Shaken

by Kariss Lynch

  Micah ran onto the dock with two towels. What she really wanted was a hot shower and her sweats. The chill set into her bones, into her soul.

  “What happened, sis?”

  “Nick startled me, and I fell in.”

  “Still doesn’t explain why you didn’t come up.” Nick’s voice remained checked, but his eyes roared with fire.

  “What?” Micah looked from Kaylan to Nick and back again. “What’s he talking about? Did you hit something? Why didn’t you just swim?”

  She grew tired of their questions. She didn’t need to be pampered, her every action or emotional nuance questioned. “Look here, you two, back off. You”—she pointed at Micah—“why would you go behind my back? Does the whole family think I’m crazy or beyond repair? I don’t want to talk to a shrink. Don’t you get it? I lost someone I loved like family. I need my family to love me, to support me, even when I push you away or you don’t get it. You can’t put a Band-Aid on this, Micah.” Her voice rose, but she no longer cared.

  “And you.” She pointed at Nick. “You talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, you jump in with my family to ship me off to someone else. I need to trust you, Nick. I need you to hold me, walk me through this, and realize that you can’t even begin to understand the things in my head that I can’t unsee. You couldn’t possibly . . . ”

  “Kaylan,” Nick cut her off. “You missed the majority of that conversation. Going to see a counselor was only an idea thrown out there if you wanted it. I get that you don’t want to talk to anyone right now. But eventually, you might. And there are great trauma counselors who know how to walk you through healing from this.”

  Micah joined in. “Sis, we care too much about you to force you to do anything. We are here 100 percent, but you have to let us in. You’re right. We don’t understand it all.”

  “But we want to,” Nick finished for Micah. “Please. Talk to us.” He stepped forward to hug her, but she sidestepped him.

  “You don’t get it. You couldn’t. God doesn’t care about me, Nick. He doesn’t listen when I pray.”

  “Kaylan, He never left you. He saved your life. Don’t forget that. He allowed you to live.”

  “He left when Sarah Beth left. Why did He save me and not my friends, these sweet, innocent people I worked with? He saved me, and He saved Eliezer, but Sarah Beth died? I prayed all night. I begged. He doesn’t care.”

  “Who’s Eliezer?”

  Her heart raced. They couldn’t know about him. No, not now. She backed away from them. “It doesn’t matter. If the Lord’s in control, He chose to let my best friend die. A good, kind, innocent person who followed Him wholeheartedly.”

  “Kayles . . . .”

  Her teeth chattered, and her body convulsed with shivers. “I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. Not yet. I don’t . . . ” Stabbing pain replaced the anger. “Please, I’m sorry.”

  She slipped past them and ran to the house. They were trying, but to let them in completely would mean to relive it. She already relived it in her dreams. She knew she was putting them in a hard place, but she couldn’t stop it. She wasn’t herself. She could see that, understood it, but she couldn’t regress back to her old self no matter how hard she tried to forget. Images from Haiti flashed in her head, devoid of color, dusty. Some things could not be explained in words. Some things should never have to be.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  KAYLAN JOINED THE family for lunch, thankful no one brought up the events of that morning. Instead, conversation stayed on a safe topic: the upcoming Super Bowl between the New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts. In a house full of boys, football debates could carry on all afternoon.

  When the conversation finally hit a lull, Seth turned to her. “Ready to get in a light workout? You need to rebuild those muscles.”

  She nodded reluctantly. The doctor had recommended that she try to return to some level of normalcy. Since she couldn’t do a full workout because of her leg, Seth recommended working on her core and arms with his weight set.

  Half an hour later she sat in the garage-turned-weight-room, sweat dripping from her forehead. She was thankful for the brisk air, or this task would be impossible. She didn’t know how Seth had worked out in here all through high school.

  “One more rep, sis. We have to make sure you can throw and catch that football so we can whip David and Micah in those family games.” Trying to cheer her up as she worked out, Seth kept up a steady stream of blonde jokes, but she had yet to crack a smile.

  Kaylan gritted her teeth and focused her energy on getting stronger instead of hitting her baby brother. Inch by inch she came closer to her goal. Truthfully, she welcomed the pain. Her body still hurt from the quake. Every step kept her focused on her physical recovery. The battle raging inside seemed impossible to cure, but maybe she could at least regain her physical strength and stamina.

  “Uh, sis, you may be pushing too hard now.”

  “I can do this.”

  “I don’t doubt that you can, but I don’t think you should.”

  “Are you going to help me or not?” she snapped, and it caught her by surprise. His wounded face mirrored her own.

  “Seth . . . ” She wiped her face and then threw down the towel. “I’m done for the day. Thanks.” She pushed off Seth’s workout bench and grabbed her crutches.

  “Kayles?”

  Seth’s shoulders sagged as he met her eyes. She wished she could comfort, but there were no words.

  “What can I do? How can I help you? I want to make it better.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat.

  “Nothing, Seth. I don’t think anything can fix this. It’s too big and too awful. I’m sorry. I just . . . need time and a break, a way to forget it all.” She left the garage and quietly pulled the door closed behind her. But how do you forget something like this? She squeezed her eyes shut, but tears still refused to fall.

  Nick hurt for Seth. He’d heard the last bit of Kaylan’s and Seth’s conversation and slipped from view as she hobbled from the garage. It was time to treat her to a relaxing night—no rehab, no recovery, no questions. Just light and fun.

  Nick hurried to intercept Kaylan. On her, sweat looked good, but he didn’t figure she would appreciate the comment at the moment.

  “Hey, beautiful, feel good to work out?”

  She turned, not quite meeting his eyes. He missed the way her eyes lit up like she had a secret she wanted to share with the whole world. Now they were shadowed, a shade darker, like winter had crept in to overshadow the summer green.

  “Seth’s trying. I’m trying. It hurts.”

  “It’s a slow process. Keep going. You’ll be healthy and walking normally in no time.” But no matter how quick the recovery, her leg would always bear a scar, a painful reminder. Nick bore a few of his own. Not all were external.

  “That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” Her attempt at a smile broke his heart.

  He closed the distance between them and slipped his hands around her waist, taking her weight. The crutches hit the walls as she gripped his arms. He leaned his forehead against hers and waited until she relaxed.

  “Want to go on a date with me tonight?”

  “Nick.”

  “You and me, and maybe your brothers if they decide to crash.”

  “Nick.”

  “C’mon. You need a night to relax and be with people who love you and want to spend time with you. Laughter cures the pain of any heartache. Or so I’m told.”

  He didn’t bother to tell her that he would need to leave in the next couple of days. He tugged her closer, intentionally working to pull down the walls she had built. Walls never healed the pain; they gave it a place to fester and grow unchecked.

  “We won’t have to leave your house. Dinner and a movie. I’ll even ask David to cook, so you have something decent to eat.”

  She shook against him.

  “Was that a laugh?”

  “Don’t tell Seth. He’ll be j
ealous.”

  “I think he already is.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m stealing the sister he adores, and he’s not sure I’m worthy.”

  The silence lingered. She looked . . . haunted. He had to work harder. Every day she gave in to her memories. They shaped her reality, one that would always be half empty, absent a friend who thrived in daily memory.

  “In your defense, you’re still here.”

  He kissed her forehead and swallowed back his growing frustration. Once again his job would pull him away from her when she needed him. Where was the balance?

  “Dinner, movie. Tonight. On me.”

  The flat screen over the fireplace in the Richards’s cozy living room came alive with fish and crabs. Kaylan enjoyed the story of Finding Nemo. The ocean reminded her of Nick, and it seemed appropriate that she sat wrapped in his arms on the couch. Unable to escape the chill, she bundled up in sweat pants, her Alabama sweatshirt, and a blanket.

  She envied Dory. The lighthearted blue fish had the ability to forget. Kaylan wished she could forget . . . forget the earthquake, forget Sarah Beth’s broken body, forget the endless dark hours and the cold that had crept into her life since Sarah Beth had left. She snuggled closer to Nick.

  She also related to Marlin, the clown fish whose son is lost. Fleeing from sharks, jelly fish, and swimming across a vast ocean, he was a small fish in a big pond, desperate to reunite with the one thing he loved most, his son, Nemo. If she could cross the ocean and find the best friend she loved and lost, she would jump the first plane, swim if she had to. If only it were that simple. If only Sarah Beth were lost, kidnapped, or just in a hospital somewhere. But she had left the planet. Kaylan could fly to Haiti a thousand times, but nothing would change. Only a dusty grave awaited her.

  The fire roared and popped. Sharks appeared on screen, larger than life, and despite their best intentions, the biggest shark was determined to devour Marlin and Dory. Music blared and speakers rattled. Kaylan bolted upright and jumped from the couch as Nick’s cell phone vibrated on the end table. The room shook and pulsated. Kaylan grabbed her head. It was happening again. She had to leave.

  “Kaylan?”

  Not even the sound of Nick’s voice could hold her in place. The room could collapse any second, and she would not be trapped again. Never again.

  “Run!”

  She tore through the room, ripped open the front door, and ran onto the open driveway. As soon as she was clear of the house, she crouched and covered her head, no longer able to discern anything but the shaking of her own body and the pounding of her heart and head. Without her bidding, Haiti flooded her mind, consuming the driveway, the house, and Nick’s strong voice calling her name. Alabama once again grew distant.

  “Kaylan. Kaylan!” Nick shook her. She moaned but didn’t open her eyes. “Kaylan, look at me. What happened?”

  “Not again, please, not another one.”

  He sat down on the driveway and pulled her into his lap. She came willingly, curling into a ball. He wished he could wrap her in a bubble and shield her.

  “Everything started shaking. I can’t do it again, Nick, I can’t.”

  He groaned and held her head against his chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think.” He kissed her forehead and continued to hold her. He should have turned the surround sound off. The room had rattled, and even the slightest vibrations set her on edge. The phone vibrating on the table hadn’t helped either. Flashbacks came at the oddest times, and he would need to warn the family of what to expect.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  MISS RICHARDS, THIS is Mary Ann Adams from the San Diego Dietetics Program. I understand you are going through a bit of a rough patch, but I am calling to encourage you to turn in the rest of your application by the due date in a few weeks. My recommendation letter for you is through, and you have unofficially been accepted to the program because of your college project and grades. Miss Richards, I need to stress to you the importance of this program for your future. If you fail to submit the material, I will be powerless to help you succeed in this field. Think about it, and let me know what you decide.”

  The message ended. Kaylan clicked off her cell phone and rolled over in her bed, the room still in shadows. The sun hung in the sky, a new workweek had begun, but she had been unable to rouse for a sunrise. She didn’t want to do much of anything lately. Unable to face the Tuckers because of what happened at the memorial service on Friday, she had begged off from attending church yesterday, and instead she had stayed home with Nick for company, watching reruns of I Love Lucy.

  She curled around her pillow and thought of the message. How distant college and graduation felt. Only a month before, she had left for Haiti, and that decision had ended one life and radically altered another. She had returned to a different life, one lacking. The internship seemed unimportant now. Everything seemed less important. She didn’t care to make a decision. At the moment, she never wanted to leave her room, let alone go to California.

  A loud tap sounded on the door, and Kaylan jumped. Would she ever grow accustomed to loud, sudden noises again?

  “Come in.”

  Pap stuck his silver head through the door. “Sugar, it’s dark in here. Time to rise and shine, my morning glory.”

  “I’m not ready to get up yet, Pap.”

  “Well, I’m not asking. Get up, get dressed. We’re going for a ride.”

  “A ride?”

  “Let’s go see that horse of yours. She’s starting to feel neglected.”

  Kaylan sat up on the bed. Her mind zipped back to the dark rubble of Rhonda’s house. She was supposed to take this ride with Sarah Beth. They had promised each other, before . . . She shook her head hard, her hair stinging as it slapped her cheeks. “I’m not going, Pap. Not today.”

  “Now, Sugar, I want to spend the morning with you, and you need to get out of this house. You have two options: get up on your own, or I’ll call Nick or your brothers to haul you out of this room and put you in the car in your pajamas. Now, what’s it gonna be?” He threw open the blinds on the window, causing Kaylan to wince—too much light. Pap had morphed back into the famous Alabama state judge. He had just banged the gavel, giving her an ultimatum. He meant business.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Lover boy’s coming with us, just so you know. I need some help getting around these days, and I don’t figure an old man on a cane and a gimpy young lady, however pretty, should be hobbling around together alone without a strapping young man to help out.”

  “Pap . . . ”

  “No complaints. Get dressed, and be down at the truck in twenty minutes.” The door closed with finality behind him.

  Shivering, she crawled out of bed and walked to the window, squinting in the light. Her room had become a cave, her hiding place. She closed the blinds, returning the room to its dim state. Peering into the mirror, she started. She didn’t recognize the woman before her—skinny, her eyes dark and dull, her hair limp and unkept. The woman before her was a skeleton of the girl who had gone to Haiti. She wondered if she would ever see that woman again.

  Her breath hovered in the crisp, chilly air. Kaylan pulled the sleeves of her sweatshirt down over her arms. Nick leaned against Pap’s truck, studying her, much as he had the day he’d arrived. Leaning into his hug, she felt safe, if only for a moment.

  “Morning, beautiful. How’d you sleep?”

  “Okay.” The dreams had flirted around the corners of her subconscious, her twisted sheets evidence of a fitful night. “Pap made me get up.”

  “It’s almost time for lunch. I hear you never sleep this late.”

  “I didn’t used to.”

  “You’ll find your sea legs again. You ready to see Black-Eyed Pea?”

  The silence stretched. Did she tell him that Sarah Beth was supposed to be here for this? That they had planned it under the ceiling of Rhonda’s house in Sarah Beth’s last moments? The ride would be absent one bubbly blonde.


  “We were . . . ” She cleared her throat and tried again. His patience amazed her. “We were supposed to ride together when we got back. Sarah Beth and I. She wanted to lie out in the sun, eat a greasy hamburger, and go riding with me through the woods.”

  His arm tightened around her waist, and she rubbed her face against the wool lining of his jacket, finding comfort in the contact. He handed her his cup of coffee, and she took a sip. The liquid warmed her from the inside out.

  “She would want you to enjoy the ride this morning and remember her as she always was—smiling.”

  “She liked you, you know. Called you my knight in shining armor. I was the damsel in distress. She couldn’t have known how true her words were.”

  He tipped her chin up, and she once again met eyes that reminded her of the ocean in a fog. A storm brewed there, churning and ready to break.

  “You were rescuing others long before I arrived to rescue you.” The intensity in his eyes made her catch her breath. “You are the real hero, Kayles. Beautiful and brilliant and brave.”

  “I’m not any of those things. I’m a royal mess, Nick. Broken beyond repair.”

  His voice was low and husky, warming the frigid, aching places of her heart. “Never beyond repair, Kayles. We serve a God who heals what is broken and mends our sorrows.”

  His gaze brushed over her lips, and she pulled back, heart racing and dread crowding out the breathless feeling of moments before. She couldn’t deal with this right now. What right did she have to be happy when Sarah Beth was gone? She tore her gaze from the hurt buried in his eyes and climbed into the truck.

  Nick left to fetch Pap. After all three of them were crowded into the pickup cab, Nick started up the truck, then filled the tense silence by humming along to the country songs on the radio.

  After parking outside the barn, Nick helped Pap out of the car. Watching Pap’s slow movements, Kaylan felt another twinge of bitterness. God had already taken Sarah Beth, and her strong Pap was weaker because of a stroke God had allowed. What next?