by Dean, Taylor
“Do you know ‘bout her murky waters?” his father had asked when he brought Elizabeth home to the ranch.
Josh had evaded the question.
He should have listened to his father. Elizabeth had been one huge swamp
As it turned out, Marisa’s murky waters happened to be a sure plan for her life—and a desire to travel and see the world.
And not be stuck on a ranch in the middle of nowhere.
Not exactly murky.
But a problem all the same. An unforeseen problem. It was a good thing he’d decided to wait before popping the question.
What was he thinking? He couldn’t ask Marisa to set aside her dreams, to change her plans. She wanted to travel the world. He didn’t know that about her. After all the time they’d spent together, how could he not know this? How could he ask her to stay here with him? It would be entirely selfish on his part.
He must’ve completely misread her. When she’d spoken about leaving the school she currently taught at, maybe she was trying to tell him about her future plans, not leave him hints about leaving the school for him. He’d just assumed.
I’m such a fool.
Maybe he’d assumed a lot. He thought about his life, about how many women had left the ranch. Women didn’t like it at the ranch. It was an isolated existence. How could he have let himself forget that little bit of critical information? Marisa would be the same. At first she would love it, as she did now, but that would change. As time went on and the day-to-day drudgery of ranch life sank in, she would hate it and she would leave him. He sat down and held his head in his hands as his heart tried to convince his mind that he was making the biggest mistake of his life. Marisa was so very young. He couldn’t ask her to give up her life for him. In the end, it would destroy them.
How could he have forgotten his past? He let himself believe it would never happen again, that Marisa was different. She would never leave him. She loved him. They’d never said it, but he knew.
“My plans might be changing though.” Those words said to him so innocently, so sweetly, cut him to the very bone. She was willing to give up everything for him. He loved her for it. But he couldn’t let her do it. He had to let her go to follow her dreams. She was young, she’d get over him easily. Maybe he would’ve shocked her when he proposed. For all he knew this was just a summer fling.
But as he let that wander around his mind, he knew it wasn’t so. Marisa had made it clear that she wanted a future with him. Hadn’t she? Or had he misunderstood her intentions?
Obviously he had.
Regardless, he would not trap her here at the ranch. It was a surefire path to disappointment and heartbreak.
Josh made his way back to the party, intent on his life changing decision, even though it wasn’t what he wanted. He visited with several of his guests for the next hour, not intending to avoid Marisa, but not purposefully seeking her out either. He laughed and joked, making the rounds between different social circles—suddenly the life of the party. No one knew he was desperately trying to forget his woes and tell himself he could move on with life without Marisa. No one knew he was dying inside.
A slow and painful death.
A few of the younger ladies asked him to dance, and he politely obliged. It felt foreign to hold other women in his arms. It didn’t feel right because they weren’t Marisa. They didn’t fit perfectly in the crook of his arm or melt into him the way she did. How was he going to let her go? She was the only one he wanted.
It was at that moment when he noticed Marisa standing at the periphery of the dance floor, her eyes glued to him. The emotion in her eyes hit him with so much force, he nearly took a step backward. She seemed almost frozen in place and he could see pain in her expression from where he stood. He wondered just how long she’d been observing him. The entire time? For a few minutes? She looked very upset, understandably so, and he suddenly felt like a world class heel. The pure anguish on her face broke his heart and brought him to his senses. Their eyes met for only a second, but she must’ve seen the indecision in his countenance because she quickly turned and walked away.
Through the crowd, he saw that she walked through the gate and into the Folly just as he had earlier. Great minds think alike. He suddenly felt very foolish. Her pain was his pain. The last thing he’d wanted to do was hurt her, but he was afraid his actions had done just that. He excused himself and went after her, chastising himself for his behavior. She didn’t know what was going through his mind. All she knew was he’d suddenly abandoned her—and she was perceptive enough to know it was deliberate.
Marisa ran into the trees away from the party, away from the crowds, away from sympathetic eyes—away from Joshua.
Something was wrong.
She wasn’t positive, but she would swear that Josh was suddenly avoiding her. It was so strange. She knew by the way he had looked at her, as if he was looking right through her, as if she had become invisible to him. He’d walked past her, only about a foot away from where she stood, and didn’t even acknowledge her. Then he took a few ladies out onto the dance floor, holding them close as they swayed to the music, smiling into their eyes as they spoke. An older lady approached and whispered in her ear, “Better hold on to him—if you can. He’s the most eligible bachelor around these parts. The cutest too,” she’d added with a wink and a friendly elbow poke in the ribs.
Ouch.
Gripped by confusion, Marisa collapsed under a tree, hugging her knees to her chest. Hidden by darkness, she started to cry—and then sob. Josh had abandoned her. She felt discarded and unwanted. After a nearly perfect evening together, she felt completely confounded.
Fast footsteps reached her ears, causing her to stiffen in place. Her hand covered her mouth and she didn’t even let herself breathe for fear of discovery.
“Marisa? Marisa?”
It was Josh, the worry in his voice quite obvious.
Not wanting him to see her crying, Marisa sat very still and didn’t make a peep. His deep voice wafted through the Folly as he sought her out. He was so close it was eerie. How did he know where she was? Could he feel her presence? Could he feel her anguish?
“Josh-u-a,” a sing-song voice rang out, sending a chill up her spine. The vultures were descending on the ‘most eligible bachelor around these parts.’ Marisa hadn’t realized she had so much competition.
Josh swore under his breath, “damn,” and joined his feminine guest.
Marisa sulked under the tree for a long while, deep in thought, and then decided it was time to go and claim her man. What was she thinking, sitting here crying like a dope? This was ridiculous. Of course he had to visit with his guests. She was acting like a petulant child just because all of his attention wasn’t on her. Good thing he hadn’t caught her crying. Surely he would’ve labeled her as high maintenance. Rightly so. Quit acting like a child, Marisa. Josh wants you and you know it.
When she found Josh in the crowd, he was sitting at a table with a young woman who was basically talking non-stop, apparently quite thrilled to have Joshua’s ear for the moment. Josh occasionally nodded his head, looking completely bored, his eyes constantly darting, and that encouraged her to approach him.
I’m fixin’ to steal back my man. Look out ladies. The most eligible bachelor around these parts is no longer eligible.
It was getting late and she wondered when this party was going to die down. The night suddenly seemed never ending. She swallowed, tried to summon a little courage, and sat down beside Josh, sitting very close, linking her arm through his just like she always did.
He responded, but not in his usual manner. When he looked down upon her, he didn’t smile or say a word. Instead he closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. He turned to the young woman, who was glaring at Marisa, and said, “Excuse me, please.”
Josh took her to the dance floor and without a word, took her into his arms and held her as close as two bodies can be, uncaring of their audience. His hands ran down her back, his touch
hard and desperate, and then up again to run his fingers through her hair. She buried her lips in his neck and kissed him softly, to which he immediately responded. He ran his lips down her cheek until she met him in a searing kiss. The kiss deepened and Marisa knew people must be staring, but Josh seemed oblivious. They were caught up in a world of their own, a torment of their own. They stayed there on the dance floor, holding each other, kissing and touching as if they were alone. The music changed, the tempo upbeat. The mood turned raucous as guests laughed and danced around them. They remained in their stronghold, no longer under the pretense that they were dancing. They held each other in a tight embrace, the intensity of Josh’s touch not lost on anyone, to include Marisa. Josh acted as though he was unaware of the stir they were creating and Marisa sensed that he didn’t care.
Finally, the party began to die down and people began to say their goodbyes. Josh and Marisa parted without saying a word. Josh went off to dutifully bid his guests farewell and Marisa trudged towards the house to put Bethany to bed. The poor girl could barely keep her eyes open. She tucked Bethany in and she fell asleep as her head hit the pillow.
Marisa immediately went to go find Josh. They needed to talk. She wasn’t absolutely positive, but it seemed as if something was bothering him. Or maybe she was just being selfish about his time. It wasn’t entirely apparent in her befuddled mind and she needed to clear the air. She burst into his office and found him in his desk chair, sitting very still. The room was dark except for the small desk lamp and it took her eyes a moment to adjust. Josh sat with his hands clasped, resting against his chin. He looked deep in thought, as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Marisa’s anxiety rose a notch. Perhaps she had not misread the situation after all. She stood before him for a moment and swallowed her uncertainty
Gulp.
“Don’t you knock?” he asked, feigning irritation.
“Do you want me to knock?”
“Yes.”
“I like being the one person in your life who doesn’t have to knock,” she said bluntly as she sat herself down on his lap and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly and holding him close.
Marisa had no idea what else to do.
Josh had to smile. He loved Marisa’s sometimes saucy nature. He hugged her to his chest and inhaled deeply. She always smelled so good. It reminded him of lavender blooming in the spring—so poetic. It was when she leaned back to look into his face that he could see her trepidation. She didn’t feel as confident as she was acting.
“Josh,” she said slowly, “Are we okay?”
Josh leaned his head back on the leather desk chair knowing he owed her an explanation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of what to say. They observed each other through wary eyes for several moments. Marisa was very perceptive and when he didn’t answer, her eyes lowered. When she looked back up at him, her eyes held a glint of tears and he knew she was holding them back. She cradled his face in her hands and she kissed him, slowly, softly, sweetly, and he couldn’t help but respond. The room was quiet as they kissed in the semi-darkness, having so much to say to each other, but neither one of them saying it.
After a long while, Josh whispered, “Everything’s fine, Marisa, don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.” He wanted so much to pull the ring out of the drawer and beg her to marry him. He wanted a life with her by his side. He wanted children with her, he wanted it all. But he didn’t say it, he knew he couldn’t.
It was time to let her go.
Marisa somehow sensed his inner struggle. It was as if she knew of the battle raging inside of him. She held his face in her hands and whispered, “It’s late, we can talk tomorrow.” Then with great emotion, she told him, “I love you, Joshua.” She stared into his eyes intently. “I love you,” she repeated. And with that she quietly left the room, taking his heart with her.
Josh continued to sit very still as his thoughts clashed inside of him. He felt as though a precious angel had just visited, bestowing her love upon him. He didn’t know why he’d never said it to her, perhaps deep down he suspected it wouldn’t work out. He was guarding his heart without even realizing it. He was waiting for the revelation that would tell him she would never stay at the ranch and he’d received it tonight. It was what he feared the most.
He closed his eyes, feeling as though his world was slipping through his fingers and there wasn’t a darn thing he could do about it.
She’d said she loved it here. She’d said she could stay here forever. Surely, she didn’t mean she wanted to live here, really. She’d meant it sounded…fun, unusual…a novelty. She’d meant it was fun for one summer.
He let a memory from his past overwhelm him, reinforcing his decision to let her go. He thought about the day his mother left him at the tender age of three, not in details, of course, but painful little snippets. He remembered clinging to her, crying hysterically, not wanting her to leave. His father had pried his hands off of her and taken him away, screaming. He remembered a lot of yelling and the slam of the door. He cried himself to sleep while being held in Mary’s arms. He shook his head, wishing he didn’t remember anything from the appalling incident. Unfortunately, the traumatic experience had stuck with him and shaped his life. He knew the memory of that day still haunted him and influenced his life.
His very own murky waters. And they ran deep.
He’d never heard from his mother again, not a phone call, not even a card on his birthday. Nothing. It was as if she’d disappeared off the face of the earth. He’d considered many times trying to find her. He always nixed the idea. If she’d wanted to see him, she would’ve sought him out. He’d been in the same place his whole life, after all. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know where he was.
His father’s words rung in his ears. “Women don’t like it at the ranch, Joshua. It’s too isolated. You would do well to remember that, son.”
Of course, he hadn’t listened to the well-meaning counsel. Instead, he up and married right after college. The results had been catastrophic with Elizabeth. He’d learned his lesson the hard way. He wasn’t about to repeat the experience.
He didn’t want the same thing to happen with Marisa. His life experience had taught him well. He’d just let himself forget everything for awhile, hoping things would be different with Marisa. But he was kidding himself. It was back to a solitary existence for him. He had the ranch and he had Bethany. It would have to be enough.
He had to let her go. She had dreams. She had plans.
And they didn’t include him.
How do I end this? How do I let her go?
How will she react? With joy? Maybe she’s just as worried about ending their summertime romance as he is. Maybe she realizes they’ve let things get too serious. Maybe she’ll be relieved.
Somehow he doubted it. Women don’t like to be broken up with. Who does? It will feel as though he’s rejecting her no matter how he goes about the deed—no matter how much she truly wants to leave.
In the end, she’ll be grateful. Of course she will. She’ll be free to move on with her life with a clear conscience. She won’t have to feel guilty, as though she broke his heart.
The decision was made. He would end things with Marisa tomorrow. This was the best path forward. The only way forward.
Please go quietly, Marisa. I don’t know exactly how to do this. I don’t want to hurt you, I want to let you live your life. I want you to be happy and I know you won’t be happy here. I can’t do that to you, I simply can’t. Please just accept it and go. I don’t know how to end this…
Especially when I don’t want it to end.
–13–
Having had little sleep, Marisa made her way downstairs, feeling weary beyond her years. Putting on a happy face, she entered the backyard to meet Josh for their morning jog through the Folly as usual.
He wasn’t there.
She waited for over half an hour. Finally, she asked one of the ranch hands if they’d seen him
and they said he’d already left for the day. He had some early business to tend to in town. Discouraged, she went up to change for breakfast, all the while mentally reviewing the events of last evening. The first part of the evening had been absolutely perfect, but then, he’d left her and socialized with his many guests, seemingly ignoring her. Marisa couldn’t explain his behavior. Was she just being selfish? She did want him all to herself. She admitted it readily. Obviously, he couldn’t ignore his guests, what did she expect? But when she’d finally gotten up the nerve to take matters into her own hands, he’d held her on the dance floor as if it was the last time he’d ever see her. She had felt his angst, had felt the intensity of his touch. It left her feeling uneasy and she wasn’t sure why.
Due to the late night festivities, Marisa and Bethany spent a quiet day together, reading books and completing their needlepoint projects. Marisa anxiously waited for dinner that evening so she could talk to Josh and gauge his mood. When he didn’t come to dinner, a lead weight settled into the pit of her stomach.
“Constance, where’s Josh tonight?”
“Didn’t he tell you? He has quite a bit of work to catch up on, so he asked to have dinner in his office. He does that every once in awhile. He works too hard,” she chastised.
He’d never once missed dinner while she’d been visiting. It was highly unusual. He was avoiding her and she knew it. Bethany was disappointed too and expressed her discontent about missing her dad. With a heavy heart, Marisa helped Bethany with her bedtime routine and kissed her goodnight.
“Will Daddy come and tuck me in too?”
“I’ll tell him to come and give you a kiss goodnight before he goes to bed, okay?”
