Shaken

by Kariss Lynch

  Pap leaned on his cane, and Kaylan trudged beside him into the barn, where she inhaled the familiar smell of hay, earth, and warm bodies. Horses snorted and shifted in the stables. The clack of hoofs on the wooden floor welcomed Kaylan, and a sharp pain of longing for days gone by shot through her. Black-Eyed Pea nodded her head in the stable, standing strong, quiet, confident, steady. The sight of her favorite horse was a taste of normal, but the taste was bittersweet without Sarah Beth.

  Nick paused at the door, and Kaylan wouldn’t meet his eyes. The moments stretched, the awkward silence creating a barrier between them. Always the gentleman, Nick bowed out of the silent standoff. “I’m going to take a walk.”

  Pap wrapped his good arm around Kaylan’s shoulders. “All right, son. Come back when you’re ready. I don’t think we’ll be doing much riding today.”

  Nick nodded and left. Pap’s eyes found Kaylan’s. “Now, what did you do to that boy before I got out to the truck?”

  “Nothing, Pap.”

  She felt a lecture building in Pap’s gut and braced for it.

  “Sugar, I won’t pretend to understand what happened in Haiti. I won’t pretend I understand what it feels like to lose a friend as close as Sarah Beth. But, Sugar, depression and bitterness don’t solve anything.”

  Some part of Kaylan fluttered to life at the mention of Sarah Beth’s name.

  “She was supposed to be here today, Pap.” She grabbed a brush, slipped into the stall, and began to brush her horse.

  “Lots of memories of the two of you in here. Do you remember when Sarah Beth almost slipped off her mount because she wanted to hold her hands in the air like she was on a roller coaster?” He chuckled. “I don’t think she ever let go of the saddle horn again after that.”

  “I don’t want to talk about her, Pap. It hurts too much.”

  “Well, then you can just listen, because I want to talk about her. You aren’t the only one here who needs to heal. I loved that little girl like another granddaughter. I remember the first time she spent the night with you. Gran and I were out at the lake house. The boys were playing basketball in the driveway. She walked right in the house and said, ‘Hi, my name is Sarah Beth Tucker Richards, because Kaylan and I are best friends. I figure that makes me part of the family now.’

  “We were all so shocked that we just laughed. Spunky and beautiful, that was Sarah Beth. She was your sister, you know, in every way.” He hobbled into the stable and grabbed another brush.

  “Pap, can you please stop?” She remembered every detail of that night. They had stayed up late, watching Disney movies, and the next morning her mom had made them her famous Mickey Mouse pancakes.

  “Remember when I taught the two of you to ride?”

  “I said I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped, then immediately recoiled. She never snapped at Pap. It was as though a snake had risen, untwisting from her gut, and struck, spitting poison at anyone in the vicinity. She felt it curl back, preparing to strike again.

  “Now, look here, young lady. We love you. That young man loves you, or he wouldn’t stick around. We miss Sarah Beth too.” He leveled his finger at her nose, and she drew back, the cobra within hissing an angry warning. “But if you don’t let us in, if you don’t talk about it or let the Lord heal this hurt, it’s going to fester like the ugliest sore. You deal with it now, before it eats you alive.” He patted her cheek. “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

  Never had she been so angry. He didn’t understand. This couldn’t be fixed, and God didn’t care. How could He? Poison bubbled in her stomach. She leaned her head on Black-Eyed Pea and felt a single tear trickle down her cheek for the first time since Sarah Beth’s death, leaving a scorching trail in its wake.

  Chapter Thirty

  NICK WAS JEALOUS of a horse. It could share in her tears while she held Nick at arm’s length, fearful to let him close, hesitant to feel happy. He had watched Kaylan from the barn doorway as the tears finally fell, silent and steady. He’d watched her in the rearview mirror all the way back to the house, her face fallen and eyes red. And he’d followed her into the house and watched as she climbed the stairs and quietly shut her door. Yet he could do nothing.

  He was a SEAL, trained to recognize the faintest nuance. He had patience to wait out an assailant, to act when necessary and at the opportune time, never to leave a man behind, but this woman had him completely stumped. A horse, really?

  He wandered into the kitchen and fixed himself a sandwich for lunch. It was time for answers, time to understand what had happened. How could he help her cope with this? In a mission, if one of his brothers were injured or killed, or if he took someone’s life to defend one of his own, there was no other option except to push forward. Misplaced emotion meant dead frogmen, and he couldn’t live with that. It was kill or be killed—kill them, or allow them to kill Americans, and that was purely unacceptable. Adrenaline pulsed through him at the very thought.

  But Kaylan wasn’t accustomed to pushing through. Her sister had fallen, and the Lord had allowed it. Nick had long ago ceased to ask God why things happened. He still wondered, still grew angry, but he had learned that the Lord was good in spite of his circumstances. Kaylan needed to see the Lord as her stronghold. But how could he help her see that?

  The phone vibrated in his pocket. He picked up and recognized Senior Chief ’s voice on the line. “Carmichael, you and Richards get your butts back here and help your team get ready to go. We are outward bound and need all hands on deck.”

  It was time to deploy. To where and for what were unknowns, but Nick and Micah had to help plan portions of the mission. That meant leaving Kaylan now, when everything was uncertain, when she needed him, and when he had promised her family he would stick around as long as he could.

  “Yes, sir. We’ll make the arrangements.” Nick ended the call and sighed.

  Now what, Lord?

  Kaylan had crept into his heart. He no longer wondered if he was supposed to be in her life but how they could merge their lives into one. He wanted to protect her, fix everything for her. She leaned on him, counted on him to be there. It was only a matter of time before she actually talked to him about what had happened, but his departure would cut that progress short. It looked as though Seth would have to take over, after all.

  Nick found Micah using Seth’s weight set in the garage. Seth stood nearby, spotting him.

  “Hey, Seth, can I have a minute with Micah?”

  “Sure.” He made sure Micah settled the bar and then left the room.

  “Recall?”

  “Tomorrow morning. Our flight leaves at nine.”

  “Where to?”

  “No idea. We’ll find out when we report.”

  “All right, I’ll tell the fam and pack up.”

  Nick paced the room. He was picking up Micah’s bad habits. He searched his pockets for a piece of gum and came up empty. “What am I going to tell Kaylan?”

  Micah stilled on the bench.

  “How do I leave when she needs me? She’s going to think it’s like last time.”

  “You don’t have much choice, man. She’ll just have to understand.”

  “Do you really think she will, right now? I mean, c’mon. Sarah Beth is gone. She comes home counting on us, even if she holds us at arm’s length, and now you and I are bailing on her when she needs us.”

  Micah’s jaw clenched, and Nick could tell his temper was rising—whether at Nick or at himself, Nick wasn’t sure. He stood his ground.

  “What do you want us to do, huh? We’re doing our job.”

  “Look, Bulldog, chill out. I need your advice. How do I explain?”

  “Figure it out. But I’ll tell you this . . . ” Micah stood toe to toe with Nick, and Nick recognized Micah’s anger as fear. He didn’t want to leave his sister and was worried about how it would affect her. “If you hurt her or make her for a second think that you’re leaving and aren’t coming back, I swear, we will have big problems.”


  Nick took a step back, his own temper rising at Micah’s irrational mood swing. “I’m coming back. She’ll know that. I’m just not sure that’s how she’ll see it right now.”

  “Well, you’d better make it clear that you aren’t abandoning her, Hawk.”

  “I got it, Bulldog. Loud and clear.”

  “Who are you abandoning?” Both turned to find Kaylan at the door, Seth right behind her. “What’s going on?”

  “We can talk about it later, Kayles.”

  “No, I want to talk now.”

  Nick nodded. “Let’s go out to the lake, then.”

  “Micah?”

  “It’s okay, Kayles. Just go talk to him.” She looked between them for a minute before turning on her crutches.

  Nick led her from the room. “What’s going on, Nick? What’s wrong? Micah looked mad.”

  He remained silent and prayed the whole way out to the water and as they settled in deck chairs. He fought the urge to pace. Sunshine warmed his face despite the wind chill. The water moved in the gentle breeze and reflected the sunlight. It should have refreshed him; being by the water usually did. Yet this time was different. He already felt the separation, and this wasn’t how he wanted to tell her.

  “Nick, please, I can’t handle any more bad news.”

  “Kaylan, when you went to Haiti, I told you I would wait for you,” he began. The fear in her eyes made it difficult to continue. He grasped her hand, intertwining their fingers. “I came to get you. I stayed with you. But my boss called this afternoon, and he needs my help. I have to go. Micah and I leave tomorrow morning.”

  Kaylan’s eyes went wild. “You’re leaving me? You can’t. You promised you wouldn’t. I need you. I can’t do this alone.”

  In that moment Nick wondered if he had missed the mark completely. He wanted to rescue her, to wrap her in his arms and never let go, never let the world touch her. He had wanted to be her savior. He had attempted to fill shoes that were impossible to fill. It was time for him to go, to pray for her from afar, to do the job the Lord had called him to do, and allow the Lord to be her healer.

  “Kayles, listen to me.” He gripped her hands and leaned forward, meeting her eyes. “Don’t for one second think I’m leaving you permanently. I’m going to do my job, and then I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “You can’t leave me. You can’t!”

  He stood and pulled her into his arms as she fought with all her strength. How would he get them through this?

  “You’re doing it again. I need you. Don’t you get that? How can you?”

  “It’s my job, Kaylan. I thought you understood. I thought we’d moved past this.”

  “Why now?” She continued to push against him until he released her and grabbed her arms. “Let go.”

  “No, I won’t let go. I want to be with you. Without a doubt. I won’t let go, Kaylan. You are too important. Do you hear me?” He shook her, and she stilled. “You are what I want, Kayles. More than the SEALs, more than my search for my parents. You, Kayles.” His eyes misted.

  He rested his forehead on hers and wished he could kiss her. All that was in his heart poured out, his voice a husky whisper, and she unwillingly leaned into him like a magnet that couldn’t ignore the pull to its counterpart. “But I need to go. I have a duty, and more than anything, you need to turn back to the God who can heal. I can’t be your savior, Kayles. But I would give anything in my life to fix this.”

  She froze and shoved hard, stumbling as he released her in shock. The tears that had pooled in her eyes solidified. She gritted her teeth.

  “You can’t fix it, and clearly God doesn’t want to. I lived. Eliezer lived. Sarah Beth died. It’s not fair. Go, Nick. I don’t want you here. Go!” She turned and ran back into the house.

  Nick turned to study the water. He was out of his element. There was something else going on, something deeper. He couldn’t leave things like this. Who was Eliezer? What else had happened in Haiti to turn Kaylan from depressed to bitter? He dug out his phone. He would find out now, today, before he left. Then he would talk to Kaylan again.

  Scrolling through his list of contacts, he located the number for Rhonda’s clinic. He tapped the number on the screen, praying the phone line had been restored. To his astonishment, he was rewarded with the sound of a distant phone ringing.

  Rhonda picked up. “Hope Clinic.” She sounded tired, harassed. Nick could only imagine what she had lived through—continued to live through—since the earthquake a few weeks before.

  “Rhonda, I know you’re busy. Is Abe there? It’s urgent.” After a minute Abraham’s tenor voice greeted Nick, and Nick quickly explained the reason for his call.

  Abraham’s thick accent rang in his ear. “Nick, I am sorry, but I cannot tell you what is wrong. You must talk to Kaylan about what happened.”

  Nick groaned in frustration at Abraham’s suggestion. With his imminent departure, he had to speed up collecting information. The only way he knew how was to talk to those who had survived the earthquake with Kaylan.

  “Abe, she won’t talk. She doesn’t laugh. She doesn’t cry. And who’s Eliezer? What happened with him? When she says his name she looks . . . ”

  “Frightened?”

  “Yeah. What reason would she have to be frightened?” Kaylan was probably in her room. He turned to look up at her window from where he stood in the driveway. Wind gently whistled through the trees and sent a shiver down his spine.

  “Eliezer is the local voodoo priest, very rooted in the old ways. He detests believers and Americans and did not like Kaylan and Sarah Beth sharing Jesus. He got angry. Blamed her and our God for the earthquake and for Sarah Beth dying.” He tapered off, and Nick gripped the phone, straining to hear over the static. “I never thought she would believe him, but she has, has she not? That is why you are calling.”

  Nick closed his eyes. “Yes, Abe. I think she believed him.”

  “Nick, my people have experienced much heartache. This is bad, but we will overcome. All is not lost. People are broken and beaten, but people are coming to church, asking to know more of God. Stories pour in daily of those saved under the rubble. We are knocked down and shaken, but not defeated. We have hope. Please, tell Kaylan.”

  “I’ll tell her. Pray it breaks through. I’m not sure she’ll believe me unless she sees it for herself.”

  “Then let her see it. Let her help. Let her heal. She worked after the earthquake to save people. Maybe she should again. She has the heart of a warrior, the desire to deny herself and help others. You removed her from the only place she could fight how she felt. Tell her, Nick. Help her see she still has purpose. She lives. She is strong. There is still hope.”

  “Thank you, Abe. I’m praying for you. Maybe I can talk Kaylan into going back to help in a few months.”

  “All in good time, my friend.”

  Nick hung up the phone, feeling the strangest mixture of hope and despair, like water and oil attempting to mix. They churned in his heart. He understood . . . but he didn’t. How could he encourage Kaylan to go back to the place where her world was shattered? Even if he could talk her into it, should he?

  I know You never left her, Lord, but this seems pretty hopeless. You’ll have to make this very clear, because I won’t encourage her to go unless You tell me to.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  YOUNG MAN, YOU look like you are carrying the weight of the world.” Nick whirled, frustrated he hadn’t heard Pap enter. After a subdued family dinner, Kaylan had gone on a walk with Micah, and Nick had retreated to the sunroom to think and pray. The sun had set, and the room rested in murky, black shadows.

  “Just a lot to think about, sir.”

  “I imagine. Micah told me you are leaving tomorrow.” Pap lowered himself to the couch and patted the seat next to him. Nick sank into the cushions on the wicker furniture, feeling more exhausted than he had in a long time.

  “You know, David whittled this for me.” Pap extended his
cane for Nick to see. “Look at the intricate knife-work, the detail and precision. It was a labor of love. But you know, each detail took time and effort.” Pap rubbed his hands over the smooth wood. “This used to be an ugly, disproportionate piece of wood. It was uprooted and knocked off its parent tree. David took it, invested in it, and made it something beautiful. A treasure. One-of-a-kind.”

  “I don’t have time. I’ve run out.”

  “Takes time to fashion something beautiful out of what has been broken. And it’s not ultimately your job. The only One who can heal and refashion something this beautiful is the Creator.”

  “I just want to fix it and make it better. I want to be here for her. I made a promise.” He raked his hair in frustration. “I’m letting her down. I can’t fight this.” Pap rapped Nick’s shin with the cane, causing it to sting. “What was that for?”

  “Come on, son. Have you told her yet?”

  “Told her what?”

  “Told her you love her? That you want to be with her?”

  “I can’t tell her that yet. Not when she’s like this.”

  “Talk to her again. Reassure her, and then go do your job. She isn’t thinking straight. Let her run to the only One who can fix what is broken. He knows her better than you, and He understands. You see, He was with her in the earthquake, even though she thinks He has forgotten her.” Pap’s eyes bore into Nick’s, a silent challenge lurking in their depths. “And right now, she doesn’t need you to play God.”

  The words stung. He could be her knight in shining armor, but only when she knew the King had her best interest at heart. The best thing he could do for her was leave. There was a distinct possibility that it would break his heart, and . . .

  “What if she doesn’t forgive me?”

  “Well, that’s not in your control, either. Son, do you believe that the God who created you, got you through SEAL training and a deployment, and brought Kaylan into your life is capable of getting you two together at the right time? He’s a big God. Why did He allow the earthquake? Why did He allow Sarah Beth to die? Why is Haiti in shambles, without the means to recover fully? I don’t know, but I do know the reports I’ve heard of people coming to the Lord, of others coming together and giving. Big things are happening in the wake of a big disaster. I won’t pretend to understand why God allowed it to happen. But this God who is big enough to move the earth and unite cultures is big enough to heal Kaylan and heal you.”