Chocolate Reality

by Steena Holmes

  “So you were still in love with that Richard guy from school, is that what you are really saying? I thought you got over him. Why wouldn’t you tell me this before now? I’m your father. I’ll love you no matter what, you know that.” There was a wrenching sound to my father’s voice as he told me he loved me.

  I took a deep sigh and raised my head.

  “I just didn’t want to disappoint you Dad.” I whispered to him.

  My father appeared to be choked up for a few moments.

  “Ah, Wynne, honey – you will never be a disappointment to me.” He said as he took my hand in his and lightly rubbed it.

  So this is how receiving a father’s love feels. Like you are surrounded by warmth, acceptance and love. Knowing that no matter what, that love will never change. Almost like a little girl who climbs up into her daddy’s lap, knowing that she will always receive love from her daddy.

  I have always been a bit fearful of what it would feel like once my dad found out the truth about the cancelled wedding. I thought he would be so disappointed in me, that he would lose his trust in me. Just the thought always hurt me to the core. Perhaps that is why I have been so willing to live in the past, in my dreams and not face reality. Once I stood up and decided to face what happened and move on, then I would have to accept the truth of my actions. Perhaps I’ve never been able to really forgive myself, and thus placing part of that blame on God because it was just easier. It is easier to live in the ‘what if’ instead of living in today and embracing it.

  While I was silently contemplating this new thought I could hear my father talk under his breathe.

  “So your mother isn’t that much of a nutcase after all then.”

  “Pardon me?” I asked him.

  “Hmm, oh nothing honey, just talking to myself.” he replied.

  With that my dad stood up, drank the last bit of his coffee and prepared to leave.

  “Now you just remember what you promised me. I think you’ll find that you may just like your mystery man after all” he chuckled as he drew me into a hug.

  I felt a bit puzzled and I’m sure I had the facial expressions to show it, but dad just gave me a quick wave and left the store whistling a tune.

  I could hear Heather come up behind me.

  “What was that about?” she asked me.

  “I have no idea.” I confessed to her, still feeling a bit puzzled.

  “One minute everything was serious, and then the next he’s chuckling and saying weird things about my mom. Don’t ask me.” I said to her in reply to her questioning gaze.

  “Sometimes I wonder about your family” was Heather’s answer to me as she shook her head.

  I just stuck my tongue out at her.

  “It takes one to know one,” was my sassy reply.

  “And wouldn’t you know.” Heather shot back at me while grabbing my hand. She quickly tugged me back into the chair that I had just vacated and pushed me down.

  “Now, before another person enters this store, I want to hear about that email.” Heather demanded as she stood above me with her hands on her hips.

  “Someone’s getting a wee bit pushy, aren’t they?” I asked her with a smile on my lips.

  “Wynne.” Heather growled at me.

  “All right, All right, sit down and I’ll let you in on what he said.” I said soothingly to her in hopes to placate her.

  As I proceeded to tell Heather all that Richard had written to me, we had two customers come into the store. Heather quickly looked up and told the ladies that we would be with them soon, and then made me finish my story. Amidst her little squeals when I told her what he wrote and her little giggles when I confessed my extra need for chocolate when I sent my reply, I managed to get the whole story out in time to speak to the customers that continued to arrive despite the amount of snow that continued to add up on the piles already formed on the ground.

  Time to put on more coffee and get the Christmas music started.

  Chapter 12

  Why is it you never realize you’re having a crazy day until the day is basically over? With all the morning mishaps and busyness, I should have clued in that the day would not get any better, no matter how much chocolate one consumes.

  Thankfully the store stayed quite busy during the morning, so I didn’t have time to ponder on my father’s bizarre behavior and request. Nor was I able to focus on the party at all. With less than a month to Christmas I can’t seem to keep my shelves stocked. My goal is to give people ideas apart from the normal bath towels, kitchen gadgets and plates. Instead they come into Chocolate Blessings and find an assortment of wall décor, interesting table pieces, one of a kind ornaments and handmade items.

  I love to watch the customers, as they will casually pursue the shelves until they find the one item that just catches their eye. They will stop and gasp, tentatively reach out to stroke the item, look it over and cradle it in the palm of their hand. When I see the contented gazes on their face, then I am happy. Today, I saw that look so many times that I felt I was floating on air. We ran out of roses that we give to each customer before lunch. When Lily came in for her afternoon shift I quickly ran to the florist beside us and bought more roses as well as a couple arrangements to place throughout the store. This time I managed not to slip and fall.

  Right after lunch Jude and Stacey came into the store. You could just see that these two were a couple in love. With all the loving glances, little touches and the fact that they stuck to each other’s side like glue; one would have to be blind not to notice. The ring on Stacey’s left hand also showed this to be a fact. The way it would sparkle and shine when she moved her hand, and the ‘oh and ah’ you could hear from all those who noticed, just another signal that love was in the air.

  “Stacey.” I called out to her while the pair slowly walked over to the counter.

  “You just hurry over here and let me see that ring.” I demanded when she kept taking her time. What woman doesn’t want to ogle an engagement ring, especially when that woman happens to be single?

  “Wynne. Isn’t it gorgeous?” Stacey gushed to me while extending her arm so her ring was right in front of my face. Honestly, she could have kept the ring at her side and I still would have seen the beauty of it.

  “That is gorgeous.” I exclaimed as I took her hand and carefully looked at her ring. WOW. Gorgeous doesn’t even describe it.

  “Yep, Jude outdid himself, that’s for sure.” she said as she took her hand back and twirled it around in the air.

  When Jude proposed to me, he gave me his grandmother’s heirloom ring with the promise that he would buy me a ring deserving of his love later on. I was happy with the heirloom. I of course returned it after we called our wedding off, and at times I still remember how it looked, so regal and full of history. But this ring, it is definitely a bad-a-bing type of ring. A pear diamond, surrounded by tiny diamonds, on a sparking gold band. Very beautiful, and I have to admit, the sight of it is making me a little jealous.

  “Really Jude, that is a beautiful ring.” I said to him as others in the store began to surround the pair to gaze at its beauty.

  I stand there watching as Stacey shows off her ring, and notice after a few moments Jude coming towards me.

  “Um, Wynne,” Jude shuffles his feet.

  “Hey, that is beautiful, and she deserves it” I said to him, hoping to get rid of the awkward feeling between us.

  “Thanks. Listen, about Friday night, I just want to say thank you. I know that this isn’t the ideal situation, but you’ve really outdone yourself on planning this for us.” Jude said to me as he twiddles with his thumbs.

  “Um, Wynne,” this time he twisted his hands together.

  “Yes” I answered. Obviously he has something to say, so I’ll be nice and not interrupt him.

  “Wynne, your dad came by this morning to see me. He told me that he needed to apologize to me. I thought we had agreed not to tell anyone about what happened, especially our parents? I’m not
upset, but the least you could have done was warn me. My mom heard us talking, and now she wants to have a talk with me.” Jude told me in an agitated voice. Good to see I’m not the only one who cowers before his mom.

  “Oh Jude, I’m sorry.” I said to him.

  “I didn’t even think about warning you. I had no idea that he would even say anything to you. It just came out this morning. I didn’t want him to blame you anymore for something that wasn’t even your fault.” I confessed to him.

  “It’s all right, it was just a bit awkward. I mean, your dad apologized to me when really it should have been me apologizing to him.” Jude stated.

  “Jude, we’ve already been through this. It’s out of the bag now. I had to tell my dad, you’re going to have to deal with your mom. Although I wouldn’t wish that on my neighbor’s dead cat. It’s in the past, history, lets not rehash this again, okay?”

  I’m tired of dealing with all this. I feel like I’ve been rung inside out with dealing with all the emotional baggage towards my dad, God and myself. Enough is enough.

  “Plus, about tomorrow – really it’s no big deal. There are enough people involved with this now, that it really isn’t me putting on this party for you and Stacey, it has basically become a church event. So the people you need to thank are those that loved you and taught you about Jesus your whole life.” I told him.

  “Are you sure?” Jude asked.

  “Absolutely positive. Now go and stand beside your fiancé before she notices that you are gone.” I told him as I pushed him away with my hands.

  “So you’re really doing okay?” I hear a voice behind me say.

  I literally jumped and gave a quiet little shriek.

  “Augh. Heather. Do you have to sneak up behind people like that?” I swat her arm.

  “In order to get the truth in a timely fashion with you, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.” Heather replied saucily to me as she swatted me back.

  “Don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop?” I replied.

  “When has that ever stopped me?” Heather asked.

  “Hmm, now that is true.” We both laughed.

  Lily came to take care of the counter, so Heather and I both grabbed a fresh cup of coffee and went to sit in the back office to chat. Much to my surprise, the office was already occupied.

  “Well hey there stranger.” I said to Matt.

  Matt had somehow managed to slip past me this morning without my even noticing. He looked happy as he sat back in the desk chair completely surrounded by mounds of paper and a half full cup of coffee.

  “Hey there. Guess Heather forgot to mention I was back here, eh?” he said to me as he gazed adoringly at his wife.

  “Are you having fun?” I asked him as I glanced down at the papers on the desk.

  “You betcha. We’re actually doing really well this month.” Matt informed me.

  I had completely forgotten, but today was Matt’s day to come in and work on the books, something that I just dread having to do. It does feel good though to hear Matt tell me how good we are doing, something I know in my heart, but now it’s on paper.

  “I’ve noticed that we’re getting a little bit low on stock. I transferred a bunch of money into the PayPal account. Do you think you could do some quick ordering from your crafty ladies?” Matt asked me as he motioned with his arm the depleting stock that we have sitting on the shelves behind him.

  “With planning the party, I guess I got behind a bit. Sorry. I don’t think it will be a problem. I’m expecting a box to come any day with some great Christmas items and more candles. I’ll definitely order some more tonight though.” I said to him as I began to peek in the boxes to see what we have left to stock shelves with.

  I glanced up to find Heather sitting on her husbands lap. She was whispering something in his ear. Just as I was about to make a comment to them on their coziness, Matt interrupted me.

  “I think I’ll run and grab us some lunch. You ladies have a good chat and please make sure you’re done by the time I get back. I’ll bring back some Chinese food if you behave yourselves” Matt promised as he began to zip up his jacket and walk towards the door.

  “What did you say to him?” I asked her as we both sat down.

  “Oh, just that we needed to have a girly chat and that I was craving some Chinese food.” She said to me with a wink. Since being married, I’ve noticed that Matt and Heather seem to have their own personal language that I don’t understand at all.

  “So what were the magic words, girly chat or Chinese food?” I asked her.

  Heather just laughed at me.

  “So, are you really doing okay?” she asked me, ignoring my earlier question.

  That was the hint that it’s time for some serious talk now. I take a sip of coffee and lay my heart bare before her.

  “Yes, Heather. I really and truly am doing okay now. I’ve been having some real heart to heart discussions with God, dealing with a lot of garbage that was buried inside. I think admitting to my dad what happened with Jude really helped this morning. When my dad told me that he would never be disappointed in me, it was like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I believe it also opened up a section of my heart that I’ve been hiding from God as well.” I told her.

  “Wow. That’s great. You know whenever our Pastor talks about the Father’s Love on Sundays, he often mentions that our views of God as our Father, or Abba come from our relationships with our earthly fathers.” Heather reminded me in an encouraging way.

  “I know. I thought of that as well. It’s so true Heather. I used to think that there was a difference; that we could separate the two if we really wanted, but I don’t think that is possible in our hearts. How we respond and react with our own dads really does control how we respond to God as our heavenly father. I realized that this morning." I admitted to her.

  "Don't forget the fact that you received an email from a good looking dream guy. That always helps to heal the heart." Heather said to me with a huge smile on her face.

  "Hmm, we mustn't forget that." I said to her tongue in cheek. She knows me so well.

  "Speaking of a handsome dream guy, did you dream about him last night by any chance?" Heather asked me with a sly gleam in her eye.

  "No. Isn't that funny? I thought for sure I would, especially after receiving his email. But it was just a deep, peaceful sleep for me last night." I’d never even noticed my dreamless sleep this morning.

  "Hmmm, I wonder what that means?"

  "Oh you." I said to her, knowing she was just trying to tease me. I could tell Heather had more on her mind, but thankfully Matt knocked on the door and poked his head in at the perfect time.

  "Is it safe to enter now? I brought goodies." Matt said as he waved a bag of Chinese food in the air.

  "Hmmm, lunch time. You can enter in anytime as long as you come bearing food." I called out to him.

  I glance over at Heather in time to see her give a little pout and then glance quickly back at Matt and see him give a little shrug. Hmm, I wonder what is going on between these two?

  After a delicious lunch of chicken fried rice, chicken balls, beef stir fry and an egg roll, I decided to take the afternoon and work on replacing our depleting stock. Knowing that Lily would stay until closing, I felt fairly confident that I would be leaving the store in good hands. With teasing remarks to watch out for the snow, Heather and Matt both push me out. Heather's excuse was to check my email right away and to call her as soon as I hear back from Richard. Matt only wanted me out of the office so that I could order more stock.

  Watching carefully where I stepped on my way to the car, I found myself wishing that Richard had written me back already. I felt like a silly little schoolgirl waiting to receive her first love note from a boy; giddy and foolish. I loved this feeling; it was new yet felt comfortable, like an old pair of sneakers. I had no idea where this feeling was going to lead me, but I really hope I could be like Dorothy following the yellow brick road.

 
When I arrived home I immediately got into comfort mode. Fresh pot of coffee brewing, comfy pants and sweater with my hair pulled back. After searching everywhere for my slippers I looked for a trail that the kittens like to create with their findings. I’ve noticed with Cocoa and Jewel that they have created their very own treasure chest amongst the many boxes in my bedroom closet.

  If there is an item I cannot find, it is almost guaranteed that it will be in this chest they created. There is an old shoebox that I kept full of little things that bring back memories for me. I keep a shell that I found at the beach once. I love the sound of soothing waves, seagulls flying overhead. It’s a very peaceful feeling for me, and so I keep this shell to remind me of that sense of peace. There are also beads from a broken necklace that my first best friend from grade school bought me. Little things like that.

  Apparently the kittens have also decided to claim this box as their own. I find socks, shoelaces, washcloths, and cotton balls in there. It appears that today their newest find is my slipper. I walk into my room calling out the kittens’ names. I can hear a slight meowing. Opening my closet door I find one kitten curled up in a ball inside my slipper and the other is lying on top of the foot part. Adorable. Not adorable enough for me to forgo wearing my slippers though.

  Seated at my computer to start ordering items for the store, I find myself eagerly opening up my inbox to see if I have any new messages awaiting me. Sure enough the message that I was hoping for has arrived. I can feel the flutters begin to happen in my stomach, my heartbeat starts racing and I begin to feel very nervous. What will he say? How will he respond to my message? What will happen next? I find myself taking a deep breath.