by Seton, Cora
Austin wasn’t sure he followed. He couldn’t see how Halpern could be right, either. His parents were best friends, wholly and totally in love throughout his childhood. His mother had never said a word against his father after he was gone, either.
“It was a long time ago—the year your parents got married. They’d been serious for a while, but your father hadn’t popped the question. He was a little spooked about tying the knot. You see, he’d never left Montana, and neither had your mother. I think it occurred to him that once they settled down and started a family, they never would, and maybe the walls felt like they were closing in. I don’t know. Regardless, he started acting up. Got good and drunk a few times. Started a fight at the Boot that got out of control and caused more than a thousand dollars of damage. Then he and Art Caulfield decided to drag race one Saturday night. Right down Main Street. It was about three in the morning. The whole gang had been out drinking and dancing and wanted the fun to go on even when the Boot shut down for the night. Someone had a few cases of beer in their truck bed. They continued the party in the Stop-N-Shop parking lot, and then Aaron challenged Art to a race. The winner owed the loser a hundred bucks.”
Halpern’s gaze had grown distant and Austin could tell he had gone back in time with his memories.
“The rest of the party moved to the finish line to call the race. Your mother tried to stop it—she was the only sober one in the bunch—but when she realized those boys wouldn’t listen to her, she waited at the finish line too, determined to force your father to take her home the minute the race was over. They were about halfway down the stretch when the police showed up. Your dad panicked.”
Austin waited for the rest, although he could guess at it.
“He lost control of his truck, swerved off the road, nearly took out the whole crowd standing on the sidewalk. Missed them by inches, but hit your mother—a glancing hit, not head on. Still, it knocked her to the ground pretty hard.”
Austin shook his head. He didn’t believe it. He would know about something like that.
“Ask anyone in town over the age of fifty. It’s common knowledge. What isn’t known is the rest of the story.” Halpern steepled his fingers together. “By rights I shouldn’t tell you this part since it’s your mother’s story to tell, and I wouldn’t tell it if I didn’t think you really needed to hear these words today.”
Austin wanted him to stop. He didn’t want to hear what was coming.
“Your mother was pregnant with Mason at the time. No one knew it but her—not even your father. The truth came out when she was taken to the hospital. She had some bleeding and it was touch and go there for a little while. They thought she might lose the baby. When your father found out, he was inconsolable. Absolutely heartbroken. He’d nearly killed the woman he loved. He might have killed their child. You have never seen a man so overcome with remorse. I worried he might do himself a harm and I wasn’t alone in that. Your Great Aunt Heloise took charge of him and didn’t let him out of her sight for a minute after I got done with him. Say what you want about that meddling old woman.” Halpern smiled ruefully. “She’s not stupid and she gets the job done when it needs doing.”
In the ensuing silence, the ticking of a clock marked the passage of time. Austin knew how he’d feel if he’d hurt Ella. If he’d been the cause of her losing their baby…
“How…?” He couldn’t put his question into words, but the reverend understood what he was asking.
“How did your parents’ love for each other survive something like that? Your father wondered that, too. Once he found out Julie was all right he was as relieved as you can imagine, but that didn’t last long. He was grateful Julie and the baby were safe, but he figured she’d never want to see him again, and even if she did her parents would forbid it.” Halpern chuckled. “Your parents were of age, but your grandparents on your mother’s side can be pretty fierce.”
Austin nodded. These days they lived in Florida near his mother and aunt. He’d known them growing up; they could be awfully stern.
“Aaron told me later that when he finally got up the courage to go see her, his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest. He was right—her parents were there in the room, too. They refused to let him see Julie alone. But they weren’t there for the reason he thought. They were there to strongly urge the case for marriage.”
“Why didn’t they hate him? Why didn’t Grandpa nail him to a fence and start shooting?”
“Young people forget that old people were young once, too. Your grandpa knew Aaron would never drink and drive again—never race again, either. It was pretty clear he’d been scared straight. I think your grandpa thought that made him a safer bet for his daughter than any of the other young bucks who hadn’t messed up yet. Plus your parents were in love—anyone could see that. From the moment they reunited, Aaron treated Julie like something precious because he knew how close he’d come to losing her. When Mason came along, happy and healthy as anything, they both appreciated him because they knew how fragile a new life was. They appreciated every moment they had together, too, because they knew there were no guarantees how many moments they had left. They really had something special, Austin.”
“But…” Austin knew his case was different. He hadn’t been drunk or young or stupid. Well, maybe stupid.
But as Ella had said, maybe if he’d saved Donovan first, Edgars would have died. Was it okay to let the past go and focus on the future?
“People make mistakes,” Halpern said. “God forgives them. He asks us to forgive them, too. Don’t think you’re special, Austin. Don’t think you’re the one human being who doesn’t deserve a second chance.”
Austin couldn’t sit still another moment. Too much emotion was clogging his throat. He didn’t think he was special, but he didn’t think he believed in forgiveness or second chances, either, and all of this talk was dredging up feelings that he didn’t want to feel.
He didn’t remember getting to his feet, but just like before, Halpern’s parting words caught up with him as he strode out the door.
“I’ll be ready to officiate at your ceremony, Austin. I’ll call the ranch directly to make arrangements.”
Austin picked up the pace.
Chapter 27
‡
Her muscles were more defined than they’d been five weeks ago. As Ella stuck a pitchfork into the mass of straw and manure in the horse stall she was mucking out later that afternoon, her biceps tensed and rippled as if she were an athlete. She’d always stayed in shape—her career demanded it—but now she was stronger, leaner and had a healthy glow from the hours she spent in the sun.
Los Angeles seemed like a dream. So did her time with Anthony. Her long hours in the stables these days gave her plenty of time to sort through her memories and she had pinpointed in her mind when he’d pulled away from her and started to cheat with Kaylee. It was clear that it had gone on for a long time, which made her wonder why he hadn’t spoken up. He had footed the bill for most of the preparations for their wedding, and he wouldn’t have recouped any of it once she left town. Had he known breaking up with Ella would hurt his image? He must have wanted to wait until after he won his Best Actor award, even if it meant continuing to throw thousands of dollars at a ceremony he had no intention of going through with.
He did win Best Actor, too. That was the irony. Anthony and Kaylee had won the awards, but somehow Ella had won the public’s heart. Maybe Marianne was right. Maybe she should take advantage of it. After all, if Austin didn’t want her here, what was the point of studying equine therapy? She supposed she could buy her own ranch and her own horses, but it wouldn’t be the same. She’d be lonely for Regan and Mason, Camila and the Turners.
For Austin most of all.
If she couldn’t have this dream, maybe she should go back to Hollywood and put back on the cloak of her former self—maybe she should read through that script Marianne had sent.
She had hoped Austin might change his mind in time. S
he hadn’t felt this kind of connection with another person since… well since she’d first become friends with Marianne, before Marianne’s dreams took over both their lives. She was older now and wiser. Judging by the way she and Austin worked together, laughed together and made love together, she thought they could do just fine as partners in life together—if Austin would only let her in.
When she was done mucking out the stables, she returned to the bunkhouse for a quick shower before lunch, and was just stepping out of the bathroom when a chiming sound led her into the living room. Curious, she followed the sound to the sofa, where she found Austin’s phone tucked between the cushions, a sleek black rectangle that now chirped the news that a call was coming in. She picked it up and checked to see who it was.
Chase Edgars.
Why was that name familiar?
She answered the phone a moment later. Edgars was Austin’s army buddy—the one he’d saved.
“Hello?”
“Oh… hello. Is Austin Hall there?” The voice on the other end of the line was masculine and deep. A little hesitant.
“He’s out at the moment, but this is his wife. Can I take a message?”
“His wife? Really? Austin’s okay, then?” The man’s relief was obvious. Ella frowned.
“Yes, he’s okay. He left the military a few months ago. We’re in Montana now—on his family’s old ranch. You served with him, right?”
“He told you about me? I’m glad to hear it.”
“He told me a little,” she qualified. She realized she might never get another chance to speak to Chase Edgars again, so she decided to make the most of the opportunity. “You were close to Austin, right? I probably shouldn’t say anything, but he—he’s having some trouble.”
“What kind of trouble?” The voice dipped again. Edgars sounded genuinely interested.
“It’s been hard on him since he left the service. He told me a little about Donovan.”
Edgars expelled a breath. “Yeah. That’s why I called. He hasn’t talked to me since, you know.”
“No—I didn’t know that. I thought you were best friends.”
“Not after Donovan died. I think Austin wishes it was me.”
“No!” Ella caught herself. “No, that’s not it at all; I know that much. He thinks he should have saved both of you. He goes over it and over it in his mind, trying to figure out what he did wrong—what he should have done instead.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. “And you’re paying the price.”
“I don’t care about that. I care about him.”
“I know,” he said. “I wish I knew what I could do to help.”
“Well, there is something you could do,” Ella said. “You could come to our wedding. We’re renewing our vows, because we were alone for our first ceremony. Now we want to restate them in front of our friends and family.”
“That sounds encouraging.” She was beginning to like Edgars’ voice. She could see why Austin would be friends with this thoughtful man.
“Not as encouraging as you might think. Please say you’ll come. We can put you up at the Hall. It’s in early August.”
“Okay. Give me your e-mail. I’ll get in touch and we’ll make plans. Will you tell Austin I’m coming?”
“No. It will be a surprise. You should arrive a day or two early so you two can reconnect.”
“I’ll do that.” They exchanged e-mail addresses and phone numbers so they could communicate directly. “I’m looking forward to meeting you,” he said when they ended the call.
“Me, too.”
* * *
“Richard came by this afternoon,” Ella said. Framed in the door to the bedroom, the soft light of her bedside reading lamp backlighting her body, she looked so sweet and womanly Austin wanted to go to her and take her in his arms.
“Richard? Did you tell him I was gone for the day?”
“Yes, but it was me he came to see, actually.” She moved into the room. Austin shifted the sheet over his naked body. It was far too warm a night for clothing, even if he was sleeping on the couch. Outside, crickets chirped their summer songs and stars glinted in a black velvet sky.
“Really?”
“Um-hmm. He wanted to practice running the course before he squared off with you again.”
Austin chuckled. “I’ll bet. He didn’t like the fact I could beat him.”
“Well, he was safe from that with me. I was the worst.”
“You ran the course?” He would have liked to see that. Why hadn’t he ever thought to ask her to try it out with him?
Too busy worrying about the past to even think of it.
“I tried to run it,” she said. “I got most of the way through, with Richard’s help. He’s a sweet kid.” She moved even closer. He wondered if she had anything on under that light robe. Ever since he moved onto the couch at nights, it had been hell knowing she was so close and he wasn’t allowed to touch her. If he took her hand and pulled her down to him would she allow him to make love to her now?
“He wants you to be his dad,” she said softly.
“I know.”
When Ella sat on the couch’s arm, Austin let out a sigh. Mason was right; he had everything he could ever hope for right here. A wife, a son, a ranch. What if Halpern was right? What if it was possible to be forgiven for what he’d done? What if it was okay for him to move forward with his life, even if Donovan couldn’t move forward with his?
He wished Donovan was here to tell him what to do. He could almost picture his friend sitting in the easy chair across the room.
You think too much, he’d say. Shut off your brain and live a little.
If only he could. If only he could ask Ella for her forgiveness for being so cold to her. For taking out his sorrow on her. She didn’t deserve to be treated the way he had treated her.
A memory stirred within him. A warm, clear night like this one under a full moon on a mission that led them deep into enemy territory. Edgars wasn’t feeling right and Austin had taken his watch, hoping an hour or two of extra sleep would help his friend. Donovan had joined him.
“Edgars says he’s fine—he can handle staying up a couple of hours.”
“Let him be. A little rest will do him wonders.”
“Just so you know you’re taking this watch because you want to. Not because you have to.”
“And?” Donovan was like that, making you question your motives for the simplest things. What was wrong with taking an extra watch to ease the way for one of your friends?
“And it’s important to know the difference.”
“So go to bed already.”
“I’ll stay.”
He remembered his exasperation. “Why?”
“Because I’m choosing this watch, too.”
Choosing this watch. Is that what Donovan would say he was doing now? That by trying to honor his memory—by keeping himself separate from life and pleasure out of respect for the dead—he wasn’t really honoring Donovan at all?
“Austin.” Ella’s voice recalled him to the present. “Tell me about Donovan.”
He wasn’t sure he could do that and maintain control. Somehow in the darkness the veil between past and present seemed awfully thin. It was easy to picture Donovan here in the room too, saying, Yeah, tell her about me, Hall.
“He was fast. The fastest man I’ve ever seen. I thought I was good at running but he had me beat by a mile.”
“That’s hard to believe.”
“It’s true.” Her features were shadowed in the low light, but he knew she was waiting for more. “He was funny, too. Always making a joke about something. Not your normal stupid jokes, either. He could make me laugh at the worst times. During briefings. On parade. Shit, he got me in trouble more times than I can count.”
“What do you think he’d say about you?”
He considered this. “That I got him in trouble, too. That I brought out the best and the worst in him. That I never broke my word—�
�� He stumbled. “Until now,” he added more softly.
“You made a promise to him you didn’t keep?”
Austin nodded, realized she couldn’t see him and said, “Yeah. I did.”
“What was it?”
“To go to his parents and tell them—that he knew he could die when he signed up. That it was worth it to him. He didn’t want them to feel bad.”
Ella remained silent for a long time. “I don’t think he would want you to feel bad, either.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know anymore.”
“I’ll come with you,” Ella said softly. “To Donovan’s parents’ house. If it helps.”
Austin thought that through. “I guess I’ve put it off long enough.”
“Are you afraid of what they’ll say?”
“I wouldn’t blame them if they hated me.”
“They won’t hate you. But they will be glad to talk to someone who knew their son well. I imagine they need to talk about his death, too, you know? And there probably aren’t a lot of people they can do that with.”
He’d never thought of it that way, but it made sense. It would be easier if he could share some of what lay heavy on his heart. It had helped a little to hear what Reverend Halpern had to say, but there was so much more that weighed on him. Maybe Ella was right; maybe he and Donovan’s parents could help each other share that burden.
“We’ll make plans tomorrow then.” Ella stood up. Hesitated. “I know you don’t think things are going to be okay and I know it’s been hard for you to be forced into this marriage and parenthood. But I still think it could work out if you let it. I think you can get through this, Austin. You just need to give yourself a break sometimes.”
There was so much more he wanted to say to her, but he didn’t know how to say it. The silence between them stretched until Ella crossed slowly to the bedroom door. She hesitated there a long moment. He could see her struggling with a decision.
