Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

  He must have sensed that I was getting tired because he wrapped his long arm around me and pulled me to him. “How about one more slow dance and then I’ll drive you and Rachael home?”

  I looked at him and nodded in agreement.

  He walked to the DJ booth and requested a song. Then, he grabbed my hand and pulled me on to the dance floor with him. I noticed that Aiden and Rachael had also made their way on to the dance floor.

  I instantly recognized the song. It was George Strait’s “The Chair.”

  The electricity was back and our bodies were humming as we moved gracefully across the floor. He leaned down and sang the words softly in my ear, “Yeah, I like the song too, it reminds me of you and me. Baby, do you think there's a chance, that later on I could drive you home? No! I don’t mind at all.”

  His soft breaths against my ear made the electricity shoot straight to my lower stomach. I started to feel flushed and buzzed from too much beer and Colin. I must remember that alcohol and Colin do not mix well.

  When the song was over, he dipped me back. As I came up he gave me a kiss on the cheek. His soft lips took me by surprise. It was a kiss that was no more romantic than how one would kiss their mother, but it made my face tingle.

  “Thank you for the dance,” he said with smoldering eyes.

  “No. Thank you,” I said with a smile. “Does Aggie football require that you take dance lessons?”

  “No. Growing up in a small town in Texas does,” he said.

  “Colin, this has been an evening filled with surprises. Thank you,” I said.

  “The biggest surprise was running into you here. Now, let’s get you and that roommate of yours home before Aiden starts pulling out his dance moves and really embarrassing himself,” he teased.

  I laughed and grabbed his offered hand and let him lead me off the dance floor. Rachael and I found our purses. She and Aiden traded phone numbers while I said goodbye to Jennifer and Quinn. I was rewarded with a wink from Jennifer and a “Hope to see you around.”

  We made our way into the parking lot and towards the biggest, ugliest truck that I had ever seen. Surely, this is not Colin’s truck, I thought.

  When he went to unlock the door, I burst into laughter. I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. He just stood there looking at me like I had two heads. Finally, I was able to spit out, “To think I was embarrassed for you to see my eight-year-old Honda.” Then I started laughing hysterically again.

  Colin did not have an amused look on his face. “I love this truck. What’s wrong with her?” he said indignantly.

  “She looks like a Big Bertha,” I said through my giggles.

  “You know, Charlie, I always thought that she needed a name. I guess Big Bertha it is. Now, let me help you up,” he said, flashing me his half smile.

  Thank God that I hadn’t offended him.

  The next day, I texted Colin and thanked him for the ride home. He had complained that I didn’t call or text him so I figured that I would just put the ball firmly in his court. Now, he knew that I didn’t delete his number for a second time.

  I didn’t hear from him until the following Sunday when I got a text asking if Rachael and I would be going dancing that night.

  Frustrating boy! If he seemed to like me as Jennifer indicated then why hadn’t he called or texted all week? Rachael and Aiden had already been on two dates.

  Ugh! I said to myself and waited until Rachael got home to get advice on what to do.

  Ultimately, we decided to go dancing. Once again, he acted as if we were a couple. He only danced with me, drank water, and drove me home.

  When I was climbing out of the beast that was Big Bertha, I asked him, “Care to run with me in the morning?”

  “Sure. I guess. When and where?” he asked.

  “Meet me at the park in front of my apartment at 6:30. We’ll run my route,” I said.

  I don’t think that I told him bye or thanked him for the ride home. He had me so confused. I actually hadn’t expected him to say yes. This meant that we would see each other more than once a week.

  When my alarm went off at 6:15, I can honestly say that I didn’t think that he would be waiting for me.

  I threw on my sports bra and running shorts. I shoved my hair in a ponytail and grabbed my music and headphones.

  I’ll be damned if he wasn’t stretching on a park bench. Colin had on a maroon Aggie Under Armor shirt and running shorts. I had never seen his thighs before. I paused a half second to admire them. My God, he was an Adonis.

  “Morning sunshine,” he called to me. “Let’s see what you got.”

  My goal was to embarrass him. He kept my pace until mile seven. As soon as I saw him start to pant, I sped my pace up by fifteen seconds. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough when he was already winded. He hung on with me until mile eleven.

  He grabbed my arm. “Charlie, I’ve got to slow down,” he said while doubled over with his hands on his thighs breathing in huge gulps of air.

  I smiled at him. “Colin, did you get out run by a girl?”

  “Not any girl,” he said while panting. “I got my ass kicked by Caroline Jane Collins who is fucking perfect.”

  I laughed and said, “We’re only about a mile from my apartment. I’ll let you walk home.”

  I invited Colin inside for a glass of water and a stretch before I sent him home.

  “So, Caroline. When did you become a marathon runner?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and smirk.

  “Actually, not until college. I swam from elementary through my senior year of high school. When I came to A&M, I had a really crummy roommate in the dorms. I started running to get away from her and found that I enjoyed it. Did I forget to mention while we were driving back and forth from College Station that I run about four marathons a year?” I asked while giving him my innocent smile.

  He picked up one of the couch pillows and tossed it at me. “I have a feeling that there is a lot that you have forgotten to tell me.”

  About three times a week, I found Colin outside my apartment stretching on a park bench and waiting to run with me. I would not let him run over thirteen miles because the doctor in me didn’t think that it was good for his feet, but his pace improved dramatically. Our running banter was kept lighthearted and fun. He danced like a fool the day that he kept with my pace perfectly and wasn’t very winded at the end of the run.

  I then challenged him to swim laps with me…

  February, Senior Year

  THE HARVARD envelope sat in the drawer like a grenade. I was scared Colin would see it. I was afraid to open it. Colin had told me last night that he had to go back to Dallas for some personal appearances that one of his sponsors asked him to do. He said that he would be gone for two nights, but he said that he might have to stay longer. My heart fell into my stomach at the thought of him being gone longer than two nights.

  He had only been staying with me for three weeks, but we already had fallen into an easy pattern with each other. He woke me up every morning with a marriage proposal which I declined. We got up and ran. I showered and went to class. He headed straight for the gym. We met somewhere on campus for lunch. Most of the time, it was the athletic complex so that we wouldn’t be mobbed by other students. He spent the rest of the afternoon working on his business deals, endorsements, and all the other shit that comes with being Colin McKinney, Professional Quarterback in a football crazy state. I went to study groups, worked on homework, or whatever pertained to school. I tried to work in a swim, but I usually preferred to go home and have Colin work me out. To say that we were making up for lost time was an understatement. We couldn’t get enough of each other.

  When he dropped the trip to Dallas on me, I was sad to see him go, but I also knew that I needed some time away from The Statement to think about medical school.

  When I was sure that Big Bertha was gone, I went into the drawer and found the envelope. I took it into my room and opened it. Sure enough, in big blac
k print on Harvard stationary it read, “Congratulations Caroline Collins on your admittance to Harvard Medical School.”

  Here in front of me were the words that every future medical student dreams of reading, and I wanted to die. My initial thought was that I would just decline. It would be easier for me to do what Colin wanted me to do. I would finally agree to marry him. We’d move into a McMansion. I’d go to medical school in Dallas. I’d hopefully avoid getting knocked up until I was out and then I’d practice some place in Dallas. That way, I’d get medical school and Colin.

  But, I kept telling myself, it’s Harvard…. It’s FUCKING Harvard! No one turns down Harvard. You graduate from Harvard and you pick where you want to practice. Colin would lose his mind if I chose Harvard. There are two things in this world that Colin McKinney cares about and that’s me and football in no particular order. Big Bertha might be a close third. I honestly didn’t know if he wouldn’t quit football if I chose Harvard. So far, he’d never been in a position of having to choose between his loves.

  I threw my running clothes on and went for a long run to sort out my head. Around mile twenty, I realized that I deserved to have it all. I wanted to go to Harvard. I wanted Colin to play football. I wanted us to date, or hell, even get married, but we could live relatively separate lives until I graduated. If our relationship was as strong as he seemed to think it was, then why wouldn’t it last through that? I finally felt happy thinking that I could have it all.

  At mile twenty-two, I had a moment of clarity. I’d lived with him for three weeks and for the past six months I’d missed him like crazy.

  Colin had moved to Dallas in May. He’d fought incredibly hard and worked his ass off to earn the starting quarterback position. That meant I spent a lot of time sitting at his fortress in the sky waiting for him to get done with practice or watching tape or whatever he was doing. He would drag himself in the door and crawl into his giant egg shaped tub. We did very little dancing and lots of movie watching. I played domestic goddess. I fixed him dinner, bought bath mats, and kitchen hand towels. I organized his closet and folded socks. It was not the way that I had planned on spending the summer before my senior year in college, but I spent the nights with him. No matter how tired or sore he was, he made sure that I was always happy and knew how much he loved me.

  He tried his hardest to make my summer awesome. We took a couple of long weekend trips to Cabo, and he spared no expense. He even flew Aiden and Rachael down to Mexico so I could spend time with her.

  The media was relentless last summer. Some idiot blogger had started a CharCol (the name the media gave us) wedding watch. A rumor spread like wildfire that I was pregnant so we had paparazzi camped outside the Fortress. I purposely wore skin tight pants every day to make sure that they saw no bump.

  Then, to Colin’s horror, fan websites started posting pictures of me and digging into my background. I had no past worth posting about, but apparently, there were freaks who decided that I was attractive enough to masturbate to. He absolutely lost his mind when someone put up a poll. “Who would you rather fuck: Charlie or some other quarterback’s girlfriend?”

  I took it all in stride. Colin called his agent Mark and demanded that the poll be taken down.

  I had more issues with Colin trying to go shopping at a mall with me. I’d just needed a stupid bathing suit for one of our trips to Cabo. I was willing to go by myself while he was at practice, but he wanted to watch me try them on and model for him. I indulged his fantasy. I walked out of the dressing room in a string bikini to see my Statement surrounded by people wanting his autograph. I’d turned around and walked back in the dressing room. That ended our mall trip.

  Once the preseason began and school started for me, we were back in separation hell. I saw Colin the Friday before home games through Sunday afternoon. If it was an away game weekend, he flew me to wherever his game might be. We saw each other during stolen moments.

  I missed him, but he was losing his mind. One night during a Skype session, I decided to introduce Colin to my friend BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend). I thought he would think that it was really hot to watch me use it. He nearly lost his mind when I slid my vibrator into myself. Three hours later, Colin was in my bed ravaging me. He left four hours later and drove back to Dallas. I’m sure that he had tons of energy for practice that day.

  By the time that Colin led his team to the playoffs with a very exciting and unexpected win, he was mentally drained. He was texting me incessantly. When I saw him back in the fortress after his win, he took me in his arms and for the first time in a long time, we didn’t make love. He cocooned me to him and held on for dear life.

  I was able to spend the week with him while he prepared for the next playoff game which was out of town. I tried to be as supportive as possible without distracting him. I made him a good luck meal the night before he left. We watched “Any Given Sunday.” By the time my plane landed, I had ten texts from him begging me to see him. I was his balm, his drug of choice. All he wanted to do was find different ways to be inside me. I should have forced him to focus, but I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. The game did not go well, but fortunately, it wasn’t a total meltdown on Colin’s part. The boys licked their wounds and headed back to Dallas.

  I realized during my run that I couldn’t do four years without him. He couldn’t do four years of me in Boston without him. We couldn’t do a long distance relationship. We needed the constant reassurance of each other to function.

  I was spent mentally and physically when I finished my run. I needed a hot soak in the tub, a glass of wine, and a magic eight ball. Maybe it would guide me through my personal hell.

  When I walked into my apartment, Rachael was sitting on the couch. She did not look pleased. “How many miles, Charlie?”

  “I ran a little longer than I normally do,” I admitted while I grabbed some water from the kitchen.

  Rachael knew me too well. “I am not going to tell Colin how long you just ran, but if you do it again, I will. I will not have you slip back into bad habits, Charlie. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

  I tried giving her a reassuring smile. “I’m fine. I’m just a little freaked out about graduating.” I was going to have to come up with a better excuse. This one was not going to last for much longer.

  “I think you’re full of shit, Charlie. But whatever. When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen,” she said while she walked into her room.

  I was going to have to find a better way to deal with my anxiety besides exercising. I didn’t want my past struggles with feeling out of control to upset Rachael or Colin. I entertained calling my old therapist for just a second but decided that I would work hard to get it under control myself before I took that step. Colin would want to know why I was so upset, and I was not ready to discuss Harvard yet.

  Summer after Sophomore Year

  “HEY, CHARLIE,” Rachael yelled from her room while I was unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen “Has Colin mentioned anything about going to the lake house for Fourth of July?”

  I walked into her room and sat cross legged on her bed. “Yes. He mentioned something about it. I’m not sure if I am going. It’s going to be all couples. I’m afraid that it will be awkward.”

  “For God’s sake Charlie, will the two of you just go ahead and fuck. If you don’t do it for each other, do it for the rest of us who have to witness this absurdity,” she said, rolling her eyes at me.

  I should have been mad at her, but I wasn’t. Colin and I hadn’t even so much as kissed on the lips. Yet, we ran together at least three mornings a week, went dancing every Sunday and had a standing date every Thursday to visit the children’s wing of a local hospital and then go eat bar-be-que at a gas station about five miles out of town. It’s one of the few restaurants that Colin could go to where the people just let us eat in peace.

  I hadn’t so much as looked at another boy since I met Colin. From what Rachael (who was now attached at the hip to
Aiden) and Jennifer said, Colin hadn’t accepted another girl’s phone number since he met me in January.

  I wasn’t sure what our status was. I knew that if I agreed to go with Jennifer and Quinn (might as well be one word), Rachael and Aiden (who had crazy monkey sex all the time) that Colin and I would feel pressure to act as a couple. If that’s not what he wanted, then I would run the risk of losing him as my best friend.

  “Please, Charlie. Just go. It will be so much fun. Apparently the house is quite nice. It’s on a cliff overlooking Lake Travis. It has an infinity pool and hot tub. If you don’t want to share a room with Colin, then sleep on the couch. It’s two nights away from here, with great friends and all we have to pay for are groceries,” Rachael said, making one hell of a great case.

  “I’ll text Colin and let him know that I am in,” I said in a resigned voice.

  Two days later, I was dropping a duffle bag in Aiden’s trunk hoping that I would quickly develop malaria so I could stay at home. I was so nervous about the Colin situation. If he just liked me as a friend, I would know it this weekend. This was the most amount of time that we had spent together. I really liked him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a boyfriend, but I knew in my heart that if he started dating someone else, I would be very jealous. Why did relationships have to be so complicated?

  A three hour drive with Aiden and Rachael was torture. They couldn’t get enough of each other. It was “Sure, Baby,” this and “Ha! Ha! Ha! Honey,” that. Thank goodness, I had brought a book.

  Colin was meeting us at the house. He had gone home to spend a few days with his parents before football season became crazy.

  The house was everything that Jennifer had promised. It was a one story with the entire back of the house lined with windows that overlooked Lake Travis. The kitchen was gourmet quality and, most importantly, the refrigerator was big enough to hold all the booze.