Zombie Rules

by Achord, David

  Janet glared at me, and then she glared at Julie. She had no idea who Fred was, but she glared at him too. She waved a dirty finger at all of us. “You would really like that wouldn’t you. You’ve stolen Julie from me, you got Don killed, and now you want to take Tommy from me. Are you fucking crazy?”

  I stopped myself from shrugging again. There was somebody here who was crazy alright. I did not want to do this, but felt I had no choice. “Alright, fair enough. You are welcome to come back with us too. You and Tommy. We’ll all be together. We’ll get you set up in your own house near where we live. Oh, and by the way, don’t try to blame us for Don’s death. I know what really happened.”

  She answered quickly, but it wasn’t quite the answer that I expected. “All of you can go straight to hell!” She grabbed her child by the hand and dragged him along as she walked back to the Humvee.

  Little Tommy kept looking back at his sister as he was being dragged along. Tears were falling on his cheeks. It was hard to watch. Tears started flowing down Julie’s cheeks as well. After a moment, she walked back to the van and shut the door quietly. I sincerely doubted Janet was crying.

  Corporal Hart snorted and grinned in amusement. “Hoo boy, she doesn’t like you at all!” He seemed to take great pleasure in it. Janet shouted at him and ordered him to take them back. He grinned at me again with those yellow teeth, ogled Julie one last time, and hurried back to the Humvee without bothering getting permission from the Lieutenant.

  We spoke a few moments more with Lieutenant Hart and made tentative arrangements to visit again and hopefully work out a beneficial trading arrangement.

  “I’m going to get back to the barracks. The walk may work the kinks out of my back. I wish you all well.” We shook hands with Lieutenant Ward and Private Dawson and watched as they walked away. Private True was already walking ahead of them. He did not bother saying goodbye.

  When they got out of earshot I sighed. “Our first encounter with live human survivors. Seems like it could have gone a little better.”

  Fred snorted. “It’s not your fault. The Lieutenant is a decent sort, but he’s injured. Corporal Hart senses weakness in him. He has no respect for him. Probably the others as well. He’s not going to be able to hold them together as a cohesive group for much longer I’m thinking.”

  I agreed with Fred’s assessment. I could not see Julie. She was in the van out of eyesight. I knew she was upset. It was time to leave. “Hart is definitely a loose cannon. Let’s load up the van with whatever we can and get out of here before he gets some ideas and does something stupid.”

  Chapter 26 - Adoption

  The thunder awakened me with a start. At first, I thought someone was trying to break in, but once I realized what it was, I lay there and listened to the patter of rainfall on the old fashioned metal roof. It reminded me of past thunderstorms. Back then, it was relaxing, soothing. I tried to let it relax me now, but I couldn’t. I kept thinking about the day’s work awaiting me.

  Among all of the other chores, I would need to check the farm to insure no damage had been caused as a result of the storm. I’d also need to check on the livestock. I’d need to do a lot. I did not think I had anything to worry about, but at some point during the night the storm was intense enough for the mutts to jump into bed with Julie and me. I was thankful we had given them all a bath just yesterday.

  I glanced at my wristwatch. It was just after four in the morning, which coincidentally was the number of rear ends, three ugly dogs and one beautiful woman, currently snuggled up against me. I was glad we had found a queen sized bed to replace the old twin size.

  It took some finagling to work my way out of bed without waking Julie. I debated on an early morning shower, but realized I was going to be spending a few hours outside in the rain and mud, so settled for washing my face, brushing, flossing, and coffee.

  I stoked the fire, got the tea kettle going and walked out on the porch. The boys were awake now and followed me. They needed to do their business, but were reluctant to step off of the covered porch and into the heavy downpour. I helped Larry by nudging him, not so gently, off of the porch with my boot. The other two followed grudgingly. They ran out, quickly sniffed out a suitable spot, did their thing, and were back on the porch before I had gotten seated.

  The three of them looked at me expectantly. “I know. I know. You bastards want to go inside and jump your wet asses back on the bed, but it’s not going to happen.” They gaped at me with those big puppy dog eyes and acted like they didn’t understand, but I knew better.

  The dawn sky was a dark shade of gray, almost black, but not completely. The sun, even though it could not be seen, still had its omnipotent presence.

  I rocked contentedly while looking over the front yard. It was a muddy mess. I wondered if it would be worth the time and effort to seed and fertilize it when the weather warmed, or should I leave it looking worn and bare. A well-kept lawn would shout out to anyone the house was occupied. I made a note to ask Fred’s opinion and wondered if he was going to join us this morning. He loved to take Prancer out on morning rides, but I didn’t see it happening today. The rain was really coming down. I heard the door open and Julie joined me a few minutes later with two mugs of coffee. She was wearing sweatpants, sneakers, and a jacket. One morning she came outside with nothing more than a blanket casually wrapped around her, only to find Fred sitting in one of the rocking chairs. Since then, she got dressed first.

  “Thank you beautiful.” I said as she handed me the mug.

  “You’re welcome, handsome.” She replied. “Is Fred going to join us today?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t believe he’ll get Prancer out in this rain. He dotes on her like a teenage boy and his first love.” We chuckled, but my statement had inadvertently made me wonder about Macie. Lieutenant Ward had said she did not arrive with Janet and Tommy. She would be in her second trimester by now. I hoped she was okay.

  I stood up and stretched. “Why don’t we grab some eggs and stuff, and just drive over to his house? I want to check out the creek anyway and I can feed the livestock afterword.”

  Julie agreed and it was decided. We drove in Rick’s truck, or I should say Julie drove, which allowed me to run out in the rain, disarm the booby traps, move the backhoe and wire, and then move them all back again before we left. One day I was going to need to build a sturdy gate. Fred was sitting on his own porch when we drove up. “I tried to raise you two on the CB.” He said to us as we walked up. None of us had extensive knowledge of the Ham radio system, and the repeaters had gone down several weeks ago. Channel one on the CB radio was 26.965 Megacycles. We opted to use that channel for talking and scanned the other channels for any radio chatter. It was much simpler.

  “I didn’t have the radio on. Sorry about that. I unhooked the antenna cable last night to prevent a lightning strike from frying it. We brought some breakfast, are you hungry?” Fred nodded hungrily. Or, more accurately, he gave his typical curt nod and led us inside. His furnishings were of the pseudo rustic farm style, a product of his wife’s decorating tastes, Fred had told us. It gave the house a homely ambience. We all migrated into the kitchen and then worked as a team preparing a nice country breakfast. Julie cooked up the eggs, Fred worked on the country ham, and I made biscuits. Fred had a milk cow and a pasteurizer, which was a nice luxury nowadays.

  We got everything ready and sat down at the table. Fred insisted on prayer before we started. He told the Lord we were grateful and thanked him for his kindness. We had a good meal in front of us. I supposed, all things considered, I was indeed grateful. I had lost a lot, but I had survived, I was healthy, I had a home, and I had Julie. “I was not a religious man before I met my wife.” He said a moment after he had finished.

  “Oh yeah?” I sort of asked, but I did not think we’d get any more of a response. Fred did not talk much, and he definitely did not talk much about his family.

  He proved me wrong on this occasion. “I was a bit of a
hellion in my younger days. After graduating High School, I got on with the rodeo circuit and was a trick shot artist.” It certainly explained why he was so quick and accurate with those pistols. “My father had taught me how to ride and shoot. He was a former Texas Ranger. I was pretty good at it if I do say so myself. One day, I was in a rodeo at the agriculture center here in the county. I had gotten myself thrown off of a bronco and was cussing up a storm about it when I saw her in the stands. I was dumbfounded. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was in love right then and there. Then the damn horse kicked me.” We laughed, and even Fred smiled. “Yeah, he caught me on the side of the head, just enough to knock me silly.”

  We continued chuckling.

  “What happened then?” Julie asked.

  “That’s when I met Connie Sue. They had carried me to the back area where they had an ambulance and paramedics standing by. I had a knot on my head the size of a softball. She left the stands and came to see me.” Fred smiled again at the memory. “I said hi, and she told the paramedics they needed to wash my mouth out with soap.” We laughed harder now. “She was the daughter of a preacher and cussing was taboo with her.”

  His smile faltered and he looked out of the kitchen window at the rain. “We would have been married twenty-three years this spring.” He looked down at his plate of scrambled eggs and then at us. “We only had one kid, a daughter. There were complications and Connie Sue couldn’t have any more kids afterward. So, needless to say we spoiled Betsy rotten.”

  Julie reached over and put her hand on Fred’s. “Fred, where’s Betsy now?”

  Fred’s demeanor changed, the muscles around his mouth tightened just slightly. If you blinked you would have missed it. Like I said, Fred was not a man of emotion.

  “She wanted to be an actress. She moved to Los Angeles. It was hard on us having our little girl grow up and move out. She’s a good girl though. She called her mother and me on Skype every morning. She had actually landed a small role in some kind of romantic comedy type of movie, but that was just before, just before all of this started.”

  He was looking at a blank spot on the wall, but now focused on Julie. “You remind me of her.” I smiled, but inwardly I was concerned about the location. Los Angeles was one of the first U.S. cities Rick and I put a red thumbtack on. He squeezed Julie’s hand before letting go. “I have to place my faith in the good Lord she’s doing okay. Maybe one day she’ll come back home.”

  “Have you ever thought of going out to Los Angeles and finding her?” She asked.

  “Sure I have, at least a million times. But even if I made it across the country in one piece, I would have no idea where to look for her.” He pointed to a small laptop with a solar panel hooked up to it. “I know the Internet is not working, but I have it opened to Skype, just in case.”

  “Tell us about your brother.” I asked.

  Fred smiled a bit. “He was a big one wasn’t he?” I readily agreed. “He was big even as a kid. He weighed eleven pounds when he was born. He had great potential in sports, wrestling, football, you name it, but he just didn’t have the competitive drive for it. He was just a big overgrown kid with a heart of gold. A gentle giant was a good way to describe him. He was the kind of person that you always wanted to have around. He ended up being an elementary school teacher. The kids loved him. Hell, everyone loved him. He helped me with the greenhouse business when he wasn’t playing with the kids. Somehow, he got the bug and turned. When everything started going bad, we all hunkered down here. We had plenty of food, water, the usual stuff. Everything was going pretty good. No confrontations with any zombies or hostile strangers. We were just keeping to ourselves. We figured one day it would all blow over, the TV stations would come back to life and the news people would tell us order had been restored. Well, you all know how it went.”

  Fred paused a moment before continuing. “Frank got up one morning and he said he didn’t feel well. I told him to stay in bed and rest.” He paused again and sighed. “I should have known better. He had been a picture of health his entire adult life, hadn’t been sick since he was a little kid. When I got back after tending the cattle, he had already turned. He killed my wife and mother-in-law.” He pointed into the den. “He got ahold of my mother-in-law in there. Connie Sue must have been outside and didn’t hear anything. I found her in the yard. After killing them he took off. I buried them, spent a little time mourning, and then went hunting him. That’s when I met you two. Aside from Betsy, they were the last of my family.” Fred finished the last of the breakfast quietly. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and surprisingly grinned at us.

  “You two kids are my family now. I hope it’s not something you find disagreeable.”

  I was stunned, and looked over at Julie. There were sudden tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. “I think I speak for Julie when I say that we’re honored that you have such a high of an opinion of us.” Julie nodded, jumped up, and gave Fred a hug.

  Fred nodded awkwardly and grabbed his napkin. “You keep that up I might start crying myself.” We all laughed and hugged. The only thing missing were the three stooges sniffing our asses.

  We spent the morning helping Fred around his farm. At noon we broke for lunch. After, we talked him into showing us his shooting skills. The rain had stopped, temporarily. The sky was still overcast, and we could hear an occasional rumble of thunder in the distance. We went out behind the barn and set up some targets.

  “Alright kids, you two seem to know the fundamentals of gun safety, but I want to go over them again and make sure.” Julie and I nodded. “First, always assume the gun is loaded, so that means you don’t play around with it and point it at each other, right? Which leads to the second basic rule, always be mindful of where the barrel of the gun is pointed. Imagine there is a deadly laser beam coming out of the end of the barrel and wherever it is pointed that beam will burn right through it. Number three, keep your finger off of the trigger until you’re on target and ready to fire. And finally, rule number four. Always be mindful of what’s behind your target. You don’t want to kill someone you care for accidentally. Okay, are you two ready?”

  I smiled and nodded. I had basically given Julie those exact same instructions a couple of weeks ago. Which, coincidentally were the same instructions Rick had given me about a year ago. Julie nodded attentively and said nothing. Good for her.

  He nodded curtly. “Good. Now, I am going to show you two the fine art of the fast draw, a technique called instinctive aiming and the thousand repetition rule.” Fred was amazing with his shooting skills. He would draw his pistol, shoot a round, and then holster his pistol in the blink of an eye. Then he’d do it again and put the second bullet into the hole from the first bullet. It was amazing. After showing off his skills for a minute, he spent a while instructing us the proper techniques for the quick draw. We then practiced with paper pie plates. It was fun. I thought I knew how to shoot, but Fred proved I was still an amateur. We had each gone through a hundred rounds in no time. I questioned Fred about this, but he told me not to worry, he had plenty.

  Afterword, we went back to Fred’s barn and cleaned the six-shooters. “Fred.” Julie asked. He looked over. “You never said what the thousand year rule was.”

  Fred shook his head slightly and corrected her. “Sure I did, but it’s not the thousand year rule, it’s the thousand repetition rule. In order to gain proficiency of any act, you need to do it at least a thousand times.”

  He holstered one of his pistols and drew it out slowly, exactly like he had shown us earlier. “Practice drawing the weapon out of its holster slowly and with perfect form. Do it a thousand times in order to develop proper muscle memory. Once you’ve done that, you can draw the pistol out and put it on target like this without even thinking about it.” Fred drew the gun out deftly and quickly. “Then, once you’ve got to this point in your training, practice it one million more times. Only then will you be able to draw it like this.” He drew the pistol out
with lightning speed. He repeated it a couple of more times for emphasis. Julie and I were properly impressed.

  Fred gave the pistol a fancy reverse spin, holstered it deftly, and glanced over at me. “Okay, enough of the pistol lessons for today. It’s my turn. Zach, I’ve heard you mention a time or two you have some sort of theory about these zombies. I’d like to hear it.”

  I shrugged as I worked the cleaning brush through the barrel. All the way through, all the way back out. “I’m not sure any of my theories have any type of scientific foundation to back them Fred. Heck, I didn’t even graduate from High School.”

  Fred pressed. “Even so, I’d like to hear it.”

  I removed the brass cleaning brush and replaced it with some clean gauze before I answered. I took a deep breath. The smell of gun cleaning solvent was heady. “Okay, well, how to start. Somehow a person becomes infected. There was a lot of speculation about the cause and origin, but I don’t think I ever heard a definitive reason given. Something takes over the body. I don’t know if it is a parasite, a virus, or perhaps something altogether different. There were some news reports and computer blogs saying the infected person actually dies and then is somehow reanimated. I’m not so sure about that, but again, I don’t have the knowledge or enough data to determine if it’s true or not. What I do know is an infected zombie is decomposing. They’re rotting. The fact they are decomposing almost begs the question, do they need to eat live meat in order to regenerate? It’s possible I suppose, but we’re not seeing any regeneration. I believe the desire for living meat is just a consequence of the infected person’s brain reverting back to its primal state. Again, I don’t have anything to back up my hypothesis, only some deductive reasoning based on very limited information. For instance, they don’t seem to attack each other, at least not after the infection has set in. Why? Is it because they instinctively know when a person is infected? It’s odd behavior for which I have no explanation, but it’s not really relevant to my hypothesis.”