Diary of a Mad Brownie

by Bruce Coville

  Destiny giggled.

  “What is that thing?” cried Bennett.

  Well, that set me off. Leaping near a foot into the air, I shouted, “I am nae a ‘thing’! I am a brownie, a brownie fierce and proud, you great lumbering penner of putrid poetry.”

  I was on the edge of a real fit, but Alex put a finger on my shoulder and whispered, “Careful, Angus.”

  I pulled myself back. Once I did, I felt right ashamed. The poetry was my fault, not Bennett’s, so it was cruel to taunt him for it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didna mean to say all that. But ’twas not nice to call me a thing. I’m a brownie, as I said. Not only that, I’m the brownie attached to your family.”

  Bennett was smacking the base of his palm against his head. Looking at Alex, he said, “Isn’t that the doll I picked up in your room a week or so ago?”

  “Well, he was pretending to be a doll. He’s taking a big risk by letting you see him now, Ben, since it’s against brownie rules. But we’ve got a huge problem, and we need to work together to solve it.”

  “If you mean the problem of Dad quitting his job, what are we supposed to do about it?” he said, picking up his chair.

  He resumed his seat, never taking his eyes from me as he moved. I was not sure whether he feared I was going to disappear or thought I might attack him.

  His question brought us to the uncomfortable point, because now I had to explain about the curse. As I talked, I could see the boy getting angrier and angrier. Worse, I could hardly blame him.

  “It’s not his fault, Ben,” Alex put in. “The whole thing goes back to some ancestor of ours. Angus is trapped in it just like you and Dad.”

  “I repeat: what are we supposed to do about it?”

  Alex and I had prepared for this. I had the curse with me, and I handed it to him. When it started to expand in his hand, he started back but managed not to fall over again.

  “Read it,” said Alex.

  “Read it aloud!” demanded Destiny. “I want to hear it, too.”

  He did as she asked. It was the first time I had heard the queen’s words spoken aloud, and they chilled me anew.

  When Bennett was done, he said, “I don’t understand. To begin with, we’re Carharts, not McGonagalls.”

  “Yer of the line,” I said. “Descendants of Ewan’s first cousin, actually. It’s just that in your branch, the name was lost to marriage a generation or so back.”

  “All right, so we’re McGonagalls. But this says that a McGonagall male has to return what was taken. I take it you expect me to do this. But as near as I can make out, what was taken was this princess. She must be dead by now.”

  “Nope,” said Alex. “Not dead. Old. Very old. But not dead.”

  “How old?”

  “Hard to say,” I told him. “It’s been a bit over three hundred years since she entered the human world, but I don’t know how many years she lived before that.”

  Bennett scowled. “And you’ve found her?”

  Alex smiled. “She’s at Happy Oaks!”

  “She’s my teacher’s granny,” put in Destiny, who had already heard part of this from Alex and me.

  “Ms. Kincaid is willing to help,” Alex added.

  “Allie, we can’t just take an old lady out of the nursing home,” said Bennett. He was starting to sound desperate now. “Don’t you understand? We’d be arrested! And where am I supposed to take her anyway?”

  “To the Enchanted Realm,” I said. “It’s where she belongs.”

  “That’s it,” said Bennett. “I’m out of here. This is just nutty.”

  When he stood up, Alex said, “You know where else you’re going to be out of soon?”

  “Where?” he asked, the word coming out almost like a snarl.

  “This house. Did you know Dad’s company offered to let him keep his job if he came back at the beginning of next week? That’s one of the reasons Mom and Dad have been fighting so much. But Dad won’t go back as long as the curse is in effect. And you know now that his songs won’t ever be any good. So we’re going to lose this house if we don’t do something and do it fast.”

  Bennett began walking in a circle, tearing at his hair. My heart went out to the lad. He was past the age of belief, so this was far harder on him than it had been on Alex. (For Destiny, it was no problem at all, of course.)

  We waited in silence until he had calmed himself. Finally, still looking furious, he returned to the table.

  “Dad’s old boss called. He gave Dad until Monday to decide whether to go back to his job,” said Alex. “He and mom are going out tomorrow night to discuss it.”

  “I know they’re going out,” said Bennett, sounding cranky. “I’m supposed to babysit for you two, remember?”

  “So tomorrow night is when we make our move,” said Alex with a smile. Then she reached into my box and took out the piece of wood Granny Squannit had given me. Placing it on the table, she said, “This is a time peg. Before we enter the Enchanted Realm, we pound this into the ground at the point where we plan to go in. It will tie us to that time, so we’ll be able to make the trip and return without anyone knowing we’ve been gone.”

  “Trip?” Bennett asked. “Don’t we just take the old lady in and leave her?”

  “Alas, nae,” I said. “She must be returned to her mother, the Queen of Shadows. We’ll have to cross the sea to do that.”

  Bennett shook his head. “This is crazy, Al. And not just because this…this brownie thing shouldn’t even exist. I told you, we can’t just take an old lady out of Happy Oaks. It’s kidnapping. Or old-lady-napping. And even if we could do that, we’d have to bring her back. Otherwise we’ll get arrested for murder or something.”

  “I believe I can help with that,” said a voice from the door.

  It was Ms. Kincaid, who had been waiting in the other room.

  It was time to hatch our plans.

  11/6 (Fri.)

  I am dizzy with excitement. Tomorrow night we are going to do the most daring and dangerous thing I’ve ever been a part of. And if all goes well, I am going to get to see the Enchanted Realm!

  I can hardly believe it.

  I just hope nothing goes wrong. If it does, we could end up in prison instead.

  Or somehow trapped in the Enchanted Realm.

  Mrs. Winterbotham, if you are reading this, don’t worry, I’m just making this all up!

  On the other hand, if I don’t come back, at least you’ll know what happened to me.…

  Saturday, November 7

  I write this entry as the children are having a final bicker before we enter the Enchanted Realm. The problem they are discussing is who gets to go.

  Bennett is pulling the boy card and saying he should go alone. “Besides,” he just said, “if this time peg thing really works, you’ll barely know I’ve been gone. I’ll be out and back in an instant.”

  Which is true enough. However, Alex and Destiny are both insisting they must come as well.

  Ailsa McGonagall is snoozing in the portable wheelchair we brought in the boot of Ms. Kincaid’s car.

  While the children fight, I want to get down what has happened so far this evening. Here it is:

  Shortly after Mr. and Mrs. Carhart left for their night out, Lorna Kincaid showed up and we all piled into her car. There was no question about Alex and Destiny coming then, since Bennett was supposed to be “babysitting” (what an odd term to use for children who are nae babes at all) and pretty much forbidden to leave them alone.

  When we got to Happy Oaks, Ms. Kincaid parked the car about halfway along the lot, choosing a spot between a couple of bigger cars to help shield us.

  “Wait here,” she said. “I’ll need about twenty minutes.”

  After she left, Bennett got out of the passenger side, went around the car, and climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “Are you sure you can do this, Ben?” Alex asked.

  He snorted. “If everything you crazies have told me is true, t
his will be the easiest part of the trip.”

  To pass the time, I told them more about the Enchanted Realm.

  We all knew what was happening inside. Ms. Kincaid was going to sign a permission form that would allow her to take her gran out of the building for some fresh air. The nurse in charge would be warning her that Ailsa was what they call a wanderer, and so she would have to keep a close eye on her.

  She would take her gran out, and they would chat for a while. Then, assuming the coast was clear, Lorna would wheel Ailsa over to the car and help her into the front passenger seat.

  That accomplished, Bennett would drive us to the nearest church. This was what had Alex so nervous, as I take it the lad is too young to drive in this country. Fortunately, the kirk is no more than a mile away, and it is a quiet country road that leads us there.

  Once we were safely away from Happy Oaks, Ms. Kincaid would head back into the nursing home with the empty wheelchair, weeping and wailing about how she had only turned aside to talk to someone for a few minutes and when she turned back, her gran was gone…probably wandered into the woods that surrounded the home.

  Happily, that all worked out exactly as we had planned, and Bennett made it to the church with no incident, though I have to say his driving was a bit wombly. At least two times I thought we were headed for the ditch, and for such a short trip, there was a lot of “Oh, God, watch out, Bennett!” from Alex and a lot of “Shut up and let me drive!” back from the lad.

  I need to stop now. The fight about who is going into the Realm has been resolved, and it appears we are all going! The nub of it seems to be that Alex was not to be left behind, and if she went, Destiny had to go as well.

  Bennett kept insisting that because of the time peg they would not even know he had been gone, but I think none of them are entirely sure the peg will work.

  For that matter, neither am I.

  Well, there’s nothing for it. Bennett is pounding the time peg into the ground. (I give the lad credit for remembering to bring a hammer with him.)

  As soon as I put my diary away, I’ll be climbing onto Alex’s shoulder. Then it’s three times widdershins about the kirk for us.

  I do not know when I will have the chance to write again.

  Date Uncertain (I canna figure how to date this diary entry if we are going to return at the same time we left!)

  We have been two days in the Enchanted Realm, but this is the first time I have had a chance to write anything.

  To start off, I need to note that we have an unexpected companion. As we were about to go widdershins around the church, Lorna Kincaid came running up, crying, “Wait for me! I’ve decided to come with you!”

  Later, she explained that she had given her report to the nursing home, then dashed off into the woods to “look for her gran”—except, of course, she knew exactly where to find her. She had run all the way to the kirk. I must say she is in extremely good shape for a woman of sixty-five years. I assume that is the elven blood working in her.

  So now a party of six—the three Carhart children, the ancient Princess of Sunshine, her great-granddaughter, and myself—went round the church three times.

  Because the princess was in a wheelchair and the ground was rough, it took longer than I liked. I was tense with fear that the searchers might have followed Lorna and would come bursting upon us before we finished the third circle. But we made it, and I heard the children gasp as we entered the Enchanted Realm.

  It is not that the Realm looks so different at the point where we came through. By sight, it could easily have been their world. But there’s no mistaking the Realm for the human world. I can’t explain, other than to say you can feel it in your skin. As it turns out, that is literally true for a human, since all three Carharts cried, “It tingles!”

  I had not known to expect this, having never brought a human into the Realm before. (And now that I’ve done it, I quake to think of what price I might pay for the deed. I have violated every point of the Great Oath of the Brownies and then some. I wonder if any brownie has ever before been so bad.)

  It was not only the children who cried out. I heard, too, a gasp of delight and pain from Ailsa McGonagall.

  “So long,” she murmured. “So long away.”

  Then she stood up from her wheelchair!

  “Let me lean on you, Lorna,” she said.

  “Gladly,” replied her great-granddaughter.

  We had not been walking more than an hour when Weegun showed up, as I had expected and hoped.

  “Well, Angus Cairns,” he said, “I keep asking if you have come to steal our lands. Now I find you here with an entire invading party!”

  He smiled as he said it, so I knew he had come to help.

  I made introductions all around, then said, “Can you take us to the harbor, and the ships you told me of?”

  “Yes, and glad to do so,” said my friend (for I felt I could now call him that), and off we went.

  It was a balmy evening in the Enchanted Realm, unusually warm for November. And a good thing it was, as we did need to stop and sleep for a while. I was worried about the princess lying on the ground, but she said she could feel the Realm seeping into her bones, and it was as good as a tonic for her.

  In the morning, I swear she looked younger, though still the crone for all that.

  It was good that Alex had prevailed on the matter of joining us, as she was the one who had thought to bring provisions. In fact, her backpack was full of them. Lorna Kincaid was a bit dismayed because the girl had brought nothing but cookies and chips, but the rest of us were pleased enough to have them.

  We could smell the sea before we saw it, and despite the terrors of my first trip across, I did like the scent. Soon enough we left the woods and found ourselves atop a hill that sloped down to a sweep of harbor. To my astonishment, there were great docks there, and a dozen graceful ships with sails of silver. Busily moving about the docks were all manner of folk—elves, mostly, but also goblins and dwarves, as well as a small troll. There were also some Makiaweesug.

  “Look!” cried Alex, pointing upward. “There’s a griffin.”

  We all looked up, and most of us gasped. It was the first time I had seen one of these great beasts myself, and I marveled at how the eagle’s head and wings merged with the lion’s body.

  “Now I will believe that there are unicorns,” murmured Bennett.

  For a moment, I thought he had come up with a decent line despite the curse, but then I recognized that he was quoting the great elven poet William Shakespeare. (Most mortals think Shakespeare was a human, but anyone with an ounce of sense can tell he was of Enchanted stock. Half human at most is the general belief in the Enchanted Realm.)

  Down to the docks we went, our task to find a ship willing to take us across the Shadow Sea. I had brought my pack and the few coins I had, but I had no idea if they would do for passage.

  It turned out they would not, though it took a while to learn that. When we first walked the docks, all we gathered were suspicious looks…no surprise, given that I was traveling with such a strange crew of humans, who were nae supposed to be here at all.

  For a time it seemed that no one would talk to us. But as I was beginning to despair, a gruff voice shouted, “Destiny! Destiny Carhart, what are you doing here?”

  “Herbert!” cried the wee girl happily.

  Looking up, I saw a goblin leaning over the edge of a ship. “I’ll be right down!” he cried. Moments later, he was standing before us, his ugly face beaming with an enormous grin that showed his pointed teeth.

  “Herbert was real?” Bennett cried in astonishment.

  Destiny rolled her eyes. “I told you he was real, Ben. You just wouldn’t believe me. It wasn’t very nice of you.”

  Bennett made an elegant bow. “My apologies, little sister.”

  By this I saw that even if his poetry itself was atrocious, acting the poet had improved his manners.

  I have never had much to do with goblins, bu
t this Herbert seemed nice enough of his type, despite the fact that he was hairless, green, and had great flapping ears. He was about three times my height, a few inches shorter than Destiny.

  When we explained our problem, Herbert said, “Let me talk to my captain.” He turned to the princess. “No offense, ma’am, but I don’t think I’ll be able to convince the captain to offer free passage, as you hardly look like the Princess of Sunshine. But I can at least get him to talk to you.”

  A short time later, we were in the captain’s quarters. He was a dwarf, about a foot taller than Herbert, with a beard nearly as long as the goblin was high. He was a nice enough fellow, but when I poured out bits o’ gold onto his table, he simply laughed.

  “Is there naught we can give to convince you to take us across?” I asked.

  “Oh, certainly,” he said in his rumbling voice. “Give me the hair of the wee lass, which is like to gold, and I’ll count it as passage for all of you.”

  “Oh, captain!” Herbert cried. “That is not right!”

  “It’s the price,” said the captain firmly.

  Destiny was starting to cry, but she nodded her assent.

  “Wait!” said Alex. “Look.”

  Swiftly she undid her long braids, revealing the full flood of her bright red hair, which was like a fire ablaze.

  The captain studied her for a long moment, then nodded and said, “Aye, that will do.”

  Oh, my heart went out to my girl then. I knew how she loved those braids, and that bright red hair.

  “Herbert, go fetch the scissor man,” said the captain.

  Then we sat and waited.

  “Alex?” said Bennett.

  “Shhhh,” she said, her face set. “We have to do what we have to do.”

  Moments later, the scissor man came and said, “’’Twill be easier if you braid it back up, miss.”

  This she did, her fingers moving fast. And when she was done, she sat silently weeping while he took his great scissors and chopped off first the left braid, then the right, laying each across the captain’s table.