changing-places-david-lodge

by Unknown

  'That's right.'

  he thought you might have found out about it and be bearing

  'And what did you say ?'

  a grudge. Does that make any kind of sense ?'

  ' I said I'd think about it.'

  'I guess it does, yes. Look, Vice-Chancellor, I'll think Hilary rinsed herself and climbed out of the tub. 'What an about the Chair.'

  extraordinary thing. Could you face settling in England ?'

  ' Yes, do, my dear fellow. Take your time.'

  'Right now, the idea has great attractions,' he said mean-

  ' What would the salary be ?'

  ingfully.

  'Well, that is open to negotiation. The University has

  ' Don't be silly, Morris.' She covered herself modestly with funds at its disposal for discretionary supplementary awards a bath towel.' You know very well this is just an episode.'

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  ' What makes you say that ?'

  ver, and pulled the plug out by its chain with his big toe.

  She shot him a shrewd .glance. ' How many women have The waters gradually receded, making islands, archipelagos (here been in your life ?'

  and then continents of his knees, belly, cock, chest and He stirred uncomfortably in the tepid water, and ran shoulders. As regards his domestic life, he had nothing to some more into the tub. 'That's an unfair question. At a lose by staying in England. If D£sir£e insisted on leaving certain age a man can find satisfaction in one woman alone.

  him and taking the twins with her, Rummidge, after all, was He needs stability.'

  no further from New York than Euphoria. Possibly she

  'Besides, Philip will be coming back soon.'

  might even be coaxed into giving their marriage another

  ' I thought you said he wasn't ?'

  chance in Europe. Not that Rummidge was exactly what

  'Oh, that won't last. He'll be back, with his tail between D&ire'e had in mind when she thought of Europe, but still, his legs. Now there's someone who really does need stability.'

  you could fly to Paris in fifty minutes from Rummidge air-

  ' Maybe we could fix him up with D6sir6e,' Morris joked.

  port if you wanted t o . . .

  'Poor Ddsire'e. Hasn't she suffered enough?' The tele-The last water gurgled away, tugging at the hairs on his phone began to ring. 'Please hurry up and get dressed, legs and buttocks, and he lay on the bottom of the tub, damp Morris.' She pulled on her dressing-gown and went out.

  and naked, like a stranded castaway. Gulliver. Crusoe. A Morris lay half-floating in the deep tub, fondling his new life ?

  genitals and pondering Hilary's question. Could he face Hilary came in.

  settling in England? Six months ago, the question would

  ' O K , O R , ' he said. 'I'm getting out.' Then he noticed have been absurd, the answer instantaneous. But now he she was looking at him strangely.' What's the matter ?'

  wasn't so sure . . . It would be a solution, of sorts, to the

  "That phone c a l l . . . '

  problem of what to do with his career. Rummidge wasn't

  ' Yeah, who was it ? The V C had second thoughts ?'

  the greatest university in the world, agreed, but the set-up

  •It was Desire^.'

  was wide open to a man with energy and ideas. Few Ameri-

  'DSsirie! Why didn't you fetch me ?' He leaped out of the can professors wielded the absolute power of a Head of bath and grabbed a towel.

  Department at Rummidge. Once in the driver's seat, you

  ' She didn't want to speak to you,' said Hilary.' She wanted could do whatever you liked. With his expertise, energy and to speak to me.'

  international contacts, he could really put Rummidge on

  "' You ? What did she say, then ?'

  the map, and that would be kind of fun . . . Morris began to

  'The woman Philip has been having an affair w i t h . . . '

  project a Napoleonic future for himself at Rummidge:

  'Yeah?'

  sweeping away the English Department's ramshackle Gothic

  'Isher.De'sire'e.'

  syllabus and substituting an immaculately logical course-

  •You're kidding.'

  system that took some account of developments in the sub-

  'No.'

  ject since 1900; setting up a postgraduate Centre for Jane

  'I don't believe it.'

  Austen Studies; making the use of typewriters by students

  •Why not?'

  obligatory; hiring bright American academic refugees from

  'Why not? I know De'sire'e. She hates men. Especially student revolutions at home; staging conferences, starting a weak-kneed men like your husband.'

  new j o u r n a l . . .

  ' How do you know he's weak-kneed ?' Hilary demanded, He heard a tinkle as Hilary replaced the telephone recd-with some irritation.

  235

  I

  'I just know. Desiree is a ball-breaker. She eats men like 6. Ending

  your husband for breakfast.'

  'Philip can be very gentle, and tender. Perhaps Desiree likes that for a change,' Hilary said stiffly.

  "The bitch!' Morris exclaimed, slapping the side of the tub with his towel. 'The double-crossing bitch.'

  'I thought she was being remarkably straightforward, myself. She said she heard my conversation with Philip this

  Exterior: BO AC VC10 flying from left to right across screen -

  morning — I don't know quite how, because when I phoned

  afternoon, clear sly. Sound: jet engines.

  your house she gave me a different number... But anyway,

  Cut to:

  she knew all about it, and she thought it only fair to put me

  Interior : VC 10- afternoon.

  in the picture, since Philip hasn't had the courage to tell me

  Angle on

  what's been going on. Naturally I felt I had to be equally MORRIS and H I L A R Y seated halfway down cabin.

  Sound: muted noise of jet engines.

  honest.'

  H I L A R Y is turning pages of Harper's, nervously and

  'You mean you told her a b o u t . . . this afternoon ?'

  inattentively, MORRIS yawns, looks out of window.

  'Of course. I particularly wanted Philip to know.'

  ^pom through window. Shot: eastern seaboard of America.

  'What did D6siree say ?' he asked almost fearfully.

  Long Island, Manhattan.

  ' She said,' Hilary replied,' that perhaps we ought to meet

  Cut to:

  somewhere to talk the situation over.'

  Exterior: TWA Boeing 707 flying from right to left across

  •You and Desiree?'

  screen - afternoon, clear sky. Sound: noise of jet engines.

  'All of us. Philip too. A sort of summit conference, she

  Cut to:

  said.'

  Interior: TWA Boeing 707 - afternoon. Sound: cool instru-

  mental version of These Foolish Things'.

  Close-up: P H I L I P , asleep, wearing headphones, his mouth slightly open. Draw back to reveal D £ S I R £ B

  sitting next to him, reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex. D £ S I R £ E looks out of the window, then at her wristwatch, then at P H I L I P . She twists the knob above his head which controls the in-flight entertainment. Sound changes abruptly to narration of'The Three

  Bears'.

  RECORDED VOICE : And the Daddy Bear said, 'Who's been sleeping in MY bed ?' and the Mummy Bear said,' Who's b e e n - '

  P H I L I P wakes with a guilty start, tears off his earphones.

  Sound: muted noise of jet engines.

  237

  D £ S I R £ E : (smiles) Wake up, we're nearly there.

  B R I T I S H C A P T A I N : (coolly into microphone) Hello Kennedy PHILIP : New York ? Already?

  Flight Control. This is BO AC Whisky Sugar
Eight. I D E S I R £ E : Of course, you never know how long you're have to report an air miss.

  going to be stacked at this time of the year.

  Cut to:

  Cut to:

  Interior: Flight deck, Boeing yoy — afternoon.

  Interior: VCio-afternoon.

  A M E R I C A N C A P T A I N : (enraged, into microphone) What the MORRIS : (To HILARY) I hope to hell we aren't stacked for fuck do you think you guys are doing down there ?

  hours over Kennedy.

  Cut to:

  Cut to:

  Interior: VC 10 passengers' cabin - afternoon. Sound:

  Exterior: VC io - afternoon. We see the plant head-on. It

  babble of conversation - 'Didyou see that?''Must have missed

  begins to lose height. Sound: jet engines changing note.

  us by inches',' Sure was a near thing' etc.

  Cut to:

  MORRIS : (mopping his brow) I always said, if God had meant

  Exterior: Boeing yoy — afternoon. We see the plane head-on.

  us to fly he'd have given me guts.

  It begins to bank to the right. Sound: jet engines changing note.

  HILARY : I feel sick.

  Cut to:

  Cut to:

  Interior: Flight deck, VC io - afternoon. BRITISH GAP-

  Interior: Boeing yoy passengers' cabin - afternoon. Sound?

  TAIN, scanning the sky, looks to his right. Close-up:

  babble of conversation.

  BRITISH CAPTAIN registers alarm.

  D £ S I R £ E : (shakily, to P H I L I P ) What was that?

  Cut to:

  P H I L I P : I think we nearly collided with another plane.

  Interior: Flight deck, Boeing yoy - afternoon. Close-up:

  D £ S I R £ E : Jesus Christ!

  AMERICAN CAPTAIN registers horror.

  Fade out.

  Cut to:

  Fade in on interior: hotel room in mid-town Manhattan, blue

  Interior: Flight deck, VC io - afternoon. Looking over the

  decor - late afternoon. Sound: TV commentary on baseball

  B R I T I S H CAPTAIN'S shoulder we see the Boeing 707, game, turned low. There are two suitcases open, but terrifyingly near, cross the path of the VG 10, banking not unpacked. HILARY is lying, fully dressed but in an effort to avoid collision. The BRITISH CAPTAIN

  without her shoes, on one of the twin beds, her manipulates the controls to bank in the opposite eyes closed, MORRIS, in shirt sleeves, is crouched in direction.

  front of the TV, watching a ball game, drinking

  Cut to:

  Scotch on the rocks which he has fixed from a tray

  Interior: Boeing joy, passengers* cabin - afternoon. Alarm with bottle, ice, glasses etc. on the dressing table.

  and confusion among passengers as the plane tilts There is a knock on the door. Shot: HILARY'S eyes flick violently. Sound: screams, cries etc.

  open.

  Cut to:

  MORRIS : Yeah? Come in.

  Interior: VC 10 passengers' cabin - afternoon. Alarm and D £ S I R £ E : (entering, followed by P H I L I P ) Morris?

  confusion among passengers as the plane tilts violently.

  HILARY sits up quickly, swings her feet to the floor.

  Sound: screams, cries etc.

  MORRIS : D6sire"e! (sets down his drink, comes to door with open

  Cut to:

  arms) Honey!

  Interior : Flight deck, VC 10-afternoon.

  D £ S I R £ E catches MORRIS'S wrists deftly and brings him 238

  to a dead stop. She kisses him demurely on the cheek, MORRIS : But we escaped. Perhaps God isn't angry with us then releases him.

  after all.

  DESIREE : Hallo, Morris.

  PHILIP : Who says he is?

  MORRIS: (rubbing his wrists) Hey, you've gotten awfully strong.

  MORRIS : Well, Hilary...

  DESIR£B : I've been taking karate lessons.

  P H I L I P : (TO HILARY) Do you?

  MORRIS : Ve-ry good! You should go into the Park tonight HILARY : (defensive) Of course not. It's Morris who's afraid and practise on the rapists. (He extends hand to PHILIP) of God, only he won't admit it. I just want to get things You must be Philip.

  sorted out.

  Shot: PHILIP staring, speechless, across the room at D£SIREE : Sure. That's what we're here for.

  HILARY. Zoom in on HILARY, sitting bolt upright on P H I L I P : (7b HILARY) How are the children?

  the bed, staring across at PHILIP.

  HILARY: They're all right. Mary is looking after them.

  MORRIS: Well, if you're not Philip, things are even more You've put on weight, Philip.

  complicated than I thought they were. (He takes

  P H I L I P : Yes, a little.

  PHILIP'S hand and shakes it)

  HILARY : It suits you.

  P H I L I P : Sorry! How do you do. (PHILIP looks back at

  MORRIS : (To DESIREE) I like the pants suit. How are the HILARY)

  twins?

  HILARY : (faintly) Hello, Philip.

  D ts 1 R i E : They're fine. How about a drink for the rest of us ?

  PHILIP : Hello, Hilary.

  MORRIS: Sure, (hastens to pour drinks) Hilary ? Philip ? Scotch ?

  DESIRES : (walks across to HILARY) Hilary - I'm Desiree.

  HILARY : No thanks, Morris.

  (HILARY rises) Don't get up.

  MORRIS: About rooms. Shall Desiree and I take this one ?

  HILARY : (apologetically, putting on her shoes) I was just lying DESIRIE : Who says I'm sharing with you?

  down...

  MORRIS: (shrugs) OK, honey. You and Philip have the HILARY and D£SIREE shake hands.

  other room. We'll stay here.

  DESIRXE : How was your flight?

  HILARY : Either way, isn't it rather prejudging the issue ?

  MORRIS : Great! We nearly collided with another plane.

  MORRIS: (spreads hands) O K. What do you suggest ?

  DESIREE : (wheels round) So did we!

  Cut to:

  MORRIS : (gapes) You nearly collided... ?

  Interior: blue hotel room - night.

  PHILIP : Yes, just coming into New York. One wonders how PHILIP and MORRIS are in the twin beds, PHILIP, often it happens.

  wearing pyjamas, is apparently asleep, MORRIS, bare-MORRIS : (soberly) I think it can only have happened once chested, is awake, one hand behind his head, the other this afternoon.

  under his sheet.

  PHILIP : You mean . . . ?

  MORRIS : We shouldn't have let them get away with it.

  MORRIS : (nods) We were nearly introduced in mid-air.

  (pause)

  P H I L I P : Phew!

  It's ridiculous.

  HILARY : (sits down quickly on the bed) How frightful!

  (pause)

  DESIRES: It would have solved a lot of problems, of course, I get so goddam horny in hotel rooms.

  A spectacular finale to our little drama.

  (pause)

  HILARY : Oh don't!

  Philip.

  940

  P H I L I P : Mmm?

  DESIREE : You mean either of us? With either of you? You MORRIS : How d'ya make out with Desiree?

  don't have any preference ?

  P H I L I P : Very nice.

  MORRIS : (laughs uneasily) We leave it to you.

  MORRIS : I mean, in the sack.

  DESIREE : You're despicable. (Puts down rtcewtr) P H I L I P : Very nice.

  MORRIS :Desir6e!

  MORRIS : Hard work, though, isn't it?

  MORRIS rattles the receiver.

  P H I L I P : I wouldn't have said so.

  (gloomily) Bitch!

  {pause)

  Cut to:

  MORRIS : Uh, ever get her to, uh, blow you?

  Interior : pink hotel room - night.

  P H I L I P : NO.

  H I L A R Y : Who was that? />
  MORRIS : (sighs) Neither did I.

  D E S I R £ E : Morris.

  {pause)

  H I L A R Y : What did he want ?

  P H I L I P : I never thought of asking.

  D E S I R E E : Either of us. He wasn't fussy.

  {pause)

  H I L A R Y : What?

  P H I L I P sits up suddenly, wide awake.

  DESIREE : Philip too. I'm afraid Morris is a bad influ-P H I L I P : Did you ever ask Hilary?

  ence.

  M O R R I S : Sure.

  HILARY : (sits up) I'd like to talk to Philip.

  P H I L I P : What happened?

  DESIREE :Now?

  MORRIS : Nothing.

  HILARY : I'm wide awake.

  P H I L I P relaxes, sinks back on to the bed, closes eyes.

  DESIREE : Please yourself, (turns over)

  {pause)

  HILARY : Don't you want to talk to Morris on your own?

  MORRIS : She didn't know what I was talking about.

  D E S I R E E : No!

  Cut to:

  Cut to:

  Interior: hotel room, pink decor — night.

  Interior: hotel corridor - night.

  D E S I R £ E and HILARY asleep in the twin beds. Tele-HILARY, in dressing-gown, emerges from door on left, phone on bedside table between them. Telephone rings.

  leaving it ajar, crosses corridor and knocks on door to D E S I R £ E gropes, picks up receiver.

  right. It opens. HILARY goes in, door shuts. After a DESIREE : (half asleep) Hallo.

  short interval, door on right opens and MORRIS, in Intercut close-ups O/MORRIS
  dressing-gown, comes out, closes door behind him, M O R R I S : Hallo, sweetheart.

  crosses corridor, enters door left, closes it behind him.

  DESIREE : (annoyed) What do you want? I was asleep.

  Cut to:

  MORRIS : Uh . . . Philip and I were wondering (looks across at

  Interior: blue hotel room — night.

  Philip) if we couldn't come to some more comfortable HILARY : (nervously) I only came in here to talk, Philip.

  arrangement...

  Cut to:

  DESIREE : Like what?

  Interior: pink hotel room - night. Sound: door clicks shut.

  MORRIS : Like if one of you girls would like to change places D £ S I R E E : (Uvelly) You lay a finger on me, Zapp, and you'll with one of u s . . .

  regret it.

  242

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