changing-places-david-lodge

by Unknown

  of the senior staff.*

  'Steady on, Zapp,' the VC murmured.

  'You was a Quisling, was how he put it, sir,' said the male

  'Sorry,' Morris mumbled. 'It's just the shock of dis-nurse, with a friendly grin. 'Said you plotted to get him recovering that you've been near death without knowing it.'

  moved.'

  'Quite natural I'm sure,' said Stroud. 'Why don't you go

  'That's ridiculous! He resigned of his own fire will,*

  straight home and stay safely indoors until this little problem Morris exclaimed, looking appealingly to Stroud, who is solved?'

  coughed and lowered his eyei.

  'I think that's the wisest thing you could do,' said the

  'Well, we did have to use a little persuasion,' he mur-doctor.

  mured.

  'You talked me into it,' said Morris, making for the door.

  'Professor Masters is of course a sick man,' said the doc-He slowed down when he realized that he was not being tor. ' Subject to delusions. But I noticed, Professor Zapp -

  accompanied, and turned. The four men, grouped around we looked for you in the English Department first - that the desk, smiled encouragingly at him. Too proud to ask for you're occupying Professor Masters' old room-'

  an escort, Morris made a gesture of farewell, stalked pur-

  'That's just chance!'

  posefully out through the secretary's office, and only as he

  'Quite so. But just the sort of thing to confirm Professor descended the stairs of the Administration Block remembered Masters in his delusion, should he discover it.'

  that he had left his car keys in his office and would have to

  ' I'll move back into my old room directly.'

  return to the Hexagon before leaving the University. He

  ' I think, Professor Zapp, for your own safety, you should made a complicated detour which kept cover between stay away from the University altogether until Professor himself and die campanile, and entered the Hexagon from Masters is traced and safely returned to the clinic. You see, the rear at the lower ground floor. He boarded the pater-we're afraid he may have obtained a weapon...'

  noster, here at its lowest accessible point, and was borne

  'Oh, come now, doctor,' said the Vice-Chancellor.

  silently aloft to the eighth floor. As he stepped out on to the

  'Don't let's be too alarmist.'

  landing, the first thing he saw was Gordon Masters ripping

  'Well, it is alarming, sir,' said the Superintendent of from his office door the temporary paper slip bearing Security, speaking for the first time. 'After all, Professor Morris's name. Morris froze. Masters looked up from Masters is an old soldier, and a sportsman. A crack shot, I grinding the paper under his heel and stared at Morris with was always given to understand.'

  puzzled half-recognition: both his eyes were bright with

  •Jesus,' said Morris, trembling with backdated fear.

  lunacy. He took a pace forward, gnawing and tugging at his

  "Those tiles.'

  unkempt moustache. Morris retreated rapidly into the

  ' What tiles ?' said the VC.

  paternoster and was borne upwards. He could hear Masters

  'Twice today I've been shot at and I didn't realize. I galloping up the staircase that spiralled round the shaft of thought it was just your lousy new building shedding tiles.

  the paternoster. Each time Masters arrived on a landing, Jesus, I might have been killed. That crazy old man's been Morris was just moving out of sight. On the eleventh floor sniping ai me, you dig? I'll bet he's been up on the clock Morris, thinking to trick his pursuer, jumped out of the tower with telescopic sights. I thought this was supposed to elevator and boarded a downward-moving compartment, be a peaceful country 1 I've lived forty years in the States but not before Masters glimpsed the manoeuvre. Morris

  heard a heavy thump above his head as Masters leapt into looking into the shaft of the upward-moving side of the the next compartment. On the fifth floor Morris hopped out paternoster. With a hard, well-aimed thrust, Morris and boarded a rising compartment. He was preparing to get bundled him into the paternoster and he was borne aloft out at the eighth floor again when he saw Masters' feet into limbo. As Masters' feet disappeared from view, Morris coming into view, upon which he quickly turned to face the broke the seal on the safety device embedded in the wall and rear wall and continued his upwards journey. Numb with pulled the red lever. The moving chain of compartments fright he passed the ninth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth floors suddenly jerked to a halt, and a bell began to ring shrilly.

  and then entered the limbo of grinding machinery and Very faintly, muffled shouts and the hammering of fists flashing lights that was at the top of the shaft. The cabin he could be heard coining from the top of the shaft was in lurched sideways and then began its descent. Morris hopped out at the twelfth floor to meditate his next move.

  Hilary wore a preoccupied frown as she opened the door.

  As he stood pondering on the landing Masters appeared When she recognized Morris she went pale, then blushed.

  before him moving slowly downwards, standing on his head.

  'Oh,' she said faintly. 'It's you. I was just going to phone They gazed at each other in mutual puzzlement until you.'

  Masters sank from Morris's sight. It was only much later

  •Again?'

  that Morris deduced that Masters, having been carried up-She let him in and closed the door. 'What have you come wards beyond the top floor of the paternoster's circuit, and for?'

  being under the impression that the compartment turned

  'I don't know, what are you offering?' He waggled his over to make its descent, had performed a handstand in eyebrows like Groucho Marx.

  the belief that he would drop harmlessly from ceiling to Hilary looked distressed. 'Aren't you teaching today ?'

  floor when his compartment was inverted.

  •It's a long story. D'you want to hear it in the lobby or Now Morris could hear him running indefatigably up the shall we sit down ?' Hilary was still lingering by the front stairs towards the twelfth floor. Morris jumped into the door.

  paternoster on the down side. As he passed the tenth floor,

  'I was going to say that after all I don't think it would be Masters whizzed past on foot, glimpsed him out of the cora good idea for you to stay the night.' She spoke very quick-ner of his eyes, skidded to a halt, and jumped into the com-ly, averting her eyes from his.

  partment above Morris. Morris went down to the sixth

  ' O h ? Why's that?'

  floor, crossed the landing and travelled up to the ninth,

  • I just don't think it would be a good idea.'

  walked across, went down past the eighth checking that the

  ' O K. If that's the way you want it. I'll take my bag round coast was clear, decided that it was, and got out on the to O'Shea's now.' He moved towards the stairs.

  seventh floor to re-ascend. Leaping across the landing to

  'I'm sorry.'

  board the paternoster going up, he brushed against Masters

  'Hilary,' Morris said, in a tone of fatigue, stopping on the agilely transferring himself in the opposite direction.

  first stair, but not turning round. ' If you don't want to sleep Morris went up to the ninth floor, across and down to the with me, that's your privilege, but for Christ's sake don't sixth, up to the tenth, down to the ninth, up to the eleventh, keep saying you're sorry.'

  down to the eighth, up to the eleventh, down to the tenth, up

  'I'm -' She choked back the word. 'Have you had and over the top, and got out on the twelfth, going down.

  lunch?' 7

  Masters was standing there, with his back to Morris,

  'No.'

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  227

  'There's nothing in the house, I'm afraid. I should have Morris modestly. ' 1 just gave Stroud a nudge in the right gone sh
opping this morning. I could open a tin of soup.'

  direction.'

  'Don't bother.'

  ' I think it's perfectly foul.'

  'It's no bother.'

  'What?'

  He went up to the guest room to get his suitcase. When he

  'It's corrupt. To think that people's careers can be made came downstairs, Hilary was in the kitchen, stirring cream of or marred like that.'

  asparagus soup in a saucepan and frying croutons. They ate Morris dropped his spoon with a deliberate clatter, and at the kitchen table. Morris recounted his adventures with appealed to the kitchen walls. 'Well, that's gratitude—'

  Masters, to which Hilary reacted with a suprising lack of

  'Gratitude? Am I supposed to feel grateful, then? It's excitement - indeed she scarcely seemed to be listening, like the films, what do they call it, the casting couch. Do politely murmuring, 'Really?' 'Goodness me,' and 'How you have a promotions couch in your office in America?'

  terrifying,'just a little late on cue.

  Hilary was on the verge of tears.

  ' Do you believe what I'm telling you ?' he said at last.' Or

  'What's gotten into you, Hilary?' Morris expostulated.

  d'you think I'm making it all up ?'

  'How many times have you said that Philip would have

  'Are you making it up ?'

  done better in his career if only he'd pushed, like Robin

  •No.'

  Dempsey ? Well, I pushed for him.'

  'Then of course I believe you, Morris. What happened

  'Bully for you. I just hope it's not wasted effort.'

  next?'

  ' What d'you mean ?'

  'You seem to be taking it pretty coolly. Anyone would

  ' Suppose he doesn't come back to Rummidge ?'

  think this kind of thing happened every week. I don't know

  'What are you talking about? He's got to come back, what happened next. I phoned security to tell them Masters hasn't he?'

  was trapped in the top of the paternoster and got the hell out

  'I don't know.' Hilary was crying now, great big tears of the place . . . Hey, this is good.' He slurped the soup that plopped into her soup like raindrops into a puddle.

  greedily. 'By the way,' he said, 'your husband is going to get Morris got up and went round to the other side of the promoted.'

  table. He put a hand on each of her shoulders and shook

  ' What?' Hilary laid down her soup spoon.

  her gently. 'What is this all about, for Chrissake?'

  'Your husband is going to get a Senior Lectureship.'

  'I phoned Philip this morning. After last night . . . I

  'Philip?'

  wanted him to come home. Straight away. He was horrible.

  •That's right.'

  He said he was having an affair -'

  'But why ? He doesn't deserve it.'

  'WithMelanie?'

  'I'm inclined to agree with you, but I thought you'd be

  'I don't know. I don't care who it is. I felt such a fool.

  pleased.'

  There I was, tortured with guilt because I kissed you last

  ' How do you know ?'

  night, because I wanted to sleep with you —'

  Morris explained.

  'Did you, Hilary?'

  'So really,' said Hilary slowly, 'you fiddled this for

  'Of course I did.'

  Philip.'

  'Then what are we waiting for?' Morris tried to pull her

  'Well, I wouldn't say it was entirely my doing,' said to her feet, but she shook her head and clung to the chair.

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  329

  ' No, I don't feel like it now.'

  * No, Morris!' she protested, struggling feebly. 'The child-

  ' Why not ? What did you ask me to stay over for anyway ?'

  ren will be home soon.'

  Hilary blew her nose on a Kleenex.' I changed my mind.'

  •There's plenty of time,' he replied, delighted to find

  ' Change it again. Seize the moment. We have the house himself capable of making love again. The telephone began to ourselves. Come on, Hilary, we both need some loving.'

  to ring downstairs in the hall.

  He was standing behind her now, gently kneading the

  'Telephone,' Hilary moaned.

  muscles of her neck and shoulders, as he had offered to do

  'Let it ring.'

  the night before. This time she did not resist, but leaned But Hilary wrenched herself free. 'If something had back against him and closed her eyes. He unfastened the happened to the children, I'd never forgive myself;' she buttons of her blouse and slid his hands down over her said.

  breasts.

  'Be quick.'

  'All right,' said Hilary.' Let's go upstairs.'

  Hilary soon returned, her eyes wide with surprise.

  * It's for you,' she said.' It's the Vice-Chancellor.'

  'Morris,' said Hilary, shaking him by the shoulder.

  Morris took the call standing in the hall in his underpants.

  'Wake up.'

  'Ah, Zapp. Terribly sorry to bother you,' the VC mur-Morris opened his eyes. Hilary, rosy-complexioned and mured. ' How are you feeling after your adventures ?'

  demure in a pink dressing-gown, was sitting on the edge of

  'I'm feeling terrific right now. What happened to the bed. Two cups steamed on the bedside table. He de-Masters?'

  tached a wiry pubic hair from his lower lip. 'What time is

  ' Professor Masters, I'm glad to say, is back in the care of it?'he said.

  his doctors.'

  'Gone three. I've made a cup of tea.'

  ' I'm glad to hear that.'

  Morris sat up and sipped the scalding tea. He met Hilary's

  'Remarkably quick thinking on your part, old man, to eyes over the rim of the cup and she blushed. 'Hey,' he said trap him in the aft. Very neat. Allow me to congratulate softly.' That was terrific. I feel great. How about you ?'

  you.'

  ' It was lovely.'

  'Thanks.'

  'You're lovely.'

  'Reverting to our conversation of this morning: I've just Hilary smiled. 'Don't overdo it, Morris.'

  come from the Promotions and Appointments Committee.

  'I'm serious. You are one lovely piece of ass, you know Swallow's Senior Lectureship went through without a that?'

  hitch, you'll be glad to know.'

  'I'm fat and forty.'

  ' U h u h /

  ' Nothing wrong with that. So am I.'

  'And you may remember that I was on the point of asking

  ' I'm sorry I hit you about the head when you started, you you something else when we were interrupted by Doctor know, that kissing stuff. Not very sophisticated, you see.'

  Smithers.'

  11 like that. Now Desiree -'

  'Yeah?'

  Hilary lost a little of her radiance. ' Could we not talk

  ' You haven't guessed what it is ?'

  about your wife, please ? Or Philip. Not just now.'

  'No.'

  ' O K , ' said Morris. 'Let's neck instead.' He pulled her

  ' Quite simply, I've been wondering whether you've given down on to the bed.

  any thought to applying for the Chair of English.'

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  231

  * You mean the Chair here?'

  in special cases. I'm sure this would be regarded as a very

  'Precisely.'

  special case.'

  'Well, no. It never crossed my mind. You wouldn't want Morris tracked Hilary down in the bathroom. She was an American as Head of the Department. The staff wouldn't lying in the huge, claw-footed Victorian tub and, as he stand for it -'

  burst in, covered her breasts and pubis with washcloth and

  'On the contrary, my dear fellow, all the members of the loofah.

  English Department who have been sounded
out on the

  ' Come, come!' he said.' This is no time for prudery. Move subject suggested your name. I don't say there may not be up and I'll get in behind you.'

  something of the better-the-devil-you-know attitude behind

  ' Don't be absurd, Morris. What did the VC want ?'

  it, but obviously you've impressed them as someone capable

  'I'll scrub your back.' He slipped off his underpants and of running the Department efficiently. I need hardly say climbed into the tub. The water rose dangerously high and that, after your part in resolving the crisis over the sit-in, began to run out of the overflow outlet.

  you would be highly acceptable to the University com-

  ' Morris! You're mad. I'm getting out.'

  munity at large, staff and students alike. And personally I But she didn't get out. She leaned forward and wriggled should be delighted. Not to put too fine a point on it, old her shoulders ecstatically as he scrubbed.

  friend, if you want the job, it's yours.'

  'Did Philip ever borrow books from Gordon Masters?'

  ' Thank you very much,' said Morris.' I'm very honoured.

  he asked.

  But I'd never sleep easy. Supposing Masters escaped again?

  •All the time. Why?'

  He might well think his suspicions of me had been justified.'

  ' I t doesn't matter.'

  'I shouldn't let that worry you, old man,' Stroud mur-He pulled her back between his knees and began to soap mured soothingly. 'I think you must have imagined that her big melon-shaped breasts.

  Masters was shooting at you today. There was no evidence

  'Oh, Lord,' she moaned. 'How are we ever going to get that he'd been armed, or that he was intending any violence out of this before the children come home ?'

  to you personally.'

  'Relax. There's plenty of time.'

  ' What was he chasing me all over the Hexagon for, then ? *

  ' What did the V C want ?'

  Morris demanded.' To kiss me on both cheeks ?'

  ' He offered me the Chair of English.'

  ' He wanted to talk to you.'

  Trying to turn round to look at him, Hilary skidded on

  'Talk to me?'

  the bottom of the barh and nearly went under the water.

  ' It appears that a long time ago he reviewed one of your

  ' What - Gordon Masters' Chair ?'

  books very unfavourably in The Times Literary Supplement, and