hands up as he followed her into the small lobby of his office. “My Friday nights consist of diapers and puke now, so you didn’t interrupt any exciting plans.”

  She handed him her credit card. “Fun times.”

  He winked at her. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

  Seventeen

  Gwen sat in the end of the driveway seriously second guessing herself.

  She stared up at the white farmhouse that sat to the right of the gravel drive. Maybe he wasn’t even home. She should have called, but after talking with Jarod last night and hearing Joe’s voice on her voicemail, she’d wanted to drive straight to his house. But that would've been a bad idea and maybe a little crazy. She needed time to relax and prepare for what she came to hear today.

  She slowly eased her car along the rough rocky surface, taking in everything as she went. The house looked different than in the blurry satellite photo. The trees were trimmed back revealing a porch with pretty railing that dressed up the plain exterior just a bit. She imagined many years ago, farmers and their families sitting in rocking chairs on that same porch as the summer sun set.

  Gwen rolled down her window letting the humid air flood the car. Taking a deep breath she let the smell of grass and rain fill her lungs.

  It was amazing how different it could smell here. It wasn’t like she was out in the middle of nowhere. It was only maybe a fifteen minute drive to a grocery store, but it felt, and smelled like she was out in the country. It was beautiful.

  The barn Joe told her about came into view as she reached the back of the house.

  So did his van.

  Her stomach clenched. She was ready for this. It was time to take back her life and this was an important step in facing her fears.

  Parking her car beside the van, she jumped out before she changed her mind. She marched up the back steps and onto the small covered porch at the back door. She stopped. He obviously came and went through this door, but should she go to the front?

  Hell, at this point it didn't matter. She was showing up at his home unannounced on a Saturday afternoon. Using the wrong door would be the least of her offenses.

  Knocking quickly, she turned around, putting her back to the door, trying to catch her breath. She stopped breathing anyway as she heard heavy
footsteps approaching the door.

  The steps stopped and she could hear soft clicking as the door slowly opened behind her.

  “Gwen?”

  His voice was low and quiet making the hairs on the back of her neck prick. Goosebumps broke out over her skin, even as she could feel a flush creeping up her neck. She turned quickly, hoping he wouldn’t decide she was crazy. Even if she was pretty sure it was true.

  He stood in the doorway, shirtless, one arm braced against the door jamb beside his head. She had worked a whole conversation out in her mind on the way here and every freaking word was escaping her now. All she could seem to focus on was how very wrong her assumptions about Joe had been.

  She had expected a nice body, but this was…

  This was…

  Um…

  This was like nothing she’d ever been lucky enough to see before.

  He had tattoos. Lots of them. And she wanted to inspect each and every one of them. With her fingers. Maybe her tongue.

  “Sweetheart, is everything okay?” He probably had a concerned look on his face, but for the life of her, she couldn’t seem to rip her eyes away from the width of his chest.

  That wasn’t entirely true.

  She managed to drop her gaze to his stomach. This body was more than a physical labor kind of body. This was the body of a man who worked out. A lot.

  Seconds ticked by.

  She needed to say something.

  She blinked her eyes hard, trying to break through the sludge her brain had turned to at the sight of his body.

  “Um, what?” That wasn’t what she meant to say. She meant to say… something else.

  “Are you okay?” This time she could hear concern in his voice. She closed her eyes.

  “Yes. I mean, no.”

  That was it. She opened her eyes, careful to keep them planted directly on his face. “I missed your call.”

  That didn’t come out right.

  “I mean,” she took a deep breath and shook her head trying to get her brain to catch up with her mouth, “I’m sorry I missed your call last night. I was in a meeting.” That was a little better. Coherent at least.

  Joe raised his eyebrows. “How late did you work?”