Shaken

by Kariss Lynch

  Nick squirmed like a fish caught on a hook. Had he limited God to his own capabilities? He hadn’t trusted the Lord in this situation. He had prayed for wisdom, for the Lord to work through him, for Kaylan to heal, but he hadn’t prayed that the Lord would have His way.

  “I see you have more to think about. Gran and I are leaving. Be careful, son. We’ll be praying. Pray for Kaylan, and leave her in the capable hands of the God who has her wrapped in His arms, even though she can’t feel Him right now.”

  Nick stood and shook Pap’s hand, loving the man. “Thank you, sir. Thank you for the family you invest in.”

  “You’re as good as family.” He hobbled to the door and paused. “Son, have you looked into your birth parents anymore?”

  The question caught Nick off guard. “No, sir. We’ve been training, and then everything happened with Kaylan. It’s on the back burner until all this is resolved.”

  “I have a lot of connections. People in powerful places with access to records. I may be able to help when you’re ready.”

  Red flags waved in Nick’s mind at the way Pap studied him. He knew something he wasn’t saying. “I’ll take you up on that. Thank you.”

  Nick turned back to the windows and the blackness permeating outside. He opened the door and walked down onto the dock. The late January night chilled him. Outside the city lights, a few stars blinked. Nick loved the night. It was his time to thrive as a frogman. Nights in the desert on a mission had left him gazing at the stars.

  “Lord, Your Word says You know each star by name, which means You see Kaylan and me and the people of Haiti. Please, Father, do big things here. Give me the courage to let go and trust that if this is right, You’ll bring us back together at the right time.”

  In his weariness, he felt a measure of peace. The knots in his heart released, and he walked back to the house to pack and get ready for bed. He needed to sleep, or he would be worthless on the upcoming mission. Hopefully he would have one last chance to talk to Kaylan before he left. Meanwhile, he released the happenings in Alabama into the hands of a good God.

  Screaming pierced the dark, and Nick slapped the night stand for his gun before he realized where he was. Micah crouched low on the floor as another cry sounded and a door slammed.

  “Kaylan,” they said together. She had come back from her walk with Micah in a relatively peaceful mood but quickly retreated to her room for the night, exhaustion and depression still constant enemies. Apparently her body’s need to sleep was no match for the nightmares.

  Nick hit the floor at a dead sprint with Micah on his heels and slid in front of Kaylan’s door. The sound of crying and glass breaking continued for seconds before all fell still.

  “Go slow, Bulldog. We don’t need to startle her anymore.”

  Micah pushed the door open and hit the lights. The lamp lay on the floor along with a broken picture frame.

  “Kayles? Where are you?”

  “Sis?”

  “Hide! You have to hide. It’s happening again.”

  Nick crept to the closet in his bare feet, careful to avoid the glass. The sight broke his heart. Kaylan sat curled in a fetal position in the corner of her closet, clothes hanging around her head. She rocked back and forth, tears streaming down her face.

  “Bulldog, go get your mom.”

  David and Seth tore into the room and stopped to survey the damage. Nick studied the flickering emotions playing on their faces in rapid fire succession. Shock. Pain. Grim acceptance. Helplessness. They needed to feel useful.

  “David, can you get something to clean up the glass? Seth, we may be up for a bit. Can you start some coffee?”

  They both nodded and ran from the room.

  Nick crept into the closet slowly and folded himself into the corner with Kaylan.

  “Sarah Beth?”

  “Kaylan, honey, you gotta wake up. Sarah Beth’s not here.”

  “Hold my hand. She wanted me to hold her hand.”

  Nick linked their fingers. They were cold and trembling.

  “She was so cold. I’m cold now. She . . . she was twisted. It kept shaking. Wouldn’t stop shaking. Why won’t it stop? Everyone screamed and wailed. People, so many people. Blood, dust. I couldn’t breathe. No fresh air. We told stories. She coughed up blood. I couldn’t move the rock. No matter what I tried. I couldn’t stand, only crawl. I didn’t want to leave her. Why does everything keep shaking? Sarah Beth?”

  “Kaylan, she’s not here. Are you awake? Let’s get you out of this closet.”

  She panicked and clutched at his bare chest. “No, everything will fall out there. We can’t leave. We’re safe in here. We can’t leave.” Her voice rose, and Nick feared she would start screaming, her mind trapped in the earthquake.

  Her parents came into view, along with Micah. Nick tried to stand, but Kaylan clung to him, her strength flowing from a place of panic.

  “Don’t leave me. You have to hold my hand. I don’t want to die. You have to hold my hand. It’s not safe.”

  Her words pierced him like machine gun fire. She wasn’t just frightened of the shaking or reliving the deaths of her friends and countless others. She saw herself dead. His stomach churned. Her knuckles were white in his. With his new understanding, his priority shifted. He needed her to wake up and snap out of this flashback. There was only one way to do that.

  “Mrs. Richards, can you go turn on the shower? Make it as hot as you can get it without burning her. Micah and Mr. Richards, can you move anything that might break or be in the way? I’m going to have to carry her out of here, and she may fight me the whole way.”

  Kaylan whimpered now: “All my fault, all my fault.”

  He pulled her close and felt a tear slip down his chest. “Baby, we’re gonna get you past this. But I need you to come back to me. Wake up.” He avoided shaking her and instead kissed the top of her head.

  “They didn’t get to us in time. Rock kept shifting. The ceiling was too close. They tried. I tried. Sarah Beth was white. Her body. Oh, God, she was so hurt. I didn’t have any medicine. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t save her. Why didn’t God save her? She was so good. She braided Sophia’s hair and played soccer with Reuben. She loved the women.” Her voice cracked, and a tear splashed onto his hand. She was crying. Finally, she was crying. “Why? Sarah Beth . . . why not me?”

  “Nick, the water’s ready.”

  “Mrs. Richards, I’m going to need your help. Is everything moved?”

  “Yeah, Hawk, you’re good to go,” Micah answered for his mom.

  Nick gritted his teeth. He wasn’t sure how she would handle this, but he had to do it. In one quick movement, he was up. Flinging her arm over his shoulder, he lifted her from the ground. As soon as he exited the closet, she began to kick and shout. She closed her eyes against the light.

  “Put me down. It’s not safe. It’s not safe. I won’t leave her. Sarah Beth! Take me back.”

  Nick walked into the bathroom and stepped into the large, open shower with Kaylan as Mrs. Richards held the glass door. Kaylan’s eyes flew open as water hit her face. She shivered, and tears intermixed with the water. Steam rose around them.

  “Kayles, are you awake?” He cupped her face with his hands, studying her eyes as they struggled to process her surroundings.

  “Nick.” She covered his hands with her own and glanced around the shower and then at her mom through the open door. “Mom.”

  “Honey, it was just a bad dream. I’m so sorry.”

  Kaylan’s eyes flew back to Nick’s. “It was so awful, Nick. I was there, and I could hear you, but I couldn’t leave. It was like I was stuck in that building with Sarah Beth.” Her eyes pooled. He thanked the Lord that she was awake and coherent. “I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re seeing me like this. I’m so sorry.” He hugged her, accepted the towel from Mrs. Richards, and slipped through the glass doors.

  “Ma’am, I’m sorry I had to do that. She may need your help. She’s still a little hysterical and c
onfused. The flashback is still close to the surface. Tell her to work out the tension in her shoulders with the hot water. The guys have coffee ready downstairs when she’s ready.”

  “Thank you, Nick. I don’t know what she would do without you.” She kissed his wet cheek, and for a moment he missed his own mother.

  “I’m sorry this is happening,” he told her.

  “She’s tough. She’s going to get through this. Now go get cleaned up and let me take care of my daughter.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Nick slipped into dry clothes and prayed Kaylan would be ready to talk when he got downstairs. There would be no sleep tonight. He wasn’t sure how to heal this precious woman he loved, but if she could find the strength to get through this, then so could he.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  KAYLAN SAT ALONE in the sunroom. She felt warmer—a subtle chill still remained, but it was an improvement from the cold that had permeated her bones like frost since coming home from Haiti. The family had gone back to bed after she reassured them that she was better and just wanted to stay up and watch the sunrise alone. Nick was somewhere in the house, probably showering and preparing to leave. She knew he was going to do his job, but she felt abandoned. She craved stability, and she wanted Nick as part of that, but his job didn’t allow it.

  This was the first sunrise she had seen since her return home. She felt no joy, no new beginning, just loss. Dim light appeared over the tree line, but no color. She wished the darkness would remain a while longer. She wasn’t ready for the morning. She had cried and cried and cried. The release felt wonderful and awful, like a dam had finally burst but now wouldn’t stop gushing water. She didn’t want the physical reminder of her pain.

  “Hey, beautiful, can I watch the sunrise with you?” Nick joined her on the wicker loveseat.

  His warm, low voice infiltrated her nightmares. She had wanted to reach for it, but to leave the Haiti of her nightmares meant to leave Sarah Beth again. But, just like Stevenson and Abe, Nick had pulled her from the darkness kicking and screaming. She couldn’t escape the pain. Water could wash away blood, chase away nightmares, but it could never erase scars. Hers festered, still raw.

  “Feel better?” He ran his hands through her wavy, wet hair, and she leaned into his open arm.

  “I’m tired.”

  “Go back to sleep.”

  She let the silence settle. “I fell asleep. After the quake. I woke up and panicked. I had to wake Sarah Beth. I was scared she was already gone. Her hands felt like ice. I kept giving her water, wiping away the blood, but it kept coming. It was a sick, horrible nightmare. When she was gone, I couldn’t believe it.”

  “Kaylan, I know you don’t think I understand, but I do. More than you realize.”

  “No one gets this, Nick. You took me away from all the people who would understand.” She wished there was a way to help. Anything would be better than the daily pain. In Haiti she’d grown numb, unable to feel because there were still people trapped, other Sarah Beths still needing help, water, healing, hope. Here, she was helpless, with too much time to think, too much time to remember, in places and with people who made the memories vividly alive.

  She’d given her heart to Haiti and been betrayed. She’d given her heart to Sarah Beth and been abandoned. She’d given her heart to Nick . . . she didn’t realize it until now, and he was breaking it, betraying it, and abandoning her. This was almost worse than Sarah Beth dying, almost worse than the earthquake. The one she pinned her hopes on was leaving . . . again.

  “Kaylan, look at me. I understand your nightmares and flashbacks. I know what you live with. I have nightmares and flashbacks, as well. I wrestle with men I lost, with those I couldn’t help, with two buddies who died right in front of me. I see them. I relive the moments in too much detail.”

  She studied him. How had she missed this? What else did she not know?

  “I know what it’s like to lose a loved one, a friend. I lost both of my parents, although not to something as shattering as an earthquake.”

  She shuddered. That word had the ability to shake her all over again. It should be excommunicated from the English language.

  Silence engulfed them. He understood in part, but she wasn’t sure she could tell him the rest. She couldn’t discuss Eliezer. To say his name, to talk about him, would be to invite him into her home, put substance to her fear, her guilt. It was still her fault Sarah Beth had died. Maybe if she had chosen to stay home, Sarah Beth would have stayed too. Maybe if they hadn’t come home from work early to take a nap, she would have lived. The sky above the distant tree line tinged a light pink.

  “Sarah Beth’s favorite color was pink.”

  “You’ve told me.”

  “She was like a little kid in a woman’s body. She loved life, Nick.” The snake reared its ugly head again. “It’s not fair that she’s gone. Why her and not me? She wanted to be there.”

  “Kaylan, don’t ever say that again. Sarah Beth wouldn’t have wanted that for you either. You wanted to be there too. God wasn’t playing favorites. It was just her turn.”

  Tears flowed again, and she swiped them away. She needed to get a grip.

  “It’s okay to cry, Kayles.”

  “No, it’s not. I don’t want to cry in front of you anymore.”

  Nick pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back.

  “I know you have an assignment. But what happens if I never see you again?”

  Nick wished he could promise her everything would be all right. He wished he could reassure her of the safety of the mission, just routine training. No reason to worry. But the world was crazy, as she had discovered. He couldn’t control whether or not he came back alive or draped in a flag-covered box any more than he could control the weather.

  “You’ll get through. Your family will be here. Time will pass. Life will keep going.” He talked almost mechanically while his mind raced. Should he tell her she should go back to Haiti? He shuddered at the thought. Not now, Lord. Please, not me, and not now.

  Her soft voice sliced through his prayer. “Life is unbearable enough without Sarah Beth. What would it be like if you didn’t come home?”

  Her words sank in, stopping the roar of his thoughts. He smiled. “So, I rank now, huh? Does that mean you’re officially my girl?”

  He’d caught her off guard, and his smile deepened, but she needed to know he was sticking around in a permanent way.

  “You promised you would be here.”

  “I have a job, Kaylan. A job that is more than a nine-to-five workday. It’s a calling to me. I’m asking you now to believe in my calling as I believed in yours to go to Haiti. This isn’t a permanent leave. I’m not running away. How can I hold my head up if I ignore my commitments?”

  “Any other time, I would accept that answer, but I need you. Can’t you ask for more time? They can take someone else.”

  “Kaylan, my team needs me. And you don’t right now.”

  “Yes, I do. I can’t do this without you.”

  “That’s what you think. Babe, I think I’ve moved from the place of heroic knight to savior king, and I can’t be that. The Lord has to be your everything before I can help you anymore.”

  “He doesn’t care.”

  He couldn’t argue with her. Wouldn’t. He lifted the cedar box full of letters onto his lap. He would save the necklace for later.

  Her eyes grew wide and her tone softened again. Her hand flew to her mouth. “Where? How?”

  “I went to Rhonda’s house. I saw what happened.”

  “But this was under my bed. Why would you go in there? Why would you do that? The rubble was unstable. It could have shifted and killed you.”

  “Kaylan, to help you, I needed to see what you lived through. I wasn’t in the earthquake, but I saw its aftermath.”

  “You saw, didn’t you? You saw where she died.”

  “I saw it all.”

  Silent tears poured down her face again, and she ran her hands over the top of
the box. “I thought I lost this.”

  “I loved getting your letters. Maybe if you write to me while I’m gone and keep them for me here, it will feel like I never left. It’s good to get your thoughts on paper. Since I can’t tell you where I’m going anyway, you can just send them to me when I get back.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her close. Her tears soaked his shirt. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

  It broke his heart to break contact. He had to leave. He kissed her neck, her cheek, her forehead, seeking to comfort, though who he was comforting was unclear. He knew if the circumstances were different, she wouldn’t be this desperate for him to stay. “I’ll come see you when I get back.”

  “Nick, please.”

  He leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “The Lord never left you, Kaylan. He loves you more than I ever could. He is good, even in this.”

  She stiffened, and he pulled her arms from his neck, rising to leave before he changed his mind. “Bye, babe.”

  “Where’s God’s goodness in this?” Her whisper, dripping with bitterness, reached him outside the door, and he stopped as if his feet were cemented to the floor. He almost turned around, but he couldn’t. Clenching his fists, he put one foot in front of the other, forcefully removing himself from the equation. Only God could help her now. He’d been the only One who could accomplish it all along.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  THE STEADY HUM of men preparing for battle greeted Nick and Micah as they reached the team building in Coronado after a long day of travel. It was a familiar sound to Nick. As much as he and Micah loved the brotherhood of SEAL Team 5, serving with Support Activity 1 allowed him to lead and gave them autonomy. They received a mission, executed, and returned home to their place on SEAL Team 5. Fewer guys served with Support Activity, but he respected the relationship they had to build in a short amount of time. Ten guys checked weapons, boats, communication equipment, and radios throughout the room in a calm, controlled manner. Jokes and insults flew in the quiet rhythm of a team who fought and played in sync.