Diary of a Mad Brownie

by Bruce Coville

  “Passage paid,” said the captain. “Your timing is good. We sail within the hour.”

  First Day on Ship

  I cried myself to sleep last night. I still can’t believe I let the scissor man cut off my braids. It’s strange that something that didn’t hurt at all (I mean, there’s no pain when you cut hair) could hurt so very much, so deep inside.

  I keep putting my hands to my head, feeling that short shag of hair.

  Each time I do, it feels wrong.

  I don’t even want to think what Mom and Dad are going to say when we get back.

  Assuming we do get back.

  Despite all this, I am starting to think maybe it was worth it. Seriously, I keep pinching myself to make sure I’m not dreaming and we truly are crossing the Shadow Sea on a silver ship with a crew of elves and goblins! (The goblins are a riot. There are five of them, each about three feet tall. They have big noses, big feet, flapping ears, and think farts are the most hilarious things in the world.)

  Last night I saw a mermaid swimming beside us. She waved to me, then flipped up her tail, laughed, and dove out of sight.

  I had to hug myself to keep from exploding!

  Poor Bennett is not having nearly as good a time. That’s because the curse is still in effect and he’s trying to write poems that capture (in his words) “the wonder and glory and awe of this voyage.”

  Naturally, they suck.

  At least it’s not his fault. But even knowing that, he can’t help trying. I never would have believed I could feel so sorry for him. The best thing he’s come up with so far is a quick two-liner to disapprove of how much the goblins fart:

  Upon my soul, I think it crass

  The way these goblins pass their gas!

  Actually, it’s probably the best poem he’s written.

  In other news, the princess is looking younger by the hour. Even now, when she still looks kind of old, you can see how incredibly beautiful she must have been when Ewan first met her. No wonder he fell in love with her.

  I wonder exactly how Ewan is related to us. Super-great-uncle? Many times great-granddaddy? It would be cool to find out. Maybe I’ll have to learn how to do a family tree when we get back. I’ll definitely need the “intermagoogle” to research our family.

  Destiny is so happy to have Herbert to play with again. The captain has had to yell at them twice because Herbert has been neglecting his work to play tag with my little sister.

  It turns out that the reason he had been her not-so-imaginary friend was that he had a few weeks of shore leave.

  The world is turning out to be far stranger than I had realized.

  Fourth Day Since Entering the Enchanted Realm

  The captain and I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to coach Bennett in how to present the Princess of Sunshine to her mother once we reach the queen’s court.

  (Ailsa has been youthening, and now that the captain has realized who his passenger really is, he canna do enough for us.)

  The lad is respectful enough and is trying hard. But due to the curse, he is unable to control his poetic urge and launches into cascades of words that strain to sound lofty and graceful but just seem idiotic.

  ’Tis a hard and harsh curse indeed.

  Though the journey has been mostly peaceful, we did have some unwelcome excitement last night when we crossed ways with a sea serpent. The scaly thing reared out of the water and was going to wrap itself around the ship. Surely it would have dragged us to the bottom of the Shadow Sea if it had been able to do so.

  As it turns out, this is why the captain keeps goblins on the crew. The five of them sprang into action and attacked the monster with their bare hands! I never thought I would live to see a goblin perched on the head of a sea serpent and pummeling it between the eyes.

  It was over soon enough, but I was glad Destiny was already asleep, for she would have been terrified about what might happen to Herbert. As it was, the crew had to fish the poor fellow out of the water.

  This is not the life for a brownie! I am supposed to be inside, keeping things tidy, not having an adventure!

  Third Day on Ship

  Here is something I will never forget. A little while ago I was on deck. The princess is almost fully herself now, and so beautiful it almost hurts my eyes to look at her. The crew found a dress for her somewhere. It’s not much, but better than the flannel nightgown she had been wearing.

  Anyway, she was standing at the prow of the ship, her golden hair streaming in the wind. The four of us—me and Bennett and Destiny, and Angus on my shoulder—came up behind her.

  Ms. Kincaid joined us.

  Ailsa turned and smiled, and I saw then why she was called the Princess of Sunshine, for it was as if in that moment a new sun had risen just for us.

  Ahead I could see the harbor, with a flock of elven ships.

  Beyond them rose a hill, and at the top of it was a soaring silver palace.

  I get a chill just writing about it.

  CONNECTICUT COAST TOWN CRIER

  NEW GLASGOW, CT

  MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE AT HAPPY OAKS

  by Emily Goldstein

  There was a disturbing incident at the Happy Oaks Senior Home last Saturday night. At about 7:30 p.m., Ms. Lorna Kincaid came in to take her great-grandmother, Mrs. Ailsa McGonagall, “out for some air.” Some twenty minutes later, Kincaid returned to the lobby, frantic because her great-grandmother, who was noted in the home’s records as a “wanderer,” had disappeared while Kincaid was talking with someone else.

  A search was mounted, but no sign of the old woman was found.

  Even more mysterious, Ms. Kincaid has vanished as well. Her car was found in the parking lot of the First Baptist Church, and there are footprints and wheelchair tracks going around the church. But there has been no sign of the two women. Neither is there any sign of a struggle or of foul play.

  The police are mystified by the situation. The nursing home will not give a further statement at this time.

  Anyone with information regarding the fate of the two women is urged to contact the New Glasgow Police Station.

  Sixth Day of Our Journey

  By the time we reached the eastern shore of the Shadow Sea, the princess was as herself as she could be, and the crew of the ship was entirely at her service. Never have I heard so many apologies. I could see fear in many of those faces, elf and dwarf and goblin alike, as they wondered what the queen might do when she learned they had nearly denied her daughter passage.

  His face grim, the captain offered to return Alex’s braids. She looked at them, a pair of fine red ropes lying limp across his outstretched hands, and just shook her head.

  From a perch atop the mainmast, a signal elf had sent word to shore of the precious and amazing cargo we were carrying into harbor. So it was no surprise that there was a great crowd gathered at the pier.

  At the center of the crowd were the queen’s guards, tall elves in silvery mail, holding back the masses. The guards had a grand cart, drawn by four white horses, into which we were guided. I clung tight to Alex’s shoulder, fearing to fall and be trampled by the crowd, as tall to me as trees would be to a human.

  Up the hill we rode, cheering throngs on either side, until we reached the gate of the castle.

  There stood the queen herself, robed all in black, with her midnight hair flowing past her shoulders in thick ebony curls. About her neck hung the great ruby. In her arms she carried a robe of glistening white.

  For a moment, no one moved. Then I poked Alex. She got the message and poked Bennett. “You’re on!” she hissed.

  Bennett swallowed hard, then stepped down from the cart. As we had taught him, he made a deep bow. Then he straightened and said, “Oh, most queenly queen of queenliness.”

  I groaned inside. On the other hand, the queen could hardly fault him for this, since it was her own curse at work.

  I saw one corner of her mouth twitch.

  “I, Bennett Carhart, male of the M
cGonagall line, have the fruitful honor and luminescent privilege to return to you your long-lost daughter, the Princess of Sunshine.”

  The boy was sweating and looked like he was about to faint, but I thought he had done well, given the circumstances and the curse.

  On cue, the princess stepped from the cart.

  The queen stared at her, then murmured, “Long have you been gone, my child.”

  “Longer than I intended,” replied the princess, “and a strange time it has been.”

  “Would you do it again?” asked the queen.

  “Aye, for love, I would do it again.”

  The queen’s eyes flashed. For a terrible moment, I thought I saw a fury rising in her and feared she would once more banish the girl. But she took a deep breath, then nodded and said, “Well, then I guess you made the right choice after all.”

  Seventh Day of Our Journey

  An unexpected turn, and a dark time for me. I didn’t see it coming, for last night started delightfully. The queen declared a grand feast, a celebration with wonders and fireworks and food beyond any I had ever imagined: jellies condensed from dew that was harvested from butterfly wings just before dawn; bread made from the crushed seeds of roses and eglantine, so soft and light it was in danger of floating away; mushroom tarts that glowed in the dark; and many, many more strange and luscious things.

  Ailsa came to us before the banquet began to assure us it would be safe for the Carhart children to eat the food, and that it would not be used to hold them here.

  To my fear and delight, we were seated at the queen’s table. There was a special chair for me, with a kind of small table all my own, so that I could be up with the others.

  The laughter, and the songs, and the celebration, and the elf wine, which I drank a bit more of than I should have…oh, ’twas a wondrous night.

  Just as the merriment was reaching its peak, the queen went to her throne and called for the Carharts to present themselves before her.

  They stood in line by age. The queen rose and went down to them, stopping first before Bennett. Placing her slender hand upon his shoulder, she said, “And so a male of the McGonagall line has returned to me what a male of that same line took away. And for that deed, I declare the Curse of the McGonagalls to be lifted.”

  Bennett, bless him, had the good sense to bow. As he did, the queen placed her hands upon his head and murmured, “For what you have done, I grant you, Bennett Carhart, the gift of song.”

  When he stood again, I would have sworn that he was glowing.

  Then to Alex she gave a slender ring, saying, “With this ring, you will always know when someone is speaking true, and thus no boy nor man can play you false.”

  I expect she will find that very useful as she grows a bit older.

  “And you, wee Destiny,” she said to the youngest Carhart. “What can I give to you, who became part of my daughter’s destiny?”

  The girl thought for a moment, then said, “Can Herbert the Goblin come back to visit whenever he wants?”

  The queen laughed. “Not whenever he wants, my child. But he may make three trips a year. And with this amulet I now give you, you may three times summon him if ever you are in danger. But use it wisely, for it is three times and three times only.”

  Next she called Lorna Kincaid to stand before her.

  “And so you are of my blood,” said the queen, gazing at her. “A great-great-granddaughter. And you helped to restore my daughter to me. For this I owe you much. Tell me, descendant mine, what is your wish…to stay here in the Realm, or return to the world you were raised in?”

  “May I stay?” asked Lorna.

  The queen nodded. “You may stay as long as you like,” she said, “and return when you wish, if ever that time may arise. For you have done me great service.”

  Then the queen called for me to come and stand before her.

  I was giddy with delight, sure that I, too, was about to receive my reward. So I was shocked at what she said next.

  “Angus Cairns. Angus Cairns. What are we to do with you? You have done me great service, great service indeed. But in doing so, you have broken every part of the Great Oath of the Brownies to which you swore long ago.”

  I hung my head and murmured, “Aye, that I have.”

  “Were it up to me, I would blink at these transgressions and pretend they never happened. But we are ruled by laws and bindings, as well you know. So I must hold you here until we can summon the tribunal and determine exactly what is to be done with you.”

  “No!” cried Alex.

  Oh, the sound of that “No!” was balm to my heart. Naetheless, I wish I could have stopped it in her mouth. One does not lightly cry “No!” to the Queen of Shadows!

  The queen turned, her eyes blazing. Then she closed them. I saw her lips moving, and realized that she was counting.

  After a moment or two, she opened her eyes and said, “Because you are human and do not know our ways, I will forgive that outburst. But do not ever speak to me in such a way again if you value your life or your chance of return to the human world.”

  Then she gathered her robes about her and left the banquet hall, which had fallen silent.

  Soon two elves approached the Carharts and said, “We will guide you to your rooms. Tomorrow you take ship for home.”

  Then two goblins crossed to me and said sternly, “Come with us, Angus Cairns. You will be housed in comfort and ease, but no more about shall you go until the tribunal passes judgment.”

  “Angus!” cried Alex. She stretched towards me, but the elves pulled her back, a sight that still burns in my memory.

  “Travel safe, all three!” I cried. I tried to move to her, but the goblins grabbed me by the shoulders and marched me away, and I saw the Carharts no more.

  I would say this is not the way I thought this would end, but I have long dreaded that the day would come when I would pay for breaking the Great Oath so many times over. And here it is at last.

  I hope the time peg works for the children. It torments me that I am not able to be with them on their homeward trip.

  11/7 (Sat.)

  The time peg worked!

  It was amazing—I had lost track of how many days we were in the Enchanted Realm, but last night we came back into the human world (as I now know it is called) at exactly the same time we left. (I checked the clock in Ms. Kincaid’s car.)

  We didn’t dare have Bennett drive the car back to our place, of course, so we had to walk. Ben had to carry Destiny about half the way, but he never complained about it.

  I could do worse in terms of a big brother.

  Mom got called back to Happy Oaks because of Ailsa’s disappearance, so it wasn’t till morning that she saw what had happened to my hair.

  I won’t write down the scene that followed. It was too unpleasant. What was really unfair was that she grounded Bennett for letting me do it!

  Poor Ben. Now that the curse is off, he just wants to get back to soccer. It’s going to be a while before that can happen. I feel really bad for him. But we had a talk about it, and he said that he’d trade a couple of weeks of grounding for an adventure like the one we just had any time he got the chance.

  I eavesdropped on Mom and Dad talking this afternoon. I think Dad is going to ask for his job back!

  If only I wasn’t so worried about Angus, everything would be great.…

  Friday, November 13

  Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carhart—

  I wanted to take a moment to tell you that I am impressed by the progress Alex has made. Though her desk is not likely to win any awards for organization and neatness, it does now qualify as civilized. More important, she has started to get her work in on time.

  I don’t know what you have done to achieve this metamorphosis, but I salute you for it. Maybe you should consider teaching a training class for parents.

  Sincerely,

  Sheila Winterbotham

  11/14 (Sat.)

  It’s been a week since we l
eft Angus and Ms. Kincaid in the Enchanted Realm, and my room is getting to be a mess again.

  I’m honestly trying to keep it neater. Partly because I know that’s what Angus would want.

  Really, it just seems so strange not to have him here. Yeah, he drove me nuts when he first showed up. But by the time we went to the Enchanted Realm, I had really come to like him.

  Now I miss the little guy like crazy.

  I suppose I should put the Barbie dollhouse (the Pink Horror!) back in the attic. The thing is, I keep hoping he’ll come back, if only for a visit.

  Okay, that’s probably stupid of me. But I’m so worried about him! He did such a great thing in returning the princess to the Enchanted Realm, and look what he got for it.

  The Realm may be beautiful, but I don’t think it is always fair.

  On the plus side, things are much better here. Dad has gone back to work, and Bennett is his normal annoying self again. Except he sings a lot now, and it’s really beautiful. So that’s cool. Also, Dad has made up with Pete and has agreed to stick to writing music and let Pete handle the lyrics. They’ve decided to record some of their new songs with Bennett singing them.

  Best of all, Mom and Dad are getting along.

  I’m even doing better in school, mostly thanks to the way Angus helped me get organized.

  It’s just not fair that the queen is going to put him on trial for breaking some stupid Oath of the Brownies! He was doing good things. Shoot, I’m crying again.

  Talk about stupid!

  The Judgment Upon Angus Cairns as Declared by the High Court of the Enchanted Realm in Scotland

  After due consideration of the numerous violations of the Great Oath of the Brownies that have been perpetrated by Angus Cairns in a remarkably short period of time, the court has come to its decision, which is as follows: